I'm gonna rewrite the First chapter. Not cause Cloudy didn't do a good job when he wrote, It's just easier for me.
"Aw man....Where am I?" Said this mysterious pony. He was a Dark Red(think Big Mac) Pony with a metal front right leg and a metal back left leg with this for a cutie mark.
He was also a red jacket with his cutie mark on the back.
"It worked...I think. But still what happened?" He remembered drawing the transmutation circle after the Fight with Father. He remembered talking to the Truth. He also remembered offering his Alchemy Wall(don't remember what it's called). He wanted to try out his alchemy but figured it would be better to figure out where he was.
"I feel different...Don't quite know how...but I feel different." He said looking around. He noticed that trees were taller than before and the ground was closer than before. Also He noticed he was on all fours.
"Ok what kind of sick joke is this? Am I a horse? This can't be happening." Ed said slowly freaking out.
Meanwhile in Canterlot...
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"Uh...Sis did you feel that?" Luna Asked after feeling a power surge..."I felt a disturbance over by PonyVille."
"I felt it too Lulu...But the source feels like Twilight's Except her's is still at the library. This power doesn't feel bad." Said Celestia.
"Well...I guess this can be handled later then....Sorry for waking you up Tia." Luna said apologetically.
Celestia yawned back."Don't Lulu we'll check on it when we're both well rested. Until then you can handle your nightly affairs and I'll explore your realm of control."
"Ok Sis. Night Tia."
One sister fell asleep while the other left to handle nightly affairs. Like checking that disturbance. She didn't say Luna couldn't go check it herself.
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Back by ponyville....
Ed was freaking out...well he was.
Right now he had successfully gotten his horn stuck in a tree.
"GRRRRR....EUUGGH.....GRRRAAAWWW COME ON!" Ed wasn't happy that an appendage he didn't even know he had was stuck in a tree.
Ed struggled for about five more minutes until he took a break and relaxed. It was then his horn came out.
"That figures..." Ed grumbled under his breath. This is when he checked himself out. Even his auto mail was changed. It had to because he knew the hand and foot weren't hooves Before he left. He finally checked his surroundings notice he was in a forest, by a spring with some trees perfect for making an shelter.
"Let's see if I still got it!" Ed asked as he stood on his hind hooves. He clapped his front hooves together and then fell down back to all fours toward a couple of trees close together. The blue flash from his hooves sparked the ground as it traveled towards the trees turning itself into a decent tent.
"Not what I wanted but It'll do until morning." He said happily.
He trotted happily towards the tent elated at keeping his Alchemy when he saw a blue pony flying towards him.
"Great..a welcoming party. I guess it's better to figure out how to fight lke this now then later." Ed said getting into a somewhat awkward fighting stance.
"Relax. I'm not here to hurt you." The Blue pony said. Ed noticed she also had a horn like him. and she was definately taller than him.
"Then what are you here to do?" Ed asked relaxing somewhat.
"I'm here to ask you to come with me to the castle. You don't seem to come from here and I'd like to ask you some questions along with my sister."Explained Luna.
Ed shrugged."Sure. I'll go...But I'm watching you...."
A barely visible blue appeared after Luna(you all know it's Luna) walked over to Ed and they teleported.
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A couple minutes later, Luna and Ed were in a random room in the Castle.
"You may rest here until the morning. I'll tell Tia about you and we'll what happens there. Good night..uh..."
"Ed. Edward Elric."
"Ah. Good night Edward Elric."
"Good night, Queen of the Moon."
"What?" This Confused Luna as she'd never been called that before.
"I figured if you live in a castle, then you must be royalty. You're wearing a crown, so you're either a princess or a queen. Also you're blue and on your...uh..flank is a picture of the moon."
"Good deduction skills, you were close. I'm the Princess of the Moon. I rule Equestria along with my sister."
"Aaah."
"Well it looks like you need your rest So I'll leave now."
"Ok. Good night Princess..."
"Luna."
"Goog Night, Princess Luna." Ed said this with a bow.
They parted ways with Ed exploring the room he was in. It was confortable It had a decent sized wnidow and a nice looking bed right near the window. There was also a bookcase on the other side of the room. There was a circular rug in the middle of the floor and the room had a bathroom. The colors all looked generic though.
"Nice room, I guess nothing less would be in a castle for royalty"
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"I wonder what the story behind that strange unicorn is." Luna said as she layed in bed. She had finally finished all of her nightly duties and felt tired. She always analyzed the things taking place in the kingdom before she slept or napped.Then She'd advise Tia on what to do. It's how she helped Tia since Tia had more influence over the civilians.
"I guess I can Study his past from his dreams." Luna Said before finally falling asleep.
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In the realm of Dreams.....
"Hey...I'm in my old body! Great...but where am I now?" Ed asked looking at him new surroundings...He remembered falling asleep then waking up in an odd building. The walls were marked with alchemy like markings. The colors greatly contrasted as the walls were black but the markings were light blue.
"This is wierd.."Ed said while using his alchemy to summon a spear.
"Why does all the weird stuff happen to me?" Ed complained as he walked around trying to figure this place out. Then he noticed his spear was different. It looked the walls basically. This caught Ed off guard even though he knew the Law of Equivalent exchange only had one loophole; well two considering what he found.
He started back walking around until he met with some one who looked like..."Al...."
What do you think Guys(and Girls)? Good Job or let someone else take over....
Well, it's a start, and an interesting concept at that. There are some issues with your basic story structure and grammar though, your descriptions of the enviroments seem to bounce around a bit and should be tightened up more consistently. Kinda exhausted right (haven't had my shower yet haha), but when I have some free time I can come back and make some more coherent suggestions.
However, like I said, this is a really interesting concept and with a little work can really shine, do don't get discouraged
Not another one! *Sigh* Track. We need more FMA stories.
Number one issue honestly: cut the (parenthesis). If you need those to break the story to explain something, you wrote something wrong. Also, work on pacing. I felt like you rushed it
Loved the concept though!
I'd cut the cutie mark picture, unless you link to it via hyperlink
Describe it first to the best of your ability before you straight up show what you're describing :l
Good start, seemed a little rushed but I'll give it a chance.
I`ll track and it does seem like the story is going to be good but your writing stile is almost as crappy as my first chapter that i posted to my first story.
Try adding in more details explain what the characters feel, what their expressions are like, also try and describe his suroundings a bit better.
AHAHA i am very interested consider yourself tracked and watched! :D
P.S. If you need help for the next chapter contact me or KIckass222urmom or burroite he will have a darkblue picture of a pony with a stripe on his wing
i dont know how to put pictures but read this story for inspiration!
Oh also forgot to say
i think you should keep going i absoloutly LOVED chapter one i look forward to seeing more
so much yay :D
183845 i agree, it's a great start, this story looks like it'll be fun to read, hoping to see more
i just read the original and i was wondering, why did you make him a unicorn instead of an earth pony?
You're gonna rewrite the first chapter? Fair enough, I shall come back when you've done so
-Glassed
183936I liked the story but the picture of him in pony form made more sense to me as a unicorn.That's pretty much why.
damn, i so had this idea before but the main thing that kept me down was how the law of magic and science would fit or intertwine, so in order to avoid that i decided not to write it, good luck to you though, it's an ingenious anime on its own with rules and basic principles that somewhat are linear to earth now.
This could be so much better.
No breaking the fourth wall with your comments. Extensive overhaul with detail. Plot sounded good. Could be good. But out of character and hashed together. I say give it to someone else if you can't step up. Harsh words, but only because I can't stand to see a story fail like this.
FMA crossover? COUNT ME IN.
Jeez! over 500 hundred views in one day! You people really want to see this thing float huh?
HAY YEAH WE DO! THANK YOU, LUNA, FOR CREATING ALL-CAPS MODE!
Just so you know Ed lost his right arm (front right leg of a pony) and left leg (rear left), other than that and the extremly fast opening it looks good. Tracking.
185166
Riiiiiight...Thanks for the info....I forgot that bit....
Oh and just so you know the symbol on Ed's coat (And in this case flank) is called a Flemel.
186680
Thanks...I REALLY didn't know that!
The More You Know
Good Job man! I'm tracking BTW i like the fact that you rewrote it, its a much better beginning than what I did.
186750 If you need a prereader you know where to find me. (says this in hope of spoilers)
Okay, looking better. Just so you know the Alchemy Wall that you refer to is called "The Gate of Truth" in the context of how you are using it however replace "his Alchemy Wall" with "his Gate." Like how you did the section regarding Luna's name.
Full metal alchemist one of the best aqnimes of all time combine it with mlp = fucking genius Oh and faved
183963 i see, but he would also be conflicted as to what to beleive, after seeing Twilight and rarities magic ignore equivalent exchange he could be even more confused as to the idea of magic.
193226
I see where you're going. I'm already there..Just wait. You'll see maybe Thursday
Um....2 words.....HOLY SHIT!!!!
So many READERS
I hope this doesn't crack me....
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!
I need to watch FMA
Its amazing
Im blown away by it being so
i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j360/HardRockC0ck/1277604778482.gif
The most Epic Picture of FMA
Wow. Just... Wow. You are an amazing writer. Defenitely continue.
*Looks at next chapter*
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