* * *
When she awoke the next morning, the thunderstorm was long gone. She found herself lying in a puddle of mud with a headache that only true misery and Flim-Flam brothers special cider could generate, two things that often went together. Besides her laid her invention, a home-built accumulator now containing a fraction of one of the most powerful forces in Equestria. She picked it up, still in a haze, and dragged it behind her while she made her way into the wagon.
The mirror on her make-up table showed a mare with the same colour-scheme as her, but with her mane standing on end like a stereotypical Canterlotian scientist. When she realized that the maniac in the mirror was her, she burst out in giggles. A sketch of this manestyle appeared in her notebook afterwards, next to the comment Trixie – MAD SCIENTIST?! Where to get lab coat?
Her stomach let out a growl that could match any thunder, reminding her that dinner was at least a day overdue. More than just nutrition, she longed for flavour. The meals of dry roadside grass became tedious. When she hunted trough the cupboards, it was to find something, anything, she could eat that didn't taste like grass. But no matter how many times she looked trough her kitchen, it remained disappointingly empty save for a bouquet of basil she had left out to dry and nearly forgotten about.
The basil did lend some flavour to the grass, or at least it added some texture. It was still pretty bland, but it filled up her stomach at least.
“Did I actually catch the lighting?” She asked herself while idly chewing on the slightly bitter straws. There was no indication at all that the acumulator had actually stored the charge, it couldv'e simply went straight into the ground and she wouldn't have noticed.
She had an image in her head of her letting the lighting out on stage in front of a crowd of anticipative ponies, only to have the wase cough up a weak charge of static elctricity and nothing else.
Trixie took the vase deep into the forest, where it couldn't harm anypony or gave away her position. She found a spot right by a lake where if she aimed the device over the water, there wouldn't be any trees to hit for at least twenty meters.
So, how was she supposed to do this? She only had the vaugest notion of the alchemical principles involved and rankly didn't know if it was possible just to release a quick test-spark. Caution wrestled with curiosity and as usual, curiosity eventually won out. She loosened the screws with her levitation one at a time.
First screw, nothing happened. Second screw, nothing happened. Third screw...
Something very powerful launched out just in front of her, accompanied by a sound that looked like burnt ozone. For the second time that day she cound herself lying hooves-up in the mud with a feeling like somepony had bucked her very hard in the stomach. In the edge of her vision, she could just barely catch the contours of a blue lighting bolt as it dove straight into the lake. Then everything was peaceful again, like her bottled thunderbolt had never existed.
She found herself stuck between two emotions. On one hoof, she just wasted her one shot after all the trouble she went trough to get it, but on the other hoof, that sort of violent electrical blast would've almost certainly fried and entire audience if she actually tried it in a crowd...
She was still wrestlnig with whether she should feel relieved or dissapointed when her thoughts got interrupted by a curious bubbling sound. One second later, every fish in the lake floated belly-up to the surface right before her eyes. As the death-count reached triple-digits, she felt like saying something, but the words stubbornly refused to form in her head. In the end, the only thing she could muster was:
“Oops...”
* * *
I'm not entirely sure how this description and the "Everyone" rating blends together... And Slice-of-Life? Huh?
2198651 T'is a slice of her life.
2198833
I'll take your word for it, I guess.
I will totally read this but you're an evil bastard for getting my hopes up thinking this is a pratchett crossover.
2198905
In retrospect, it was a stupid title. If only because there already IS a book with that name. That was my working title, and as so often happens with working titles, I ended up unable to think of any better once it became time to unveil it.
The great and powerful massmurderer? No. I don't think so. Owlor, your fired.
2199739
Y'know, I had just about enough of your bullshit quite some time ago. If this story has thaught me anything is that people don't friggin read. I mean, the story is right friggin there, its not even that large.
Even if you don't want to read a whole story, if you have an issue with it, it's not too hard to just skim the relevent chapter to see what it's about. I wonder what the point of me writing these friggin thing is when people are evidently too lazy to spend five friggin second to do a word-search.
2199739 As I once ago said:
You always were a retard.
PS: It's you're, not your. Learn the fucking difference.
Sorry about that, dear author. I shall work with the story now.
Chapter 1:
individual's. I don't think that the "an" preceding it is wrong, but it definitely sound awkward when I read it out loud.
Again: Not sure if this is right or wrong... but when you lead someone or something, you lead it to a place. I don't know if you can lead from...
Okay, the first chapter is pretty tame. Nothing happens; we're just thrown into Trixie's POV to get to know it.
Chapter 2:
the
Please hit the return key (enter) one more time between those two paragraphs.
This sentence right here sounds mighty confusing. That or I should just go to bed...
You first used the verb "noted" to refer to Trixie's thoughts. Be consistent, dear author. Either use it for her thoughts or for her voice.
Ellipses only have three "dots". There are two (or three) instances in which you place a 4th "dot" on the text.
Again: A tame enough chapter, but this time, with something behind it all. Trixie tells us that the Everfree Forest has the potential to ruin her magic altogether (either by making it not work or by blowing it out of proportion).
Chapter 3:
Finish one sentence with a period (same as a dot) and then start the newest one.
With
Awkward sentencing... How about "came the cold. Damp, insidious, creeping under her skin."?
Please hit the return key (enter) one more time between those two paragraphs.
basic alchemy)
Missing a period after the closing parenthesis.
Please hit the return key (enter) one more time between those two paragraphs. And I'll also add that I'm liking how the narrator is involving himself with the story!
Please hit the return key (enter) one more time between those two paragraphs. And start the second one with H, not h.
Add another "dot" to your ellipsis.
Well, another pretty straight-forward chapter. In this one we get to learn that Trixie doesn't do things for her show off the bat. She plans them with calm. And we also learn that she is braver than we thought!
Chapter 4:
brothers'
I don't think the parenthesis are needed.
A vanity mirror, you say?
I love this entire paragraph!
Missing a period over there. Between "tedious" and "When".
Please hit the return key (enter) one more time between those two paragraphs.
Missing a comma before "and".
I get why some people would turn from this story just because of the chapter's name. I myself checked the tags before opening the chapter. They readily eased my mind; I know you know how to properly tag a story; so there was something else with this chapter. It's no rocket science.
That said: I find Trixie's reaction to her invention escaping rather funny. Like a little child, reaching for the cookie jar and unknowingly making the entire cupboard fall to the floor.
I'll keep an eye out for further chapters! But I'm liking this simple Trixie as it is. It's good to read some [normal slice of life] now and then.
2199880
Disregard them retards. Keep writing these delicious "slice of life"s!
2202130
Thanks for the corrections, I'll definently fix those next time I edit.
2202130
I looked it up, and there are several sources talking about roads leading from places, in both encyclopedic and literary writing. It is not the most common phrasing, however. It is more common to say "leading FROM somewhere TO someplace else", but I don't think it's incorrect. If it sounds awkward, I could use "away from" to clarify it, what do you think?
Another Pratchett quote that comes to mind:
2203444 I think that "away from" would clear out any eventual doubts.