EchoMinor
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is only the first chapter of many. Feel free to leave feedback! I would love to know how to make future stories and chapters better! Thanks in advance.
-Author, Echo
Well well well, A shiny new story in the 'Romance' category with my favorite tags (mature and sex) starring Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Its an uncommon pairing and not one of my -favorites- but not one of my least either. Spotting an early "Dislike" I think I'll jump on into this new narrative and see what can be found; the premise already drew me in, what with a 'lovestruck Rarity' and all.
Hmm, this reads much like a first story. Not terrible, not by a long shot, but there are some things I'm going to be pointing out now; some things gramatical in nature, but others that are more 'helpful tips' from a pony who's read and written quite a bit. Please don't be discouraged; I do this to help, not to ridicule.
You should include something like, "She muttered while shivering..." or "She said to herself while shivering..." or even remove the quotes and italicize it to make it a thought, though I do like the idea of Rarity complaining aloud even to herself since it seems to fit her persona nicely.
"in design" doesn't sound right as I say it in my head. Perhaps "for a new dress she was designing" would work. I would also suggest moving the "warmer parts of the afternoon" section to before the dress part, to make it read "While collecting gemstones during the warmer parts of the afternoon for a new dress she was designing, she..."
"was" should be "had been"
On a less critical note, you're very good at describing the scenery. I actually shivered a little as I read about Rarity walking through the frigid air and could sympathize with the stinging eyes due to my own experiences in such temperatures.
I'm not exactly sure what that means. 'fighting with herself all day over'. I mean, I figure the soft blue fur is in reference to a fantasy she has about Rainbow Dash, but the rest of that sentence kinda confuses me.
I do like the picture she paints in her mind of a warm bed, a warm cup of tea, and a warm body though. Very romantic and very Rarity.
"open" should be "opened" to keep tense, and you should add "revealing to her the faint glow" since opening her eyes wouldn't reveal anything but her eyes; the glow is being revealed to her, however.
There should be a comma after "Still" and you need to change "presses" to "pressed" to match the tense of the rest of the story.
I believe the plural of pegasus is pegasai, but I really have no idea if that's official or not; its just the word I use all the time.
There should be a comma after "Now"
Doesn't read right. I'd re-write it to: "...her vision was obscured and she had difficulty simply walking."
The period between the two sentences should be a comma, and then lowercase the "H" from "Her" since the sentence where she thinks about Rainbow Dash (an ADORABLE addition to the narrative, by the way) doesn't stand up well on its own.
"haunts" should be "haunted"
Doesn't read well. I'd replace ", yet" with "somehow"
"forgets" should be "forgot"
"loses" should be "lost", "grasps" should be singular, and combine these sentences
The fantasy/memory doesn't need to be in quotes; itallics suffice and are the norm, BUT if you want them there then by all means leave them there, but since nopony is actually saying anything they may be misconstrued and cause minor confusion.
Hmm, after the fantasy you seem to become a lot more present-tense than past-tense. Perhaps you should alter the earlier paragraphs to present-tense to save yourself some work...but I, for one, prefer past-tense stories. I would recommend you go through the chapter with a fine tooth comb and fix all of the tense issues. I'll stop pointing them out since that'd just become utterly redundant.
I don't think home town has a hyphon.
There needs to be an apostraphe in "thought's" since the "mind numbing qualities" are being 'owned' by thought.
Random bracket in there
I wouldn't say Rainbow Dash is 'clad' in rainbows, since 'clad' is usually referred to something being worn, like a coat. I would recommend changing that to 'maned', thus "Rainbow-maned pegasus"
Whelp, I love how the chapter ended and I love what I'm reading so far. I'm very interested to see why Rainbow Dash is there and what will become of the two in this blizzard. I would be a trifle upset if it becomes a quick clopfic that doesn't have much resolution, but so far I'm very happy =) Read on, and expect my continued reading.
2190490 This is exactly what I needed! Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I appreciate the feedback! Will make ALL specified changes and credit you for pointing out the mistakes to me
Hope you continue to read this as the story unfolds!
2190658
Rest assured, my new friend, I shall =)
This is the second chapter of many. Feel free to leave feedback! I would love to know how to make future stories and chapters better! Thanks in advance.
-Author, Echo
2194682
not bad.
Okay! Took me -a lot- longer to get to this than it should have, but I'm ready to read and review now! Ba-dum-cha!
I approve of Rarity's forethought being not wanting her weather-patrol friend to realize she was beinga ditz about the weather. I hadn't even thought of that, and I tend to be a good 'call'er of things in stories, but in my defence its a small detail that's easily overlooked, and in your defense small details are what make stories epic. So thanks for that small epic detail =)
I both laugh and cry at the shot at Derpy. I laugh becuase its funny and because its something that would be said in the show, but I cry because I recently read the most adorable romance involving Derpy and Twilight Sparkle that really made me feel for the wall-eyed pegasus. BUT this is your world, and thus the laughter overpowers the "aww" and its another of those details that adds depth and power to the narrative.
Do you know how long its been since I've read a word I never saw before? Usually I look up a fancy word to make sure I'm using it in the right context. This was entirely new to me. And I LOVE you for it! Ten thousand +1's, Likes, and Thumbs Up for you!
Hrmm...I'm feeling a tad...I don't know...uncertain of Dash 'nuzzling' Rarity? I mean, perhaps if Rarity had a bit more of a collapse than just sitting down it might be a provocative enough action to get Dash to tend to her, but I see Dash a little more stalwart than that. HOWEVER, this entire story thus far being from Rarity's perspective, I'm willing to concede to the possible fact that Dash may reciprocate her feelings despite neither of them openly acknowledging such feelings.
Also, thus far, your tense and grammar is MUCH better. Bravo!
Also bravo to Rarity's excuse; I can easily imagine her speaking in that manner. The way you sorta passed over Dash's offer to search for the pet is a nice way to keep things focused on Rarity, but don't be afraid to add more dialogue when it would be appropriate; it fleshes out a story and helps add some girth to it. You could easily have had another twenty-five to fifty words with Dash's offer depending on how it was constructed, if you factor in her pose and tone of voice as she speaks.
You do a wonderful job describing what Rarity see's when Rainbow Dash is in the light of the fireplace. I can imagine her lovely body and the deep shadows and...mmmmmmmmmm
I must stop my own thougths with a hope that they don't get too hot-and-heavy in this run down shack. I'm all for chance encounters- and Dash might jump for a one-night-stand with Rarity- but I'm more for the romance and the buildup. Lets keep reading and find out what happens.
Haha! I love the interjections of Rarity's dreams, though now I suppose they'd be fantasies since she's having them while awake, and I love how you have Rarity literally staring off into space so that others need to bring her back to reality. It causes much laughter for me ^.^
So many lovely details! The dust cloud, referencing the clean patch Rarity had previously made! You really do make the story come to life and make it rather show-like (despite the adult fantasies) since any of the Mane Six (Dash, Pinkie, and AJ especially) would totally jump on a couch and knock dust around.
*phew* the paragraph where Rarity struggled to say 'I love you' to Rainbow Dash but instead said 'Of Course' to the offer to go home made me tense with worry. I hope I'm not pushing you too hard for a bulid up of the tension and the feeling, but I really want some tension and feeling xD
Ooooh, a subtle switch to Dash's perspective maybe? "...she brushed all insecurities aside." This makes me happy to know that Dash may, in fact, be uncertain of her sexual orientation. If thats the case, that could make for much tension in the future. Perhasp even conflict!<3!
Oooooh, snowed in! On the verge of cliche without being cliche. I kinda want the oh-so-simple yet oh-not-so-commonly-used method of Rarity using magic to melt their way out or Dash flying up the chimney to get help (or pulling Rarity with her)
But I suspect being snowed in will come with some of the traditional snowed-in themes, like cuddling for warmth, running low on food, deep passionate makeout sessions and sex, or at least some confessions of feelings. Maybe no confessions but 'surviving through hard times together thus becoming closer friends' thing will happen.
Anywho, too early to really 'call' anything but I look forward to Chapter 3 =)
Chapter 3 rhymes with WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
First sentence I read confused me and I was like 'wtf?' but then when I read a little further I remembered the end of the last chapter and was all 'ahhhh' and nodding and stuff.
I would suggest mentioning Rainbow Dash by name at least once in that first paragraph since its all about her, more or less. As an avid and in-depth reader, I figured it out, but the point that I had to 'figure it out' is sort of a problem in and of itself, ya know? But don't fret, for it was funny! I also found it sweet how Rarity would give up virtualy everything just to spend some time with Rainbow Dash.
sense*
Using the hyphen implies that 'white' is a category of 'silky', but 'silky' is a texture while 'white' is a color, so I would reccomend changing to to "silken, white coat" or get rid of one or the other of the descriptors.
Oh snap,i hadn't thought about food and wood. Well, wood for the fire I just sorta figured ripping floorboards up. Food I hadn't thought of. Unless the abanadoned kitchen has a magic supply of food, they may have an issue on their hooves.
You need a comma after "hoof"
I -really- hope the next couple of paragraphs explains why a sack of fresh apples is in an abandoned, dusty house since apples are perishable.
Rewrite this, please. It feels like two or three sentences sliced up, rearranged, and superglued together.
Another new word! This one i've heard but never seen written, but I still needed to google it! I love you for expanding my vocabulary ^.^
Hrm...Dash's prolongued head trauma is a little disconcerting. I mean, Twilight had a piano dropped on her head and was fine a few minutes later. But that's cartoon logic vs fanfiction logic, so I won't hammer away at that any longer than this incredibly padded sentence.
Also, when you shift perspectives- as in:
You should realy ensure that the first noun/pronoun directly references whom the new perspective is. Since Rainbow Dash spoke in the first paragraph, the second one should be "Now free from her worries, Rarity guided...etc"
Okay! End of chapter! Ends with a kiss that- I assume- Rarity initiated while she was fantasizing. The kiss I believe is far more chaste than the one in the fantasy, but so far so good. I semi-sorta called the "snowed-in romantic scenario" in my last comment, so I'm gonna make this a 'flag' that indicates how correct I was.
My only question? WTF with the fresh bag of apples!?!?
2231597 While you called the "snowed in scene", you may not have assumed correctly with some things.The apples will be explained... Chapter 4 will tell! Thanks as always for your in-depth review! I now title-rape you as my Official Editor!
2231668
Nuuuu! Official = responsibility D= Ah'm too lazy fer 'sponsibility!
2231715 Haha. It's not an occupation, I'm sure you'll continue finding something wrong with the chapters to come. And I have drawn out the entire story board. Your question about the apples will certainly be answered in the next chapter. But you may not like the answer. All necessary changes have been made, you have also been accredited! I wish I could pay you for this!
2231763
I wish you could pay me too xD
2190658
Missed one.
"gate": an opening in a wall or fence
"gait": a particular way of walking
Like flutterdash1, I'm enjoying this one.
2214999
It was a new one on me, too.
Chapter four D=
Please update I need to know what happens in the story