The year: 1035 CC, or Celestia's Calender.
Ponyville has grown from a sleepy town into a still sleepy city. Never outgrowing it's base values thanks to the guiding hooves of the Elements of Harmony, it is the central focus point of the newest breakthrough: Arcanotech.
Garnet Brave finds himself on the cusp of stallion hood with no cutie mark. Struggling to find his place in a family of lawkeepers and guardponies, he stumbles into a situation that will test him in every way. Watch as he learns his true strength, earns strong friends, and finds out what it really means to be a hero...to wear the title of Kamen Pony.
This is a Native Crossover (Thank you WD's How To: Crossovers post) of Kamen Rider and MLP. While not focusing on any standing characters, I hope to develop a wonderful, kinda episodic adventure showing growth and adventure.
(For a Crash Course on Kamen Rider, see Geek Crash Course at geekcrashcourse.com or their Youtube channel.)
Well, I'll give you this much: you know how to punctuate properly. That's more than I can say about most people on this site who have tried a Kamen Rider/Pony crossover.
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Seriously, though. This is a good start, but I feel like there's a huge chunk of the story missing. Like, one second he walks into a lab, next BAM. Throw on the belt and fight the monsters. One word: pacing. Flesh things out a bit. I find it a little hard to believe that they would just let him sleep there until nightfall. Also, give us some world building. I can see that you want to wait a chapter or two for the proper details, and that's fine, but some foreshadowing would go a long way. Why was Twilight developing this system? Where did the mutants come from? Like, some cryptic conversation between Twilight and someone else would be golden.
Anyway, flesh out your stuff a bit, and maybe you can finally be the one to break the Kamen Rider/Pony crossover curse. (I'd break it myself, but I'm lazy. I actually started writing a Kamen Rider/Pony story a few days ago, but I don't have a very good track record for consistent writing.
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Thanks for the comment!
You're right when you say I want to wait a bit for some more fleshing out. I'll include some more details as to what happened earlier when he was asleep, but it's paced as it is for a reason. Could be worse: I could have done a classic cold opening part way into the story with little information as to how he go to where he is.
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with DiStort up there. The main problem I have with how this scene is paced is that I barely got to know Gem Light and Garnet Brave. All I know is that Garnet Brave is a sad sack who needs a lucky break. I could have done with more moments fleshing them out. Then again, I'm not at all used to fast-paced stories and I could probably use a lesson on how to streamline a plot myself, but if you don't give me those moments, I'd at least like to see them later, please!