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Chapter One: Enlistment644 words
Chapter Two: Wish Fulfillment 630 words
Chapter Three: Send-Off408 words
Chapter Four: Words Unspoken522 words

Chapter Four: Words Unspoken

Dear Rainbow Dash,

It’s so good to hear from you! I haven’t received a letter from you in so long, I was starting to think the air force had already deployed you. I never realized basic training was so demanding for new recruits, or I may have had second thoughts. That was just a joke by the way, I wasn’t being serious about not enlisting due to physical activity.

So how are you adjusting to life in the military? I just arrived to my assigned barracks at Fort McColt, where the Ponyville army recruits are being trained. We were all assigned a “battle buddy,” because they apparently don’t want us wandering around by ourselves, and I was paired with an earth pony by the name of Cherry Blossom. You probably don’t know her, but she worked in the east park attending the garden. I always thought she was a pretty quiet mare, but today she was telling me all about her cherry blossom tree, such as how to water it, feed it, prune it, and keep it safe from the elements. I’ve learned more about cherry blossoms through ten minutes of listening to her talk than a whole library on the subject could have taught me in five years.

Anyways, before receiving our training uniforms, we were all lined up in a single-file line while the camp commandant, Brigadier General Straightback, gave us his “welcoming speech.” It was pretty much just him telling us all the rules and regulations we’ll have to obey while here in training camp. There were a ton, but they basically boil down to this: don’t talk back to the drill sergeants, go nowhere without your battle buddy, always make sure your clothes and equipment are neat and well-organized, and never, EVER miss roll-call. We’re also supposed to wake up at 4:30 every morning to start our training bright and early. I don’t know about you, but I’m not too eager to wake up before 8am, let alone at 4:30. Oh, well, it’s too late to back out now, and if you can drag your lazy plot out of bed, then so can I!

By the way, I’m so glad you got our CARE package! I hope you enjoy the latest “Daring Do” novel I added in for you. In this one, Daring Do has to rescue her best friend from the clutches of a creepy cult out for the lost treasure of El Doradhoof. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, you’ll never guess the plot twist at the end!

On another note, I really am glad you decided to write. Ponyville just hasn’t been the same since you left. I know I promised to tell them about us, but I just couldn’t do it. The thought of facing their judgement alone frightened me too much, and, being the coward that I am, I backed out at the last moment. I can only imagine what the Princess might say about it. Please don’t hate me.

-Forever yours,
Twilight Sparkle

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GhostWriter17

GhostWriter17 #1 · Mar 9th, 2013 · · ·

Great story! Has tons of potential, can't wait to see more!

lordvad3r95

lordvad3r95 #2 · Mar 9th, 2013 · 1 · ·

2237826>>2238879 I'm glad you two like it! From what I can tell, the likes are barely staying ahead of the dislikes, though this story has gotten more views in one day than my other one did in one week. Maybe it isn't as bad as I had feared it would turn out to be.

FakeScienceMonthly

FakeScienceMonthly #3 · Mar 10th, 2013 · · ·

While I was reading this, I thought it was some sort of satire, but after reading the description again, I guess it's not. So anyway, what I'm getting at is: why did you make Twilight so Stupid? I would think for most people, the consequences of war would be the first thing they would think about, yet you portray a world where at one speech from the princess, ponies break down into tears with patriotism. I suppose you could make the argument that because of the lack of wars in recent history, ponies aren't aware of this, but it's still a really thin building point.

If the whole story is a character perspective, and the character is not willing to reason intelligently, it becomes hard to bond with them. All the things I want to know about the story are the things Twilight doesn't want to ask. If Twilight is just going to be shallow until reality forces itself on her, what's the intrigue? Everyone reading the story knows that war causes damage.

The journal/letter format is not a good way to convey a story like this. It would work if Twilight was undecided about the war and Celestia was pushing her into it, but without internal conflict, there's no interest. If there is an army, then surely somepony has war experience, and if that's true why aren't there records of it that Twilight could read? Why does no one think?

I just can't continue this.

lordvad3r95

lordvad3r95 #4 · Mar 10th, 2013 · 1 · ·

2241917 Since they haven't actually had a war in over 200 years, I was trying to convey a sense of innocence towards war, much like World War I. Having not fought a war in several generations, they don't really know what it's really like, and since the feeling I got from the show was one of enthusiastic and unquestioning obedience to the Princesses, that's what I chose to portray. I'm sorry if you didn't like it, maybe I'll have better luck with later stories.

Arzoo

Arzoo #5 · Mar 10th, 2013 · · ·

The WWI mentality towards an upcoming war is an interesting approach for the pony opinion of war. I think it's a reasonable take on things, if executed right. Not 100% sure you captured the feelings of the time perfectly, though.

Twilight's patriotism is a little grating considering we know she's very smart and big on reasoning. I can accept that she trusts in the Princess and believes in the cause... but since the "cause" is really very vague (war typically has more to it than just "diamond dogs are being oppressed") it's hard to keep reminding myself that. Since you seem to be going down the route of WWI style war (Twilight's reference to artillery advances implies this might be heading towards Trench Warfare), which is a very harsh reality, I really want to see her having a crisis of faith if the reality conflicts with idealism.

The letter format is blah (in my opinion). It's not terrible or unworkable, but it detaches the reader from things and removes details. We didn't see an actual patriotic speech by Celestia, instead we see Twilight inspired by something we expect isn't exactly realistic. We don't see Twilight working hard to prepare, or buoyed by her naivete, we just read about it; if you kill Cherry Blossom for effect later, it's not going to hit the reader quite as hard because we didn't actually meet her. If Twilight finds her first or second battle to be a hellish nightmare and we only read about it then it won't have nearly the impact that it would if we got raw details as it happened to her.

lordvad3r95

lordvad3r95 #6 · Mar 10th, 2013 · 1 · ·

2242655 Perhaps major changes to this are required after all. If the readers are not getting emotionally involved, that means I'm not doing it right. I'll have to completely overhaul the story, but if that's what it takes, I don't mind. Perhaps a letter serving as every other chapter would work?

Arzoo

Arzoo #7 · Mar 10th, 2013 · 3 · ·

2243923

I wouldn't constrain yourself to a specific pattern in which chapters are letters and which aren't. Just think about what you want to do with each chapter. If you want the reader to be in the trenches with Twilight then a letter probably isn't a great idea, but if you want them to learn that she's finding the march somewhere tedious (she'd probably get restless and complain to Celestia that few of her superiors seem interested in her organization ideas or in using some obscure spell to improve things) or that she is suddenly having a few private doubts with a battle looming close then a letter is just fine.

Sometimes you can use the detachment of letters to great effect. For example, a chapter starts with the reader with Twilight as her regiment (or whatever) is ordered to storm a trench (or something similarly awful). The reader gets the awful details up until a certain point (and it's important to know when to let up) and then the second half of the battle is conveyed by letters. In letters you can (and should) omit details; make things more awful by having the reader imagine what it was that Twilight doesn't even want to open up to the Princess about it right away. A crisp military report about Twilight Sparkle having a magic surge resulting in X casualties for both sides and her being recommended for a medal, and then following with a letter from Twilight to Celestia (or maybe Rainbow Dash or her other friends) that just says something like, "I'm not a good pony anymore" would capture the detachment of a large military alongside the trauma of the individual.

Either way, I think you should make sure you know exactly how/when/where these letters are being written. They're not just this separate storytelling method; consider when Twilight actually writes them, and possibly when she receives them. A little thing like "I'm sorry I didn't write one yesterday, but we had to march all day long, and when we finally stopped I just collapsed into bed" makes it feel like these letters solidly exist in the story somewhere, and also happens to give some information about what Twilight did yesterday. I'm not 100% certain how letters work for the military, but I think they get sent/received in waves; Twilight getting a huge cluster of letters from her friends all at once would probably be a big, noticeable morale boost to her (or make her suddenly miss home fiercely), and the timing of when she gets it could be key to the story in terms of how she feels about everything.

lordvad3r95

lordvad3r95 #8 · Mar 10th, 2013 · 1 · ·

2244934 You are probably right, as always. It might be awhile, but the story will have much more added to it. I actually did have a similar idea, but being sick, making up schoolwork, having five major projects to to at once... you see where this is going. I'm much less busy now, so I will add much more exposition to each chapter. Thank you for the input , I really do appreciate it, I can't fix anything if no one tells me what is wrong, you know?

Arzoo