The morning light shone into the room and onto the dirty floor covered with clothes and dirt from the day before. Macintosh groaned as he turned in his bed and opened his eyes, adjusting to the new light. Lifting his muzzle he could smell his mother’s famous apple pancakes cooking as that very lovely mare called for him.
“Comin’ Mama,” Mac yelled down the stairs as he quickly shoved the mess under his bed. Smiling at his job of “cleaning” his room he made his way down the stairs.
“Good morning Macintosh,” his mother sweetly sang as she set a plate of pancakes onto the table where Mac always sat.
The young red colt smiled up at his mother as he hopped into his seat, “Good mornin’ Mama.”
Mac licked his lips and just as he was about to eat his breakfast his mother stepped in with the dreaded question, “Did you clean your room Mac?” She smiled looking back at her son knowing him too well.
It was moments like this the colt was thankful he had a red coat to hide his furious blush as he looked sheepishly back at his mother, “Ah did Mama.”
She raised a brow, “Oh? Then everything should be fine when I go to sweep up there.”
Mac nodded as he happily ate his pancakes, “Eeyup,” was his only reply between the tasty morsels.
Mother nodded, “So I won’t be attacked by any dust bunnies under your bed then?”
Mac looked at his mother and nervously ran to his room to properly clean it, “Ahm not done yet!!” Granny Smith smiled and started to laugh as she rocked in her favorite rocking chair.
After a fierce dusty battle, Macintosh finally came back downstairs with his favorite hat on and his travel pack along his back.
Granny Smith looked at the blank flanked colt, “Off to see that Shining Armor again are ya?”
Mac beamed up at his grandmother and nodded vigorously, “Yes’m!” With that he stood on his hind hooves to lean and kiss Granny Smith on the cheek and did the same for his mother. “Bye Granny, bye Mama! Ah’ll be back later!” Macintosh then trotted off to go rendezvous with his best friend in the world Shining Armor the unicorn.
Granny looked at Mac’s mother and smiled continuing to rock in her chair, “Those two are inseparable I swear.” Mother simply smiled in reply and watched her son trot away.
Shining sat on the normal meet up spot and started to reminisce about the times he and Mac had together. He looked down at his hooves and closed his eyes as a light breeze blew across his face ruffing his blue mane and carried with it the distinct scent of Macintosh as he approached the young unicorn. Mac smiled as he saw his friend, he wasn’t aware as of why but everytime he laid eyes on Shining’s angelic white coat he felt his heart skip a beat.
“Shining!” Mac yelled, “Hey! I snuck some of mama’s pancakes for you!” Shining looked down at the red colt and walked slowly towards him and offered a hoof. Mac smiled as he bumped his hoof with the unicorn’s then walked with him back to the hill.
Reaching into the pack the apple red colt pulled a stack of still warm apple pancakes,”Ta-da!” Shining appreciatively took one of the pancakes and began to eat happily swishing his tail.
“Mac, I swear your momma makes the best pancakes ever!” Shining said excitedly.
Mac chuckled and scratched the back of his head sheepishly as he blushed softly, “Ah shucks.”
Shining watched the pony as he blushed and felt a smile grow across his face and he continued to eat and look out to the field below. Ponies of all sorts were bustling about getting their daily business done. They both sat there in silence for a bit just observing the town.
Mac finally broke the silence, “When ah grow up ah’m gonna be runnin the farm just like Papa!” He raised a hoof to his heart, “He’s the best pony in the world! Ah wanna be just like him!” Shining smiled at his friend watching his eyes sparkle. He knew that Mac could do it, he could do anything. Mac looked at Shining catching his eyes real quick, but only for a moment for when their eyes met the smaller unicorn turned his head as a brush of pink spread across his muzzle.
“What are you gonna do when you grow up Shining,” Mac asked excitedly, he always wanted to know what a unicorn would want to do for job since they have magic. Shining finally registered the question into his brain and splayed his ears back as he lowered his head. Mac observed the nature of his pal and tilted his head concerned. Shining choked back the lump in his throat and tried to make as little eye contact as possible because the pain would be unbearable.
“Ma and Pa... they’re sending me to Cadet School to become a part of the Royal Guard.” Mac splayed his ears back as they both sat in silence.
“Well,” Mac started, “its not like we won’t see each other ever again right?” Young as he was, he knew that the chances of them seeing each other would be very slim but Mac just had to have something to give Shining to hold onto.
Shining looked at Mac and smiled nodding reassuringly, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Mac, filled with energy from seeing the colt smile, jumps up and raises a hoof to the other child.
"Of course ah'm right!" Shining laughed warmly at the newfound energy Mac was using.
After a long period of wrestling and washing off in the stream, the young colts find themselves at the train station. Mac was standing with his family as the adults talked about being in Canterlot.
Shining finally approached Mac with sad eyes as he said sheepishly, "So... I guess this is it. I'm gonna really miss you... Big Mac." He tried hard to hold back the tears as Mac smiled.
"It's not goodbye, it's see you later," Mac said trying to reassure Shining again. Mac raised his hoof for one last hoof bump. Shining looked at Mac's hoof to him. It took all the courage he could muster but he threw his forehooves over the bigger colt and hugged him tight letting the tears fall.
Mac was taken by surprise but calmed and rubes the angelic white colts back, "Ah promise we will see eachother again Shining Armor, ah promise."
Shining finally stepped into the train car and looked back at Mac feeling better as the promise repeated itself in his mind.
"See you later Mac." Mac smiles choking back the tears, "See you later, Shining." With that last statement the door closed and the train started to leave.
Mac couldn't help but run after the train to the end of the station yelling, "I'll wait for you! I'll wait for you..."
Mac's mother came up and put a hoof on her troubled son's shoulder, "C'mon sugarcube... Lets go home." Macintosh reluctantly bowed his head in defeat and nodded heading home with his mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big Macintosh sat at the top of the hill where he and Shining Armor would hang out and let the breeze blow across him and caress his red coat and orange mane. Its been years since that fateful day when Shining left. Every day since then Mac would come to the hill to watch the train station to see if Shining would come home. For years he repeated this process only missing it when his parents died and for the birth of his little sisters Applejack and Apple Bloom. Today would be the last day he would come to this spot.
Looking over across the town he took a deep breath, “Eeyup,” he breathed out. Finally feeling at peace with himself he started to make his way down the hill when he heard the train whistle pulling into the station. Although he knew it was hopeless he watched as the ponies filed out of the train all meeting with happy family.
Then he saw it... That unmistakable blue mane that belonged to a special white unicorn. Big Macintosh couldn’t believe his eyes.
Shining Armor was home.
Nicely written. The only issue I see is not starting a new paragraph every time someone new talks.
Also, if you want more publicity, I would spell 'Prologue' correctly. Misspelled chapter names are turn-offs for potential readers.
2116228 Thanks! I'm a new writer so forgive my naive-ness but do you mean that i should start a new paragraph when others speak?
2116301
Yes; every time someone new has dialogue, a new paragraph is needed to direct the focus on the speaking character.
Otherwise, your spelling, grammar, and storytelling are great. If you want, I could proofread for you, as one writer to another.
2116375 I would appreciate it
Hmm. I suppose the question is, how did these two get together in the first place?
Why are they together? Is this an alternative universe where Shining Armor never married Cadence?
How did they get together? Where is the conflict?
Seemed very fast. We went from Mac's house to Shining and Mac on the hill to the train station really quickly. Maybe that's just because I'm a fast reader.
Other than that, it needs a little bit of cleanup on the grammar and punctuation side of things. Get a proofreader. I know there's an entire group dedicated to that. If you ask, someone's bound to help.
Hah, no. Never ask people to be nice because it's your first story. People won't do that.
Okay, first off:
Granny Smith isn't Big Mac's mom. It's his grandmother.
Second, why are Big Mac and Shining Armor friends? They have no established relations in the slightest in canon. The two are extremely far apart. How did they meet? Why did they meet?
And now, the big part: the characters are OOC as FUCK. Big Mac does not sound nor act like this at all, same for Shining Armor, same for Granny Smith, same for everything! Why are they not the ones we know already instead of these ponies acting like dumb OC's? I recommend you go through the episodes and some fics with the characters in them and figure out what people did with their personality.
Those are my major nitpicks. I am also wondering about the ending of the prologue. What happened between that time? It makes no sense on why it is rushed so hard. You are just running through the plot. Slow down the story, please.
Well, I'm out.
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2121120 all will be explained in chapter 1. But to answer your question they have been together sonce they were young foals always friends. The princess cadence thing be explained later and she will have a big part of this. This wil be revealed in chapter 1 but Shining was always bullied and Mac was the only one that stood up for him which is what led to the strong feelings. I realize know that I should have posted chapter 1 hen I posted this. But like I have previously said all shall be explained. Thank you for brińig this up though.
I'm currently working on getting a proofreader thank you all for letting me know how you feel. I wish to use tho information to become a better writer. If worse comes to worse I will just delete this story an make one with OCs. Ie wants o be a writer so badly so I hope to make a story everyone will enjoy. Thank you.
That does nothing but make people take off the gloves and be rougher.
You know, it's not as bad as the vote ratio made me expect. Technically, it's fairly clean. Sure, you missed a couple commas and spelled "rubes" instead of "rubbed" in the paragraph a few before the break, but my eyes didn't bleed or anything.
Golden-whatserface said most of the main issues I saw. I'm also a bit concerned about consistency. Where was Twilight this whole time?
2121653 As I have said before all will be revealed soon as soon as I get chapter 1 proofread it will explain everything
Not bad, but three things i would have included to build the characters and their world a bit more.
1st, i would give a bit more description as to their back story, how they became friends and such.
2nd, You have a completely original character (not sure if you are going to include macs father), include them. The key to making a reader engaged is to give them something they haven't seen before. WARNING: I have read so many stories without any OC's and the main 6 show no development, for instance, RD stays extremely arrogant, with no change to her attitude what so ever as the story progresses.
3rd, It would be nice to see how Mac deals with the loss of his friend between the time jump you made. How does he feel without him, what does he do to remind himself of shining, how does he deal with his absence.
I am no expert, being only an novis, but this advice is based on what i have learnt from the constructive critique of others, for which i am extremely grateful. If you really want to get better as a writer, you need to have a different attitude. You should look forward top having your story ripped to shreds, rather than expect everyone to say nice stuff, that's the only way most writers i know get better and i'm guessing it will be the same for you.
2124133 thank you. I've already taken all of this into consideration as i finished writing chapter 1 so as soon as it gets proofread it should explain everything
Not my cup of tea, but I just wanted to thank you for excellently written description of story, if only more people wrote proper descriptions like you. Good luck with your writing, and if you ever decide to write something less gay, I will gladly read it.