The Elements of Harmony the most powerful and oldest artifacts in Equestria but what if there was another artifact just as powerful and as old as the Elements. This is the story of Crimson Shield and his adventures with his friends, while vowing to not only protecting them put all of Equestria with his life. R&R!
OC centric story. OC X Derpy X Fluttershy.
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Hey everyone this is my first story that i have wrote. please review and send me some feedback
thank you
Hmmmm.....don't get me wrong, I like your OC. But he seems really Gray-Sue, not only that but Derpy went from crying to joy to moving in a stranger in her home, talk about rushed. Shit. I would very much suggest an editor, all in all a 6/10. Might want to re-edit this chapter and be sure to look over your chapter completely before posting, I guess you can count me in for this
2098182
well like I said this is my very first story but I see what you mean about being a little rushed but the way Im going to portray or want to portray Derpy is she has a very child-like innocent personality who is smart but doesn't really been given any real comfort or compliments in her life not from her friends because Rainbow Dash is not that experienced in giving comfort like that and Fluttershy is too shy to do that or family even thou they love Derpy they are kinda embarrassed except for her sister who usually took care of Derpy before she moved away for college and hasn't heard from her in years. So she went from sad to joy because someone finally gave her some attention and comforted her something she hasn't experienced in years. And also I didn't mean for him to be moving in with her just for that night since it was raining and it was kinda late at night. but i do agree with you i might need an editor. do you know anyone who would to help me?
2098182
I also wanted to do a story where instead of creating a new element. i created a new artifact
2098556 Maybe ask my very speical author friend Miss Dark Angel, she may just be able to help you, and I know of a few others though I can't remember their names
But if you tell her I sent you, she may be able to help
And I see your point, Derpy is not like that in the slightest in my story, Melting a cold heart
Huh.....nice
Not a bad idea
2098661
thank you I will ask and see what she thinks about my story and she if could edit my story. and i read your story and its in my favorites. and your comment about my character being a Gray-Sue I'm sorry if he seems like that. i want him to be the kind of guy whose willing to do anything for his friends and loved ones, and protect them with his life. but he will take some stuff to far like he will see someone picking on derpy and knock the guy out cold, he gets angry quickly when someone messes with his friends. he is in the military but more like a auxiliary solider who has some terrible memories that plagues his mind
2098786 That would be est never a problem
Which story?
And hmmmm.....impressive backgroud, just be very careful with OC's so many people can hate them is not done correctly bro, will await for more. ALL HAIL DERPY HOOVES!!!
Very good. This pleased your masters and they expect a couple more good chapters soon. Best not to leave us waiting...
2099082
yes m'lord I will m'lord don't send pinkie diana pie on me m'lord
2098989
and your story Melting a cold heart
i will try and make him correctly
2099121 Thank you my friend, that's all I ask
And ah, glad you liked it, hoping you like the others as well when you have time
2099152
i will definitely check them out
2099254 That really means a lot to me bro
2099499
thank you
Oh, 2098661, you son of a bitch.
If I'd known you'd be advertising for my editing work, I'd pay ya... okay, not really, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Okay, so I'm kind of liking this... sorta... let's get to the review.
First off, this:
You don't, by any means, need that. We know how dialogue and thinking work, so don't worry about us not getting it. Take that out entirely.
Next, capitalize the title of the chapter. Not in the document, in the corner where it's "prologue." People see that when they first stumble into this, and usually aren't attracted to see non-capitalized titles unless you have some strange goddamn reason that I'll never get.
Anyway, the good news is that I do not find the writing to be atrocious. I have definitely seen worse (I worked with the Trained Wreck Explorers--I've seen severely ugly shit, believe me), and I don't mean that as an indirect insult that's trying to soften any harshness. It's not bad. However, that doesn't mean you don't need an editor, because there are mistakes, so improvement can be made. I mean, it never hurts to have an editor at your side while writing. I try to have a pre-reader at hand nowadays at least to see if anything is off.
The story itself... ah, I've seen many "seventh element of harmony" stories in my time here, so the fact it's actually a shield, and not another amulet or whatever, I give props for. Sort of. Just make this work; give it some power that gives it a reason to be a shield, but don't make it, like, the most powerful of the elements. Yes, it could be important, but not the most. That's kind of a throwaway, makes readers go, "Aaah, controller of most powerful piece of the Elements of Harmony=Gary Stu alert. Run!" So make it work if you can. You seem like a good writer, so maybe it could.
I kind of agree with Inferno on the fact the character is somewhat Gary-Stu ish. First off, his appearance. Red hair, blue eyes, okay, that's fine. Even the red coat, I don't mind, but it seems strange; imagining him with a red mane and red coat. But it's not like he has a black coat, so not bad. But draconic wings? Why? Do you have a reason to have them to be draconic, rather than just simple Pegasi wings? If they're there to add a hint of mystery or something, and for no other reason... don't bother. No one will be impressed. They'll hate it, actually. Also, 'steel'-like strength in the jaw? ... I won't be bothered too much by that, I guess. That's just me being severely nitpicky. As for his personality, he doesn't seem so bad. He has potential, but yeah, it's more leaning on a delicate thread between "decent character" to "boring Gary Stu." Although the "Skittles" remark was funny, so I guess that's not too bad. Still, I'm watching you, Crimson Shield.
Also, this:
That got a chuckle out of me. Oh, Derpy. So perfect, coming from her.
I don't think the pacing would be bad if you separate the long paragraphs, or maybe extend them a bit. They are long, but there are only a few. And in some cases, they could separate into a few, smaller paragraphs to make its pace a bit smoother. This could be more opinionated than not, but it's so-so right now, but might be fixable.
I only suggest now that you should add a tag: Alternate universe. Since we're back to the whole Night Mare Moon situation while revealing this Shield, which obviously has never been heard of, it's therefore in a different universe from the show entirely.
Oh, and I can't help but ask about this:
Is it a vase or a clock? Or is it a magical object that transforms into random objects whenever it pleases? ... Okay, I'm no comedic, so make sure to fix that, because that just made me go, "Whuuu?"
I'll PM you and see how we'll do the editing. This has potential of being an okay fanfic, but only if you know what to do right. And since, like I said, I've been on the TWE, and I've seen some cliche', horrible crap of fanfics that did this but also executed it so poorly, they got immediate hate, I can try my best to help you. I'm not as experienced as others, but I think I got the gist of it. I cannot guarantee success in popularity of this; all I can give is my assistance.
Until then!
~Missy
2100263 Pay me? Shit I should be paying you damn it, you're a genuis, no lie
2097850 And trust me man, Dark KNOWS what she's talking about so take her words to serious heart, it may be harsh but that's the whole point for an editor, she does not suger-coat her words so be glad for her honesty, it's better then if someone were to lie to you about it and say it was good rather then say the truth, good luck, tell me when it's re-edited so I can give it a second read. Now if you'll excuss me, I got some clop to write....ALL HAIL DERPY HOOVES!!!!
2099524 no problem
An aritfact older then a God? How strange
Also a few errors but nothing that can't be fixed, also please be sure to give cerdit to your editors, it would really mean a lot to them
Cresentlulamoon Yes I plan on adding some other cultures to it like the Irish and Scottish cultures to the story and with Pinkie Pie...... He will not know what Pinkie Pie is exactly he will probably call her the pink one.