The Loss of a Friend
The five ponies and Twilight's assistants stood by Twilight's hospital bed. Soft sounds of crying could be heard as Spike held Twilight's hoof close to him. Nopony really knew what had happened to her. According to Spike, she had been practicing her magic. He had departed down the stairs to get a snack, when he heard the sound of a thud above. Quickly, he had ran up the stairs to find her on the ground, a book of powerful magic nearby. Everypony just hoped that she had overexerted herself and would be fine in a day or two. But the doctor had said she had entered a deep coma, and may never wake.
"Please wake up Twi... Please." Spike's voice was cracking from him crying, tears slowly streaming down his face and dripping onto Twilight's hoof. It had only been a mere three hours since he had found her on the ground, but to him it seemed like an eternity since he had spoken to her; seen her smile.
The other ponies in the room simply on looked the scene before them. It became too much for them as Spike fell to his knees, hugging Twilight's hoof. Even Pinkie was crying, her usual demeanor completely gone.
"She's going to be alright... She has to be." Rainbow said softly. "Egg heads always pull through." Her joke, although lightening the mood only a tiny bit, instilled the hope that the six needed. But it still wasn't enough. Silence took over the room, the only sound that of the machinery and Twilight's soft yet shallow breathing. Spike slowly released Twilight's hoof and returned it to her side, and with a sniffle says a goodbye, in case she doesn't make it through the night. None of them want to think they will lose their friend, neither can they live under the false belief she will make a perfect recovery.
"Twi... In case you can hear me, please know that... I love you. You've been there for me ever since I hatched, did everything for me..." He paused a moment to catch his breath and wipe his eyes once more. "And I know that you wouldn't want me to worry about you. But it's so hard... Twilight," He climbed onto the bed and hugged the lavender Unicorn, "please don't leave me." The five ponies simply stared in silence at the small dragon. All of them wanted to do the same, but it was best they let Spike get it out of his system. But they needed to let Twilight get the rest she needs.
"Spike... I know you don't want to leave her side... None of us do." Rarity placed her hoof on the small dragons back, who returned a tear soaked eye as he peeked over his shoulder. "But we need to let her get her rest." With a sniffle, the tiny dragon slowly crawled off of Twilight, a small stain where he had just been on the sheets. "Come on, you can stay with me."
"Thanks Rarity... But Twilight would want me to keep the library running." He glanced at Twilight, hoping slightly for a response, even though he knew one wouldn't come. With a final sniffle, he started heading towards the door. Rarity started to follow after him.
"No." She stopped abruptly as Rainbow placed her hoof in front of Rarity. "Let him be alone for a little bit. We'll stop by the library in a bit." Rarity nodded slowly to Rainbow as Spike opened the door. Not seeing the tall figure before him, he walked right into the hoof of Celestia.
"Spike." She looked down on the small dragon, who returned the look before quickly hurrying away from the room.
"Princess..." The five mares looked at the royal figure as she entered the room and stood next to Twilight's bed.
"I'm sorry, but could you five..."
"Of course princess." Applejack stepped forward and said goodbye to her friend, followed by the four others. They left one by one, leaving the princess standing over her beloved student.
"Twilight..." Tears began to well up steadily into the princess's eyes as she sat near her most beloved student. "What happened to you?" A single tear dropped from her eye, landing on Twilight's right hoof. Celestia look up from Twilight and out the window, the sunset casting a brilliant orange on the horizon; a shadow of Twilight breathing slowly on the wall, with Celestia sitting by her.
Slowly, Celestia leaned her head down and touched her horn to her student's. The coma she was in was beyond any magical help, but she thought that perhaps Twilight would become aware of her standing by her side if they had a magical connection. Another tear dripped from her eye onto Twilight's muzzle as she she pulled her horn away. The fact that she got nothing from touching her horn meant that her student was in no state of conscious at all. She probably wasn't even dreaming, which meant that her student at least wasn't feeling any pain.
"My most loyal student... No, my favorite student... Even if you can't hear me, I want you to know that..." She looked away from the unconscious mare to the floor as tears began to pour from her eyes. "That I love you like a daughter. I wanted you to know that in case..." She stood up and walked to the door, not able to take looking at the only pony she had ever loved as a daughter before in that state. "You don't wake up."
The door slowly closed behind Celestia as she left. If she had stayed a moment longer, she would have notice that Twilight was indeed in some state of conscious. Although it wasn't a good one... Because as she left, a single tear rolled from Twilight's eye and fell softly onto her pillow.
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interesting story.......I want to see where this goes
also......1.bp.blogspot.com/-_TkbcIBMy1Y/T2Ioh3r-T_I/AAAAAAAABGA/BAJcgUhFm7c/s1600/firstpost.jpg
Looks interesting.
Edit: Shouldn't it be NEAR fatal, and not fatal?
"Following a fatal incident involving her magic, Twilight goes into a deep coma."
>Fatal incident
>Goes into a deep coma
Apart from that, looks interesting.
2078129 Hope to have you stick around!
2078131 Yes, thank you for catching that!
2078136 That is now fixed. Surprising how a simple missing word can mess an entire description up!
Interesting concept. Looking forward where the journey goes.
2078162 Hope you enjoy!
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/5723041792/hB7B30D84/
Great story can't wait for more.
Cant wait!
2078339 2078382 A new chapter should be out today, but that all depends on if I get the time during class. Knowing me, I will.
2078544 Glad to hear! Hope you enjoy!
2079207 Ah, that's a good song as well. I shall now use both as inspiration!
this is such a cool story but its also kinda sad
2079696 Thank you. It's not easy to make a sad story, that's for sure. Well, it is, but isn't at the same time, if that makes sense.
lol
Ok, this one is hitting me RIGHT IN THE FEELS!
I think it has earned an upvote and fav too.
God damnit, don't make me sad. I'm looking at GrimDark stuff for fics about psycho murderers. Any suggestions?
The story is really good though and I enjoyed it
2276471
Cupcakes?
Love this story so far, and I apologise for my need to correct grammar in advance.
You slipped from past tense to present tense for a second there, it should be
When doing a sentence between to dialogue tags that are still the same sentence, you use a comma, not a period.
This piece is a little bit messy, grammatical errors only though, you slipped into present tense again.
Even after that though, it sounds a bit awkward. The reason for this is because you use the words 'but' and 'needed' too close together. I assume this is the original reason you changed the tense of the second 'needed', but that doesn't work. In the next paragraph you also have Rarity saying pretty much the same thing, but it sounds better. If I were you, I would just chop the second sentence completely and rely on Rarity to get what's going on across to the reader.
Same awkwardness here, but much easier to fix.
This line is slightly OOC for Celestia. It's not confident enough. Sure Celestia isn't feeling confident right now, but she would keep up a brave face for her little ponies and then brake down as soon as they leave. Something like this would be much more like her:
Slipped tense again here.
...and maybe mixed up the words a little bit.
That's the minimum I would change to make that sound right, but I would write it this way:
One last time, we have a tense slip, and whatever the word is for that second one.
This works, but IMO you're telling the reader too much and not trusting us to read between the lines. Another way to put it would be:
Over all I think you're a pretty good writer. I'd say your biggest problem right now is that you have a habit of changing the tense as your go-to solution when something sounds wrong. This is bad, because unless the tense is inconsistent with the rest of the story, it's never the problem. This story is in past tense, so outside of dialogue your verbs should always be past tense.
2276471 Twilight's dollhouse, The assassination of Twilight Sparkle, Killing Mary Sue, From the Depths, and Silent Ponyville. Those are the best things I can think of off the top of my head. There was another really good one about Fluttershy killing everybody in ponyville, but I can't remember what it was called. I think it was by Penstroke.
Poor Twilight!
I am so sorry bronies, but I want to see where this story goes. (sniff)
Interesting story. Need to keep reading!