Thanks to "Diarch" for editing this. Also, thanks to my proof readers, "TexPony", "NightShader", and "multiple bronies."
Okay, before you judge the story, I'm going to tell you now, these beginning chapters are REALLY bad and unedited unless they say so. I recommend reading at least 7 or 8 chapters in before making a final opinion.
It was a bright and sunny day in the beginning of summer in Ponyville when he came. His name was Dim Shadow. Dim Shadow usually kept to himself. He found himself most comfortable in old, dark places. It wasn't that he was depressed or had a negative personality, he just really enjoyed that type of scenery. He was the kind of colt who was always trying to help others, but usually didn't talk unless spoken to. Dim Shadow’s coat was grey, and he had a light blue mane that fought bitterly with his sapphire eyes. His cutiemark was a heart with a shadow, and within the shadow was one pony helping another off the ground.
After the completion of arranging his room in his new home he wanted to check out the town. It was better to spend some time memorizing it now than to get lost in the future.
He took out a map that his parents gave to him. He noticed a few parks so he decided to go to the one on the edge of town near the woods. Little did he know it was the worst park to choose. As Dim Shadow made his way to the park, he passed a building that look battered and run down. Judging by the broken windows and ivy vines growing on the side. It looked abandoned He also noticed the school house nearby I assume that's where I'm going in a few months, looks pretty bland. he thought to himself in an unexcited tone.
When Dim Shadow finally arrived at the park he noticed that there were many young colts with cutie marks that had to do with sports like basketball or scootering. There were occasional fitness cutiemarks in the mass as well. Dim looked very out of place, and he knew that he was. He didn't spend much time there, maybe a minute, and everypony was already giving him weird looks and chuckling. Before he could leave, he was met by three colts blocking the exit.
"Hey, you the new kid?" The tall, orange pegasus said with a devilish grin on his face. Dim knew where this was going.
"Yeah, how did you know that?" Dim Shadow said.
"Cheerilee said that you would be coming to town, but you never got to school. My name's Heavy Weight." The colt said.
"Well it’s nice to meet you Heavy Weight. Now can you please move." Dim Shadow said, narrowing his eyes.
"Sorry, I can’t do that. All of the new guys gotta pay the fee, so give it up." Heavy Weight said, laughing a little
"Well sucks to be you. I don't have any money on me, so I will say it again. Can you move?" Dim snorted.
"Excuse me? Did you just try tell off one of the toughest, strongest colts in Ponyv-" Heavy Weight was cut off when Dim shoved him do the ground with a shoulder, and just walked off like it was normal. For him it was. In his old town there were many ponies like this that he had to deal with daily, so it became more of a routine for him or maybe even part of his life.
All the other ponies watching began laughing at Heavyweight as the new pony from nowhere just threw a very, very strong colt to dirt like common trash.
"I won't forget about this!" Heavy Weight shouted at Dim Shadow "I'll hurt you, and make you wish you were never born!"
"When I cry!" Dim Shadow yelled back. "When I cry..." he said softly under his breathe.
Can I give you some honest criticism?
Whelp, this chapter is pretty short, just figured I'd point out a few things that, in my humble opinion, could use a bit of touching up. It looks good so far, but there's a smattering of little things, here and there.
First off, make sure to indent all or none of your paragraphs, there are some in, some out, and it seems a bit odd.
Secondly, make sure to check for errors, kind of like using "begging" instead of "beginning". On the first few lines of a story, errors tend to send people away.
Thirdly, and in my opinion, the most prominent: Commas! Commas commas commas, my friend! Use them with a passion, with a fire to spread out your writing, to make it more powerful!
Fourth, and finally Tense. Keep it in the past, or in the present. Mingling the two tends to jumble sentences, making readers uncertain of what exactly is going on.
These are just a few suggestions I would like to make, you may take them or leave them.
Here's a paragraph that I decided to, uh, tidy up a little. No intention of offense, just trying to get rid of the little things.
Dim Shadow usually kept to himself, and liked being alone in old, dark areas. It wasn't a matter of depression, or of a negative personality, he just preferred that kind of scenery. (This is more of an opinionated thing, but using the word emo here makes it seem a bit... off. A little bit uncaring, almost. Later on, there's some curse words that really don't fit, but I can only assume you're attempting to match a particular personality, so I'll leave those be.) He was a kind pony, who always tried to help others whenever he could, but didn't normally speak unless spoken to. He had a (adjective. dark, dim? Anything to add more descriptiveness is fantastic) grey coat and contrasting light blue mane with glimmering, sapphire blue eyes. His cutie mark was a heart, casting a shadow of one pony helping another to its hooves.
SO THERE YOU ARE! A bunch of advice from a random author who's still working on his first fanfiction himself. I hope I was of assistance, and I hope to see you perfect your writing!
Dim Shadow is alot like me especially with Heavyweight
Well I tried that then the could stood up and 3 others joined him and they kicked my ass I was just standing up for my GF and he beat my ass sooo yeah that sucked my avatar LOL size 32
Hmm.
A few tips:
Make sure that you're constant in your formatting. By that I mean the space between paragraphs and whether or not you indent your work.
Second, you might want to vest some time in the art of show vs tell, espcially when it comes to avoiding adverbs. They weaken your writing a litte and scenes that could be lively come out as flat instead. Thirdly (hehe) Going into more detail could do you little harm, but try to hide that detail in your text.
Just some helpful pointers!
When I cry?! The fuck kinda comeback is that?
Other than the place he enjoys (I like being out in a quiet, serene part of nature usually by myself, for some reason I get annoyed/angered if someone starts talking to me or bothers me for any reason really, even if it is family, whenever I'm enjoying just sitting somewhere relaxing/reading or when I'm deep in thought/lost in my overactive(I believe that's the word) imagination) that's pretty much how I usually am. Why am I typing this when no one cares you may ask. Honestly? I ramble whenever I DO talk(Which isn't often), even when I'm typing I ramble because I type whatever's on my mind at the moment. I just wish I was better at writing, with what my overactive imagination comes up with (Some pretty good adventure... Stories? Clips? I don't know) but if i could just learn to write
betterPERIOD. I'd probably not daydream/zone out so much since the stories would be outta my head and I could stop trying to subconsciously remember them ,knocking everything else I WANT to remember out/pushing into the recesses of my mind. Seriously I have trouble remembering what happened Yesterday but I can remember the lyrics WORD FOR WORD of a song I haven't listened to in over 6 years. And that's what I meant by rambling... I'm just going to post this before I tell you my life story.