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(Spoilered for all you people who read comments before the story.)
So, the burning question ... is the reader still there in the morning? I don't know! To answer that, somebody out there will have to write a sequel …
One side note, which I found difficult to work naturally into the story, on jealousy. Couples in healthy open relationships (like Cadence and Shining here — her being the Princess of Love and all) don't often have issues with it; the sort of person who gravitates toward an open relationship in the first place generally does so because their ability to vicariously enjoy their partner having fun outweighs their possessiveness.
Cady and Shiny are totally secure in each other's love; otherwise, we wouldn't see Celestia sending random interdimensional strangers to their house for sex. So Shining's "look at how much fun I'm having without you" is meant as mischievous rather than mean-spirited. Cadence will pay him back for it later with some indescribably amazing teasing. Oh, yes, she will. And he is going to look forward to it.
Well, this is certainly the most unique format I've ever seen in a clopfic. Nice job.
One knighty stand.
I would pay money for that clopfic to be done.
2058957 Knighty In Shining Armor?
2058938 Thank you!
2059040 Fuck yea.
2058957
I'd make it.
2059155 du eet fggt
ths is dam good
(Joke) Alt. Title: It's A Long Way To The Top (If You Wanna Write Some Clop)
...It works in context! And if you know the lyrics...
2059180
Bookmarked for later
2059330
♫ If you think it's easy doin' one night stands
Try bein' a playa in pony lands
… Yeah, I got nothin'. I used up all my filk creativity earlier this week on that "Alicornication" parody.
2059254
> dam good
I see what you did mare. …There.
2059539
I think I could write a clop-based parody of "It's A Long Way To The Top"... Maybe... Possibly... I have no idea...
This is certainly a unique take on clopfiction. I like unique and unusual things. I also like well-constructed things. This story was both. But you kinda lost me at the Moon-raising-ceremony-turns-into-orgy bit; that's just a little too ridiculous, even for me. Overall, though, very well-written and very enjoyable. Easy thumb up.
Very interesting format! It's like a radio show, I enjoyed it!
Original, well-written, hearthwarming and cute. I like it. Thank you!
Wow! That was a fun thrill ride!
That was an EXCELLENT fic. I loved the way it was written and everything.
I just read a clopfic that I actually really liked. A second person, HiE clopfic.
The end is nigh.
2064337
*Neigh.
It needs AUDIO VERSION stat
Thank you all for reading it and taking the time to comment!
2058938 2059624 2060462 2061434
"Original"/"unique"/"interesting" seems to be the consensus here, which is heartening because this was fairly experimental writing and it seems like it reached its goal. Its upvote/downvote/view ratio is all out of proportion to my other stories, but the baseline for clop stories seems to be very different than for non-clop.
So noted on the lunar-raising thing. I do think it makes sense given the premise of the story, but it's good to hear what crosses folks' disbelief lines.
2064337
Thank you! Can I ask how you ran across it? Your comment came long after it fell off the front page, and I'm not aware of any other links to it aside from EqAD.
I can't imagine a nicer compliment on a story which set out to be the exception that proves the rule.
2065986
No plans for that, but I'd be thoroughly flattered to have someone take up that project!
I don't ever remember consenting to this...
2066459 It is odd that that was what broke the disbelief for me and not the Celestia-sending-random-transformed-humans-to-fuck bit. I guess it was because it wasn't really necessary to mention it for the story to work. After a second look, though, I can see how it fits into your version of Equestria.
so much to see, do and explore, and the reader gets stuck with Shinie for a night? Sounds a great idea, on this evidence. I don't normally like the "you're suddenly a horse in a land of horses" stories, but I read a fair few of them anyway, to see if they work out differently to the way I expected. This one fits the bill. Thumbs up!
2069486
Thanks! I'm certainly rooting for the protagonist's idea working; that way they get another whole day, starting fresh, with (some of) the hormones worked out of their system.
2066672
(*shakes head sadly*) Oh, honey. That's … just something writers say. We can't prosecute, because the defense lawyers are always going off on some weird "implicit consent from the act of reading" argument, but we certainly understand, and we're here to make it better.
(*pulls out a plush model of a brain*) Now, show me on the doll where the bad author touched you …
I don't have enough hooves, 2070326 ;~;
2070326 but couldn't we just use date-rape as a come back since the victim was tricked it to read by is alluring description?
lol never seen a girl version of this way of writing and I'm not reading XDbut i bet it was good LAWLS
No sex taboo?! Oh man, this version of Equestria is awesome!
IT CAN'T END LIKE THIS!
I NEED MORE!
FOREVER!
2071962
Okay, now I feel dirty. My self-conception as a Good Pony is taking quite a beating these days.
2077771
I know!
2079204
I certainly hope I've provided a vivid enough Equestria (with no sex taboo!) that it gets other authors' brains going. In the meantime, keep the story going in the vivid tapestry of your mind! 
Well then, someone needs to write a sequel ...
2080154 you what the cure for that is
UM I'm a dude and I still read this am I gay now?
2115812
A deep question indeed. Fortunately, modern technology has developed an excellent test for just such an occasion.
I've polished the Internet just below this line so it will reflect off your screen like a mirror. Stare into it for a while:
Do you now look like George Takei?
Just now got around to actually reading this but
I'm kinda sad I didn't read it earlier
It was way better than I expected
Also, read through the comments, you kept mentioning someone needing to write a sequel. I might try maybe probably.
I mean
I'll fail but it won't hurt to try right?
2182739
Awesome! I'm glad I was able to exceed expectations.
If you're inspired enough by it to continue the story, I'd be honored! It's one of those situations where there's plenty of untapped plot … … um … that is, unused potential … but I know it just won't be high enough on my priority list with all the other pony writing I want to do. Even if you don't end up posting your story, I'd love to see what you come up with!
I read this last week, but wasn't sure what to say. Apologies in advance if I misremember something.
One of the good things about art is that you can mix and match different elements, forms, styles, etc. In my experience, a lot of these experiments fall flat. But now and then, one hits upon a combination that works better than it conceivably should. On that note, I have good news and bad news.
Good news first. The core of the experiment works. Combining monologue storytelling and clop manages to be evocative, because you've made it plausible, in the context of the recording. (That may make it difficult to replicate, because you would have to come up with a different reason for the monologue each time. But where there's a will, there's a way.) The humor is also great. And the backstory, though far-fetched, is funny and quirky enough that I suspended my disbelief, except for, well...
That's the bad news. There are three issues holding this one back. The first is that Shiney's voice feels off. He's a bit too formal. We know he's polite and likeable, but he's also casual... when he's not leading troops, at least. Second, this business of the mare having been male when human. It's been my observation that most dudes who fantasize about becoming mares, want to be lesbians with mares. And I have seen second-person clop where the protagonist is female, and always was. If the mare here had been a woman back on earth, I think it would work better. Third issue is the "moonlit orgy" detail -- somehow, the only part of this that breaks suspension of disbelief (I know that's weird).
Now, suppose you were to write a companion piece, with Cadence seducing a "human" stallion, and you applied what you learned with this one? I say, give it a shot.
2224587
Thank you! As nice as the egoboo of "omg this is great" is, hearing thoughtful criticism is a bigger compliment to the story. It says I could do even better, and that I'm worth taking the time to improve.
"The core of the experiment works" is the big one, really, so I'm glad to hear it.
"Shiney feels too formal" is an interesting criticism. Can you elaborate? Were there specific lines which leapt out at you? For sure, I was writing him with more than a touch of his sister's OCD, although he's much higher-functioning about it. (The story was published mid-Season 3, IMHO before Games Ponies Play established his essential laid-backness. In the wedding episode he's pretty much a cipher, and in Crystal Empire he's too distracted by saving the world.)
Heavily implying a male reader was almost certainly the edgiest decision I made about the story. In hindsight, yeah, it's creating a sticking point that doesn't need to be there. "You are 'you'" is an increasingly difficult circle to square the deeper into it a story gets; I think that establishing up front that "you" is female will make the vast majority of readers mentally detach in the way that most second-person inevitably does, but going into het porn instead of teh lesbians was always going to break that anyway. I think I'm at peace with that, because it gives me at least some excuse to push at comfort zones, but I wouldn't be surprised if it accounts for half the downvotes I've gotten. I'm sure a Cadence x you-stallion sequel would hit a sweet spot if I wanted to write it.
You're the second person to specifically mention the lunar-raising orgy as an immersion dealbreaker. I genuinely don't get that — but I'm sure that what that means is that I've got a blind spot. I'm not wedded to the idea, so I've ninja'd it out.
Finally, you might be interested to hear I've got both a non-mature and a mature (non-clop) story in the editing process, so good news: there's more where this came from!
2226701
The trouble with trying to flesh out a character we haven't seen much of, is that different people have already filled in the blanks differently. So, your rendition may be as valid as any. But to me, the rendition here feels like neither a military man nor a chummy brother type, but a quirky academic. A good critic could tell you exactly why, but an artist like me can only say that's how it feels. I wish I could put my finger on it.
Not original enough?
Simple. To build a civilization, there must be a sufficient number of people with a certain measure of self-control. That's why stories involving "heat" cycles like those of real horses always break immersion for me. If a civilization was torn apart every year, or at least ground to a halt, it would succumb to economic problems, invasion, or apathy (why rebuild something if it could be destroyed again next year?) How much more so if chaos could break out once or twice every day. And if they can't control themselves then, how many other situations could make them lose their minds? See what I'm driving at?
It's not about realism, because we left that behind a long time ago. It's about believability: things must make sense in their own contexts.
2228927
I think I see what you mean. He cheerfully plays Dr. Exposition and Sherclop Holmes — not to mention he's relaxing at home instead of out on duty when the narrator arrives. If my Shiney is a military man, he's a rather odd and academic sort of military man. (I think his intellectualism is justified, given that he's cast the most powerful non-alicorn spell that we've seen in the series, but it's certainly a creative character interpretation.)
> Not original enough?
There was a certain transgressive thrill in writing a second-person clop story for the sheer joy of fucking with the form. (… so to speak.) Second-person fanfic is, let's face it, a cheap literary trick used to make porn more vivid. But worse: It's a self-defeating style. Even well-written stories force thoughts and actions into the reader's head that don't match what they'd do, so in the process of drawing readers into your story as actor instead of audience, you build exactly the detachment you're trying to remove.
So, using the second-person form to make a statement about writing the second-person form is a lot more interesting to me than playing it straight. I'd go so far as to say that it's oddly appropriate that OKS is a first-person story in second-person form, because an underlying theme is "Hey, look what I'm doing here." Masturbation as performance art, hoping that the technique gives people something to think about. I've got nothing against writing porn for porn's sake, but I've got so much else I want to do — and the 2P form is so challenging to begin with — that an unironic 2P story is on the back burner.
> "heat" cycles
I had really hoped I'd lampshaded that enough — Shiney devotes a paragraph to the mechanics of estrus, the society has specific rules and taboos built up around it, and the cosmic energy of being in the presence of a goddess as she moves the moon I'd say qualifies as a special circumstance. That having been said … yeah. On reflection, a "spontaneous orgy breaking out" isn't actually what I was going for. That implies a degree of abandon at odds with the rest of my worldbuilding, and like you said, it's about consistency.
B
2229896
Oops; I knew I had forgotten something. Well, I'm glad to have been helpful.
Wow, that was fantastic, and I absolutely love the world you've made here. I don't suppose we'll be seeing anymore stories taking place in it will we? I mean I would be such a dreadful shame to see all that fabulous world building go to waste, would it not?
Why is it that all the second-person female stories that can be for us pegasisters I've seen so far are clopfics?
Oh well, that was an interesting format of writing it - first person and second person at once!
2501022
Good question! Mostly, I'd say it's because the vast majority of second-person stories are porn to begin with (if the numbers in the Second Person Stories group are any indication), and 2P female is rare in general, so 2P-female-not-porn is right at that threshold.
Glad you liked the format! It was an interesting challenge.
2355667
Oh geez, I totally missed your comment when you posted it. Thanks for the kind words! I don't have direct plans for a sequel, but if you like the ideas, feel free to continue them. (I won't rule out another story in this setting, but I've got plenty on my plate already.)
2503816 Well, it seems like clop or not, 2nd-person female fics are rare here in general, so I was glad to see this one even if clop isn't ordinarily my thing.
And yet I liked this one a lot, so, uh... more 2nd-person female stuff, please?
...Maybe?
2504020
Unfortunately, I have a lot on my plate.
I'll see what I can do!
2505226 Don't worry, there's no rush.
Just the fact that you're even considering it is good for now in my book, take all the time you need.
I really liked this story! I'm actually thinking of writing, if not a sequel then a continuation of the same universe. I have sent some ideas to the author of this story, and maybe we can come up with something.
2812076
Thanks for reading and for the detailed review! Sorry that it didn't work for you, but it's great to hear such thoughtful analysis, and I'm glad that it was engaging despite its flaws. Guess I'll have to write some more clop and give you something less experimental to savor.
A three-way would have broken the whole purpose of the "second-person" narration, but I'll let the idea simmer in the back of my mind — I'm sure there's some other way I can work around to it in the spirit of the original story …
I think this has been said previously, but as the narrative went on, the necessities of the physical situation needed to produce said narrative started to strain my suspension of disbelief. Also, and this is more a problem with me than you, I really need sex-related material to have a little more window-dressing on the explicit terminology in order to maintain my immersion. That said, the story still gets a thumbs-up for rolling right out of the gate with a mind-bending perception shift; nicely done there. Also, this story gave me a craving for Wheat Thins of such magnitude that I actually had to go out and buy some, so you must be doing something right.