The Sparkle of his Eye
Chapter 1: Arrival.
It’s been thirteen years, thirteen long years since Ink Blot, a jet black unicorn stallion with a black mane and a white stripe in the center had lost his sight. He had managed to find an alternate way to see using his other four senses, his hearing, touch and sense of smell were extremely sharp. Those were his back up, his magic had become extremely useful in the past few years, he could see an echo of objects when he sent out a pulse of magic form his horn. He kept his eyes hidden behind a pair of white polarized sunglasses to hide the scars, from the ‘accident.’ He sat on the train that was inbound to the small town of Ponyville, he had moved there to get away from all of his problems in Manehattan.
Ink kept to himself most of the time, he didn’t want to be bothered with the problems of other ponies lives. He could feel the wheels hitting the tracks and hear the pony sitting across from him flip the pages of her magazine. Ink sniffed the air, she smelled of tulips and butterscotch. he sent out a pulse from his horn that outlined the mare in a yellow aura. His magical pulse was invisible to every-pony except for him. The mare looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Can I help you with something?” she asked.
“No. Why?”
“You were looking at me, weren’t you?”
“No. Just staring off into space.” he said in a low tone.
“Well could you please not do that in my direction, it’s a little creepy.” she said in a flat tone.
“Sorry.” he said as he turned his head towards the window. He never told any-pony that he couldn’t see, partially because if he did then he’d be lying. He didn’t want to tell others, he didn’t want their pity, sympathy or special treatment. All he wanted to do was live his life like every-pony else. He felt the brakes engage the wheels and the train come to a stop, Ink got to this hooves and levitated his belongings onto his back. He sent out another pulse and began to walk towards the exit of the train car. He stepped onto the wooden platform of the train station and marched into town.
Okay...made it to Ponyville, all I need to do is keep a low profile. Now to get a layout of the town.
What do you think? 100 meters?
200, just to be thorough. His horn began to glow and the small town’s outline became clear to him, as the pulse moved through the town he noticed several outlines of ponies, each having a different color aura to them. Ink continued to make his way through the town his vision was suddenly clouded by a bright pink glow.
“Hi there!” she yelled. “Ooh, a new pony in town YAY!” she yelled in excitement. Ink’s ears quivered at the amount of volume she was using.
“Hi.” he answered in a low tone.
“Welcome to Ponyville! I’m Pinkie Pie! You can all me Pinkie, all my friends do.” she then let out a gasp. “Do you wanna be friends?” Ink looked at the mare in surprise.
So much for keeping a low profile.
“Um...sure.” he said nervously.
“YAY! See you later!” she said as the oink blob vanished from his ‘sight’.
What.....the.....buck?
Here five minutes and you’re already making friends.
Shut up. he thought to himself as he continued down the path way. He sent out another pulse and saw an object speeding towards him, he quickly ducked at the object flew over his head and landed in a nearby bush. He trotted over to the object and stamped his foot on the ground sending vibrations through the dirt outlining what appeared to be a pegasus mare.
“Ow...my head.” she said as she got to her hooves.
“What’s the matter with you? You could’ve killed me!” he yelled.
“Sorry, I was trying out a new trick and I-”
“Rainbow! How many times have ah told ya to watch where your going?” said a thick southern voice. Ink tapped his hoof again, the voice came from an earth pony mare. “Are you alright there?” she said as she looked at him.
“Yes. You’re friend here missed by by about five inches.” he said as he pointed to the pegasus who was getting to her hooves.
“I said I was sorry.” she said in an annoyed tone.
“Still Rainbow, you almost turned.....what’s yer name?”
“Ink Blot.”
“Right, you almost turned Ink here into a pancake.” she said as he quietly began to walk away from the feuding mares. Ink had no intention of getting a migraine on his first day in the small town. He continued to make his way through the town when he felt something hard hit his side, causing him to fall over onto his side. He sent out another pulse, this time it was a unicorn mare that was holding what looked like a book.
“Sorry about that I, was so busy reading this book that I forgot to look where I was going.”
Okay, I’m the blind one here and these mares seem to run into more things in one day than I do in a year.
“It’s fine. Accident’s happen.” he said as he helped the mare to her hooves. Her outline had a deep purple glow.
“Thanks, my name is Twilight Sparkle.” she said as she put her hoof out.
“Ink Blot.” he said as he shook her outstretched hoof.
“Nice to meet you Ink.” she said with a smile. He turned around to hear two familiar voices.
“There he is.” the pegasus said. “Hey where’d you go?”
“I continued walking.”
“Ya could have at least told us that instead of pulling a disappearing act.” the southerner said.
“You two seemed to be having a conversation and I didn’t want to interrupt.” he said in a sarcastic voice.
“You two know him?” Twilight said as she raised an eyebrow.
“We just bumped into him.” Rainbow said.
“Well...almost crashed into is more accurate.” he said as he looked at the mare. Rainbow stuck her tongue out at him.
“Rainbow, how many times have we-” she started.
“Yeah yeah, AJ already gave me the rant.” Ink was quickly becoming annoyed with the mares. “So why did you run off on us anyway?”
“Ugh, look I’m trying to find where Vinyl Scratch lives. Do any of you know where that is?” he said with a grumble.
“You know Vinyl?” Rainbow asked.
“Yeah we’re old friends, she’s letting me crash at her place until the rest of my stuff get’s here.”
“I know where she is. I was heading in that direction anyway.” she said with a smile.
“Okay then, lead the way.”
“I’ll see you girls later.” she said as she waved goodbye to the mares.The dark stallion followed the purple outline through the street’s of Ponyville. “So Ink, what do you do?”
“I’m an artist.”
“Really? That’s interesting, what kind of art do you do?”
“All kinds; sculpting, painting, drawing that sort of stuff. What about you?”
“I run the library.” she said with a smile.
Oh great. Just what I need, a book.
“That must get boring.”
“No, I really enjoy learning. What about you?”
“I’m not much of a reader.” he said in a low tone. Twilight stopped in front of a large house.
“Well here you go. I’d go up to chat but I’ve got some errands to run.”
“Thanks Twilight.”
“No problem and feel free to stop by the library any time.” she said with a smile. The mare continued along her way leaving Ink at the front door of the house. He could hear a steady rhythm of dubsteb could be heard from inside. The unicorn trotted up to the door and gave it a loud knock. Ten seconds later it opened to reveal a white unicorn mare with an electric blue mane and a pair of purple shades propped above her horn.
“INK!” she yelled as she wrapped him in a hug. “Bout time you got here!” she teased.
“Sorry I was met with a few.....distractions.” he said as he stepped inside.
“Was one of them a pony named Pinkie?” he nodded. “Figured.”
“Plus I almost got smashed by some crazy pegasus mare.”
“Rainbow Dash?”
“Yep.”
“Have any difficulty finding the place?”
“No, a mare named Twilight showed me the way.”
“Oh yeah Twilight is so nice. Does she know about-”
“No, no one does except for you and I would like to keep it that way if you don’t mind.”
“Okay...I understand. How are your eyes anyway?”
“Same as ever.”
“And that spell is working?”
“Better than ever, I can now see farther than 300 meters if I concentrate.” he said with smile.
“Not to bad for a blind pony.” she teased.
“That hurts.” he said in a playful tone. “So hows the music business going? I’ve bought a few of your albums.”
“Awwe, thanks. It’s going great. How’s your art coming along?”
“It’s getting there. Thanks again for letting me stay here while my house is finished up.”
“No problem. What are you putting in anyway?” she asked as she sat down on the couch.
“Sound proof room.”
“.......Oh, for a studio right?”
“Bingo, you know me so well.” he said with a smile. “So you’re roommate doesn’t mind me crashing on the couch?”
“Nah, she’s actually away in Canterlot at a gig.”
“She’s in the music business too?”
“Yeah, she plays the cello for the Canterlot symphony.”
“That’s cool, I’m not much for classical stuff though.” he said as he sat down next to the mare. “I’ll be out of here in three days at the least.”
“Stay as long as you want, it’s no trouble.” she said with a smile.
“Thanks Vi, you’re the best.”
“I know. How about I give you a tour around town?”
“Sure why not.” he said as he got to his hooves.
“Awesome!” she said as they walked out the door and back onto the busy street. They began to reminisce about the old days. “Remember Professor Note?”
“Oh man, that stallion was hilarious!” he said as he let out a laugh. He felt small shiver run down his spine. “Yes Rainbow?” he said as he looked up towards a cloud. The cyan mare’s head popped out of the cloud in surprise, she flew to the ground in front of the two unicorns.
“How did you know it was me?”
“I have a sense that tells me when a crash test dummy is nearby.” he said with a smirk. Rainbow glared at him in surprise.
“Watch it pal!” she said as she raised a hoof.
“Oh we’re pals now?” he said with a smile.
“Whatever, any pony that’s able to dodge me while I’m at full speed has got my respect.” the cyan outline said with a smile. “I still don’t see how you were able to dodge me.”
“I saw you coming and I reacted.”
“You must have really good eyesight.” Ink narrowed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh.
“Yeah something like that.” Vinyl had a nervous look on her face. “So do you need something?”
“Just wanted to chat.” she said as she began to walk with the two unicorns.
“Okay about what?”
“Well how do you know Vinyl?”
“We go way back. We went to the same school in Manehattan when we were foals.” she said with a smile.
“Manehattan huh? So why did you come here?”
“I never really liked the big city, I always felt more at home in small towns. They’re a lot less noisy.” he said with a smile.
“So what do you do?”
“I’m an artist.”
“Really? So you paint?”
“I paint, sculpt, draw, almost anything.” Rainbow looked at him in surprise.
“Hey you should draw me, I am one of a kind after all.” she said with a cocky tone. Ink shook his head and let out a small laugh.
“Maybe, once my house is finished and I set up my studio.” he said with a smile.
“Awesome! Just make sure you don’t screw it up.” she said in a playful tone. Ink rolled his eyes at the comment.
“Eh, I’ve seen better.” he teased. He looked over to a bush and raised an eyebrow. “Need something Pinkie?” the others looked over to the bush to see a bright pink mare pop her head out of the bush.
“Awe, how did you know it was me?”
“I could hear you giggling to yourself.” he said as he pointed to his ears.
“You must be really good at hide and seek!”
“I guess so.” he shrugged. “How much did you hear?”
“Oh I heard everything. So you’re really an artist?”
“Yes.”
“Can you show us something?” Pinkie asked with a smile.
“Well..I-”
“Awe come on Inky, Please?” Vinyl said as she made a pouting face.
“Ugh! Vinyl how many times have I told you not to call me that!” he said in an annoyed tone.
“Around 275 times, but who’s counting?”
“Fine.” he breathed out. Ink summoned a sketch pad and began to draw. “Hold still.” the pencil began to move rapidly. He turned the piece of paper over to reveal a black and white portrait of the three mares standing there. Their jaws dropped at the spectacle.
“WOW That is so awesome!” Rainbow yelled.
“Nice to see you haven’t lost your touch.” Vinyl said with a nod.
“That’s super duper cool!” Pinkie said with a smile.
“Thanks, but I’m still rusty.” he said as he made duplicates of the pictures and handed them to the mares. “I’ll hold onto the original but you guys can have the copies.” the mares smiled in delight as he made the original vanish.
“Sweet! I gotta go bye!” Pinkie said as she took the picture and trotted away.
“Thanks Ink. I’ll see ya later.” Rainbow said as she zoomed away from the unicorns.
“Are they always like that?”
“Oh yeah, you’ll get used to them. On with the tour!” she said as she led them to another shop. As they stepped inside Ink immediately cringed back and began to cough. “What’s wrong?”
“Celestia almighty! What is that smell?” he said as he held his snout.
“What? It’s perfume.” Vinyl said as she sniffed the air.
“Well who ever own this joint should tone it down a little.” he said as he stepped back into the shop. He heard hoof steps coming towards them.
“Welcome to Carousel Boutique how can I-....Oh Vinyl! Darling it’s been ages.”
“Hey Rarity how’s it going?”
“Good, what brings you here?”
“Just showing my friend around Ponyville.” she said as she put an arm over the stallions neck. Ink tapped the floor and got another outline. He nodded at the mare who returned the gesture.
“Nice to meet you sir, I am Rarity.” something clicked in the back of Ink’s mind
“Rarity?....I’ve heard that name before.”
“Really?”
“Yeah one of my client’s mentioned that name.....Do you know a Fancy Pants?” Rarities eyes boggled.
“You know Fancy?”
“Yeah. I’m Ink Blot by the way.” he said with a smile.
“Nice to meet you. What did you mean by he was a client of yours?”
“Oh I did his and his wife’s self portrait.”
“You’re a painter! How delightful.” she said with a smile.
“Just an artist in general.” he said in a bashful tone. Rarity looked at the clock and let out a small squeal.
“I’d love to stay and chat but I simply must get this order filled.” she said with a worried tone in her voice.
“That’s fine. Goodbye.” Vinyl said as the two unicorns trotted out of the shop. “Looks like it’s getting late, wanna grab a bite at Sugar Cube Corner?”
“Sure.” he said as they made their way through Ponyville. They arrived at the bakery and Ink stopped. Vinyl looked back at him in surprise.
“What’s up?”
“Why are there around twenty ponies in there?”
“Ugh! Buzz-killer. It’s a party for you, Pinkie throws one for all the new ponies that come here.”
“Is it going to be loud?”
“Yeah.” Ink summoned a pair of headphones and placed them over his ears. “You still use those things?”
“I’m already blind Vi. I don’t want to be deaf.” he said as they walked inside. The light’s turned on and the ponies jumped to their hooves.
“SURPRISE!” they yelled. Ink saw many different colored outlines smiling at him. A bright pink one suddenly popped up in front of him.
“Well how does it look?”
“Looks great.” he said with a weak smile.
“YAY!” she said before she disappeared again. Ink made his way over to a familiar cyan and purple outline. The ponies began to talk while Ink listened, he then felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked over to see Twilight staring at him.
“You know it’s kind of rude to be listening to music while we’re talking to you.”
“I’m not listening to music.”
“Then why are you wearing these.” Twilight asked as she took them off his ears.
“NO DON’T-” the wave of sound beat against his ears. He instantly put his hooves over his hears trying to muffle the sound. He dropped his head on the table in pain.
“INK! You okay?” Rainbow asked.
“Just...give those back!”Twilight handed the headphones to him and he quickly slipped them on. He let out a sigh as the sounds began to fade. “Don’t do that!”
“What was that about?” Rainbow asked.
“I have really sensitive hearing, these help ‘lower the volume’ so to speak.” he said as he pointed to the headphones. “I only use them when I’m in a loud place.”
“Oh...I’m so sorry I didn’t know.” Twilight said with a sad look on her face.
“It’s fine.” he said as his ‘vision’ returned.
“So...Rainbow tells me your an artist.” she said as she tried to change the subject.
“Yeah.”
“That’s neat, what kind of art?”
“Drawings, sculpting, painting stuff like that.”
“Cool. Can we see something?”
“Um...sure hang on a second.” his horn glowed and a small bag appeared. He pulled out a small wad of white clay and he began to shape it with his magic. A small model of a pony was forged in a matter of seconds. “Ta da.”
“Amazing.” Twilight said as she looked at the figurine.
“Eh...I’ve seen better.” Rainbow said with a smug grin.
“Rainbow I only accept constructive criticism.”
“I’m just saying you could do something bigger.” she said as she floated above him.
“Oh..Bigger, I can do that.” he suddenly pulled out a much bigger wad of clay and formed it into a ball. “Think fast!” he said as he threw the wad at the pegasus, Ink’s horn ignited and the clay turned into a small cage that stuck the pegasus to the wall.
“What the heck!?” she said.
“I call this piece ‘Capturing the Rainbow’ has a nice ring to it.” he said with a smug grin. Twilight let out a small giggle at the joke.
“Let me out!” she said as she tried to hit the clay bars. Ink’s horn began to glow and the clay began to retreat from the pegasus. Ink placed it back inside the bag and teleported it out of the building.
“Still have any comments?”
“Sorry.”she said in a defeated tone and went to go get a drink.
“How did you do that?” Twilight asked.
“Just a trick I made up.” Rainbow stuck her tongue out at him behind his back. “Sticking your tongue out at some-pony is very rude Dash.” the ponies looked at him in surprise.
“How did you see that?” Rainbow asked as she walked over to them.
“I developed a spell that allows me to see 360 degrees.”
“How does that work?” Twilight asked.
“I send out a pulse of magic from my horn that bounces off hard surfaces, when it comes back I get a mental image.”
“So you have eyes in the back of your head?” Applejack asked.
“Pretty much yeah.”
“Why do you need a spell like that?” Twilight asked. Ink bit his lower lip.
“Well, I grew up in Manehattan so I always had to be careful. It was a way to see if any-pony was following me or who would try to mug me.” he said in a flat tone. “I’d better get going, I’ll see you guys around.” he said as he got to his hooves and walked towards the exit, Vinyl soon caught up to him and the two left together.
“He seems nice.” Pinkie said with a smile.
“I don’t know....he’s hiding something.” Rainbow said as she narrowed her eyes.
“Calm down Rainbow. He seems really interesting, I’d love to learn that spell he uses.” Twilight chimed in.
“I still think that he’s hiding something and I’m gonna find out what it is!” she said as she raised her hoof.
“Whatever Rainbow.” Applejack said as she rolled her eyes.
Back at Vinyls house the two unicorns made their way inside, Vinyl threw on the light switch and made her way upstairs.
“I’m just gonna take a quick shower.”
“Okay, third door on the left.” she said as she trotted into her room. Ink made his way into the shower and turned on the hot water. He removed his glasses and sat inside, allowing the warm water to wash over him. He ‘looked’ down at the floor and some blood splattered on the floor, his tears were dark red. The stallion turned off the water and threw his glasses on. Ink made his way down stairs and positioned himself on the couch. He summoned his ear phones and turned them up to the ‘mute’ option. He laid down and began to sleep.
That was a lot of dialogue.
Have a
cupcakemoustacheWell, Silent, I will say this. You have a nak at making me read your stories.
Have some moustaches.
2034077Thank you.
2033760 Yeah I'll try and tone it down in the future.
Feelings of sinister history/memories and shenanigans building...
This should be good
Huh, reading the description, I was expecting another crappy romance.
The protagonist is blind though? I suddenly feel for the poor guy. Wonder where all these dislikes came from... I'll have to give this a read.
*ahem* review time again.
Let's see, a blind pony result of an accident (not bad)
He's an artist(*high voice* cliche)
Uses magic to see(how bat like, or daredevil like, or maybe Toph like?)
Doesn't want ponies to know he's blind, doesn't want pity or sympathy(I respect that.)
Another pattern I'm noticing is that your OCs have two voices in their heads.(even the sane ones)
Nice to know he has a sense of irony.
Cries blood(that sounds awsome, dont make him emo.)
So far this is a good story, cant wait to see what happens next.(get it? see? its funny cause he's blind, (not in a disrespectful way))
2034961 He's kind of a fusion of the three, Even sane people talk to them selves...righ?
He is going to become more depressing as the story unfolds and his past is revealed I'm currently working ona dream/flashback.
As I mentioned before, don't go emo. This story reminds me of another O.C x Twilight where a pony suffered an accident that left an injury, your not gonna have Twilight fix his eyes are you?(just wondering) not saying you can't.
2035836 Relax she's not going to fix them, I'll explain but he has a traumatic past which involves Vinyl, but he's not a total badass like Echo.
Hahaha I now see what you do...you take a pony's aspect and completely reverse it and give the mirrored quality to the OC so that's AJ, Vinyl, Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy and now Twilight, who's next? You totally took my mane style
2035909 'Mane style' (Enter drum beat and symbols here) Puns.
Who's Echo?
2036759 He's my O.C. in my other Twi x O.C. fic
Haven't read it yet(trying not to read too many of your stories all at once)
2037169 Oh well.....he's a badass. Unlike Ink.
2037178
So does that make Ink a pussy?
2037190 Not entirely he is sheduled to kick some ass, just not as much as Echo.
2037444
I imagine him being all ninja like and shit.
Interesting and I'm surprised that Pinkie didn't notice that his name sounds like her sisters name.
This story doesn't immediately turn me off from reading it, and apparently, you have quite a career writing stories on FiMFiction. I congratulate you on that. I'll use a sort-of grading sheet to evaluate your story. It'll hopefully help show you what you're doing right, and where you can use some better improvements.
Grammar (First 500 words) [1/5: Mistakes distract VERY OFTEN from the story]
Not the worst I've seen out in the wide collection that is FiMFiction, but not necessarily top-grade perfect material. In this sentence, know when to end your sentences instead of continuing with a comma. What would have been better was if you broke this sentence up into two, using a period at the end of "years" and taking out the comma. Also, "back up" is spelled "backup".
Two, "everypony" is simply one word. No dashes.
Another one, quite a common one I'm seeing nowadays, are tense issues. If you begin in the past, stay in the past. If you begin in the present, stay in the present. It's really that simple, you just need to check your verbs. Also, the same sentence needs a "When" at the beginning.
Once again, some missing words. Either add a "when" or "until" after "town".
I'm not sure what country you live in, but in the US, instead of saying "amount of volume", you could easily replace it with "high volume" or "loud volume".
Yikes. First 500 words and already there goes the grammar. I didn't count the last one, since it seems more opinionated to me.
Characters [OCs: 1/5: OC characters have VERY LITTLE development.] [Canon: 4/5: Canon characters are rarely out-of-character.]
I'll begin with the Mane 6. Would Fluttershy really act so rudely to someone she hasn't known? Maybe if you added some stammers, or some quiet whimpering you could pull it off, but her dialogue with Ink Blot is really OOC.
The rest of the Mane 6 does fine, except for one thing that I'll address during your character.
Now, Ink Blot is an... interesting character. However, I see two major flaws: Gary Stu and character backstory.
He can see past 300m with his invisible, undetectable sensing spell? He has superpony hearing, touch, and sense of smell? He is an amazing artist in both sketching, drawing, sculpting, painting? He can slow down time because recreating drawings, sculpting within seconds, and dodging somepony who broke the light spectrum is too much of a consuiendence to be possible? Everypony miracously likes/loves him despite him being arrogant, sarcastic, pessimistic, and terribly charismatic (since he simply replies the same few lines with ALL of the Mane 6, and still manages to charm them by being an "artist")? He can turn Twilight Sparkle against her friends after Rainbow becomes trapped in a seemingly-unbreakable clay cage, despite she only knew the stranger for a few hours?
I think you get the point. As they say in the roleplaying world, your character is OP.
He has every single quality of a Gary Stu. Sure, he's blind. But damn, with all those positives, hell, I'd almost want to be blind if I'd get all those! He has too many good qualities, and not enough fears, weaknesses, no scarred memories or traumatized moments as a child. In a nutshell, he's too perfect. And thus, he's unrealistic, and uninteresting. Speaking about childhood, that brings us to our next flaw.
Alright, let's see here. His backstory is that he had to watch over his back during his stay in Manehattan because of massive crime. Not too bad actually. It's not too over-dramatic, and not too plain either. Only problem is, you don't take very good advantage of it except for Twilight's pity. You don't change his behavior much besides the fact he keeps to himself. You don't give him any fears such as being paranoid of other ponies intentions, you don't give explanations to his sarcastic and pessimistic behavior, you don't give him any quirks or special traits due to his backstory, and in the end, you don't make a very memorable or powerful character. Except, of course, the "bleeding tears".
In my perspective, you simply just threw a random backstory in there, with no relevance or connect to your specific character or plot, and then just tossed it out like a used tissue. Show, don't tell. All you did was "Oh, I grew up in Manehatten as a poor little orphan foal, scared and terrified for my life as I had to scourge for food in the dirt and the filth just to ease the pain in my stomach a little. I had no family or anypony to care and to love me, to wipe the tears when I felt sad, to toss me in the air and spin me in dizzy circles when I wanted to play, and to offer a warm shoulder to cuddle in and sleep when I felt tired. Instead, I got thrown in a dump for a town, where I had to learn where emotions, joy, and love were useless. That they were only weaknesses, and would only get me killed. I was forced to suck up my tears, lock away all of my pain, my emotions, my happiness deep within the depths of my soul, and take on all of the stress, the killing, and the crime that could have easily scarred anypony else for life. But does it affect me? Meh. Just gave me a sarcastic behavior, blindness and some bloody tears. No problem."
Do you now see how important backstory is to a character? Every action your character does has a good explanation why. You can't simply say "it seems logical." Why does it seem logical to your character? Was he educated in the fine arts? Does he have a lot of street smarts? Something that seems logical to a robber may not seem logical to an accountant. It is your job as a reader to show this. Simply stating your character's past once casually in a conversation WILL NOT DO IT! You need to reveal, or give hints to the backstory ALWAYS through your character's actions. Essentially, your backstory needs to be the backbone of EVERYTHING YOUR CHARACTER DOES! It's a three-step process. Here's something I quoted from one of my PMs to another pony with the exact same problem.
Looking at your character, his backstory DOES NOT match up with his thinking, nor his actions. You could argue that the rough and tough nature of Manehatten shaped him into being so pessimistic and arrogant, but that's boring. We want to see him be weak! We want to see his fears, and him facing those fears! If you don't give your character a "I don't give a fuck about anything" attitude, that's exactly how the reader's going to feel about your story.
The path to creating an interesting character is through the backstory. The more you reveal your character's backstory, the more you reveal about your character's thinking, and the more you explain why the character does what he does. When your reader understands why your character does what he does, you strike a familar connection with him, and thus, capture his attention. Your character does not do this.
I really can't stress how much a backstory really is, even though I gave it my best shot in this review. I would review the conflictless plot, or the actionless dialogue, but I'm really stuck here, at your character. Why should I care what's happening to the character if he doesn't give a fuck either?
If you require help in making Ink Blot a better, three dimentional character, either find an editor, or send me a PM. I'm pretty erratic when it comes to replying to messages, but I will do Sim my best to help those who want to learn.
Overall, even though it did kill a few minutes, I didn't really enjoy reading this story. The grammar mistakes were very distracting, your character wasn't very likable, too perfect, had a waste of a backstory, not to mention not taking advantage of the emotional toll of his blindness, and in the long run, uninteresting.
I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Summary: [6/15] 40%
Grammar: [1/5]
Character (OCs): [1/5]
Character (Canon): [4/5]
2044802 I appreciate the feed back and trust me, Ink's past is NOT pretty. I'm still writing chapter two which will dive deeper in his back story and relationship with Vinyl. There is ONE significant down side to his vision spell, I will touch base on this later. I will do the same with how he paints. Grammar has always been a struggling point for me and since I have no proof reader I have to manage what I can on my own. I realize that my O.C.'s are typicaly like you described. As for the character personalities....I can't really pin point on them. I understand that I made Fluttershy seem a bit more suspicious than she usually is a bit out of character I understand. Ink does have many fears, he just hides them from view. They will re-surface in later chapters and will continue until the final climax.
Thanks for the luck, I'll need it.
2045319 Just remember, show, don't tell. I'd really hate to see Ink simply get into another conversation with Twilight and just spill his entire backstory. Or if the narration does it, that wouldn't be very well done. Show the effects of your character's backstory through his actions and behaviors (which was simply the entire idea of the huge wall of text above) and everything else will fall in place.
If you need a proofreader, may I suggest Overly-Extensive Writers? They're quite a good group if you need an obsessive and a keen eye for editing. I recommend you'd check them out.
2045422 Thanks for the group link. I don't plan on spilling everything in one go.
2045319 I'm guessing the backlash on the spell is you go blind?
Vi? Am I the only one to get the League of Legends reference ?!
2804490 Kufufufufu~ I got it too Cupcake. Kufufufufu~
F1utt3rShI~
(Daemon Spade)
(1) you do know that that means the train wasn't on the tracks. . . right? Unless you meant the brakes forcing to slow down the train.
(2) not really, even if the magic itself is indeed invisible, the horn on his head will light up and let everyone who looks at him know that he is casting magic.
(?) this one is out of curiosity, does Ink Blot know that the mare is raising an eyebrow?
(1) how can someone be partially blind? Or tell a partial lie for that matter? I'm going to paraphrase this scenario a little "Damian is partially mute, he can only say the words asparagus and pumpernickel" either he is blind (his eyes don't work) or he's using his other senses to compensate for the lack of eyesight, either way, if he tells someone "hey I can't see, but I use my magic to perceive where things are" doesn't mean he's lying, he just adapted.
(2) it's written anypony. No need for a hyphen.
(1) the word vision, even by itself means that Ink Blot can see, better correct it.
(1) not even Pinkie Pie would yell at someone she's meeting upfront, she would exclaim, yes, but not yell. And before anyone says "well, they're the same!" Here's the difference. After reading the difference (and taking into consideration Pinkie's spontaneous nature) she exclaims more than she yells.
Yell: loud and sharp cry, either in pain, surprise or delight
Exclaim: cry out suddenly, especially in anger, surprise or pain.
(2) since Ink Blot is blind, his other remaining senses are more acute, so why does his ears quiver at the loud noise instead of, I don't know, laying flat against his head so not a lot of noise enters them?
(1) the word saw Implies that Ink Blot can see, the word you're looking for is perceived.
(2) the word landed implies that the pegasus landed on her feet/hooves, the most accurate word would be crashed.
(3) why does Ink Blot need to stomp his hoof when he can use magic instead? And even if he used the vibrations caused by the stomp, the image he would get woulnpd only show the shape/form of the pegasus, not the gender.
(4) how can someone who's blind tell the difference between a effeminate/petite male pegasus and a manly/muscular female pegasus?
(1) an exclamation mark is missing here
(2) I doubt that an impact which Rainbow Dash managed to survive without any injuries, would've killed him
(1) Ink never tapped his hoof before, he stomped it, remember?
(2) would Ink Blot be able to tell the difference between Braeburn and AJ? Both have the same physical and muscular and development.
(1) how does Ink blot know that AJ and Rainbow Dash are friends? This is the first time he met them both.
(2) unnecessary repetition
(3) you do know that the concept of distance depends on eyesight right? How can Ink Blot know with so much precision how close was RD before she almost slammed against him?
(1) I had no idea that Applejack and Rainbow Dash were hostile to each other, key word: feud (which means: state of prolonged mutual hostility, normally between to families)
(2) I am surprised that Ink Blot can move without constantly checking if there's someone or something in front of him, I mean, the accident regarding RD and getting hit by a book could've been prevented if he constantly kept checking his surroundings. Another point is, since when does bumping and hitting are the same? Twilight accidentally bumped into Ink Blot, if she would've hit him with a book (which I doubt she'd do) that action would've required active hostility towards him, or you know, an accident.
(3) proves that Ink Blot was moving deeper into town blindly
(4) how can he tell the difference between, ah never mind, he's just using fanfic powers and let's leave it at that.
(1) mainly because you don't care enough in order to keep a constant check in your surroundings, Ink Blot, don't blame them for your incompetence.
(1) if Ink Blot could've been killed by getting hit and crashing against a hedge, how if he fine by getting hit by a book and falling, fine?
(2) Accident’s require intent, it was never eithers intention for this to happen
(3) according to what you wrote, it was Ink Blot who fell, not Twilight.
(1) in other words, Ink Blot managed to dodge a rainboom, and RD managed to survive that impact without obliterating a hedge.
(1) I find it dishonest of your part if you state that Ink Blot managed to draw something without saying how much time it took for him to finish, and even if he did managed to draw it quickly, how precise can Ink Blot draw if you don't tell us how detailed the drawing is? That's intellectually dishonest of you.
(1) headphones don't block the noise from the outside, unless they are sound proof headphones, and even if the worked, wouldn't it be better to use earplugs? More discrete and just as effective.
(1) she yelled
(2) the word tried means either "wasn't successful" or "she never managed to hit". Besides, remember that clay, even hardened clay, isn't a sturdy material, but then again: Magic
(3) the word your looking for is surrounding, unless the clay physically restricted RD's movements by binding her. Insert tentacle porn here.
(1) Twilight doesn't know how a simple telekinesis spell works?
(1) seeing and perceiving are completely different. And again, the word see means that Ink Blot isn't blind, another point is that it requires to be casted constantly, never stopping or you will not be able to perceive your surroundings. Like when Ink Blot bumped into Twilight and how RD almost crashed into him.
(1) so he cried coagulated blood, that implies that, inside his skull, there's pressure surrounding his tear ducts, which in turn put pressure on his eyes, which are very susceptible to pressure. If the pressure increases enough, his entire eyeball will be popped out of its socket thanks to the internal pressure.
(2) "I threw the car and got in" does that makes sense to you? He grabbed his headphones and then, the put them on
(3) when did Ink Blot went up the stairs?
(4) that implies he hasn't touched the couch, let alone laid in the couch.
37 inconsistencies in your story, I am not going to read it further, not until it has been checked by someone who knows how to write stories that make sense when it comes to making sense.