Octavia is going broke. With not many high paying jobs this time of year she opts for a roommate. And this particular dubstep loving unicorn will turn her world upside down.
My second multi-chapter fic. Tell me what you think. Teen rating is more for stuff being said, but if something does come up I will mention it at the beginning of the chapter.
Edited and proofread by MIKEANTHONY321. Thanks for the help
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chapter is to short, its hard to get a feeling for this story but it looks like it can be a good one.
Interesting..
Continue..
me gusta
2120368>>2121302
I'll try to continue it as soon as possible. The next chapter will be longer than this one also
Pretty short, but I am really liking this. Not sure if this will be a really light-hearted story without serious consequences for the characters, but it seems like it thus far. I like those kinds of stories ^^ A few spelling mistakes here and there, but all in all a good start to a 100 000 words long story
hmmm, bit short, but i think it would be good
2122663
Seriously though I'm making it up as I go along. But nothing too bad will happen to the characters...probably.
No serious consequences huh?
2122862
Longer chapter soon, I'm working on the next chapter for this story. And a new chapter for my other two stories, But it will be soon
I'll keep an eye on this, but I would like to point one thing out. You forgot to italicize your thoughts, thus making them hard to separate from the main text.
2123402
I have sent this chapter to a proofreader (All new ones will be proofread before posting.). And I will repost it with the thought in italics.
2124020
Again, just the prologue. New chapter will be longer
2123402
The italics have been added
2127043
Vinyl you are my hero
good so far i cant what to see where this gos
Good start, MOAR
please.
2137682
I felt is a little to rushed, but the next chapter will not have to have time changes
The thumbnail made me just amused to read it. (really? who wouldn't want to see Vinyl chew on Octavia?)
2139329
That just HAS to happen in one of the chapters! You have given me an idea...
2139342
Perfect!
That should literally be Vinyl's catchphrase, roflmao.
Interesting read. The story itself is solid, but there are some things that have stood out to me. First off is the pacing. I would definitely recommend adding more to each of your chapters. Description is free, and I recommend using it generously, albeit not too generously.
Another thing is the description itself, or showing and not telling. The story is already told in an omniscient perspective, which is fine, but I would advise you to appeal to the senses more. Tell us more what the characters feel and see as opposed to what is. It's very important to allow your characters to feel; it will better attach the reader to your story.
Those are the two major things I noticed. Other things are syntax errors that will be ironed out with more writing practice. For example:
should be
Otherwise, I look forward to more. Sorry I can't go more in depth but I simply don't have the time right now.
Keep it up!
I downloaded and faved after seeing the author (really... EVERYWHERE!) Please, do not dissapoint. (Though in reality, unless you have a lot of really obvious errors, it should be fine givin that I'm extraordinarily partial to 'TaviScratch' fanfics)
Edit:
Having now read it... WHERE'S THE BUCKING UPDATE?!?!?!?!
In the HTML file this sentence is written like this: <i>I did the only rational thing. Vinyl ran from the apartment like Nightmare Moon herself was flying after her.<i>
It should be like this: <i>I did the only rational thing. Vinyl ran from the apartment like Nightmare Moon herself was flying after her.</i>
Because ther isn't a "/" in there the italics are never closed and the text stays in italics.
Other than that, I'm curious how the interview will work out. I can probably predict the outcome, but I'd like to see how Vinyl act.
Do continue.
hmm you have got my attention keep it up
Oh this has great potential.
Nice when do you think the next chapter will be up
2206508
Then don't read HTML
don't rush things mate,taking time makes for better stories...sometimes
Update?!?! /;-|)
who...the BUCK...DISLIKED THIS EPIC STORY!?!?!?!?!?
sorry for that but really? confusion makes me angry
Good work dude I really like the chapter and I know it's a bit to late for a comment by now but I had to say it
I love this stuff! I feel like you nailed Vinyls and Octavias personalities.
This was awesome! I hope to see more sometime in the future