My dick maybe large, but really only in your heads. I'm quite the average guy, from day to day life, I seek answers only to get more questions. And yes, I am that guy who fucks mothers.
Orange Swirl had had a rough life. Swirl grew up in the ghettos of Manehatten, and has always dreamed of making his mark on the world. He was some colt with a silly dream, and now as an adult, he finds his hopes of making that mark crushed by bigger ponies. Swirl's life is at a stand still, and it looks like nothing is going to change.
Page generated in 0.085 seconds
Total duration
996 users online
44,649 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
hmmmmm
Its ok. Still kinda seems to be rippin' off Spectra in some aspects, but I dont blame ya.
I give you permission to use Spectra by the way, but that would probly fuck up the story with Swirl and Spectra being a lot alike. Ah well.
Anyway, good chapter, seems like a good story you've plotted out, keep going and it should be great.
2112620 Again, it's gonna be a different character, and a different story. I'm not gonna have much romance going on in it, more flings than anything. Plus this is a story about me basically. It's my self insert and I'm adapting a lot of aspects from my life into it. I'll go back over your story just to make sure i am not going to rip off a lot of it. Like I said, I also created this story like back on January 23rd. I had the characters set up for what i wanted them to be. Just know that the original chapters played out a little differently. Either way, I base a lot of my characters off people I know personally. If you want go ahead and include Swirl in some of Spectra's stories i don't mind, after all the dude went to the University of Manehatten when he started smoking. Spectra could have been Swirl's dealer, if you want to make stories about Spectra's past. Anyway you look at it, I give you permission just please don't forget to mention my name for the character, that would be a little rude. Also send me a copy, I haven't read many of your things lately, except your story with Spectra.
2112701
if I make a chapter about Spectra's past, I'll include Swirl, sure. =D
All of my happy
2186589 Welcome
Here's my review of your story.
My initial reaction was mixed. The characterization side of the story was strong, but the supporting aspects were weak. It needs more love/
Criticism sledgehammer inbound!
You urgently need to go back through your story and proofread it. You use commas to write direct addresses, Prince Solstice. Secondly, double space between your paragraphs. Failure to do so creates an ugly block of text, which is not only more difficult to read, but less appealing to look at.
I think that you might need the Alternate Universe tag for this story. You've got radio, marijuana, and close to all the trappings of twenty-first century America.
If there's one thing I find particularly weak in this story, then it has to be the totally flaccid narrate. There is no discernable conflict at all in this story. Since you seem to be trying to go for telling it all as a flashback, then the first thing that lets it down is the hook. Beginning in media rerum combined with telling about how a character got there can work, but there needs to be an initial draw to it. There isn't any excitement to watching a guy get stoned and drone on about his life. The second chapter fails to add any additional excitement. There's nothing at stake. We know what the end results will be. You have already clued us in that the tale will probably be rather uneventful. There is no conflict in the present and you have already told us the result ofany conflicts in the past. The audience lacks a reason to care and read because you spoiled your own story. Your slice of life is too much letting the camera roll on daily life without editing out the mountains of filler that naturally happens with such things. Another issue is how you do your characterization. Far too much of it is stated instead of shown. Boring! Need I say more?
Things you did well,
The atmosphere and tone are both established extremely effectively. I feel as if I am reading something from a disillusioned youth whose life has not gone according to plan. These both seem to be your strong points in everything your write.
Your characterization is effective. The methods are not ideal, but it is doubtlessly effective. I do not wonder at all about who Orange Swirl is or what his personality is life. You managed to establish all your characters very quickly with relatively few words. Do be advised that this method better lends itself to oneshots and shorts. Longer stories like the one you have planned here will very quickly become stale because static characters are often extremely boring to watch in slice of life situations.
Everything else was functional. If I didn't mention something, then assume that it's okay. My opinion of this fic is a slightly phlegmatic meh. The idea of a self-insert living a mediocre normal life is interesting enough to warrant reading, but the execution is subpar. I can only give you 2/5 flutteryays.
2300475 Thank you for yet another helpful review on this story. I am having a real problem executing a plot to this story, mainly because there is a lack of depth to what is going to happen. Yes, it is the boring mediocre life of a pony named Orange Swirl, and if I could I would love to rewrite this as an actual story of mine, rather than another lame ass self insert pony O.C. Fan fiction is best served with the characters from the show, and overall this story would be better served otherwise. It's not really supposed to seem like America, but being a college student in America kind of makes it hard to avoid some aspects. Especially since it includes some more modern aspects of the human civilization. The flashback chapters are really only happening to further the psyche of Swirl. I put a lot of effort into mixing in symbolism with the scenery, and yeah my forte is really one-shot writing. I've edited the first chapter probably twenty times over, and the second chapter was not too far behind (not to mention every person that offers me help I tell them to look this story over). Every chapter is supposed to be sort of a story within itself. Perhaps this story is a little too much of 'our world' for the brony fandom, considering it's really playing close to the slice of life tag. I may go back and edit the original description, but as I've written in a set of my own rules, there needs to be something that the reader is rooting for the main character. I think really the point of the first two chapters is to set up basically two different characters and put them in similar situations, but have different reactions and actions. I can set up a story really quickly, and end a story pretty good, I just have trouble with everything in between. Well, I guess I'll spice things up for this in the next chapters. I really don't want to revamp these two chapters anymore because they set up everything pretty clearly. Either way, I'm sure I'll be contacting you for more help in the future. Thanks a ton for the review, it really helped. Plus I like the abuse, I dish it out and I can take it too. /)
2186612Not gonna lie it has a lot of opportunity. You could take this story in many directions. While it isn't the most interesting itsng I've read its good enough to track.
2300690I like this sort of chapter Android I am glad to see that you are doing many of them its a good start Android and I am amused...continue