Rainbow Dash awakes with a gasp. She immediately jumps up and starts flying, looking franticly around the room. She is in a dark room. Where, she doesn’t know. Though her night-vision is exceptional, she could not see a thing. Eventually, she spots some light. Without a second thought, she flies towards it. When she arrives, she sees some sort of device. The device was large; it went up close to the light that was shining down on it, which was, as she estimated, a mile up. It curved up in an arch. It almost reminded her of a crane because of how big it was. There were wires coming up from the ground, which came up to a helmet, which was above a chair, but the helmet wasn’t suspended. Somepony was hooked up to it. Rainbow couldn’t tell who it was; the pony was bound and blindfolded and wearing a solid black suit. Strangely, the only thing showing was their flanks and their muzzle. She had to look at the flank, though, because there is no way to identify a pony by their muzzle. Slightly blushing, she looked at the pony’s flank. She gasped.
She stared in horror as she realized it was Twilight.
“Hello? Who’s there?” Twilight said softly. Immediately, Rainbow took off her blindfold to reveal Twilight’s eyes. Her eyes were closed, her face twisted with terror. She slowly opened her eyes and looked up to Rainbow, who was starting to become very emotional at the state her friend was in. Twilight’s face was bruised under her eyes and on her neck, and her nose was bleeding; the bright red flow of liquid freshly dripping off her muzzle. Along with the tears, Rainbow started filling with rage; she wanted to know who did this, and she wanted to know now.
“R- Rainbow?” Twilight said, “Oh, thank Celestia you found us!” She then looked around in the small light that they had. “Where are the others?”
A small chuckle echoed through the room. More lights came on, temporarily blinded the both of them. After being able to see again, she turned around and couldn’t believe her eyes. There were four more of the same devices that Twilight was hooked up to. She gasped as she realized it was the rest of her friends: Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie. Looking up, only five more lights turned on, creating a flower-like shape on the ground. The rest of the room was still dark, though. She took off all their blindfolds, and they all started talking at once.
“Hey, it’s Rainbow!”
“We’re gonna be ok!”
“Oh, thank goodness!”
“Please hurry! These chairs are so uncomfortable!”
Rainbow wasn’t really paying attention to them, though. She was more focused on that chuckle she heard. Who was it? Are they the one who did this? She then regained her focus and spoke.
“Don’t worry, girls. I’ll get you out of here”
“Don’t you touch them!” A gruff voice said. She looked around and didn’t see anyone.
“You see those devices they are hooked up to? With one push of a button, they will be dead. Don’t think for one second I won’t do it.”
“Who are you? Show yourself!” Rainbow shouted.
“Oh, you don’t know?” A hooded figure walks into the light. The hooded cape was a dark gray, tattered and torn. Immediately, the hood was thrown off, revealing the pony. It was a Pegasus; the wings were dragging across the floor, indicating they were broken. The pony’s coat, mane, and tail are completely frizzled, and she was completely dull of color. The pony was also wearing bandages around its waist and forelegs. Also, the pony was wearing an eye patch, a small trail of blood coming out from under it. Rainbow and her friends gasp in shock.
“Y- You’re… me?!” Rainbow said.
The pony chuckled and smiled.
Reconnection? There's a... a word... I guess.
Not so fast there Rainbow Dash! You just woke up from being knocked out! Calm down a bit. By the way, are we in a room?
Great.
It was large? What happened to it? Did you forget to wash it in hot water? Also, what the heck is it?
I didn't know this was a suit and tie and extra conjunction affair.
Yeah, only in Equestria can you recognize somepony by his or her butt.
EMOTION.
Did she ever finish?
Or at least before she finished filling with rage.
Alotta this goin' on today.
Yeah, all at the same time apparently.
Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity in that order.
Oh... okay then.
Yeah, still no idea what these devices are.
They are going to be dead? Oh my! That makes me be surprised!
W-why? Why would anyone know? You knock people out with a baseball bat then throw them into a dark room. How could we know?
Ehm... *cough*... I get what you're saying... but... I know there is a better way to say this.
Oh gosh! You'd better get that checked out! That's not supposed to happen... at all!
Doppelganger! Time Travel! Alternate Reality! Evil Twin! Stop me when I'm right!
Yeah, that's pretty much where the first chapter let off too. Rainbow Dash does all the gasping, and Hooded Dash does all the... the smiling.
Well, we found Rainbow Dash's friends! That happened, for sure. I can't say I know what comes next... at all... but it's going somewhere. I can't deny that the stage is set for something very complicated to take place.
Down to business.
There is a lot of description in this chapter. This chapter is mostly description. It's a short chapter, but it describes a lot.
I mean, for such a short chapter it's got a lot of description.
Description is tricky, but there are only two ways to do it: through showing and through telling. Allow me these examples:
Versus
These examples are Telling and Showing respectively. Telling uses 6 sentences and 42 words. Showing uses 2 sentences and 33 words. I think you'll agree that both sentences convey the same information. Not only is showing more concise, but it's a lot smoother and easier to read. Having brief sentence after brief sentence can be agonizing for the reader and rarely paints a good picture. While telling is absolutely necessary at some points, it shouldn't be your only mode.
This chapter tells us a lot, but we aren't shown much. You tell us about the devices (The description is a bit confusing, actually. It's an electric chair... or something?). You tell us about how Rainbow Dash is feeling. You tell us what our mysterious antagonist looks like. We aren't shown all that much.
It's important to remember that you have characters in the setting and experiencing the situation at hand. Their reactions, actions, and state of beings should be used to add to the reader's experience. Just having a character see something isn't very strong. If bright lights come on, they wince. If they hear a disembodied voice, they shudder. If they're filled with rage, they stomp around and shout.
All in all, I think it would be a good idea to do some more showing and less telling. Try to avoid using words like is/was/are, looks, sees/saw, or started/began. Try avoiding questions that aren't in dialogue. Let a character wonder, ponder, or question instead of writing it like a question to the audience. Also, make note of what tense you're in. If you're writing in this story in present tense, write it in present tense. If you're writing this story in past tense, write it in past tense. See if you can't make the next one a little longer.
It's not a bad chapter.
The twist at the end was unexpected, for sure. I don't know where you're going with it or how you're going to explain it, but I'll let that be your next challenge . I can tell this is going to be dark, so make it feel dark. Try and wring every ounce of despair out of the characters. Close all the escape routes. Point only to dark place. Get them in more trouble.
All in all, keep it up. If you're putting an honest effort into it, I guarantee it'll turn out alright. The story is interesting, and honestly that is half the battle.