Chapter review time! I like the style in which you wrote this, its almost poetic. I found no grammar errors, (Which I don't normally point out.) and mistakes. I did however, find it slow paced. The deep inner thought thing has been used many times over, and in some ways adds to the gloomy depressed feeling, but it makes the protagonist seem like an ass. I'm sorry but thats just my opinion, but since it is well written and captures a nice feel to it you get stars.

Also I will continue to read this and make an even better review of the story once I'm done reading.

-Noakwolf the awesomenessguy

Have to say awesome story keep it up (^-^)/) brohoof

>>158802158802

Thanks for the review. Ripple is sort of an ass, yes indeed. He's working on that.

>>163210163210

Thanks, I plan on keeping it up. Been working on next chapter.

Also, thank you for the favorite

Fan fucking tastic! Another well-written Fallout fic to track. Take all of these stars or I'll... I dunno.

>>177487177487

Thank ya' kindly. I'll take those stars.

Awesome chapter im quickly starting to enjoy the story (^-^)/) brohoof

Nice, and very breathtaking. I always liked raiders and badass ponies, so Rip is my instant favourite. Nice fighting , and very good thoughting process where we can see what made him try something 'nice' for a change. Little slave and badass gladiator with fucked up karma and reputation.. they'll make nice pair. Trackign.

>>177888177888

Glad you like it. I'm growing rather fond of them myself.

>>178576178576

You know, fights with Paragons is awesome. Not the fight itself, but feelings and atmosphere of wrongness: damned if you fight, damned if don't. Also , Rip is badass healthy and tough. He didn't have any super-fire-gun-armor thingies, but he can take beating. And his famous Two Kicks... hell, that's cool.

THIS GETTIN GUD

great chapter ^^

>>192876192876

Thanks, I try.

>>192637192637

Uh.... thanks.

You get stars snow, you also don't get a table thrown at you because this is definetely worth readin.

>>198937198937

Thanks Shadow. Also, thanks for not throwing the table. Mostly for reading the story though.

Your welcome, and I can't wait for zee next chapter!  :D>>199158199158

A perfect example of a well-written. Detailed, built on the relationships of characters, a good romantic line (possibly the best in the fics). Sadly, not all authors can write well. Please keep on.

>>220121220121

Thanks for the praise, helps me keep going.

FUCK! Of course nothing ever goes right for our heroes, ever.

And Broken is totally a Soul Jar weapon. That ought to be an interesting development when it arrives. Seriously, never deteriorating in condition and being fucktardedly strong at all times? Definitely contains a fragment of a soul.

Great chapter ^^

Okay I noticed some things. He found two health potions in that box, and actively took one, leaving him one potion. He found another potion on the corpses of his former gang mates (?) and then gave away his 'last' potion to Shade. So.... Somewhere he took a potion without realizing it, or he lost it, or it's just a slight oversight.

Also, no level up? Is he max level fro  all his wrongdoings?

>>240557240557

Ah, had the feeling that he lost something. Also... I want to add the level up part, but that will be a side project of its own, I'll probably have it up and running before too long.

I'm really enjoying your story, but I noticed something else. In all the memory orbs in original Fallout: Equestria, Littlepip never experienced the emotions of the pony remembering. Are these special memory orbs he's looking at? I don't remember any of them being black, though there have been one or two golden ones in Project Horizons.

I feel really nitpicky coming up with all these continuity errors, but the it's the little things that make or break your story.

So far, none has broken it.

>>244104244104

Well, I'm working my way through the story, fixing issues here and there at the behest of ponies wiser in the area of editing than myself. I believe I've fixed the potion issue and will keep an eye out for the others. Fixing up some sentence structure mostly, to allow for easier reading.

>>254002254002

I wasn't even asking you to fix it, honestly. Whether or not you do is totally your call. I prefer it when authors wait till the story is done to start fixing things.

Makes new chapters come out faster.

Anyway, I just point out what I think is out of place and leave it at that. If I demand corrections of you, that's overstepping my place.

A raider story, I approve of this. Congrats on capturing the side of the Wasteland yet unexplorered. Now if only I could figure out my story...The tale of  stampede addicted Griffon Merc...

Hmm Rip rili not even try ask Shade abaut her past. I feel like some sirius shit there, isn't?

>>269359269359

He will, it just takes time. Of course there's serious shit there, nopony comes out of the wastes without it.

>>268298268298

Thanks and good luck with that.

>>268298268298

Well, pard, I got the right group of folk to help ya if ya have questions, need somebody bounce ideas off of, and even preread.  Come see us at the FOE Side Story doc.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KaoFWVlFlMjYR2KmTWxwCYnvTZQcjEULO9YHSaqqk9U/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1#heading=h.ym58a8fxb6ju

I had a thought. I'm reading another FO:E story called We're no Heroes where the main character has wandered the wastes for 15 years. She doesn't level up at the end of the chapters because she reached the level cap in her previous travels. She DOES get quest related perks, and the author includes a Maximum Level Reached thingy in the end of each chapter.

Maybe you could do the same?

>>272144272144

Well, he's not quite max level yet. As I said before, it's on my list of to do things. Have patience my friend.

Shade nodded as she saw the look in my eye.* Rips talking to Ivory not Shade.

At first this sounded like an odd plot; a raider getting shot in the head and deciding to be nice. But i'm lovin it snow.

>>276441276441

Snuck past Errant and I, fixed now. Also, thanks for the comment, I aim to please.

im going to have to read this. maybe give me ideas for my fallout story

>>293492293492

Indeed, read and enjoy.

Emm, mabi that a stupid qestion but what mean ripple's assmark? I trying to understand, but possybly i too stupid for this (

>>294134294134

That will all be revealed in due time.

Great chapter mate Keep it up i finally got my fallout fix ive been needing it /)

YaY man! I love your story. Relise raider on free withaut weapon in that forest yep, Rip so kind)

I place this story on one shelf with "Daily unlife". My top fav. Keep writing the good write! :3

>>343059343059

Thanks for the praise! I will continue.

You make my day again with anotha great chapta of GoC. Hah mares always like official things more than de facto )

"Screaming and brandishing various sharp instruments of violence. "    Hehe that got a chuckle out of me

Also for that ending Duh -duh-Dummm

Once, there had been a grand wall surrounding orchard. *Either "the orchard" or "Orchard". Couldn't tell which one you were going for.

So right now Ash's biggest concerns are Enclave, Paragons and elevators and not necessarily in that order.

“Fine then. We’ll just have to kill them later.” Um Ivory scares me...a lot.

Hmm, a being usually considered to be Satan is tempting Rip with whatever he wants. Sounds real familiar to me. Although that could just be a coincidence considering not everyone has heard the story.

And as always I say, good job.

>>377983377983

As always, I aim to please.

>>377990377990

>>378044378044

It was Orchard. Fixed that.

That's just what satanic beings of untold power do. It's their thing.

I really like where this story is going. The amnesiac raider (well, they seem more like the Reapers from PH) thing is a neat idea :)

Well, overall this is very well written, and I love the story, but I keep seeing two of my spelling pet peeves appear all the time.

I suggest going through your chapters, and whenever you see "it’s", try replacing it with "it is", and see if it still fits. If it doesn't, change it to "its" instead

(chapter 4 also has the reverse error a few times; "Now, its time for some news", and "Also, its blocking our only way out")

The second error I keep spotting is "peak", which is the top of a mountain. For the verb involving looking at something, use "peek".

>>388441388441

Glad you're liking the story.

As for the spelling stuff, the peak/peek thing I guess I missed. Only about a dozen or so instances, fixed those. The it's thing will take a bit more.

>>388460388460

Heh. I went over them just to check, and noticed that there's a difference in the ' characters, so make sure you get both varieties, ' and ’. (this is usually caused by copying from other editors. If you're editing the story in that other editor though, it probably isn't a problem)

heh, looks like Shade dodged the chat he REALLY wanted to have with her. Sneaky mare.

Found a few errors,thought I'd best let you know:

> I can't be gone from my post for two long

for too long

> surrounded by drunken ponies who’s names kept escaping me

whose names

Hehe. Let's hope Fern makes a better guard dog than Ripple

Some minor mistakes in this:

> her head head moving to music none of us could hear

double head :p

> that is so much more satisfying to do that to raiders

Should be either

  that is so much more satisfying to do raiders

or

  it is so much more satisfying to do that to raiders

> i didn’t know what else I could really say

missing capital letter on the i

>>390663390663

Fixed aside from the satisfying raider comment. Characters don't need to speak in perfect english.

Ooh, Steel Rangers. And not the nicer kind either. I hope they won't try to keep those cubes for themselves... might get messy.

Then again, if they somehow manage to contact Pandemonium, I think the old Drac will do anything to get back to the pony actually willing to collect the rest and give him a chance. The Rangers are more the "collect and keep in a dusty room for eternity" kind.

On that note, they're also in the habit of 'liberating' pipbucks...

>>390832390832 Fair enough, lol.

Oh, those fucking Steel Rangers.

Also, a deal with a primordial chaos monster in a ruined town called Orchard? Where have I heard this before? Great spin. Now, to see if he falls for it.

need...more...

>>414443414443

Heh, I'm working on it. Don't worry.

Now I really dislike Kick and Ash. They killed raider mare for fun and lulz. Could've just tied her, or something, intimidate... but no, of course 'helping ponies' do not include raiders, huh? You don't need a reason to kill raider... you can do anything with them still thinking that you are better, because... why, exactly? They kill to survive - you kill to survive. You protect your friends, they protect theirs.

Mare protector, yeah, keep telling yourself that, Ripple Two Kick. Remember that you let her die. And fuck you.

>>434314434314

Sorry you feel that way, though Kick wasn't exactly happy with how that went down. Can't say they did that for the lulz though.

>>434438434438

Yeah, I overreacted a little. Not for lulz.  But still, he could've done better, heck, he could've broke her leg and taped her mouth so she wouldn't call for help. But of course, he's 'good' only for his new band, just like he was 'good' for Paragons before. He didn't change at all, did he?

>>434446434446

The situation could have been dealt with differently, I'll admit. There was no real happy ending after what Ash did to the first raider. As for Kick... as a Paragon he was the worst kind of pony. He's still working on being better.

How many people, so many opinions. They did absolutely right, uh Ash went absolutely right, the bullet in the head, no less, and do not care who and where the raider love, it does not justify anything, it just does not work like that. Moreover, I would like to see that rip kills in cold blood, though it is not possible, given its current identity. Second chances is the shit what works in 0.1% of cases.

>>434494434494

Well, what I realy want to know, is you had a full plot from the begining, or doing it in process?

>>434544434544

I have the overall plot planned, but just the big points. I fill in the spaces between as I go.

>>434314434314

It's the Wasteland. Shit happens. Had it gone according to plan it wouldn't have happened, but Ash is understandably a bit bloodthirsty for his own good. And they were raiders, who knows how many lives they'd destroyed?

Black and blacker morality, the Equestrian Wasteland sucks.

Also, my heart breaks for Fluster. Good lord, that is nightmare fuel.

I think the voice in Ripple's head isn't just some leftover memories... I think it's Broken. I mean, if it's a soul jar, chances are that soul has its influence. We all know what the Black Book did.

>>434446434446 Umm, in case you didn't read that correctly... Ash killed both raiders, the buck AND the mare. Ripple didn't want to kill either of them.

Hah I said a lot of, but not said main. THIS CHAPTA A FECKEN AWESOME I think Rip must get in saloon with all his mates, drink something strong, and think about ALL his motives and plans.

*inhales slowly* Well, I'm all caught up. Finally. Do you know what that means?

...

Adder1(R) Unconsolidated Review Time, GO!

Let's start with the characters, one by one, shall we? There's juuuuuuuust enough. Juuuuuust enough.

Ripple. Complicated. He has sins, yet he can't remember them. He has a new life, the dawn of a new day. At first glance, I thought he was going to be just gunning for revenge all the way, but now he has the notion of protecting others and carving out a good life. He's not as cold-blooded, not nearly as cold-blooded as he used to be. I like that. I expect more to be revealed of him later on. Can't keep us all in the dark now can we?

Shade/Dusk. Okay, I have a bit of a qualm against this one. She fell in love with Ripple way, waaaaaay too quickly- the romantic fantasy story style of quickly. So far, she's your weakest character. She hasn't developed all that much in my eyes. That said, the fact that she keeps the Stampede-addicted "voice" in Ripple's head at bay works as an interesting concept, and she did manage to track down Ripple on her own from Blank. I just hope that she's fleshed out a little more eventually.

Ashred. I don't know if you've noticed yet in the IRC Tavern RP, but I like griffins. I have ten main characters. And I gotta say, I like Ashred. You describe his predatory nature quite well, and I like his conflicting personality- laid-back and playful yet aggressive. Reminds me of a cat. Fitting. There's still an aura of mystery to him- namely his agenda with the Paragons. I'm very eager to see what more we'll learn of this anti-materiel rifle-totting griffin.

Fluster. I actually have to admit that I thought that she was Shade in disguise, appearing and following them out of nowhere like that. Boy did you prove me wrong (by the way, good job on that- the point when Shade returns to the group is when the story stopped being too predictable; more on that later). With the most recent chapter, she changed from being close to undeveloped to a very interesting character. I like the duality between her and Flurry- they're almost practically identical aside from the personality and disposition. It's an intriguing play that piqued my interest. Her picking up Fern as a pet was rather cute as well (A question- where was Fern during that whole last chapter?).

Ivory. I have to say I was incredibly surprised by how much you managed to develop her over the course of practically a chapter-and-a-half. Bloodthirsty, sensitive to light, vengeful, trigger-happy, and out there with a lust for blood. And sensitive about her appearance. No wonder she and Fluster make a good match. Not too much to say on that- good job on the quick development, but keep it up.

Now for the story itself. Your descriptions of the action scene, from the gore to the movements of the characters themselves makes them feel alive. As a stark contrast, the world itself feels... missed. The sole exception to this was the Bone Forest chapter, but I otherwise never got too much of a feel for the atmosphere. Sure, there was the relay and maaaaybe the first MoP facility, but otherwise, I couldn't picture the rest too well.

The dialogue feels mostly natural for the most part, which is good. Initially, there were problems where you didn't separate different speakers into different paragraphs, but that's pretty much solved now. Dialogue is where your characters really feel alive, working with your descriptions of them. I have to say that's your greatest strength so far- your characters.

Makes me wonder how Fern will work out... *is reminded of his growing Deathclaw companion in New Vegas*

Just some commentary now- um, Ripple realizes that by gathering those cubes, all the Paragons have to do is just capture him and he's done the work for them... right? Someone in that group realizes that, right? *looks around* Right?

Also. Pandemonium. Whyyyy does Ripple trust him? Whyyyy does Ripple trust him? Sure, there's the temptation, but... oh, right. He probably doesn't know too much about Discord or what he did. This can't end well can't it?

And this concludes this Adder1(R) Unconsolidated Review Time. Keep it up, Snow. You're doing a fine job.

>>441428441428

Thanks for the review Adder.

As for where Fern was.... I'll say in Fluster's saddle bag.

A little add-on. Because my reviews are unconsolidated.

I know I already popped this up for what I thought might fit for Clover's theme (from Tales of a Courier). Buuuut, since that got "Reloaded," I think this may better fit Ripple.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMG9S2m1S7Y

Lyrics... dose lyrics, buck...

>>442537442537

"She fell in love with Ripple way, waaaaaay too quickly- the romantic fantasy story style of quickly" A what? Itsa tooo slowly, not quickly, most of the other mares would be dragged Rip to bed right after what he did. Since Rip has a tendency to find new damaged mares, it is strange that Shade is slow.

Aaand..... 9x39 spb-6 tha best cartridge

Flurry is the second pegasus that could be related to the Kryll from Gears of war. Lightning fast and able to shred what they want.

So I want the Paragons dead. I want Hate dead. I want the Steel Rangers dead. Oh and all the raiders, except "Bullet Holes" and "Slug".

Rip, hop to!

She had taken to walking ahead of me again, I assumed so that I wouldn't see her crying.     Don't you mean behind?

Hate is the best. Nopony has ever beat him, in anything...... 'Beaten'

Ashe had at least not abandoned......

The glared at me, but softer than previously.  Then?

This is my second time reading this so Im catching stuff that I didn't before.

he was going pull the trigger until the weapon went dry. Put a 'to' between going and pull.

Thats all I sa.

Now I stumbled slightly, steadying her on my back with with a steel glow.

I started feeling the an ache around the same time.

The elevator shaft made an odd straining sound for a second before it exploded plant matter out into the room, coating the two of us in shredded plant good.    ........? you mean goo?

>start reading Guise of Chaos finally

>don't stop until I literally fall asleep in front of my nook

Loving the story so far! I adore Ash, for some reason he strikes me as cute on the outside, but watch out if you piss him off...

Ash and Puppysmiles would get along, I think

whens the next chapter?

>>539209539209

Thanks, glad you like it.

>>539577539577

Well, chapter 11 was a bit late (week and a half) because of finals and school stuff. So thats out of the way, back to my 2 week schedule. Unless I get really inspired, then it might be one week.

>>540242540242 mkay

>>539577539577 a week or two knowing how he works.

Nice

Okay. Let's DO this! Adder1(R) Unconsolidated Review Time, GO!

More of an easygoing chapter this time around, surprisingly. No action, other than Ripple getting a wrench to the face (which means he probably can't dodge a ball... or a car, conversely) and a sword and rifle pointed at him. Barring that, it's a nice chance for them to rest. Not much to comment on, other than some cute Ivory/Flusterness and some Fern/Flusterness. The little tidbit about Fluster having a total aversion toward pegasi as a whole was interesting, however. Also interesting is Ripple's continued reluctance to tell anyone about Pandemonium (by the way, the title is coming into play with him I assume).

Willow and the Whitecoats still seem to be something a little too good to be true, despite their extreme anti-raider policy. They're an interesting play on the Followers' of the Apocalypse manner of dress, namely the white coats. I still don't have a good feeling about them, however, particularly after the encounter with Uncle Raw/Square Deal.

Oh. Hello again, Cinder. Was wondering when you'd pop up again. And he's all alone. Can't ever have a perfect day, can he?

Some minor errors I managed to catch:

[I remembered my first walk to blank.] ("blank" should be capitalized.)

[“Aren’t you worried you’ll find somepony new to obsess over.” ] (Should have a question mark at the end.)

[The angry mares features softened as she looked at us, then she cracked a grin.] (Should be "mare's.")

Well, I'm certainly eager for the next one, Snow. Until next time. This has been another Adder1(R) Unconsolidated Review Time.

Nice to see everything is working out for Blank. I wonder how Cinder got so close without getting some stylish skull piercings courtesy of the Whitecoats, though.

Oh, and I'll add another error to Adder1's list:

[I cannot guess at what pony’s topside after two hundred years will be like]

Should be "ponies".

Hi Snow,

Loving the new cover very atmospheric

Yep, Ash thinking something like "wtf I doing here with this talking horses?" And I want to hug Shade this is normal?

>>569693569693

>>571561571561

Yeah, thanks I can't claim credit for the picture, it was done by the rather talented Kibu over at http://kibugamikenzo.deviantart.com/art/Comm-GoC-cover-300964102

I saw this cover art some time ago and finally gave it a read. To be honest you had me hooked on the first chapter and I just sat and read until this point in your story. I have thoroughly enjoyed it and am very much looking forward to more. You write very well and while there are minimal errors in spelling and grammar they are negligible in light of the fact that I enjoy this so much!

If I had to point anything out though it would have to be Shade. Not her character, the mystery behind who she was and the way she chooses to answer Ripple and simply as possible or avoid it altogether is part of her and I appreciate that and acknowledge that in time she'll open up to him some more. But I just got to get something off my chest that's been bugging me as I read this, it's how she has a tendency to not really say anything at all :/ The way she always cuddles up next to Rip is nice but how she doesn't speak just simply... nods? I dunno, I just find the lack of general communication between her and Rip to be a little annoying, because I like her! But it's a little off-putting. I hope that came across well haha

But anyways! Liked, Faved, Tracked and all that jazz, I can't wait to see more!

As a big fan of the story and a big contributor of all things Guise of Chaos related to the Fallout Equestria wiki, I can happily say this is one of the best written Fallout Equestria stories. I hope this story reaches the fabled yet lofty realm of major side story.

Great chapters, just spent about 2-3 hours catching up with the story's last 4 chapters whilst adding more about Guise of Chaos to the Fallout Equestria wiki. Really enjoyed the last couple of chapters, you're really good at getting your readers invested in the story and creating interesting locations. I look forward to seeing what happens with Cinder in the next chapter and perhaps learning the mystery of Broken someday is also a major enticement .

>>578084578084

Thanks, I try to do well in my writing, and when that fails I have my editor to fall back on.  And as for Shade.... Yeah, I'm trying something with Shade, though I do agree that I need to give her more lines. She's still a quiet pony though. The info will come, eventually.

>>587744587744

Thanks Tonto, I'm rather pleased with your work on the wiki. I don't know how to write wiki too much myself, so its good to see ponies like you and FlyLikeAPegasi working on it. That my story inspires others to create is a rather large compliment to me.

>>604866604866

Yeah, I hope you understand why I deleted your comment. It's just... wow.

>>434314434314

Image: http://scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1884-132456353172.png

>>610120610120

Just love my raiders and dislike oh-so-noble main characters that good-and-proper to everypony EXCEPT raiders. Because you can do anything to them without losing 'good' points. They're cannon fodder and 'bad' guys that you can kill for fun and profit, never mind that you were one of them and repeatedly realized that they're not so different - just trying to survive and livin' hovever they can.

>>610120610120

Now now Lesolan, no need to drudge up long over conversations. Also, try and cut back on the huge pictures, I already deleted one.

Fuck. Now I have to wait for the next chapter...

>>610130610130

I don't even know where to start, so I'm just gonna go with 'Thy intelligence seems in question, halting thy race while losing so poorly, one might as well consider ceasing.'

>>610160610160

Fine, fine, I'll keep 'em bite sized.

yay Cinders dead cant wait for the next chapter

>>617295617295 She isn't. This is about Sweeps. Ripple buried her near the town.

>>617548617548 oh I was about say Ripple needs to kill Cinder and the rest will be easier for him

Excellent Chapter. I really enjoyed the fight scene and how Pandemonium has been interacting with Ripple. Also Old Ripple trying to get out and doing it just adds more conflict to the character whose dark half is kept at bay by the presence of a loving mare. When Massacre was mentioned, the 'Oh Shi' meter went sky high. An army of Raiders and one possible more Paragons involved in an attack on Blank which has only just been repaired. Also why do I get the feeling Massacre is going to be like Bane and grow huge and super strong?

Wicked awesome chapter, looking forward to the next chapter when you get back Snow.  

ponies gon die!