The Nonrational Service

by Bitt_Player

Incident Cherry Bomb

The tall, imposing building known as the Canterlot Archives housed many ancient books and scrolls, filled with information too valuable to destroy, but too dangerous to let just anypony read. Most ponies were not aware of this, knowing only that the Archives were off-limits, and avoided the tower's well-guarded entrance. Even the majority of Royal Guard ponies were not allowed into the building. The small number of ponies who had access to the Archives only went into the basement when they had to, due to that area's poorly-lit, cluttered, and honestly creepy nature. The eeriness of the basement was intentionally cultivated, and associated rumors encouraged, by the tiny number of ponies who were able to walk through the potent magical wards and barriers preventing access to the secret passage connected to the stairwell down to the second basement, which was the clean and well-lit base of the Nonrational Service.

Paperwork, in Captain Prince Shining Armor's experience, was something that accumulated on desks while ponies were out doing important things that actually mattered. It shared this property with dust and written complaints, the latter of which were becoming something of an inside joke among the Captain's subordinate officers. Equestrian law allowed for any pony to submit a complaint to any member of the government, including the Royal Guard, and as such Shining Armor, on a daily basis, received poorly-written and logically-fallacious demands that he end his marriage with Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Despite his obligation to read all such documents to land on his desk, nopony was particularly bothered by the fact that he couldn't put up with more than one or two of these missives in a month before sliding the whole lot into an envelope marked "For Immediate Destruction" and turning it over to Lieutenant Firecracker Burst. Firecracker would sneak off and read the complaints before applying her enthusiastic brand of information security to them, and would tell Shining Armor's other subordinates about any particularly amusing demands. Shining would pretend he didn't know this was going on, while the others would pretend not to know that he knew. In this way, both command protocol and humor value were maintained.

Paperwork regarding the Crystal Empire had become dramatically less frequent of late, as Cadance had declared the Empire to be a sovereign territory of Equestria, but the Captain still found himself having to address the occasional question or issue regarding the Crystal Empire Guard, of which he was at least theoretically the highest authority. Today, however, Shining Armor found himself reading a report from Dodge Junction's Royal Guard forces, which drew his attention as the commanding officer of the Nonrational Service. A number of completely inexplicable explosions had occurred, harming several ponies and causing significant property damage. The Guardsponies were certain that magic was involved, but were unaware of any spells that could create explosions without any combustible materials to work with. Further, they were also struggling to locate the pony or ponies responsible. Intrigued, Shining Armor decided to ask Firecracker Burst for her professional opinion. It had been a few months since he'd given Firecracker a piece of paper that he didn't want obliterated, and Shining wondered how she would react.

---

"Well, I have to say, I don't know any spells that can just explode air. Or whatever's going on here," Firecracker admitted, reading the mildly-singed report.

"I was afraid of that," Shining said, smoothing down his mane. He made a mental note to ask Cadance if she happened to know a way to get rid of the smell of burnt hair. He couldn't imagine Cadance being in a situation where her mane was on fire, but he was a stallion who didn't like to make assumptions. "It could just be a unicorn who's come up with some new spell, but I can't rule out the possibility of That Which is Monitored being involved."

"Want me to go find Jetstream and Blue October?" Firecracker asked, naming the other two members of the Nonrational Service.

"Please do. I'll see about getting us on a train to Dodge Junction."

---

Dodge Junction was a dusty, dry sort of town known primarily for its expansive cherry farm, which thrived under the watchful gaze of the appropriately-named Cherry family despite the land and climate being entirely unsuited to growing cherry trees. Or indeed much of anything except cacti. The sort of ponies who enjoyed flimsy and wholly unprovable financial theorizing -which is to say, leftist economists- often said that if cacti were as much in demand as cherries, the Cherry family would be able to buy Canterlot from Celestia and Luna inside of three years. These such theorists were also the type to disrespectfully refer to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna without using their proper royal titles. In any case, this bit of fiscal speculation was ridiculous, if only because the Royal Sisters didn't technically own Canterlot; not even the castle belonged to them. This fact in itself, however, was only of interest to ponies who enjoyed obscure governmental minutia -which is to say, Twilight Sparkle. Shining Armor was also aware of the Princess' status as Equestria's most-respected house-sitters -not because he was interested in knowing it, but because a pony could only spend so much time around his younger sister without being told a vast array of meaningless information, and Shining Armor had a memory like a vice. Random bits of primarily-worthless knowledge lurked within his mind, effervescing to the surface at odd and often inopportune times, but Shining Armor was able to take comfort from this informational detritus in the fact that he would never fall into the stereotypical behavior of forgetting his wife's birthday. Most of this had nothing to do with Dodge Junction, however.

Upon the arrival of the Nonrational Service at Dodge Junction, Blue October immediately disappeared -a difficult trick to accomplish, considering the town's broad, uncrowded streets, and currently-cloudless skies. Her fellow NRS members didn't mind that October had vanished, confident that she was already hard at work and would soon return with information which would prove essential to resolving the problem at hand. Shining Armor, Firecracker Burst, and Jetstream visited the local Royal Guard detachment, where they learned that no further explosions had occurred since the report had been sent to Canterlot, and were given a map of the town with the locations of the blasts marked. Firecracker and Jetstream set about examining the nearest blast site, while Shining Armor went in search of witnesses to question.

---

"What'cha think, Firecracker?" Jetstream asked. The pale-pink pegasus pony pushed her ever-present goggles up onto her forehead, hovering above the center of the blast site. This particular explosion had occurred in the center of Dodge Junction's Mane Street, which was not to be confused with the Mane Streets in every other town in Equestria. It was not to be confused with any of the multitudinous Main Streets, either. Or even, for that matter, Canterlot's Multitudinous Mane Street, a district known primarily for its beauty parlors, which was one of Cadance's favorite haunts for several months before she became tired of the rumors that she dyed her mane.

Firecracker Burst blinked twice in rapid succession, unsure why her thoughts had wandered to the question of mane-dying alicorns, and craned her neck to look up at Jetstream from her position in the center of the foot-deep crater in the street. Her horn glowed slightly.

"There was definitely magic going on here," Firecracker said, "but I can't put my hoof on the spell."

"That's hard to believe," Jetstream said, "I figured you knew every way in Equestria to blow stuff up."

"All of them? Nah," Firecracker admitted, "but I do most of them. If I could just work out the explosive used, that'd be a huge help."

"The explosive used? What happened to magic?" Jetstream asked.

"We've been over this, Jetstream," Firecracker rolled her eyes, "magic can be used to imitate the visual effects of explosives, but to create a real explosion, you need a real explosive. Magic can be used to detonate it, often with much greater effect than mundane triggering mechanisms, but there has to be something volatile to start with."

"All right, I get it," Jetstream said, rolling her own eyes, "so if we can figure out what blew up, you can figure out how?"

"Exactly, and that could lead us to who," Firecracker replied, "which I think is the main question here."

"I think I beat you to that, actually," came Shining Armor's voice. Both mares turned to see him walking towards them, accompanied by a stallion with a tan coat and a dark red mane, almost black, "this young gentlestallion is Cherry Cola, he tells me he saw this very explosion."

"Yeah, uh, hi," the tan stallion said, clearly uncomfortable, "I, well, I saw a pony in a cloak, hiding over there." Cherry stopped to point at a narrow alley between two nearby buildings. "I don't think anypony else saw him. I didn't get a good look-"

"Can you describe the explosive he used?" Firecracker interrupted.

"Uh, well, the local Royal Guard didn't believe me-"

"Tell me anyway," Firecracker said flatly.

"It was a cherry seed, miss. One cherry seed," Cherry Cola said, starting to blush.

"Completely impossible," Firecracker said, "cherry seeds have no explosive properties whatsoever."

"I didn't think you'd believe me," Cherry said, hanging his head.

"Hold on. I said it was impossible, not that I didn't believe you," Firecracker told him, "we're the Nonrational Service, if it's impossible, it's our day job."

"Yup! We're the Royal Guard's Weird Flippin' Stuff Division," Jetstream agreed.

"Oh," Cherry Cola brightened up considerably, "so, you believe me?"

"I can't rule out any possibilities," Firecracker replied, her horn glowing again, "let me see what I can find out."

"Magic tracing?" Cherry asked.

"You guessed it," Jetstream answered, "Firecracker's pretty good at tracking magic, even if her main talent is blowin' stuff up. She's our master exploder."

"Lieutenant Firecracker Burst is our pyrotechnical expert," Shining Armor corrected, taking his turn at eye-rolling. "The pegasus flapping around over her head is Lieutenant Jetstream, our weather master. Lieutenant Blue October is, well, not present."

"She'll pop up," Jetstream said, "she always does, doesn't she?"

"True enough," Shining agreed, "October does things her own way, but she does good work."

"Bursty here's probably gonna be a while yet," Jetstream said, setting down between Shining and Cola. "So Cap, where'd you find this fine slab o' colt?"

"Lieutenant Jetstream, what have I told you about making passes at civilians?" Shining asked grumpily as Cola's face turned brick red.

"Only if I catch 'em checking out my hindquarters first, right?" Jetstream asked. Shining's eyelid twitched.

"Lieutenant, I would appreciate it if you took your job more seriously," Shining said in a calm, even voice that managed to indicate quite clearly that he was resigned to dealing with subordinates who had no interest in what he appreciated, "Cherry Cola has agreed to assist us in addressing this situation, so please don't give him a hard time."

"Oh. I see," Jetstream said, actually taking the situation seriously. The uncharacteristically grim expression on her Captain's face made it clear that Cola had 'agreed to help' in much the same way she and Firecracker had 'agreed' when Shining Armor's predecessor, Captain Rock Solid, had pressed them into service at the start of what would become his final mission. Despite the willingness of both ponies to continue serving, the practice was considered a necessary evil; a compromise between the need of the Service to call upon outside talent and its need for secrecy. It meant that if the kind of extra-normal oddities the NRS normally dealt with was actually involved in the situation, Cherry Cola would become a career officer of the Royal Guard whether he wanted to or not.

"Tch, I still can't identify the spell," Firecracker said grumpily, the glow around her horn fading, "it feels like a triggering spell, but we knew that already. It's wildly different from any trigger spells I know, but I guess it would have to be, you know?"

"Did you find out anything else?" Shining asked.

"Whatever else it is, this spell is ancient," Firecracker said, "the underlying principles of it... faded out of use millennia ago. We're dealing with very old, very obscure magic here."

"And it's being used to make something impossible occur in a repeatable and reliable manner," Shining added, "That Which is Monitored is definitely involved here. Now we just need to track down whoever's responsible."

"I have a lead on that subject," Blue October said. Cola jumped and spun around, startled. Jetstream, also startled, pulled a muscle in her neck whipping her head around to try to spot October. Firecracker twitched as if she'd just been electrocuted, but Shining just stood where he was, slowly turning his head to face October.

"Ah. Cola, this is Lieutenant Blue October, our intelligence specialist." Shining said calmly, "October, this is Cherry Cola. He's agreed to help with the problem at hoof."

October looked blankly into Cola's eyes for a moment before speaking. "Hello." She said flatly, "word of warning; don't think too much about my cutie mark, down that path madness lies."

"Oh... kay?" Cola said uncertainly. He was facing October directly, and thus couldn't see her cutie mark at all.

"No pony can remember or describe it, even when they're lookin' right at the thing," Jetstream whispered, her cheek almost touching Cola's. He blushed again as she continued, "she's even asked Cap to list her as a Monitored Entity because of it."

"Captain, I located an old barn to the west of the town, at the edge of the Hayseed Swamps," October said, turning to face Shining Armor. "It appears to be abandoned, but there is evidence of recent habitation. Recommend further investigation."

"Well, I don't see why not," Shining said, "let's go."

---

"Yeah, that barn's abandoned, all right," Jetstream muttered. The ponies of the Nonrational Service had circled around the barn and approached it from the Hayseed Swamps, using the trees a cover.

"I am almost certain that somepony is living in it. There are canvas sacks appear to have been moved recently. However, he or she is not currently present, and was not during my previous investigation."

"Firecracker?" Shining asked. Firecracker Burst's horn was already glowing.

"Somepony was definitely casting spells here," Firecracker said, "spells not unlike the one that blew up that cherry seed."

"Sounds like our pony, then," Cola said uncertainly, "I..." he trailed off as the others looked at him.

"You, uh, you gonna finish that sentence?" Shining asked, "it bugs me when ponies don't finish their sentences."

"Sorry, sir," Cola said, blushing again, "it's just, if he's not here now, I think he's gonna set off another explosion, then come back here and wait until things calm down."

"That makes sense, Cherry Cola," Shining said, "don't ever be afraid to speak your mind. Don't forget, you're one of us now." The Captain said the last sentence with some regret.

"I -thank you, Captain," Cola said, "I'll keep that in mind."

"Good. Now then, you're probably right, our mark's gonna kick off another blast and then scramble back here," Shining said, "let's take cover under these trees, we'll see if we can spot him."

---

Shining Armor, Firecracker Burst, and Cherry Cola lurked in the bushes beneath the trees at the edge of the Hayseed Swamps, hidden by the thick foliage and the shadows of late afternoon. Perched in the trees above them were Blue October and Jetstream, watching the path to the barn intently. They didn't have long to wait, as a cloaked figure came dashing down the path, carrying a canvas bag with his magic. The pony of questionable intent leaped through a previously-broken window into the barn.

"I'm almost certain that was him," Cola said, "I recognize the cloak."

"Well then, it's time to see what he has to say," Shining replied. He looked up, "Jetstream, October, take to the skies. Firecracker, Cola, get to the back corners and watch the walls in case he tries to bolt on us. Now, until we can definitively prove he's our target, we're doing this by the book. I'm gonna knock on the door and see if he wants to chat. Everypony understand?"

"On it," Jetstream said, taking flight. Blue October was already circling the barn.

"Moving in," Firecracker added, approaching the back of the barn as stealthily as she was able. Cherry Cola followed her, watching the barn intently. There were gaps between the old, warped planks of the walls, through which he could see several vague shapes. He took his position, from which he could watch the barn's back and one of its sides.

With everypony in position, Shining walked purposefully up to the barn door, on which he knocked a few times before saying loudly, "this is Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard." As soon as he knocked, Cola noticed one of the vague shapes in the barn moving towards his side wall, and ran to the side, planning to intercept what was no doubt the pony inside. "I have some questions I need to-" Shining Armor's Royal Guard front-door spiel was interrupted by and explosion that destroyed most of the side wall.

"He's out here!" Cola shouted, charging the fleeing unicorn.

"Stop him!" Shining ordered, rounding the barn. Jetstream and October both descended on the cloaked pony, but Cola got to him first, wrapping his front legs around the offender's neck and dragging him to the ground. The fleeing unicorn's hood fell off as his horn lit up. Cola hammered his hoof into the base of the unicorn's skull, knocking him out.

"Dang, colt, when you go to stop a pony, you darn well stop him!" Jetstream said.

"Well, I didn't want him blowing me up, you know?" Cola said, clambering to his feet.

"I can understand that," Shining said, surrounding the unidentified pony in a force field. "Well, doing things by the book sort of went down with that wall he blew up, so I'm gonna check his saddlebags while he enjoys his nap." The Captain's magic aura surrounded the unknown pony's saddle bags, withdrawing a smaller bag and a very thick, old-looking book.

"Is that what I think it is?" Firecracker asked, her eyes widening.

"A small sack full of, hang on," Shining Armor untied the drawstring and opened the bag, "cherry seeds. And this book. Well, more of a tome, now that I look at it."

Firecracker grabbed the book out of Shining's magic aura and opened it. She read the first page quickly, her eyes getting progressively wider, before speaking. "Captain, this... this is the Enchiridion of Explosive Excellence. I can't believe I'm actually holding it."

"The Enchiridion of Explosive Excellence? That's Item Three-Twenty-Four," Shining replied, "it went missing, what, a couple hundred years ago?"

"Three hundred and seven years, to be exact," Blue October said, "it was listed as an Item Which is Monitored due to its abnormal properties."

"This is the definitive work of Boom Rocker, the greatest pyrotechnician who ever lived. It describes spells that should be impossible, but can still be cast," Firecracker said, sitting on the ground and clutching the book to her chest. "It defines methods of creating explosives that can only be made by ponies who've read it, and has existed since the early Classical Era-"

"Firecracker, you're going nerdy on us again," Jetstream chided.

"Hmph. This is the finest collection of pyrotechnical knowledge in the world," Firecracker huffed, reminding Shining Armor very strongly of his sister, "it's hardly my fault if you can't appreciate the magnitude of its importance." She gleefully rubbed her cheek on the book's cover. Shining was suddenly given to wonder if Firecracker was distantly related to his family, or if something about Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns made its graduates act this way.

"Our guy's waking up," Cola pointed out. Indeed, the unknown unicorn was slowly opening his eyes.

"Well, good morning. Or afternoon, really," Shining greeted the stallion, "I'm pretty sure I told you this already, but I'm Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard, and I have a pressing need to ask you a few questions." When the pony in his force field didn't reply, Shining continued, "let's start with your name, shall we?"

"Bite me," the prisoner spat.

"Your parents didn't like you too much, did they, Bite Me?" Shining asked sardonically, "so, how did you get your hooves on the Enchiridion of Explosive Excellence?"

"You really think I'm gonna tell you that?"

"Were you the one causing explosions in Dodge Junction?"

"Are you a mindless dog of the Princesses?"

"Woof. Also, you're under arrest on suspicion of felony battery, illegal use of explosives, and possession of an NRS-Documented Object. That list is subject to expand depending on what we find in that barn you just blew a hole in. I've got a feeling you'll be more cooperative after a few days in prison, Bite Me."

---

"Now then, we have a few orders of business today," Shining Armor told the members of the Nonrational Service assembled in the central room of their underground offices. "First, Item Three-Twenty-Four, the Enchiridion of Explosive Excellence, is now in the Extranormal Documentation Vault," he motioned to a clearly-labeled door in one wall, "it is not to leave the Vault under any circumstances. Normal information-control procedures apply. You're cleared to read it, although Boom Rocker somehow enchanted the thing so only ponies with pyrotechnical cutie marks can actually see what's on the pages. Firecracker, we may have a use for the information in that book, so feel free to give it a once-over. Don't any of you go talking about it on the outside, however. It may be useful, but it's still Monitored, got it?" The other ponies nodded, Firecracker grinning like a filly on Hearth's Warming Eve, and Shining continued, "the stallion we got it from is in the Canterlot Castle dungeon, he still won't give us any information. We're keeping him until he tells us something useful, I've got a feeling the Enchiridion isn't the only Monitored Item he's had his hooves on. Hopefully he'll tell us where he got it soon, or at least tell me his name, because pretending to think it's actually 'Bite Me' is getting old. Lastly, Lieutenant Cherry Cola, consider yourself officially a member of the Equestrian Royal Guard's Nonrational Service. We probably could've gotten you out if it if the whole thing had turned out to be mundane, but since That Which is Monitored was involved, we don't really have a choice but to keep you around, so welcome to the NRS, and I'm sorry I dragged you into it."

"It's not a problem, Captain," Cherry Cola said, "I've wanted to join the Guard since I was a colt. It's an honor to serve you, sir."

"No need for formality," Shining answered with a grin. "I'll give you a tour of the facilities later. This Incident is officially closed. Ponies, dismissed."

Author's Note:

The Nonrational Service! Shining Armor takes it seriously so we don't have to!

Comments

[trevtin2]

first view. Just needed to get that out of the way

[Valhuir]

Sorry if I spoil something, but I foresee a chapter titled "The Hunt for Blue October"

[Basic Information]

I love the story, but I honestly hate how most writing is structured on this sight.
I mean I've read several stories (yours the best so far) But they all lack proper spacing. It almost makes me not want to read them at all sometimes. But again your story is amazing, just take this as constructive criticism.

[Bitt_Player]

3639022
I had honestly not even thought of that, but now I just might steal that idea from you. 'Cause yeah, that'd be pretty cool.