This is my first fanfic, so please comment me so that I can imrpove my work. It's because of you guys that writers become famous. It only got a teen rating because of the beginning, and even then its not that gruesome, but better safe then sorry! The tags might change as the story progresses, so keep your eyes peeled. All right, enough introductions, let the story begin . . .
A pegasus with a dark past has been brought back from the eternal inferno, given a chance at Paradise if he is able to give salvation to a certain boastful mare, or risk being thrown back into the fire, along with the mare he pledged to save. But as the tension escalates when demonic presences begin to emerge from an ancient evil, howling for the blood of the living, the colt's goal for redemption soon turns into a war between two arcane beings of great power, a war he will have to fight in if he wishes to enter Paradise, and save the land of the living.
Before I go on, I seriously reccomend you fix the typos in your description. This is well written and your description doesn't reflect that, at all. This could use with some spacing (specifically the giant wall of text) but other than that, bravo. But if you really want this to gain a lot more attention, fix that description...seriously, I came in expecting this to be horrible because of that and I was proven oh-so-very-wrong.
(Geez, I said "description" three times...way to go vocabulary...)
165917
Thanks for the advice, man!
Sorry for the language and not having too much action in this chapter
. I am really tired right now
, but I promise you, the next chapter will be more interesting.
Also, in a completely irrelevent thing I want to mention, Pinkie Pie is so much fun to write, I can practically feel like I'm her whenever I write her dialogue
But Applejack, is just so difficult for me because as a kid, I was always taught proper english and grammar, and so whenever I write her dialogue, it's justso confusing!
Do you guys agree with me?
Hey, I was just wondering if someone could make a title image for my fanfic. I will be forever grateful if you did, and maybe even write a fanfic dedicated to who ever makes it! Okay, thanks.
Well, I've read it all until now and I have a few things to say:
The premise you made is interesting, it's really odd to see a fanfic with a start like this one, based on the prologue, this universe is not as "utopic" as others make it seem, and the fact that there are other ponies going to "hell" is an interesting addition.
The story until now is fine, really, you can take it anywhere from where you ended the first chapter, to see if you'll use the adventure tag, or remain with the slice of life chapters.
A lot of people wouldn't like how you characterized Trixie here, as some say that she needs to be arrogant and demanding ALL the time, or because it's a trait that defines her, other people would complain because there are a lack of fics where Trixie is famous and renowned, but you actually handled that in a different way, although a little overused (trixie's revenge will be her undoing).
However, some people are not all people, you keep writing what YOU want, it's the most common mistake to instead write FOR people.
The other more delicate point is Dust Trail, while a pony that came out of the literal hell is something you don't want to mess with, you have to really watch out how you write him, you don't want a classical "gary stu/ mary sue" inserted with the mane6 and whatnot, I hope you can characterize him even more in future chapters, as you left a lot of potential in his backstory and not exploiting it to explain his actions would be a mistake, just remember to do it reasonably, as readers don't like stuff that puts them on a pedestal.
Yes, there are some typos here and there, but your overall grammar and mechanics is pretty good.
On the personal side of things, I love reading these kind of fics, and i actually haven't read many COMPLETED ones like these, also, a break from the usual shippings is nice to me, continue your effort, you can make this a pretty good fic, even if some people dislike OC's, just keep it on the logical side of things and consistently write your characters and everything is going to be fine and dandy.
And yes, Applejack is a challenge to write, if you're having trouble writing her dialogues, check another fic to see a sample.
Trixie Is Best Pony
And you have my support
169732
Don't worry, as the story progresses, Trixie will show more of her arrogant Sid, Dust Trail will reveal more of his past, and other things you might be asking will be revealed. I will explain EVERYTHING, but LATER, so just wait for later chapters. Thank you for the advice, though, it was really needed!
175256
I know, just let the story explain itself, bro.
Hey is Dust trial by any chance related to
?
Just one minor criticism. Please don't use multiple equal signs for splitting up the scenes. Some readers use a voice reader and it can get annoying for characters to be repeated over and over again. May I suggest a single ~ instead?
Otherwise great story!