The Ponies take over our lands. The lands we have works so very hard to create, to earn, and to develop.
We have started wars on this land. we have started wars FOR land.
We, the human race, have worked to far. killed to much, and survived to long to be exterminated like pests.
I stand here now as the last human on earth. There's no hope for me, or for my race. but the purple unicorn in front of me dares to ask the question that every other pony has asked before: Why do we fight?
(Rated teen for course language and slight death)
Big thanks to cshadd for the updated (and better) cover art
Chapters (1)
This needs editing. Spelling is OK, usage and mechanics are *not*.
In my opinion, this story would work better with Twilight as the narrator or viewpoint character, so that you could show us Twilight's opinions and feelings as the protagonist's speech changes them.
Well, the grammer needs work and the ending, while good, is slightly anti-climatic, but other than that, it's good. Still, I wish you would continue, it would be interesting to see the effects of the conversation linger on Twilight.
Eh it was ok but it didnt feel like you were telling a story with this and the ending was pretty boring so not going to vote.
not bad
1928769
Eh, it was my first time making a tragic/sad story much less a conversion bureau story. i simply wanted to say what came to mind and what i would say if i was in that situation
sorry your right, not much of a story and for that i respect your choice not to vote
In my own nonprofessional opinion, I think you did very well. Just a few spelling and grammar mistakes here and there.
woah so many likes so quick, think this is gonna get featured? or am i dreaming to far in
Loved this! Fantastic!
Cheers!
The grammar needs work and some of the mechanics are a bit awkward.
Ending was a bit anticlimactic.
Other than that, it was pretty good. The "Not So Different Speech" was pretty well done to. And the demonstration of how freaky the newfoals are was perfect.
- *It's
- Missing verb.
- Lavender Unicorn isn't a proper verb, so it doesn't need to be capitalized.
- You need a comma at the end of "Human".
- That "S" in "Started" shouldn't be capitalized.
- *an
- That period needs to be a comma.
- Improper capitalization.
- Improper capitalization, and the period needs to be a comma.
- Capitalize names.
- *whose
- Capitalize the first word of your sentence.
- Forgive my flippant remark at this point, but is your shift key broken?
- *I've
- That period needs to be a comma.
- *You can't
Go here and look up self-editing tips. In the mean time, have this...
inboundmarketingagents.com/Portals/160334/images/you%20tried%20star-resized-600.png
Remember Bill Cosby's words: "There is no work that is undignified so long as you do it well."
The weather question was a good touch.
A concise message. Not bad, but not great. I like TCB stories, and this is the kind I like, but this felt rushed. Still, you can get a lot of follwers with this kind of writing if you edit a bit more.
Good, now go back and proofread the thing and you might get one more like.
I know you're not asking for a review, but I could give you some thoughts anyway.
On substance: The weather question, on its own, was clearly the best bit of this story. Otherwise the ponies' motivations and earlier actions seem unfathomably crazy, as far as I can tell. Some of the fic, more or less, makes for this week's "Humans Aren't Bastards -monologue". Really, those come up a couple of times per month.
On method: Others have already pointed out the need for some edits.
On meaning: The moral of the story seems to be "Do your research; don't start fixing bad into worse". I like the Conversion Bureau concept and the themes that can be explored within, but I'm not really sure how the theme here fits that concept.
I hope I've managed to give some food for thought.
I'll consider reading this at some point, though I might wait to see if it gets edited at all first.
I have fixed the "obvious" errors that Reginald1648 has uprooted for me.
I also found some of my own that i fixed. so overall there should be little to no more errors left
but who am i kidding i not perceptive enough to pick up on my own errors. so if you guys find anymore mistakes. telling me would be much
appreciated.
for people who say the ending was anticlimactic and boring I feel in the writing mood and may create a "bad end" version of this story or maybe a "difficult end"
Hint hint: Two angry princesses + being surrounded by brainwashed ponies + a sorry unicorn = what?
I personally don't think that you should do an alternate ending. This gets the message across and leaves the reader with a solemn feeling. Now, the only things we are left to wonder is what will Twilight Sparkle's life be like now that she has seen the error of her ways, and what will become of the last human?
_∏_
-_Ƣ ~ Good show.
Human pulls out nuke: "see you in hell bitches"
I wonder if it's possible to 'fix' the conversion and restore the victims? Twilight and the rest trying could be a decent sequel.
2340116
Sounds like a far shot
There is a bunch of Anti-conver stories where the PER creates a Anti-pone suit thats immune to the effects or makes a Humanification potion turning newfoals and natives into humans again or for the first time/
What I would really like to see made (Not doing it myself) is a reverse story where humans invade equestria and turn ponies into humans. that would be pretty sweet
I love the title image that you used. I have an updated version right here: http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/137/a/1/the_conversion_bureau_whe___un_ihsa_hlf_flag_by_cshadd-d65m1cn.png.
2617900
Oooh nice, can I use that for mine?
2620518 Sure...
2620795
Thanks, Also, big fan of your Cb story. really well done
Capital Letters...
Missing paragraph indentations
With difficulty I forced my head Missing space before With, and force was in the wrong tense.
Gravity was now
heavyfar stronger in this one particular spot, with thefor theairwasvisibly moving toward the ground More of a word choice kind of writing style edit. Nothing wrong exactly, but a bit awkwardPonies all gathered around us: Pegasi, Unicorn and Earth ponies of all ages,
gathered with Potionsready to throw it at the human Former human means he's already been converted.Twilight looked at her friends
who werein thegatheringcongregation of ponies,theywho shrugged in confusion. Repetition of gathering, tenses, etc."Mr. human" Twilight started, "I don't understand you at all. We're not killing you, these next words to leave your mouth are not going to be your last, but
insteadthe first of many as a brand new pony! Don't you want that? Don't you want to be free of your cursed body, and to be released of your burden as a human? Humans are bad. but you, as a spirit, as an entity, are not.If we thought that humans couldn't be purified then we WOULD have just killed you all off, but we wanted to spare you of that fate. Every living thing deserves a second chance.
sinceIt's not your fault you were born a human, it's not your fault that you are dirty, primitive, barbaric, bloodthirsty and trigger happy. Becoming a pony will purge all those aspects of you and bring out your true meaning.Twilight and I examined the audience's
theory I sacrificed one
Young mare, Say something about the weather
Say somethingcommanded.
etc,etc,etc,etc,etc,etc,etc,etc.
Then the last human on earth uses his singularness to track down what transforms humans to ponies and sticks it into nuclear missiles, hoping it doesn't cause everything to crap out, in place of the nuclear warheads. He ignores the radiation poisoning because, who cares? He then launches the nukes by tricking a pony into using magic to "find out how to make the *fireworks* shoot" on the computers to link them together and make them go off at once.
He dies of radiation poisoning BUT! Humanity has been changed back and wreaks a bloody toll on the ponies. Through the use of unmodified Nukes.
Yes, he doesn't know how nuclear missiles work, but desperation breeds a lot of "don't care, gonna do it anyway" kind of mentality.
Humanity wtf wins big time.
THE. END!
He could point out that said spirit is called the HUMAN spirit. Therefore, if the human spirit is good, then humans are good. Which means ponies are bad do to their choices. Humans do bad things when it is NECESSARY. The ponies in the conversion bureau do bad things because they CHOOSE to.
Also, Twilight and those other ponies around him may start a reverse conversion saying that those humans who were changed need to attend for an "update" or something.
Of course, unknown to Twilight and her co-conspirators, those newly re-humanized humans would proceed to exterminate every last Equestrian pony in existence. And when a human exterminates, it does not mean "convert". It means butcher.
Sucks for her. Oh well, who cares. They earned it. After all, the only reason the conversion worked to turn them into ponies is because most of them actively chose to partake. If humanity had fought in the first place the ponies would have been wiped out with hilarious ease. Also, their weapons, tools, and equipment are still intact and present, just not being used by the ponies (who can't).
HAHA!
Awesome!
Sit back and let me tell you my ending, very simple actually. Search all of America for the codes to luanch all of the nukes and fire them at equestria when they drop the shield thinking all of the humans have died, actually I would set a timer then walk up to the capital after the shields have dropped then asked to speak to Celestia, right before all of the nukes explode on Canterlot I would yell "HAVE FUN IN HELL BITCH, AMERICA FUCK YEA!!!!"
Says the "scientist" that thinks her country's rulers are gods and raise the Celestial bodies.
4678605 well, when you think about it, they genuinely do seem to move them. They completely stopped when Celestia and Luna vanished... though if I were her, I'd question the fact that it is known that unicorns USED to raise the sun and moon, but now only the Sisters know how. Sounds like they're trying to effectively neuter their subjects' freedom. These are the people who can destroy the world if you pill them off. With our governments, it's different. It takes a LOT of us to use enough atomic weapons to destroy the planet and all life on it. Just takes two with the sisters. And yet, she hasn't questioned it in the slightest.
4915764 Hmm.
4916053 of course, it's indirect, but still.
4916131 I hear you.
4916149 I like to think of them being more like alarm clocks than actually doing the deed. The spell is basically shouting "Yo, SUN! Get yur fat ass up and start makein shit grow!" into the sky. It would explain why she was so weak when fighting Chrysalis.
4916414 "Sun, stop trying to fooken kill all plant life on the planet!"
4917758 yes.
4934859 Heh.
4936052 banana.
4968902 Ok......
This story is STILL getting Likes? I guess I should do something in regards to this story's popularity... Perhaps a sequel?
5225074 If you do a sequel, actually make it more than 2,000 words of freaking lecturing. I was actually pretty bored reading this. Seriously, the dude is lecturing them while crabwalking over potion, fighting being pushed into it, and yet he has the lung power to lecture them?!
Also, if you do make a sequal, I fucking challenge you do break the mold of every other ATCB and make it someone else's fault than Celestia that all this went down. I've honestly never seen anyone actually do that.
5225579
I'm already working on the sequel. without spoiling too much I'll tell you that the story is centered around twilight and how she takes what happened in this story. Celestia will be the natural antagonist along with several other ponies as minor or side antagonists. Rest assured I will try to stir it up a little different than most other Conversion bureau stories.
5225624 The moment you mentioned Celestia was the main antagonist, any hope I had withered away. It's been done so many times it's not even funny. I've never seen Luna or Cadance or even fucking Sombra and Discord take the blame for causing the slaughter. Even worse is a fucking alicorn OC is more than welcome here because every ATCB that uses Celestia as antagonist has her so far out of character it might as well be an OC. Let me guess you were going to play Twilight as in character when she wasn't for most of this story?
I'm willing to bet Celestia's reasons are stupidly flawed and have holes big enough to thread the sun through. Also willing to bet the human character from this shows up for a boring as hell "reason you suck" speech. If there is some malevolent being controlling Celestia, that too has been done.
5225699
You are pointing off many diffenet clichés im not going to be using. I've read a fair amount of CB stories and i'm planning on evading a lot of clichés i've seen in a lot of them.
As for twilight im pretty sure after what happened in this story, shes definetly not going to be the same
5226579 But you are going with Celestia being a villain just like every other ATCB out there so what's really going to set this story apart? Twilight turning on her mentor because of a single argument by a human has been done before as well.
5225699
B-b-but celestia is my waifu~!!!
More seriously, people like to write stories about good turning bad. Celestia is the paragon of all that is good and righteous for ponies. Maybe she secretly pays crime rings just to have her Royal Guards hunt them down later, therefore looking righteous for having caught an evildoer. Maybe she has to cast an entire other race as evil for the purpose of appearing (to her ponies) to be on the good side, still. Or maybe she tries to investigate a mysterious artifact to keep pre-alicorn Twilight safe, and accidentally got corrupted, or was hit while her guard was down, or any number of things.
Villains (Sombra, Discord, etc) are harder to write. They're attacking, say, Appaloosa, why? Appaloosa has maybe a good apple farm, and all the villains were already beaten in canon so they already know the ponies have at least one weapon to use against them. Chrysalis got loved to death, Discord got rainbow'd, NMM got rainbow'd, Sombra got energized to death. It's not hard to see the villains either need to do something the artist wouldn't know how to write or be so out of character or overpowered you'd have Mary Sues running all over the place just to justify the main villain not being rainbow'd to death yet.
5227775 Even if I had a waifu (and I utterly loathe that term) it wouldn't be a pony. I like MLP but not that much.
Or maybe too many bronies can't make an actual compelling villain and thus resort to making a pre-existing good character evil because reasons. Seriously, it's been done so many times it's not even funny. With ATCB, every single fucking one has Celestia as an antagonist and why?
Well for the first few ATCBs, it was an immature reaction to Chatoyence's admittedly hyper self-righteous Celestia. Many didn't stoop to insulting her as did many others, but they basically decided to take it out on Celestia who was Chatoyence's mouthpiece a lot of the time. Since that's calmed down, now most authors do it because following the leader is an excellent way to break out into writing. It's lazy as hell.
Um, no. No, they are not. If anyone puts even the slightest amount of thought into it, they can write a villain. Hell, villains are often the most fun to write.
That made no sense whatsoever. Basic pattern recognition would help a lot of these villains. Hell, not stopping to laugh triumphantly at their enemies supposed defeat, would have helped three of them. Sombra's only sin was being a little too slow. And the Elements have a blatantly weakness in that they need all the elements present to work. Aside from that, do not assume people can't write an effective villain and not fall into these traps because they can and do! Fimfic is filled with stories that make the villains competent enough not to act like a moron.
This bit right here:
This is idiotic, frankly. All the villains have to do is show a little awareness to avoid the big rainbow. This doesn't mean they get powers they didn't have previously, it means the heroes will actually have to work at taking the bad guy down and not having to rely on the overly convenient fix all maguffin to do it! Having a functional brain does not a Mary Sue make, that is something else entirely.
5230223 This is starting to be less about the fic itself and more about an argument. Let's stop.