Previous Chapters Next
Close
First Impressions2,916 words
Hugs2,972 words
Remember to Chew3,068 words
Sweetie Gets a Job5,253 words
Beetles and Memories3,402 words
The Adventure Begins2,267 words

Sweetie Gets a Job

"Why... What the hell are you wearing?"

"What? You mean my sweatpants?"

Hunter rolled his eyes."Yeah, your sweatpants. Why are you wearing them?"

"To keep the foal warm!"

He cocked an eyebrow. "You would literally go out in public with those on?"

She looked back at her back portion, contemplating his words. "Oh... Should I change the color?"

He groaned. "Ugh. You'll have given birth by the time I'm done explaining it to you."

She frowned. "Hey, I don't say anything about what you're wearing. It's all ripped and stuff, and the colors are weird. It's not even one color, it just looks like somepony splashed a bunch of square paint on you!"

Square paint...

Oh, the digital pattern.

But she's right about one thing. Your clothes have seen a lot of wear and tear since you boarded that boat.

He shook his head, coming back to reality. Upon finding himself there, he returned to the sight of two golden yellow eyes glaring at him.

He conceded. "Okay, okay, you're right. Let's just go, and maybe get some new clothes later or something."

Assuming that there's a shop that sells human clothes.

Derpy nodded, the usual ditzy smile plastered on her face. She walked to the door and waited patiently for her compadré.

Due to his injured legs, he was having trouble getting off the couch. He used his arms to try and lift himself, but his chest felt like it would rip apart if he strained. His legs, of course, wouldn't do any heavy lifting either.

After a few minutes of grunting and panting, he settled on keeping his knees bent and sliding off the couch in a squatting position. Slowly, steadily, he elevated himself up to full height.

As he approached Derpy's side, he heard stifled giggles escape her mouth.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing," she answered, before covering up her mouth as more giggles left her.

"You're laughing, aren't you?"

She just continued to produce smothered laughter. Seeing as how he wouldn't get a straight answer, Hunter thought back.

Let's see... So you were having trouble getting off the couch. I don't see what was so funny about that.

Maybe it was the grunting sounds you were making?

You eventually got up by putting yourself in a squatting position, and-

Oh, the squatting.

By the time he was done thinking it over, Derpy had calmed her fits of laughter to minimal bursts.

"So, you were laughing because it looked like I was defecating?"

She cocked her head, oblivious to the meaning of the word. "What's defscibating?"

Um... he thought, looking for a subtle way to phrase it. "Emptying your bowels?"

Very subtle.

She still looked confused. "Emptying your bowls? Like eating?"

"Oh, for the love of... Pooping!"

Derpy started giggling again. "Oh, okay Sweetie. I get what you're saying now."

"Did you seriously not know what I was getting at?"

She smiled devilishly. "I knew what you were saying all along. I just wanted to hear you say 'poop'."

Hunter stared blankly.

"I underestimate you, Derpy," he muttered.

She walked past him to the door, nose high in victory. "I know my Bathroom, Sweetie."

----------

"Are you sure you don't want to lean on me, or something?"

"Like I said, Derpy, I'm fine."

The duo walked through town, Hunter using a pony crutch as a walking stick and Ditzy showing off her new sweatpants.

For once, Derpy seemed to know what she was talking about. The sight of Hunter would elicit gasps from passers by, but once they saw he was with Derpy, their fear would turn to more of a surprised curiosity.

This... is actually going well.

Too well. Something bad's gonna happen.

Don't be such a pessimist. You came out here to relax, remember?

Taking a deep breath and ignoring the stares he was receiving, he decided to observe the scenery.

Wow. This is... Colorful.

Cottages and two-story apartments lined the streets. They were all painted bright colors that utterly clashed with each other.

The sounds of stringed music wafted from an open window and spilled onto the streets. It was pleasant, relaxing.

Hunter sighed. He could get used to this.

They soon came to a part of town filled with stalls, coffee shops and gift shops. Performers did stunts, entertainers played music, and the murmuring of a crowd of ponies all talking at once added to the 'center of town' feeling.

A loud, high voice cut through the tranquil mood like a machete through a goat's neck.

"BUY SOME APPLES! MAKE SURE YOU- B-b-b-b-buy-"

The voice faltered, either nervous or shocked. Or both. Hunter turned to the source, smirking.

A little red-maned filly sat behind an apple stall, mouth agape and eyes wide.

"Hey Applebloom!" Derpy waved, as if she didn't see the alien walking besides her.

"H-h-hey M-Miss Hooves... Who's t-that?" she pointed at Hunter.

Derpy smiled. "That's Sweetie. He's a human. He's staying in my living room!" Then, proudly, she added, "He lets me fuck him a lot!"

"Wait..." Applebloom's mouth opened wider. "A human? Ya mean like in the old pony's tales?"

Derpy nodded, grinning as if Hunter was a well-earned trophy.

Applebloom hopped down from a stool and hesitatingly approached him.

She stopped mere inches from his leg, looking him up and down from head to toe. She had to take a step back to take in his full height.

"Am I really that interesting?" he joked half-sarcastically.

"Wow, Ah've always wanted ta meet a hoomin!" she squealed and hugged his leg.

Applebloom's hug felt like a hundred needles had just gone right through his skin and pricked his bone.

Trying to suppress a scream, Hunter sucked in a lungful of air. However, his clenched jaws made the air pass through in concentrated streams through the gaps in his teeth, producing a hiss.

His hiss made Applebloom scream and jump back, attracting the attention of any pony within earshot.

"What's going on?" asked a voice all too familiar to Hunter.

Oh no... The pink menace.

Pinkie Pie stared, disbelieving. "Sweetie, why would you hiss at a filly? All she did was hug you!"

Hunter replied defensively. "It was an accident! My shins are burnt, they hurt like hell!"

"It's true!" Derpy said, coming to his aid, "He has burns and cuts all over his legs! See?" she poked his shin with a hoof.

He yelped, pulling away his leg. He stared daggers at Derpy.

She shrugged innocently. "I needed to show them you were really hurt."

"Well, I trust you, Sweetie." Pinkie smiled brightly. "Just remember: I got my EYE on YOU!"

This is... Really confusing.

Don't try to figure her out. Think about your sanity.

"You there! Do not take another step!"

Hunter looked to see a group of armor-clad ponies rushing over and encompassing him, Derpy, and Applebloom in a circle.

"Don't touch the filly, or the mare, or else your hoof comes off." He pointed a spear at him.

"Come on, little filly," a guard at the other side of the circle cooed, "It's alright. He won't hurt you. Just come to me."

"Fer yer information, Ah'm eight years old, mister! And ah know he won't hurt me, ah just touched his tender spot!" she argued rebelliously.

Two orange hooves shot out from the growing crowd and grabbed her hind legs. She shot backwards, arms flailing as she left the ground.

"Ah got 'er! She's fine now!"

"Applejack! What are you-"

Hunter spotted an orange mare in a stetson dragging away the smaller one. "C'mon, Applebloom. We're goin' home," she said gruffly.

How ironic. A horse wearing a cowboy hat.

All eyes turned back to the matter at hoof.

"Step away from the mare, ma'am."

"Ma'am? Are you kidding me?"

"Whatever you are. I can't tell."

Derpy took up a defensive stance in front of him. "I'm not leaving Sweetie! He's not a monster, he's a very nice gentlecolt!" She then whispered frantically, "Sweetie, I can't keep on making things up! You're going to have to do something!"

She didn't notice his frown.

The guard spoke again. "Whether or not he is an immediate threat, we have received orders from Princess Celestia directly to bring any and all aliens to her at once!"

The crowd murmured with whispers.

So, this Princess Celestia knew I was here? It think I'll take note of that.

"And what's she gonna do to him?" Derpy barked.

The guard seemed taken aback. "W-well, that is up to the regal judging of the princess herself! As for you, if you do not move immediately, we will be forced to arrest you for defiance of authority."

"Just try," she replied coldly.

Hunter felt the KA-BAR on his side, but looked to the number of guards around him. There were at least a dozen.

I could pull out my pistol, but after I'm done massacring helpless ponies, what then? More will come, and I eventually run out of ammo?

He raised his hands in surrender. "I give up."

Derpy looked up at him, confused. "But, Sweetie, they'll-"

THWOK!

It was the last thing Hunter heard before the ringing.

That damn ringing again.

----------

"And that's the story of my whole entire life! Well, up until today. Do you want to hear about today?"

Fluttershy smiled. "Oh, yes please!"

"Well," he began, but something caused his eyes to go wide and his jaw to drop.

Twilight suddenly spun around, jolting Spike away from Fluttershy and coming face to face with the butter yellow pegasus.

"I am sorry! How did we get here so fast? This is where I'm staying while in Ponyville, and my poor baby dragon needs his sleep!"

Spike didn't even protest. "Twilight, what's that over-"

Before he knew it, he had landed on his hindquarters with an oomph!

"Aw, wook at dat! He's so sweepy he can't even keep his widdle bawanse!"

The dragon frowned and frantically tried to get her attention. "Twilight, this is serious! There's a monster over there!"

He was swooped up into the caring hooves of Fluttershy. "Oh, poor thing! He must be hallucinating! We must get him to bed!"

His stuttering seemed to only be further proof of his sleepiness, as nopony seemed to pay attention to a word he said.

She took him inside and set him down, saying something that Spike didn't hear. He was too deep in his thoughts about the monster.

The monster... It looked familiar... Like maybe it was from the old myths...

Fluttershy was pushed out the door, and Spike just sat there in his own little world.

"Thanks for pretending for me, Spike," Twilight said as she searched for the light switch.

He shook his head. "I wasn't pretending, Twi! I saw a monster out there! He was being carried by some guards-"

Once again, he was cut off. Any thoughts about the monster were instantly incinerated in the rapid brightening of the room.

"SURPRISE!" a hundred voices screamed at once.

----------

Rinnng...

It was still in his ears when he woke up in the hospital bed.

He must have taken a hard hit to the head.

A bullet will do that.

What even happened back there?

He sat up, perhaps a bit too quickly. Vertigo overtook him, and he fell backwards as the room spun in a vortex around him.

"Eager to get up now, are we?"

The spinning slowed, and as he came to his senses, he recognized the voice.

"Keller?"

A tall, masculine figure moved towards him.

His friend seemed to shift from side to side, going from left to right and then returning to his original spot. The sight was nauseating, and made Hunter shut his eyes.

"You seem to have gotten smarter ever since you were knocked out. Yeah, it's me."

Hunter weakly smiled. Good ol' Keller.

"Greg... What happened after I got knocked out?"

His eyes weren't even open, but he could tell the question made Greg uneasy. "Well, to tell you the truth, I thought they put a seven-six-two round right in your head. So I kicked their asses. I shot out that window, and hit five of 'em."

Hunter opened his eyes, half-lidded slits staring in disbelief.

Greg saw this. He grinned. "Yep. After I realized you were still breathing, I dragged you away from the window and waited for reinforcements. Luckily, none of them tangos tried to come in after us. Probably scared," he shrugged.

Hunter chuckled. It was funny the way his friend belittled the enemy.

In the state he was in, there was only one thing he could think to say,"Thanks."

The words weren't much more than a barely audible croak, but they carried weight.

"No problem, brother," Greg replied, saluting before stepping out of the room.

Hunter sighed, the slight encounter leaving him exhausted. Or maybe it was the painkillers? He couldn't tell for sure.

He nodded off, snoring lightly as he drifted into the comfortable embrace of sleep.

----------

Hunter awoke, head throbbing. He was in an unfamiliar but comfortable bed.

Why can't I ever wake up without a headache and no recollection of where I am?

He felt a warm rumbling on his chest, and found Derpy sleeping soundly atop him.

Of course.

He tried to move his arms, but with the clinging of metal, his wrists were yanked back.

This seemed to wake her. She jumped up, managing to land a hind hoof right on his unmentionables.

"Goddammit, Derpy!"

His legs also seemed to be chained to the bed he was in, making it impossible for him to defend himself against this attack on his tender spots.

"Oh, sorry Sweetie!" she tried to jump off of the bed, but an identical chain on her other hind hoof dragged her back and caused her to sprawl out beside Hunter. She sat up, leaning over him and cooing tenderly, "Do you want me to make it feel better?"

His frown deepened. "Please don't."

Right then, two guards rushed into the room.

"We heard yelling. What's going on?" one of them asked.

Derpy and Hunter glanced at each other, then Hunter answered, "Everything's fine. I just-"

"Shut up, alien! You have no rights here, and anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law!"

"Then why did you ask-"

"Silence! We were talking to the mare!"

Derpy's mouth formed an 'o', then she giggled and waved a hoof aside. "It's alright. Sweetie is just a bit... Jumpy this morning."

The two guards looked at each other, then turned back to the spectacle before them. The first one spoke, "Well, then. If everything is fine..." they began walking towards the door, "But if 'it' gives you any trouble, just holler. We'll be right outside."

"Okay. Thank you."

The two exited the room.

"Okay..." Hunter said, craning his neck to scratch his head with his chained hand.

Derpy stood over him. "You looked like you were going to ask me something. Were you going to ask me something?"

No, he thought, but I guess I do have some questions.

"Yeah, sure."

"So what were you going to ask?"

"Well, how about about this?" He tugged on the chain attached to his wrist. "I mean, what all happened back there?"

Derpy's face scrunched up into a little frown. "Well, they hit you on the head and brought you here to the Canterlot Palace. We're in one of the comfort suites right now."

His eyebrow cocked. So instead of a dungeon, I'm being kept in here. Obviously this Celestia, or whoever's holding me prisoner, wants to negotiate with me.

Hunter brought himself out of his thoughts, looking back to Derpy. "Alright, that tells me a lot. But it brings another question to mind. Why are you in here?"

Her expression became serious; one of duty. "I needed to keep an eye on you, to make sure you were safe."

He found that pretty funny, but didn't say anything. "Oh okay, thanks. But why are you chained up?"

She went from serious to embarrassed in the blink of an eye.

"I... Uh, I attacked a guard."

A grin etched its way onto Hunter's lips. "You what?"

"After he hit you on the head, I jumped on him and... Well, I guess I went kind of crazy." Derpy halfway hid behind her bangs. "I just didn't like him hurting you."

For the first time since meeting her, he actually admired the little grey pegasus.

"That's... That's awesome, Derpy."

She blushed and waved a hoof. "Oh stop it, you."

The guard from earlier burst inside, opening his mouth to speak.

"Thanks for knocking."

The guard shot an angry glare at Hunter for his interruption, but curtly stated, "The Princess wishes to have an audience with you."

Derpy looked shocked. "Me?"

----------

Hunter trudged through the halls of the Canterlot Palace, wrists and ankles chained.

He almost wished he had company. Derpy had not been allowed to follow him, and had to stay locked up in that room. Consequently, she threw a fit.

Hunter felt genuinely lucky to have met her first. She took him in, 'fed' him, and even tried to protect him.

She's done a lot for me. I'm surprised at the amount of loyalty she's shown, even if it hasn't proven to be very useful.

"Halt!" one of the escorting guards yelled in his ear. Hunter was ready to deliver an angry headbutt to the guard, but held himself.

Steady, Hunter. First impressions, remember?

He thought back to his first encounter with Derpy.

Yeah. Definitely first impressions.

"We are just outside the throne room of Princess Celestia! Do not try anything unreasonable or brash, as we have many units guarding the perimeter, and there will be five of us standing right outside this door."

"Oh? Thanks for giving me your battle plan. I promise not to try anything unreasonable."

The great double doors were opened, and Hunter was shoved inside. His ankles and wrists in the state of being bound, he had nothing to protect himself as he tripped and landed on his face.

He looked back angrily. As the doors closed, he saw the mocking smile of the guard who pushed him.

What a dick.

A glowing aura surrounded him and a force took hold of him, leaving him unable to move. He panicked for a moment, trying to fight against his invisible opponent, until at last he was set upright on his feet.

"Do not worry. He will not remain without reprimand."

That voice. It was soft as silk.

Hunter looked up. His eyes met a sight of paramount majesty, one of impressive grace.

Princess Celestia sat at her throne, radiating the beauty of a thousand maiden nymphs.

Beauty, however, was not a trait Hunter appreciated well.

"I sure hope not," he grunted, brushing a piece of fuzz off his shoulder. The carpet was seemingly dustless.

The Princess did not seem at all surprised by his curt words.

"I understand the reasons behind your rather undignified behavior, but let me remind you that here, Princesses are treated with a culture of respect."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "And I understand that in a negotiation, you want the other party to cooperate. Correct me if I'm wrong, but knocking them out and holding them prisoner isn't the best tactic."

Celestia smiled. "Smart man. So you understand I wish to make a deal with you?"

"Yes. And my answer is no thanks."

She held a devious grin, as if she had some kind of trick up her coat. "Steve, do you ever feel a longing for... home?"

She had his attention now. He lent an ear, now more willing to hear her out.

Seeing this, Celestia took the opportunity to explain how she had learned of his presence in Equestria, and went over possible theories of how he had gotten here. It was mildly interesting, he had to admit, but he couldn't pay attention when something terrible caught his eye.

The pink menace.

Is behind.

Celestia's.

throne.

There she was. The semi-psychotic being was in a spy suit behind the throne, flashing him a thumbs-up.

Hunter froze. He really had no idea what to do.

"...After all that's happened, wouldn't you agree?"

Should I warn Celestia? From what I've seen, this Pinkie character is quite unpredictable.

"Are you alright in there? Have I been droning on too long?"

Hunter shook his head, simultaneously awakening himself and answering the Princess's question in the same motion. He was going to voice his concern, but Pinkie Pie was no longer visible.

Maybe I just imagined it. After all, with that one theory of Celestia's-

"Are you sure you're okay? You seem to be someplace else."

He blinked, wondering if the pink mare would reappear before him. She did not.

"Uh, yeah. Tired is all."

"I understand. It must be stressful, being in a completely new world, away from everything and everyone you know. Am I correct in saying so?"

He nodded. "Does this deal have anything to do with my home?"

"Yes," she said, magically removing his binds with her magic. "Remember, if you choose to decide against it, then you are free to go as you please."

"...Thanks," he said. His cuffs hit the ground with a clang, a testament to his freedom. "So what are the terms of this deal?"

"You see, there is an event coming up called the Summer Sun Celebration. A national holiday, if you will. Seeing as how it consists of staying up all night partying until sunrise, some ponies tend to get a little... wild. I just need a bodyguard, one who I know is capable."

"I see... And what do I receive in return?"

"You get to go home."

Hunter smiled. It was a complete no-brainer. Everything about the deal was perfect.

Too perfect.

"So what's the catch?"

She sighed. "I knew you would say that. Well, for one, I still need to perfect the spell that will send you home in one piece. It may take weeks, months even."

Hunter gulped. "I guess I could wait a little..."

Oh shit.

She's back.

Pinkie Pie was behind the throne again, urgently pointing at the bottom of her hoof. She was trying to tell him something, but he hadn't the slightest clue what.

"Wait a minute," Celestia said suddenly, narrowing her eyes. Her horn glowed green at the tip, and whites of her eyes did the same.

Suddenly, a flash of green flame engulfed the area where Pinkie Pie was sitting. It smoldered furiously, roaring for an instant until it- and Pinkie- were gone.

Hunter gaped. He couldn't believe what he just saw.

Princess Celestia smiled, as if nothing had happened. "I need to perfect that spell. Make it more precise."

Hunter was still taking it all in. "Uh-huh..."

I can't wait to get the hell out of here.

"Now, where did that scroll land?" she asked, looking around.

A pink hoof holding a sealed scroll reached over the edge of the throne and tapped the Princess on the shoulder.

Is that...

Without even a second glance, Celestia took it. "Thank you."

She looked over the paper for little more than two seconds, then crumpled it up and threw it in a nearby trash can. A few words caught Hunter's eye as the neglected letter flew through the air.

Your dearest student,

Twilight Sparkle

He heard a barely audible "Yes!" escape her lips as it hit the inside wall of the cylinder and landed at the bottom with a light thud.

She turned back to Hunter and silently smiled at him. In an eery kind of way.

Okay, is she going to say anything?

"Who in Discord's name-!"

She jumped up and spun around as fast as she could. The large throne was tossed aside like nothing, and shook the entire room when it hit the floor.

Ohh, shit.

Pinkie was revealed. She was fiddling with some goggles when she was caught.

She looked surprised, to say the least.

"Princess Celestia! You found me! Guess I'm 'it' now!"

She jumped off the elevated platform and began to trot off, but the same golden aura that surrounded Hunter earlier grabbed Pinkie by the tail and yanked her back.

She played that off surprisingly well...

"Pinkie, what are you doing here?" the Princess demanded.

Pinkie?

"Derpy wanted me to keep an eye on Sweetie for her. I'm sorry, Celly!"

Celly?

"Wait," Hunter questioned, "You know her?"

"Yes," Celestia groaned, "For the longest time, she has somehow been able to sneak past our castle security. Thanks to her, this castle may have the tightest security in existence, but she still manages to get in."

"You need to double-bar the cellar doors again!" she sang, bouncing around the room.

The Princess levitated a quill and paper over, then quickly scribbled something down.

"So, Hunter, what do you say to our little deal?"

Hunter held out his hand to shake on it, but a "Wait!!" from Pinkie Pie stopped him before he could make anything official.

The Princess rolled her eyes. "What is it now, Pinkie?"

"First of all, let's suppose it takes more than a few days to send Sweetie home. How will he support himself? He can't keep mooching off of Derpy! With the foal coming along, she'll barely have enough money to take care of herself, much less feed a giant for a week!"

She has a point.

"Secondly, he has two burnt legs and cuts all over his chest. They may be healing, but still present a danger to both of you. What if his wounds re-open, and he can't defend you from danger?"

Hunter and Celestia looked at each other. "Well, I suppose I can pay him. Technically, he will be working for me as a guard."

"But what about my injuries?"

"Hold on a second." She closed her eyes, concentrating deep.

Okay, what's she d- ZAP!

A bolt of lightning shot out from Celestia's horn and hit Hunter smack in the chest. He was knocked off his feet by the impact, somersaulting backwards a few times in the air before finally coming to rest on his back.

"You killed him!" Pinkie screamed.

"No, I healed his wounds."

Hunter moaned, "Yeah, and broke every other bone in my body. Why can't you warn me before you do something like that?"

"Better to just get it over with." She blew on her horn, which was steaming. "Stand."

With no little effort, Hunter stood.

It was true; he was healed. The burns on his shins were gone, and his chest wounds were closed, albeit there being some scars in place. Aside from a slight whiplash, Hunter was perfectly healthy.

A scroll levitated before him and unravelled itself. Giving it a quick scan, Hunter saw that it was a contract.

"So," Celestia said, "take your time on this. Let me know if there's anything you don't agree with."

Hunter read the agreement thoroughly. It seemed to be a simple employment contract, aside from the fact that it included magically sending him home in the end.

He looked up and nodded. A quill and ink pot floated over to him in a golden aura. He picked up the pen and was about to sign, when a thought crossed his mind.

"Wait."

The Princess raised an eyebrow, wondering what might be troubling him.

"I have a friend. A friend who's helped me a lot recently, and I want to return the favor."

Celestia cocked her head, interested. "Who, what, and how?"

----------

Hunter unlocked the door to his room with the key he had been given, and stepped inside.

The first thing Derpy did was try to rush over to him, but she was caught by the chain on her leg. Even so, she continued to lean towards him and get as close as she possibly could.

It reminded Hunter of a dog seeing its owner.

"Sweetie! Are you okay? Did they try to dissect you?"

He raised an eyebrow, but smiled nonetheless. He pulled a separate key out of his pocket and unlocked the cuff around her leg. She never stopped applying pressure, so as soon as the binds were opened, she shot forward and slammed into his stomach.

She clung to him and hugged him like that, hanging a few feet from the ground. Hunter watched her slowly slip downwards, until her bum softly touched the floor.

He sighed, picked her up off the ground and set her on the bed, then sat down next to her.

"So, Sweetie, you didn't tell me what happened yet!"

He grinned at her, patting her head. "Derpy, you're never going to believe it."

Author's Note:

So I just discovered this little box called "Author's Notes." It's pretty cool.

Thanks go to hwrogers for proofreading and editing!

1,748 views

118

Previous Chapters Next