Diaries of a Canterlot Librarian

by Cloud Shaker

Entry 3: Egad! Pinkie Pie!

Oh Celestia, give me strength.

How could this have even happened? She's an impossibility to all the known laws of physics, quantum mechanics, and perhaps the known universe! She could even be staring at me know, and I'd never know because she can break the Fourth wall at will.

I mustn't let her get to me. The mind is a stallion's last sanctuary, and I won't allow this- this anomaly defile it all willy nilly! She's an enemy to all logic and every fiber of my being rejects her! If knowledge and intellect are my purpose, what, then, is hers? Partying and making foolery of all the laws set forth by our sovereign deities!? Utterly preposterous! If this is a joke, Celestia, then it is a cruel one indeed. Setting me up to "relax" when the antithesis of my existence lives just down the lane where I temporarily reside.

-------------------------------Cue Flashback-------------------------------

Artemis groaned and tossed in his bed, plagued by more nightmares that had been induced by the lack of coffee in his system. Ever since he'd arrived, he'd become increasingly sour as the last dregs of caffeine he'd been running on finally petered out. Now, his system made up for it by taunting him in his sleep, creating fantastic hallucinations of coffee mugs that grew legs and quickly ran whenever he approached or of jumping coffee beans that were always just out of reach. Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, he'd been confronted by King Coffee Cake. Sixteen tiers of lovely, delicious, and caffeinated goodness was too much for him to resist, and he immediately pounced upon the king.

He had managed to subdue the King under his hooves and prepare for the first triumphant bite when something tugged on the corner of his subconscious. He tried to ignore it and proceed with eating his prey, but the tugging only grew stronger as it yanked him off the King. Sobbing at his loss, he suddenly felt the sensation of losing all sense of gravity and only moments before hitting the floor realized that he'd fallen out of bed.

"Argh!" Artemis rubbed his head and aching side, scowling. He'd been this close to nabbing some of the caffeine he had desperately needed, real or not, and brooded glumly over this fact until he caught the very familiar whiff of a pungent aroma penetrating the room. Getting up to follow his nose, Artemis made his way out of his room towards the source of the scent and realized what had tugged his mind out of his dream.

Coffee. Glorious, wondrous, ridiculously addicting coffee. He deeply breathed in more of the life-giving aroma. It was the scent of Saddle Arabian beans, a brew that he himself would so often make every morning back in Canterlot. He raised his eyebrows so high that they might have hit the ceiling were they not attached to his face. "Now then, perhaps this week shan't end so badly after all. Any pony who appreciates a fine brew of coffee can't be all that bad," he thought sagely to himself. Barely able to contain his excitement, he nonchalantly entered the kitchen where he saw Twilight Sparkle appearing to be half-dead while her dragon assistant - Spike, was it? - hurriedly finished the pot of coffee he had prepared alongside a very generous bowl of clovers and oats. Taking care not to spill any of the precious liquid on himself, Spike quickly maneuvered his way to the table and poured a cup of Joe before passing it to Twilight, who weakly gripped it with her magic. Satisfied that he'd done his job properly, Spike turned to retrieve the bowl of clover when he had noticed Artemis standing at the edge of the kitchen. "Oh, hello Mister! What would you like to eat for breakfast? We've got fresh apples, clover and oats, regular oats, wheat oats, muffins..." Spike trailed off as he noticed that Artemis seemed to be in a trance.

"Hello? Earth to Artemis?" He snapped his fingers, suddenly shaking Artemis back into reality.

"Ah. A bowl of regular oats would be fantastic, thank you. Although, I'm not really that hungry at the moment..." Artemis stared back and forth between Spike and the coffee pot he still held in his claws before finally staring intently at the coffee pot.

"Not hungry? You're just as weird as Twilight sometimes!" Spike, being oblivious to Artemis' obvious signals, completely brushed aside the subject of coffee. "She just pulled an all-nighter reading about Starswirl the Bearded's amniomorphic spell and now she's just a zombie pony!" Spike giggled a little before his face was stricken with worry. "There's no such thing as zombie ponies, right?"

"I beg your pardon?" Artemis had, of course, been drowning out Spike the entire time. That tantalizing pot had all of his attention, and he wasn't about to just let the subject of coffee drop unnoticed. "Where ever did you get such a silly notion stuck in your head. My word! Perhaps, young dragon, it would make better use of your time to indulge in the Science shelf of this library rather than the fiction section." Shaking his head at Spike's naivety, Artemis couldn't wait any longer. Allowing his horn to suddenly flare up with magic, he forcibly removed the pot from Spike's claws.

"Hey!" Spike was offended. He had never met anypony rude enough to take things from him without asking. However, this offense turned to curiosity as he watched how Artemis regarded the pot.

Treating it gingerly as if it were the Holy Grail, Artemis reverently poured coffee into his own mug he'd carried with him from Canterlot. The sight of the brown liquid flowing into his mug filled him with joy. After filling his mug to it's extent, he grabbed a jar of wild honey from the middle of the table and applied a generous dollop to his brew. He took a long, well deserved sip.
"Ahhhhhhhhh. Glorious coffee, how did I ever live without you?" All of his worries melted away from him, the newfound caffeine now surging through his system by storm in a way only Saddle Arabian beans could. He almost felt the need to be amiable before remembering where he was.

"My apologies, young dragon. I haven't had a good cup of coffee in days and I simply couldn't resist any longer while you were waving around in front of me," Artemis explained, not having the slightest bit of regret in his voice. It was quite obvious that he was satisfied by his somewhat rude action, for it had procured him coffee and coffee was good. Spike, however, failed to catch this and simply accepted the apology at face value.

"Well, I guess it's ok. I was going to offer you a cup, but you've already served yourself so it saves me the trouble of having to do it!" Spike grinned. "Can you hold on for a minute? I've got to help Twilight revive herself." Returning to Twilight's side of the table, Spike grabbed the steaming mug and waved his claw over the concoction, making sure that the aroma wafted towards Twilight's nose. Coming awake with a start, Twilight stared in shock at her surroundings. "Huh!? Wha!? Where am I!?" Her initial sense of panic quickly faded as her surroundings became less blurred. "Oh, its just you, Spike. Thanks." She gratefull accepted the mug from his claws, magically bringing it up to her mouth for a sip before noticing Artemis and nearly jumping out of her seat. "Ahh!"

Artemis' eyebrows raised. "Am I that unpleasant a sight to wake up to, Ms. Sparkle?" His tone made it clear that he hadn't taken this reaction favorably, although one could possibly glean the sort of sadistic pleasure that Artemis took in hounding the ponies around him from his expression. He felt a small sense of satisfaction as she continued to squirm under his scrutiny, her mind still muddled by her exhaustion.

"Ah, no, not at all! I mean, not that I like seeing you as soon as I wake up!" Twilight's face flushed. She was deeply embarrassed by this situation and silently prayed to Celestia that it would all end soon. "I mean... I was just surprised to see you?" She rejoined weakly.

Rolling his eyes, Artemis took a seat at the table directly across from her. "I was merely joking, Ms. Sparkle."

"Oh," she squeaked in a very small voice. This induced another wave of eye rolling from Artemis.

Spike re-appeared with a bowl of oats. "Here you go, Mister!" With Artemis' attention temporarily diverted away from her, Twilight allowed herself a sigh of relief. To say that she was nervous would be an understatement, because she was in the presence of the great Artemis, Chief Scholar of the Canterlot Archives and a legend to all learned ponies. Supposedly, he had mastered university level subjects when he was twelve years old and skipped gradeschool entirely for college where he had bamboozled all of his professors with his insightful questions on the subjects they taught. She also heard rumors of him being a dimension traveller, and that he was actually a being from another parallel universe that mirrored the one they were in right now. And then there were more questionable rumors of him being the direct descendant of Starswirl the Bearded, who had been living for the past couple hundred years after mastering an immortality spell to continue his existence into the infinite horizon. Shaking her head from these unsavory thoughts, she decided to turn her attention to the bowl that sat in front of her and realized that she was starving. Twilight eagerly plunged into her meal, relishing in the sweet crispness of the clover with the crunchy sensation of the oats. "Spike, this is excellent as usual. Great job, my number one assistant," Twilight said, smiling at Spike as he munched on some emeralds. While Twilight was knowledgeable in many a subject, the kitchen was one domain where she could never be competent. She thanked Celestia that Spike knew how to cook and was in fact an excellent one at that. "I don't know what I could ever do without you."

Spike blushed at the praise. "Shucks Twilight. You're embarrassing me!" he said, wriggling uncomfortably in his seat while staring at his toes. This reaction only elicited giggles from Twilight.

"Aww Spike, you're so adorable sometimes!" she continued giggling while Spike's blush only grew deeper and more noticeable. In her state of bubbliness, Twilight had completely forgotten the presence of her house guest until he cleared his throat.

"Do I simply place the dishes in the sink, Ms. Sparkle?" Artemis' face was neutral, not betraying the fact that he felt slightly sickened at this whole "happy-go-lucky" breakfast setting and wished to extricate himself as quickly as possible. After all, he felt entirely too sane after drinking his coffee and eating his oats to stay here and watch Twilight chat with her assistant. He had much more important things to do, like finishing that "Treatise on Planar Manipulation" if he would just get the damned chance to.

"Ah, let me take care of those for you, Mister!" Spike quickly got up to take the dishes from Artemis, who handed them off easily. Unaware of the effect his reputation had on Twilight, or even the fact that he HAD a reputation, Artemis slowly got up to leave before a thought took hold of his mind. "Thank you for the coffee. It was quite enjoyable, and I find it heartening to see another pony who enjoys a good brew." Throwing a sort of half smile towards her, he walked towards his guest room and silently shut the door. Twilight only stared after him in a sort of confusion.

"What was that all about, Spike?"

"I dunno, but that guy really loves his coffee. He almost reminds me of you, Twilight. Except, you know. Not as serious. Or scary. Or rude. Or sarcastic. or..." Spike took in more breath to continue his list of differences.

Twilight raised a hoof. "I get the message, Spike." She frowned. "How old is that guy anyways?"

"Well, according to the letter from Princess Celestia, he's 21. The same age as you, Twilight!"

"What!? But he's so- so serious! Not to mention unsociable." Twilight was instantly curious about his past. How was he raised to be so short with other ponies who only wished to be friendly with him? Now that she thought about it, nopony had ever discovered the past of Artemis before in all the articles and books she's read. "I wonder what he could be hiding..." Twilight thought over this line of questioning for a grand total of two seconds before remembering that she was supposed to be getting somewhere. "Oh my gosh, Pinkie Pies 'Two weeks since the last party" Party! I'm going to be late! Spike, take care of the library while I'm gone!" Twilight rushed out the main door, a blurr of lavender that weaved through the early morning crowds of the Ponyville market street.

----

Artemis sighed, glancing at the clock. It was 10:00 AM. He let out a grunt of frustration before returning to the problem he'd been working on for the past three hours since breakfast. "A Treatise on Planar Manipulation" lay open on his right. On his left, a parchment half covered in complex calculations that had suddenly stopped midway through as he pondered to think. Scowling, Artemis wracked his brains for what he wanted: an answer to this problem that had intrigued him as soon as he'd read about it. Artemis had just finished a fascinating section on changing particles when a thought occurred to him. "What if you can change the structure of the particles themselves in order to naturally create a new plane, rather than impressing your will upon it to change it from the outside?" Struck by curiosity, he had begun a wild series of calculations to estimate the amount of power needed to accomplish such a feat. This, of course, was the root of his problem:as certain subatomic particles are so minute as to be considered non-existent, even a skilled unicorn wouldn't be able to tell the difference between each and thus fail to restructure the particle from inside out. No matter how much power he poured into one side of the equation, it always ended up down a sink due to the fact that there was no way of being able to detect and organize neutrons and protons, much less quarks and superquarks.

Massaging his temple between his hooves, he let out a low groan. "And to think I ridiculed the theories of Starswirl, whom I considered too adroit to resort to such a solution as forcing his will over the particles. Re-arranging them from the inside is downright impossible!" Crumpling the half-covered parchment between his hooves, Artemis threw it into a nearby waste basket before letting loose another sigh. He hadn't realized that his hooves were sweating from concentration until he wiped one against his head.

"Blast. Now I'm too worked up to continue reading." Standing up on his seat, he cracked a few bones on his back and neck, shaking himself loose of the lethargy that had slowly crept upon him the past couple hours. "Might as well take a walk."

Standing out in the sunshine with a cool breeze blowing did little to help his temperment, as he soon discovered.
Eying the various market stalls as he passed by, Artemis came across an orange mare running an apple cart.

"Git yer fresh apples here! 15 bits a bushel! Bes' apples around!" Wearing a worn Stetson and a cheery grin, the mare happily pitched her wares to any near passerby who would listen. "If they ain't, Ah'll eat mah hat!"

"Oh Celestia, it's one of those country bumpkins through and through," Artemis though to himself. "She's even got the twang and everything. I'd best be avoiding her then." That's what he would have done, anyways, if a small yellow filly with a red mane didn't bump into him and spill the bushel of apple's she'd been carrying. Slightly surprised, he saw that this one didn't have a cutie mark on her flank and pondered as to why that might be so.

"Oops! Sorry, mister! Ah didn't quite see ya there!" Staring at the red delicious apples that now littered the market street road, she wilted. "Applejack's not gonna like this..."

"Shoot, what's goin on over here?" The orange mare, assumedly Applejack, walked over. "Did she give you any trouble, mister? You alright, Applebloom?"

"Ahm fine, sis. Just couldn't see where ah was goin' with all them apples in front o' me."

Artemis cleared his voice. "I'm quite alright, thank you very much. It's of no bother to me."
"Actually," he thought to himself, "it is of great bother to me, but I must make it a point to keep the conversation as short as possible."

"Well, I'd best be on my way then," Artemis said, starting to continue his route down the road before being confronted by Applejack.

"Ain'tcha gonna help us pick up all them apples?" The mare's voice seemed slightly accusing , as if she'd expected him to offer his help.

Artemis was taken aback. "I beg your pardon?"

"Ah asked if you was going to help us pick up all them red delicious apples. You know, whip up some of them unicorn magics? It'd be might helpful of ya."

Sighing inwardly, Artemis muttered a spell that instantly transported all the spilled apples into their former bushel. "Now, I really must be on my wa-"

Applejack started shaking his hoof vigorously. "Thank ya kindly, sir. Ah'm Applejack, one o' the most honest hardworkin' ponies you'll ever meet. What's your name?" She smiled winningly at him, her friendliness spilling out of her naturally.

Artemis didn't quite answer back, his skull being rattled around by the force of her good nature. "You alright? You're lookin' as pale as a ghost right about now." She stepped back to appraise him further, thankfully stopping the relentless hoofshake so that he could recover.

"I'm Artemis. Nice to meet you, Ms. Apple." Now that his world stopped spinning, Artemis struggled to keep his face especially neutral.

"You from around here, Artemis?"

"Actually, I live in Canterlot working directly under the Princesses. I'm the Chief Scholar at the Archives."

"Really? Well shoot, my friend Twilight's Celestia's personal student! Maybe I should introduce the two of you."

"Thank you for the offer, but there is no need. Princess Celestia arranged for me to live in her libarary during my stay here in Ponyville." Checking his watch, Artemis could see that it was almost time for lunch. "Well, it was delightful to meet you, Miss...?"

"Applejack."

"Miss Applejack, but now I really must be on my way. I've got a lot of things to do and I really must hurry or I'll be late." Struggling to walk as slowly as possible so as to not appear to be bolting, he started to move towards a cafe that had caught his eye yesterday. "Good day."

"Later, Artemis! Hey, come on down to Sweet Apple Acres if ya want any apples! We've got the best in town, freshly picked and grown with love!"

"Yes, I'll bet you'd think so," thought Artemis to himself as he stepped into the nearest cafe. "But I won't be caught anywhere near that place if I have anything to say about it. I'd much rather stay amongst my books than idle my time away visiting a farm in some backwater town like this." He smirked at the image of him wearing overalls and a straw hat while plowing the fields as he took his seat and ordered a large iced tea with some hay fries for an appetizer.

----

Twilight looked at the clock. The party at Sugar Cube corner had been going on for at least three hours, and while there were plenty of munchies available, she had hoped to leave and fill her stomach with something slightly more substantial. She glanced around the room. While Pinkie Pie had been ecstatic to see her and the rest of the girls, she quickly became distracted with being a good hostess for the rest of the guests. After all, she DID invite everyone in Ponyville to these things even if a lot of them chose not to partake all the time. Applejack left after an hour to take over the apple cart from Big Mac and Fluttershy left soon after her to take care of the woodland creatures. Rainbow Dash was crashed on the couch, clearly under the influence of a sugar coma. "It must of been all that cake she ate," Twilight thought, giggling to herself. If there was one thing that Rainbow Dash liked more than cider, it was winning. That's why she had eaten until she passed out when Pinkie Pie challenged her to a cake eating contest. "Silly Rainbow, nopony can beat Pinkie when it comes to cakes!" She shook her head, smiling warmly at the thought. Rainbow had put up a valiant effort though, and had actually managed to finish through half the humongous cake that had been set aside for the contest.

Rarity was nowhere to be seen, which confused Twilight until she remembered that Rarity was away to Canterlot to begin the launch of her new line of clothing called "Full Spectrum Fashion", something she had been waiting to unveil ever since she got the idea from Sweetie Belle after Sweetie had decided to organize her work room.

Which left Twilight standing awkwardly in a corner, sipping her fruit punch and staring at all the other ponies having a good time. While she was well-known and familiar to a lot of ponies in Ponyville, she didn't really have a lot of friends outside of her close circle, which made attending social functions that included a lot of ponies she didn't know extremely awkward.
She inched her way towards the door, allowing herself a huge sigh of relief when she managed to escape without getting the attention of one Pinkamena Diane Pie. While she appreciated her friend trying to make her feel welcome, Twilight was starting to get bored doing nothing and wanted to get back to her library after a quick lunch break. Walking around to see where she'd like to eat, Twilight spotted Artemis sitting at a nearby cafe sipping iced tea. A half eaten hay-steak occupied a plate on the other end of the table, the area in front of him now occupied by a scroll of parchment. His brow furrowed in concentration, Artemis didn't even notice when Twilight walked to him.

"Hello, Artemis!"

----

He couldn't help himself. The conundrum had continued haunting him until half-way through his hay steak he could hardly take it anymore. Whipping out a spare roll of parchment and a quill, Artemis pushed his plate aside and began furiously scratching out new calculations. "This time will be different," he silently vowed. Deciding that trying to puzzle through the problem using Arcandia's principles of existence would end his work in a complete flop like last time, he instead laid out a basic foundation using older principles left behind by the ponies of the Classical Greek-Equestrian period. While many other intellectuals, himself included, had scoffed at their antiquated ideas of the movement of celestial bodies, perhaps they got particles right on the dot. He had in fact come across a startling breakthrough when he heard his named being called.
Snapping out of his reverie, he looked up to into the smiling face of Twilight Sparkle. And stared.

Twilight's smile quickly went in reverse as her salutation went unanswered. Shuffling around nervously under the intensity of his gaze, she spoke softly. "I'm sorry if I interrupted you," she said, offering a weak smile.

Realizing that she had said hello and he'd done nothing but stare, Artemis admonished himself internally. No wonder she had looked so crestfallen! He must appear to be an absolute blackguard in her eyes right now, and let it not be said of the Chief Scholar to be a blackguard! "You aren't interrupting me in particular. I was so engrossed in my work that I hadn't heard you say hello. Hello, Ms. Sparkle." Giving a curt nod with his head, Artemis watched as her face was restored to normalcy.

"Well, I guess I'll be on my way then. You look very busy right now, and I wouldn't want to be a bother."

Artemis, against his better judgement, felt that it would be more socially appropriate to invite her to lunch with him rather than have her leave. "Besides," he thought, "she might be able to offer some valuable insight on the matter at hand. I might be unsociable and blunt to the point of rudeness, but that does not stop me from being a gentleman."

"Have you eaten lunch yet?" Artemis kept his tone of voice in the form of a polite inquiry rather than a grudging one, for while it was part of his ethics to treat mares gently it didn't mean he had to enjoy it.

"Actually, no, I haven't. I was on my way to hunt for a bite to eat when I saw you sitting here and wondered what you were doing,"

"Why don't you lunch with me then? I'll be glad to have somepony keep me company while I work," Artemis said, lying through his teeth while gesturing to the seat across from him.

"Oh, well, uhm. Thanks." Twilight couldn't keep the note of surprise out of her voice. From her early impressions, Artemis wasn't the type of pony to care much for the wellbeing of others, but maybe she'd have to readjust her assesment of him after today. As she took her seat, Artemis called over the waiter to take Twilight's order while insisting that he payed for it.
Twilight quickly scanned the menu and settled for a daisy sandwich with a glass of water. Meanwhile, Artemis had returned to his calculations with an intensity that could rival that of an angry bear on a rampage. Twilight almost cringed at the force in which he wrote out number after number in an attempt to figure out whatever he was doing. After his previous reaction to her conversation, however, she felt it wiser to simply remain quiet until he initiated a conversation first if at all. Smiling her thanks to the waitier who brought her food, she dug into her sandwich while observing the strange pony across from her.
"Is he really the same age as me? He really looks a lot older... Acts like it too. So cold and aloof from everything as if he wants nothing to do with the rest of us ponies. Does he know the magic of friendship? Maybe he'd warm up if I introduced him to the rest of the girls so that he could make some. After all, he seems like a very lonely pony. I can see it in his eyes." Realizing that she had been staring for too long, Twilight quickly took a small sip of water while suddenly taking interest in everything else in the room but Artemis.

Artemis was completely oblivious to the attention he had recieved from Twilight. Now completely entrenched within his work once again, he soon found that he had reached another dead end. "Damnation. I really thought I'd got it after that brilliant application of theories from Aristotle. Perhaps if I try Pauli's exclusion principle to rule out the possibility of duplicate sub-quarks, it'll help me keep going," Artemis thought to himself. When that ended up to be another dead end, he sighed rather loudly, not realizing that he startled Twilight with the volume of his frustration.

"Are you alright?" Artemis glanced upwards towards Twilight, her face etched with concern. "You've been staring angrily at that paper for a long time, like you just want to rip it apart in shreds."

"Yes, I'm fine, Ms. Sparkle. It's just that it's maddening to feel that you're this much closer to completely revolutionizing planar manipulation-" he said, gesturing with his hooves," only to be stopped by something as infinitismally small as blasted quarks!" Pain spiking in his head once more, he resorted to massaging his temples while glaring at the paper, entertaining the thought of setting it ablaze with magic.

"Planar Manipulation? As in, 'A Treatise of Planar Manipulation' by Starswirl the Bearded?" Twilight said excitedly, her eyes opening wide while a smile broke wide across her face. "I love that book! I'm on the last volume of it right now and I got completely stuck on trying to understand the principles of energy transferrence and partical transmutation."

Artemis was startled. "Why, so am I. It's impressive to find another pony that reads some of Starswirl's more complicated works."
"More than that," he thought to himself. It's mind boggling to think that you'd also be stuck on exactly the same conundrum as I am."

Twilight gasped. "We should totally be study buddies! I've always wanted a study buddy but everyone else thinks I'm too smart to study with and they get bored very easily with books and -" She stopped as she noticed Artemis giving her a funny look.

"St-study buddies!?" Artemis blustered, unable to comprehend what he was hearing. "I appreciate the sentiment, Ms. Sparkle, but I don't exactly find the notion of being 'study buddies' all that appealing as you do."

"But it'll be good for both of us! Two minds are better than one to deal with a problem, right?" Twilight pressed on, refusing to back down from him again. Yesterday he'd caught her by surprise with his cold manner, but she wasn't about to let the greatest study opportunity of her life just refuse her like that! How many ponies could say that they've studied with the famous Artemis, after all!

Artemis opened his mouth in an attempt to reject her offer, then shut it just as quickly after quickly conjecturing that she wouldn't allow him to refuse her. Realizing the logic of her statement, he decided that perhaps it won't be so bad since she seemed to certainly be a smarter pony than most he'd tried to converse with previously. After all, his aversion to ponies only came after that incident so many years back...

Forcing himself back into the present, Artemis nodded his assent. "Very well, Ms. Sparkle. If you are so adamant on the issue, it would hardly be right for me to refuse you."

"Yes!" Twilight exclaimed, adopting a favorite expression from Rainbow Dash by pumping her hoof in the air. "Thankyou thankyou thankyou! I'll go back to the library and prepare all the paper and quills we'll need!" She all but ran back towards the library, excitement running through her mind. She finally got a study buddy!

Artemis shook his head and facehoofed. "Why in Celestia's name did I agree to that? Now I'll be forced to put up with her until her enthusiasm for my company finally runs dry. Blast. I'd been looking forward to spending my week in as much solitude as possible, but that doesn't seem realistic anymore after I've bloody gone and agreed to be a 'study buddy'!"
Grimacing as he slowly stood up from his seat, he found himself face to face with a bubblegum pink mare with frizzy hair.

"Hiya! You must be the stallion Twilight talked about! Are you her coltfriend!? Because you two would look totally cute with each other!" She bounced up and down in excitement. "And if you two are together, that means you'll get married and have a wedding and everything! Oh, oh, can I plan the wedding? I love planning weddings!" She gave him a wide grin as she waited for him to reply.

Artemis gave her a withering stare. He hated these presumptuous types who simply loved bouncing all over the place with their monstrous excesses of energy. All fun and no brains was what he thought of them. "And who might you be?" he asked, maintaining a hostile expression. He didn't like being paired up with other ponies, much less being presumed to be marrying said ponies he was paired up with. It was just the sort of mindless blather that he strode to avoid by denying anypony of his company.

She seemed to completely ignore this and continue forward. "My name's Pinkie Pie!" After this exclamation, she gasped loudly. "Are you new around here!? I didn't welcome you to Ponyville yet!" Appearing to pull a party cannon out of nowhere, she let loose, confetti and party favors streaming everywhere. "Welcome Welcome Welcome! A fine welcome to you! Welcome Welcome Welcome, I say 'How do you do?'" She continued singing her song, attracting the attention of everypony else in the cafe much to Artemis' supreme displeasure. Hoping that she wouldn't notice, he slowly inched towards the exit before quickly turning around and galloping like all Tartarus was after him. He didn't know who the pink mare was and he certainly didn't want to know. Nothing good could come out of any acquaintance with her.

Slowing down to a trot as he distanced himself from the establishment, he'd nearly jumped out of his skin when Pinkie popped out of his mane. "Wowee! You run really fast for a pony, Mister!"

"Gah! Get out of my mane! Wait, how are you even IN my mane!?" Artemis swiped as his mane, only to see Pinkie Pie suddenly appear in front of him. "My word! You can't just gallivant whereever you please!"

"Sure I can! Watch me!"

Artemis watched as Pinkie Pie performed all sorts of physics breaking shenanigans, his eyes growing wider and wider while his cheeks grew paler and paler. He'd had enough of this nonsense. "This can't possibly be real. I mean, you're practically levitating in midair for Celestia's sake! That breaks more laws of physics than there are hairs on my head!"

Pinkie Pie giggled. "You're really funny, mister. I can't understand why Twilight would think you're a meany-pants even though she still respects you for some book stuff. I should throw a party for you!" Suddenly remembering something very important, she fell back down to the earth with a bounce. "I totally forgot! What's you're name? I need to know so I can make the invitations!"

"Of all the- I do NOT want to go to something as silly as a party, thank you very much! And another thing, how are you even existing!? Nopony should be able to do those kinds of things! Science has proven that they can't!" Artemis felt incredulous and annoyed at the same time. All his live he'd devoted himself to learning how the world worked by studying as many books as he could, and here was a mare who broke all of his convictions in half like a twig!

"Silly filly, of COURSE I exist! Right, readers? I mean, how could I not, I'm standing right here!" Pinkie Pie stared off at a wall right at the audience, drawing a wild look from Artemis.

That was the last straw for Artemis, who was at this point completely bewildered. "Stay away from me!" Artemis ran for the library, only to discover that Pinkie Pie had kept even pace with him while bouncing at a considerably slow rate.

"Hey, wait up! I didn't even catch your name!"

"I don't give my name to scientific impossibilities!" Deciding that he wouldn't be able to outrun her, Artemis quickly did a teleportation spell and ended up in the middle of the librarie's main room, startling Twilight from her preparations.

"Gah! Don't scare me, Artemis!" She exlaimed. She had been in the middle of bringing some parchment to the study table in the room, and now it covered the floor.

"I must conceal myself or that dastardly mare will find me!" Searching wildly around the room, Artemis dove under the table and curled himself up as best he could. Twilight stared on in confusion.

"Uhhhm. What are you doing, Artemis?"

"No time to explain, that mare could be here any second!" Hearing a knock at the door, he curled up even tighter. "Don't tell her I'm here! Tell here I went somewhere else!"

Becoming more confused by the moment, Twilight opened the door to see herself facing Pinkie Pie. "Hi there, Pinkie. Is your party over already?"

"Nahhh, I just saw you leaving and decided to follow you! But then I got distracted by the cutest little bunnies I'd ever seen and when I looked up you were gone! But then I saw this guy that I think you were talking about at the party and I went up to him and gave him a full welcome song and everything but he looked at me all weird and ran away but I found him really quickly and then he got all mad because I came out of his mane and -" gasping for air, Pinkie Pie took in two deep breaths before she continued. "showed him how I high I could bounce and how quietly I could jump into puddles and then he got all stricken looking like he couldn't believe that I could do those things but I was like-"

"Pinkie, slow down! I can't even understand half of what you're saying!" Twilight laughed. Pinkie Pie was just being Pinkie Pie, but she could never fully get used to her over-the-top randomness.

"Oh. My bad, Twilight! Well, I was talking to that guy you told me about and I tried to get him to tell me his name, but he wouldn't tell me! So I tried following him but then he did a teleportation spell , so I didn't know where he was until I thought to myself 'Hey Pinkie, that guy was staying at Twilight's library so he might have teleported there!' so here I am!" Poking her head inside of the library, she looked around for her new friend. "Is he here?"

"Oh Pinkie, I think you scared him a bit!" Twilight smiled, finally recognizing the feeling she'd seen in Artemis' eyes. It was fear of something he didn't understand and something that overwhelmed him so much that he couldn't take it anymore and panicked. "I haven't seen him at all since this morning, so maybe you should check the other places in Ponyville where he might be."

"Hey, that's a good idea Twilight! You're so smart! I'm glad I have such a smart pony for a friend like you!" Pinkie Pie bounced away, humming to herself as she tried to spot where her friend had gone. After all, she still needed to sing him the rest of her song!

----

Artemis emerged from under the desk when he had sufficiently calmed down. He was ashamed of himself for appearing so uncomposed earlier, but Pinkie had ignited a very primal fear deep inside of him after throwing everything he'd ever learned about the sciences back in his face. Shaking his mane to ruffle it out, he noticed Twilight Sparkle's scrutiny from across the room where she sat reading "Sherclop Holmes and the Red Headed League". "Thank you for sending her away. If you'll excuse me..." Artemis allowed his voice to trail off as he moved towards his bedroom, hoping to lose himself in his studies and forget all about the terror he'd experienced.

"Hey."

Artemis turned his head to face Twilight Sparkle, his face contorted in a grimace. "Yes, Ms. Sparkle?"

"Are you alright? You're not looking so good right now..."

"Thank you for your concern, Ms. Sparkle, but it is quite unnecessary. I was simply taken by surprise earlier, nothing more."

"That didn't seem like you were alright."

Blast it, she's intuitive, he thought to himself. There's no reason for me to open up to her. "I assure you that I'm quite alright."

"I think you're lying." Twilight said, sounding hurt. "You looked really afraid earlier, and all I want to do is help you, Artemis."

"Well I don't require it, nor do I request it of you, Ms. Sparkle." Artemis spoke a little more sharply than he had intended, but his nerves were getting frayed on the ends. "Now, if you would excuse me, I would like to retire for the evening." Without giving her another chance to protest, he swiftly entered his room and shut the door behind him, letting out a low sound of relief.

"I really wish I had some coffee right now," he muttered to himself darkly before sitting at his desk to compose another blasted journal for Princess Celestia.

-------------------------------Flashback End-------------------------------

I feel sick, probably because of my run-in with that pink mare.

I'm going to go insane if I have to take this for the rest of my vacation. It's only five in the afternoon and I'm shutting myself away in my room. Granted, this was my usual routine back in Canterlot, but to be forced into this position is not too pleasant of an experience for me.

Twilight tried to check up on me a couple times in the past hour or so. She seems genuinely concerned for my wellbeing, although I can't imagine why. I had imagined that my sarcastic nature would cause her to stay away, much like every other pony back at home.

Bah, perhaps I'm losing my touch.

-Artemis, Chief Scholar of the Canterlot Archives