Bon Bon has died, leaving Lyra alone and depressed, until Rainbow Dash steps in and brings colour back to her life. But an old friend is planning his revenge. Will they fall victim to his evil schemes?
Since I'm not really doing anything, have a review.
Of course, nopony truly blamed Derpy. Everypony knew what she was like. But Lyra wanted somepony to blame, needed somepony to blame. Since Bon Bon died, nothing filled the gaping void inside her except alcohol. Lyra poured herself another drink. “Excuse me, ma’am?” The pony behind the bar said. “You’ve been drinking for nearly 4 hours, don’t ya think it’s time to call it quits?” Lyra simply looked up and stared at him.
Any time someone new speaks, start a new paragraph. Also, don't put: 4, take the extra few milliseconds and put: four, it's more professional (or something along those lines). That said:
Of course, nopony truly blamed Derpy. Everypony knew what she was like. But Lyra wanted somepony to blame, needed somepony to blame. Since Bon Bon died, nothing filled the gaping void inside her except alcohol. Lyra poured herself another drink. “Excuse me, ma’am?” The pony behind the bar said. “You’ve been drinking for nearly 4four hours, don’t ya think it’s time to call it quits?” Lyra simply looked up and stared at him.
Grammar-wise, you're good and (aside from repeating the above-mentioned problem concerning speech), your formatting is good as well.
The short sentences feel a bit awkward to read, but that's just me being a picky asshole and there's nothing wrong with them.
However, I did feel that Rainbow Dash's reason:
But, what the hay, it was always nice to have a few extra friends.
for chillin' with Lyra felt kinda weak.
A potential alternative could have been that Dash felt sorry for Lyra (from the beginning) and that was the reason for her to go out on Saturday with her. Not for the sake of having another friend, but for the sake of being there for someone who just lost someone special in their life.
It also isn't popular to have chapters that are under a thousand words long. Many people instantly dislike a story if the chapters have less than a thousand words.
good start
Since I'm not really doing anything, have a review.
Any time someone new speaks, start a new paragraph. Also, don't put: 4, take the extra few milliseconds and put: four, it's more professional (or something along those lines).
That said:
Grammar-wise, you're good and (aside from repeating the above-mentioned problem concerning speech), your formatting is good as well.
The short sentences feel a bit awkward to read, but that's just me being a picky asshole and there's nothing wrong with them.
However, I did feel that Rainbow Dash's reason:
for chillin' with Lyra felt kinda weak.
A potential alternative could have been that Dash felt sorry for Lyra (from the beginning) and that was the reason for her to go out on Saturday with her. Not for the sake of having another friend, but for the sake of being there for someone who just lost someone special in their life.
It also isn't popular to have chapters that are under a thousand words long. Many people instantly dislike a story if the chapters have less than a thousand words.
Definitely not a bad story, nor a bad start.