Jak wakes up to a large pair of purple eyes staring at him.
“Well, that's a pretty good sight to wake up to,” Jak mutters groggily. “What's the occasion?”
Twilight grabs his blanket in her mouth and pulls it off. “Pinkie wants to have a picnic. We are due there in thirty minutes.”
“What? This early?”
Twilight looks at him quizzically. “It's twelve thirty, Jak.”
Jak sits up quickly. “How the hell did I sleep this late? I must have fallen asleep at eight last night.”
“You did. My guess is that you finally got a full night's rest in a bed that wasn't in a hospital.”
“Yeah! Boy, did that feel good!” Jak gets out of the bed and stretches his stiff limbs. He casually walks over to Daxter and prods him with a hoof. “Hey, Dax time to wake up.”
“Huh. No. just five more minutes.” Daxter rolls over, away from Jak and continues snoring.
“Well, then, I guess you'll miss the picnic.”
Daxter immediately jumps up, fully alert. “Picnic? Where?”
“Over at Sweet Apple Acres.” Twilight smiles. “Are you going to come?”
Daxter walks over to the door. “Of course I am. Let's go.”
Jak shakes his head and follows his companion out of his bedroom and down the stairs, Twilight following a step behind. As they hit the bottom step the see Spike come out of the kitchen, carrying a basket.
“Hey Spike,” Jak says. “What's in the basket?”
Spike grins a toothy grin. “White macadamia nut, white chocolate chip cookies. It's a favorite among the girls.”
Jak reaches out a hoof, mouth watering. “I'll have to try one then.”
Spike pulls the basket out of Jak's reach. “Ah, ah, ah. Not until the picnic.”
Jak gives Spike a sideways look. “Not even a little nibble?”
“No.”
Jak bows his head. “Oh, alright.”
“Come on, you guys,” Twilight says. “We're going to be late.” She opens the door with her magic and walks out.
Jak follows her, Daxter on his back. “I will get those cookies.”
The group walks through Ponyville in comfortable silence, Jak enjoying this colorful world. As the group nears Sweet Apple Acres, they hear laughing bubbling up from near the stream. Soon, the other five ponies sitting around a picnic blanket, talking and laughing.
Applejack is the first to notice the approaching ponies, Ottsel, and dragon. She waves a hoof at them. “Howdy, y'all. What took ya so long?”
Twilight calls back, “One of us,” She looks pointedly at Jak, “had a late start.”
“That's quite alright, darling,” Rarity said. “We haven't even opened up the picnic basket yet.”
“Great,” Daxter shouts as he leaps off Jak's back. “Let's eat.” He walks over to the basket and tries to lift the lid, only to have his paw swatted away by Jak.
“Let the ladies get their food first, Dax.”
Daxter crosses his arms and plops down on the ground. “Hmph.”
The picnic passes by quickly, each pony eating their fill, Jak eating a little more than his fill of cookies. After about thirty minutes the ponies, Ottsel and dragon are just lounging about. A shrill whistle is heard and all of them look to the source of the sound. A bird is flying toward them at breakneck speed and stops in front of Fluttershy.
“Oh, goodness. What is it, Feather Beak?”
The bird makes some random chirping noises that only Fluttershy can understand. After he is done chirping, Fluttershy looks utterly horrified. “No, not my Angel Bunny.” She speeds off to her cottage almost as fast as Rainbow Dash.
Applejack stands up first. “C'mon, y'all, let's go see what happened.” The remaining seven follow Fluttershy at a gallop, Daxter on Jak's back and Spike on Twilight's.
When they reach Fluttershy's cottage, they hear crying. The front door is open, so the group all walk in. Fluttershy is crying over the motionless form of the white rabbit, Angel. The rabbit has red claw marks on its throat where he must have tried to get something out.
“No, no. Not my Angel. T-this can't be happening. Why, Angel? That carrot was too big. Why did you eat it?”
She wraps her forelegs around the lifeless body of the rabbit, sobbing into his fur. Slowly, Fluttershy begins to glow with a white aura, surrounding both her and the bunny. The red slashes on the skin close up and an orange lump of carrot falls to the floor from his mouth.
“This... this is Eco magic,” Jak says.
Fluttershy still holds Angel after the aura disappears. Angel and Fluttershy are both breathing the deeps breaths of a deep sleep.
“How did that just happen?” Jak whispers so as not to wake the sleeping pegasus.
“I have no idea,” Twilight responds. “I thought you would know, being a master of that type of magic.”
“I never said I was a master. I just channel it better than most. The ones who would really know would be the Precursors.”
“Hey, I'm a Precursor,” Daxter interjects.
“I meant a real Precursor, Dax. Not one that got used to be a human and fell into a silo of dark eco.”
“Um, excuse me,” Twilight says, not liking being ignored, “but what is a Precursor.”
“Oh right, you don't know,” Jak replies. “The Precursors are the race that created my world. They created artifacts to help harness Eco. However, though they may be all powerful beings, they looks like this.” He swats Daxter on the head.
“Hey, watch it.”
“Hmmm,” Twilight looks thoughtful. “I'm going to have to try to study Eco. I do not believe there is anything like it in Equestria. I might have to run some test on you, Jak.”
Jak gives a visible shudder.
“Is something wrong?” Twilight asks, concerned.
“It's nothing,” Jak says. “Only the last time I had 'tests' run on me, I was held against my will and got this Dark Eco pumped into me.”
Twilight nuzzles up close to him and gives him a kiss on the cheek. “Trust me, I would never hold anypony against his will. You have my word, If you ever want to stop just tell me.”
Jak smiles at her and returns her kiss with a kiss on her cheek. “Thank you Twilight.”
Just wanted to point out that in your chapter "Breaking Things," the word "fourth" in that title is spelled wrong. You spelled it "Fouth" instead of "Fourth"
2028277 thanks fixed
2028302So far it's pretty good. And don't worry, I won't be the kind of guy who bitches about people being OOC (unless they're so OOC that it's like you took them, threw them out the window, had someone impersonate them, and say that was the real them)
2028341 i try not to make them too OOC but im taking liberties with Jak and Daxter seeing as they are kinda changing
2028362Well I haven't read past chapter 3, so I guess I'll find out.
Quick note when flutter shy is doin the healing jak says
This...*his* is light Eco.
I think your missing a t
2028381 o ok
2028388 thanks fixed
2028291 No problem. I just wanted to let you know cus there's alot of people who will see a grammar mistake on a chapter or something similar and just be like "oh look he f**ked that up he must suck as an author" and I didn't want that happening to you
2028588 thanks for that
MOAR!
Another really good chapter. I'm liking how some of Jak's Light Eco has adopted itself into Fluttershy as well. I can see a lot of possibilities...I really hate to do this to you, but I've noticed...and I'm dyslexic mind you...I've noticed a lot of mistakes in this chapter with certain words...such as I noticed mistakes in paragraphs 14, 24, 31, 39, 44, 46, and 48. I apologize for not giving you exact words, but I noticed some "the" that should be "they" and simple mispelled words. Keep up the greatness in this story buddy!!!
Signed,
Ambrosia M. Firehoof
2028928 sorry ill get on that as soon as i full wake up
2029853 Hey now, no need to be sorry. Take your time.
2029975 It's done
2030590 Like I said...sorry about all the mistake noticing. I was actually really interested in the chapter. I read it twice and only then did I notice them. Keep it up.
2032099 wait so you're saying it was so good you read it twice?
2032704 Maybe. ...Yes! I've actually read the entire story about three times over. I mean it's my two favorite things in one!!!
2033212 sweet man. I had no idea some people liked it that much
2033464 If I like it enough I will read it several times. So, yeah, keep it going you!!!
2033475 bout to start the new chapter. i was freaking out a bit though because i could not find my dip can and i really cant write without a dip in
2033531 I know how that is...I go through about half a pack of smokes when I'm writing...I'll be waiting happily...I think I'm gonna try to actually write another story...maybe a comedy or something...I don't know yet.
2033547 i have found that comedy is a lot harder to write than grimdark. however, that being said, I am trying to mix both in this story
2033561 'Tis working well in my opinion...I'm working towards a CMC comedy/adventure...
2033614 sounds interesting
2033949 OooooOooo.......
2034230>>2034230 Ok
I think everypon3 gets the jist of what I'm about to say...I'M GOIN TO EDIT, YEEEEEAAAAAAH!!!!
(“Well, that's a pretty good sight to wake up to,” Jak mutters groggily.) This is a finished sentence and the comma should be (you guessed it) killed and buried in a cardboard box and replaced with a comma.
(As they hit the bottom step the see Spike come out of the kitchen, carrying a basket.) Change "the" into "they" and use Jarate on the comma.
(“Hey Spike,” Jak says. “What's in the basket?”) I'm sorry but this is a little bit too forward. Maybe you could change it to "what's in there" or whatever you feel like, but the way it is I believe it is a too forward of an approach.
(“White macadamia nut, white chocolate chip cookies. It's a favorite among the girls.”) Use Heavy to gun down comma and replace it with an "and" please.
(“Come on, you guys,” Twilight says.) Get rid of the period infront of "says" and replace it with a comma so dialouge can flow.
(“Great,” Daxter shouts as he leaps off Jak's back.) Narration claims sentence is over so send comma to Hell and replace it with an exclamation mark since narration says it's a "shout".
(After about thirty minutes the ponies, Ottsel and dragon are just lounging about. ) Bring comma back from Hell and put it after "minutes" please.
(“No, no. Not my Angel. T-this can't be happening. Why, Angel? That carrot was too big. Why did you eat it?”) I cannot viusally see Fluttershy over Angel's dead body using a declaritive tone. Please change all periods into exclamation marks.
(“This... this is Eco magic,” Jak says.) Backstab comma with a Spy and replace it with whatevery you feel like you should use. Period or exclamation mark preferred.
(“Oh right, you don't know,” Jak replies.) I am actually stumped on what you should do here, but what I do know is kill off the comma and replace it with a period, but I don't know if you should keep the period or change it to a comma...
(However, though they may be all powerful beings, they looks like this.) Change "looks" to "look" please.
(Not one that got used to be a human and fell into a silo of dark eco.”) I think eco should be capitalized, I don't know about "dark" though.
Can't wait for the new chapter *nudge* *nudge*. This chapter was quite exquisite in plot, detail, and diolouge. Again, you only make small errors Great chapter!
DJ-Pon3 approved
2034775 those commas are actually correct. periods are only use at the end of sentences. i.e. "We are going to the mall," Fluttercliff says. Is correct even though "We are going to the mall" is a complete sentence
Someone needs to draw Fluttershy as a...um...whatever Jak is, now. Preferably in Oldworld-esque attire.
Good chapter 👍