1 - Twilight’s Request
Twilight Sparkle followed the dirt road toward Sweet Apple Acres. She was becoming more familiar with her new home-town with each passing day. The leaves had exploded into a rich tapestry of fall colour. Having grown up in Canterlot, she’d never fully appreciated the vividness and variety of the shades of autumn. Though every tree had a unique colour, at a distance the random splash of hues appeared to take on shapes and patterns: Long bands of red passed between patches of yellow and brown. It was beautiful.
She reached her friend’s farm and, naturally, found that Applejack was out tending to the orchard. Twilight wandered about the farm a while, casually searching for her friend. In time, she found Applejack hauling a cart that was, as always, full of the family’s trademark crop.
“Hello, Applejack. I haven’t seen you around Ponyville lately.”
Applejack smiled, “Well, I’ve been busy preparin’ the farm for the winter! Besides, I figured you’d have your hooves full with that critter-a yours”
Twilight grimaced. “Simon certainly has been taking up a lot of my time…”
Applejack could hear the edge of despair in her friend’s voice. She slipped off the harness attaching her to the cart, and approached the purple unicorn.
“What’s wrong, sugarcube?” she asked, draping a hoof over Twilight’s shoulder.
“It’s just that… I feel like Simon’s not all there… Sometimes he won’t even get out of bed. I don’t know what I’m going to do with him.”
“You think he’s hurting on the inside?” Applejack asked softly.
Twilight nodded. “I think he’s lonely.”
“You sure there’s no more out there like him?” Applejack asked invitingly.
Twilight shook her head, “He had a friend who died in the fire. He seems pretty sure there aren’t any more.”
“Hmm,” Applejack hummed.
Twilight continued, “I think we should…”
Applejack waited for a moment but Twilight had dropped her head to her hooves. Applejack tried to jog Twilight back on track. “You think we should…?”
“...I think we should get him to feel like he belongs. Here. Now. In Ponyville.”
“That’s a wonderful idea, Twilight! What can I do to help?”
Twilight felt more at ease now, and didn’t hesitate any longer, “I came here to ask if Simon and I could come down to dinner tomorrow night. I think it would help a lot for him to spend time with a real Equestrian family, don’t you?”
The orange mare faltered at this proposition. Her smile faded, her brow arched.
“Are you sure? Didn’t I hear somepony say he eats meat?”
Twilight looked down at her hooves again. She’d been afraid of this. Twilight tried a comforting laugh, but it came out sounding nervous. “He does,” she said quietly, “but he won’t eat anything we tell him not to.” The look on Applejack’s face stopped her flat.
“Y’all sure, Twilight?”
Frustration edged its way into Twilight’s voice. “Yes Applejack, I am sure. Well, I’m not sure, but you’ll just have to trust me. Besides, he doesn’t eat meat for every meal. He’ll eat anything you put in front of him. Well, except hay.”
“What kind of meat?” Applejack was very serious.
“Fish, beef, chicken…” she said, trying not to emphasize the word “beef.”
“Will he be safe around our cattle?” Applejack asked.
“Yes, I’m sure,” Twilight responded with certainty. Indeed, she didn’t believe Simon capable of hurting a full-grown steer.
“You don't really believe all that... stuff about him bein' three thousand years old n' all, right Twilight?"
This caught Twilight by surprise. It had never occurred to her that Simon might be lying.
“I do”, she did.
“Hmmm…”
Applejack reached up, pushed her hat back, and scratched her scalp. She set the hat straight upon her head again, and put her hoof on the ground.
“Well, I’m not one to be unneighbourly. If you trust him enough in yer home, then he’s just as welcome in mine. We’ll show him the best family dinner he ever sat down to!”
“There’s one more thing…” Twilight seemed unsure.
“What is it, sugarcube?”
“I need…a perfect apple”
2 - Fluttershy
Twilight rotated the apple before her eyes very slowly. The sunlight glinted off the shiny, clean skin. There was not a blemish to be found on it’s surface. It was bright red and plump. It was truly a perfect apple; it made her hungry just to look at it. She hovered it behind her head, lest she eat it herself before she got home.
Twilight was excited about her planned dinner with Applejack. If there was any pony in town who could show Simon a true, pleasant Equestrian experience then it was Applejack. Twilight was certain it would break him out of his doldrums. She trotted home quickly.
She opened the door to the library. Fluttershy was standing at the door to the basement. She looked frightened.
“Oh please, Simon. Won’t you come out?”
Twilight sighed. Simon had locked himself in the basement again. Fluttershy turned to her.
“I’m sorry, Twilight. He was over there reading when suddenly he threw his book across the room and stormed downstairs.”
Twilight headed over to the desk Simon had claimed as his own. The space around it was piled with Equestrian history books and parchment.
She took a crumpled sheet off the floor, smoothed it out, and read. The writing was almost illegible.
Dates. dates dATes. Where ARE The DATES.
She mumbled under her breath, “What am I going to do with you?”
She snapped about and faced Fluttershy. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. Now, we’ve got to get him out of there.”
“How are we going to do that?”
“First we have to get the door open.”
She prepared herself to teleport through the door when it swung open by itself. Simon hadn’t even latched it. Fluttershy blushed at her own timidness.
They found Simon sitting on his bed, his face buried deep in his hands. He was rocking himself back and forth. His breathing was very irregular: Brief moments of silence were interrupted by loud gasps. As they got closer, they could see his fingers were shaking.
Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but Fluttershy beat her to it.
“Simon. I know you’re having trouble getting used to Ponyville, but if you let us help you, we can work it out.”
Twilight wondered why life had charged her with this troublesome thing. At first, she had felt truly sorry for Simon’s plight. It broke her heart to see such a lonely soul and she couldn’t bear to imagine the loss he surely must feel. She wanted more than anything to ease his suffering. But the days turned into weeks and everything she tried - talking to him, reading with him, even just hugging him, as she would with any other friend in such a state - was met with failure and, it seemed, resistance from Simon to accept his own situation. She was beginning to wish he’d leave and go be depressed somewhere else. Of course, such thoughts were always immediately followed by pangs of conscience and she always redoubled her efforts to find a way to accomplish the task she’d been given.
“Fluttershy’s right. We want to help you, Simon. That’s why I’ve asked Applejack to have us over for dinner tomorrow night. I promise, one meal with the Apples and you’ll feel a hundred times better! How’s that sound?”
Simon shook his head. Again he was resisting.
Twilight stood tall and firm. She remembered Fluttershy and the Dragon. Simon was still shaking his head.
“Simon, I want you to feel like you belong, but if you won’t even give it a chance… then I don’t think there’s a place for you in Ponyville.”
Simon froze. His eyes widened. He saw that she was serious. She saw that he was scared. He gave a great sigh, and slumped over.
She hovered the apple towards him, shaking it in front of him to get his attention. He raised his head. He held his hand out as if to take it. She knew from experience that he would not touch it so long as her magical aura surrounded it. During the first days of his stay, whenever she used her horn to so much as pick something up she got a look from Simon that was a combination of anger and fear. She was so used to picking up Spike with her magic that she’d tried it with Simon absentmindedly. It put him into such a panic that he overturned a desk covered in paper and candles, nearly starting a fire. She had consciously used her magic very sparingly around him since then, only using it when she needed to evoke Simon’s fear of it. She didn’t want to make Simon feel anything less than comfortable, but when he got in a mood such as he was, it was all she could do.
“Now will you go?”
He nodded.
“Thank you” Twilight released the apple from her magical grasp and let it drop into his palm. Twilight watched him bring it to his face. He turned the apple over, inspecting every inch of its surface. She gasped when he reached into his pocket, produced his knife, and skillfully cut out a rectangle off the apple’s surface. She couldn’t believe it. She knew there wasn’t a bruise on that apple. She groaned, and stormed up the stairs and out of the basement. Fluttershy and Simon looked at each other for a long time. Eventually, Fluttershy gave an uneasy smile, and backed away.
“Well, Simon, it’s been lovely spending time with you,” she began to speed up her words, “but now that Twilight’s home I think I’ll be going now. Bye!”
She galloped up the stairs.
3 - Applejack
For once, Simon was happy he couldn’t speak for he would have surely let slip an unforgivable insult to his host during the time between the encounter in the basement and their dinner with Applejack. His anger at her simmered all day. How dare she treat him like a child? Now, as he walked with Twilight to Sweet Apple Acres, he kept his eyes firmly on the ground, occasionally kicking up clouds of dirt.
Simon wasn’t sure he’d make it through the evening. Even now, he could feel a tension building inside him. Every time he tried to look at Equestria, be it in a book or out a window, he saw a world maddeningly different from where he knew he was supposed to be; his stomach shrank, his hands shook, and his head swam. All he could to was cower in the basement. He knew he was being childish. He knew he should be actively seeking answers to the infinitude of questions he had. He should be discovering the fate of humanity and helping to ensure mankind was given a fitting eulogy.
The only thing that was stopping him from doing what he knew needed to be done were his own neuroses. This made him feel worse. He cursed himself for being weak.
He resented Twilight for treating him so patronizingly.. He wanted to fight this indignity in some way. He was thirty three years old, not a child. He briefly considered lying on the ground and refusing to move until Twilight let him go home. He chose not to, however, and soon they met Applejack walking down the path to meet them.
As they approached her, the orange pony put on her best smile.
“Howdy, Simon! How y’all doin?” she asked. She spoke with a practised, pleasant accent and a gentle voice.
Simon gave her a depressed look. Applejack forged ahead.
"Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres, home of the finest apples in all of Equestria!”
Simon looked about lugubriously. He saw a barn and some apple trees.
"Want a tour?"
Simon shook his head.
Twilight intervened. "Yes, we'd love a tour!"
“All right!” She cheerily led them into a large grove of apple trees.
“This here is our North Orchard” she began, “Somewhere around here we’ll see my brother, Big Macintosh, harvestin’ the last of the year’s crop.”
Simon enjoyed touring Applejack’s orchard. The canopy obscured any pegasi flying overhead. The closed in sensation of being among tightly packed trees allowed him to imagine the crazy world beyond did not exist. All he could see appeared normal. It was quiet. The air was fragrant and pleasant.
“Say, Twilight, where’s Spike?” Applejack inquired.
“Asleep. He does that a lot in the winter,” she explained.
They found a large, red draft pony kicking a tree.
“Hey, Big Mac!” Applejack shouted, “Need some help?”
The red pony kicked the tree one last time, then with no small amount of humility, answered, “Eeyup.”
Applejack walked over to the tree and assumed a similar position to her brother’s.
“Watch this,” Twilight whispered.
With one decisive movement, Applejack thrust her hind legs into the tree’s trunk. The apples quivered. A beat passed after which every apple on the tree simultaneously dropped to the ground.
Applejack gave a victorious “YEEHAW!” while her brother set out collecting the apples.
“Next I’ll show you some of the livestock!”
Applejack and Twilight became enamoured in conversation. Simon lagged behind, puzzled by what he’s seen: had apples always dropped from trees so easily? The only thought that came to mind was the story of Isaac Newton’s insight about gravity, which may well have been apocryphal.
He passed a tree. He noticed that it still had one bright red apple hanging from it. He stood directly underneath it, looking up, unable to shake the feeling that the tree conversely looked down at him. The orchard was silent. He looked at the trunk, just a foot in front of him. He pulled his right leg back. He took a deep breath and swung it forward with all his might.
When Twilight noticed Simon had gone, she stopped Applejack and the two went back looking for him. They found him leaning against an apple tree, keeping his right foot off the ground. One hand was holding an apple while the other was rubbing a large bump on his head.
Simon was brought to a large corral. Behind the fence grazed dozens of cows. The thought of steak, roast beef, ground beef, beef ribs, and all manner of delicious, comforting food made his mouth salivate.
“Howdy, ladies!” called Applejack.
“Hey there, Applejack!” replied one of the cows nearest to them. She sounded like a soft-spoken, kindly older lady.
Simon did not have a coherent thought for a long time after hearing the cow speak. He felt embarrassed and disgusted. His stomach knotted and he lost all appetite.
“Ladies, I’d like y’all to meet Simon! He’s new ‘round these parts,” exclaimed Applejack.
“Well, hey dere Simon, we’re always glad to see new faces ‘round here don’t ‘cha know?”
The rest of the herd agreed with a chorus of “ya”s. Simon lifted his head, tried to smile, and lifted his hand in greeting.
He was very relieved to be walking away from the corral when that part of the tour had finished. He outpaced Applejack and Twilight Sparkle.
They moved on to see the sheep. They found an old, green mare with a pair of sheep shears between her hooves. She held it with years of practise, yet she could not hide that the device was not meant for a pony.
“Simon, this is our Granny Smith!” Applejack introduced the man to the mare.
Granny Smith opened her mouth to speak, but at that moment she lost her grip of the shears. They slipped out from between her hooves and sprang open. The tool went flying in their direction and landed off to Simon’s left.
“Dagnabbit!” the old pony grumbled.
Without hesitating, Simon strode to the shears and picked them up. His fingers slipped naturally around the handles. They were like a pair of scissors, except the hinge was at the back, not the middle, and they opened automatically when squeezed closed.
He became very focused on the tool, walking it back to where Granny Smith stood. He looked at the shears and where Granny had already begun shearing the sheep and attempted to mimic her actions. He pressed the shear close to the sheep’s skin and tried to let the blade glide through the thick mass of wool. Applejack stared in disbelief as he inexpertly sheared the sheep. His handiwork was terrible but the naturalness with which he held the tool was undeniable. Applejack turned around. Twilight looked at her and tried not to smirk.
“Well I’ll be…” she mumbled quietly.
Twilight smirked.
Before long, Granny Smith took over again. Simon squeezed his knuckles; the shear took some getting used to.
“Good job,” the sheep told him casually. Simon backed away slowly.
At last, it came time for dinner. The three mares and Simon met Big Macintosh on the way back to the farmhouse. Also on the way back, they met a small, beige pony with a red mane and pink hair bow named Applebloom. She came up to about halfway up Simon’s thigh. On first meeting, the two merely stared at one another, trying to comprehend each other.
The group came to the farmhouse. It was a large, rustic building. On entering, the first thing that struck Simon was the smell: the fragrance of a thousand meals seemed to stick to the rafters, as did the sweat of a thousand residents and visitors. The smell of burnt wood lingered. It was stuffy. There was a slight draught. In short, it smelled like a house, well-loved and lived in, and completely unlike Twilight Sparkle’s abode, which smelled like a library. He felt safe and contented just by walking through the door.
On top of the smell of the house, the smell of dinner being prepared was welcome to all of them. Applebloom went to her room and Simon and Twilight were directed to a comfortable sitting room to wait for dinner. Simon sank into a well-stuffed couch and nearly fell asleep. His stomach rumbled happily, knowing full well it would soon be sated. He hadn’t felt so relaxed in three thousand years. Though he couldn’t see it, Twilight watched him and smiled.
Applejack’s family sat down to a huge wooden table laid out with apple-patterned table cloth.
The table was covered in all manner of pastries and steamed vegetables.
All ate heartily, except for the little filly to Simon’s right.
Applejack looked at her sister with concern. “Applebloom, what’s the matter, darlin’? Yer not eatin’.”
The little filly pushed her plate away and put her chin on the table, “Silver Spoon got her Cutie Mark today,” she said in her little accent.
“Aw. Don’t feel bad. You’ll get your Cutie Mark sooner or later.”
“It sure doesn’t feel like it,” she said dejectedly.
Simon reached over and patted Applebloom on her head.
He resumed eating, but was soon interrupted by Applejack quietly addressing him.
“Uh...Simon? Could you...uh…”
Simon looked at her. With a grimace, she tilted her head to one side. Twilight, too, had a pained expression on her face.
He followed Applejack’s gesture, and he found his arm still reaching to Applebloom’s head. His hand was idly scratching the back of her ear. The weight of his hand kept her head pinned to the table. Applebloom was staring at her sister pleadingly.
He drew his hand back. Applebloom, able to move again, turned and glared at him.
A rough laughter was heard. Simon turned to Granny Smith on his left, who was guffawing at what she’d just seen.
“Oh, the look on youngn’s face!” she exclaimed, and burst into a full, almost youthful, laughter. Big Macintosh soon caught it, and was laughing quietly as well. It was infectious. Twilight stifled a laugh that came out as a snort, which in turn sent Applejack into a fit of laughter on her own. Then Simon and Applebloom, at whose expense everyone else was laughing, looked at one another. Simon’s lips curled a little. He saw Applebloom’s do the same. He managed a quiet, wheezy laugh, while Applebloom simply beamed. In less than a minute, the clamour died down and everyone in the room let out a huge collective sigh.
The Apple family were all gathered at their front doors to bid their visitors goodbye. “You’re welcome back anytime, Simon!” Applejack called. She meant it.
Simon and Twilight walked homeward in the dark. Simon followed the sound of Twilight’s hoofsteps.
“So, are you glad we went?” she asked.
He was. He felt himself beaming. Twilight giggled her awareness of his wordless reply.
Something cold touched his cheek. He touched the spot, and found it wet. Soon flakes of snow became visible even in the dark night and not long after the air was thick with snow billowing in silent fury all about them.
When they reached Twilight’s tree-house, they turned and saw Ponyville’s streets covered in a thick blanket of snow, silently burying their tracks.
You promised me a medal Smithee!
A MEDAL!
3629115
Don't listen to him, folks.
Admari, you're FIRED. AGAIN!
3629121 Working for you is like filling in all the contestant slots on "The Apprentice."
I must hear that four times a day.
I'd have to say clunky, and a bit crunchy. Otherwise it's great
It's crunchy, but it certainly has a chewy center.
Apple, defiantly apple.
(Aliens, or extinct species, coming to Equestria should skip the froo-froo hubbub of Canterlot and just go have a dinner at the Apple resident. If any place is the essence of friendliness and family, it's them)
3629189
Well, I'd really like to get rid of the "Clunky", if possible.
Any suggestions?
This was great to read as a finalized chapter! The flow and humor felt very natural, and it's good to see Simon start to get settled.
I have to ask though, did Twilight rotate or inspect the apple at the beginning of Fluttershy's story?
Boom.
Unnecessarily large word is unnecessarily large. It's like, really? You're going to make me pause in the middle of this great story to go wiktionary a word? I mean, I guessed what it meant from context, and was more or less correct, but it's still the matter of why should I have to stop and think about it? That does honestly hurt a story, taking the reader out of it to mull over a text curiosity, of all things. I appreciate that you might want to expand our vocabularies a bit, but I'd have to say reader immersion takes precedence.
If you want to put a large word in anyway, just have it explained what it means. Allow me.
Chunky. Though I'm not entirely sure why, the other words seem to do it even less justice than chunky, so by rule of elimination, it's chunky.
imageshack.us/a/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg
3632045
OKAY! I get it!
I promise I'll never use the word "apocryphal" in another story ever again!
I'm glad you think it's chunky. Chunky and Crunchy are the two I'm going for.
3632041
She did both, but since you mention it, I guess I only need to tell the reader she did one or the other.
3632045
Next you'll be telling me I can't use the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" in my story!
3632045 Personally, I disagree on your point about the term 'apocryphal.'
The most important part of writing from one character's point of view is to make it sound like the story or scene is coming from that character's point of view and vocabulary can be a large part of that. If something sounds the way a character would say it then it's probably best to write it that way, regardless if the reader may or may not know the meaning of a certain word. Anything less is a disservice to the character itself (and is generally a rotten habit to get into, in my opinion).
3630433
That's exactly what I was thinking!
I want Simon to meet all the Mane 6 in a way that reflects both his relationship to them, and what each member brings to the show. In Applejack's case, it's family values, and a homey aesthetic.
That being said, I'm not sure if I did a good job of Fluttershy...
I thought of The Stare Master: She's good with animals, but not kids. I suspect, therefore, she wouldn't be good with clinically depressed humans either.
3629410
What's the chewy centre?
3629410
Seriously, I'd like to know what you think!
Was Applejack too distrusting? Was Simon too emo? Was Twilight too anything?
3632606
Well, I don't know if this what you were going for, but I like how whenever we're reading from a pony's point of view, Simon is like an animal being trained. But then we go to Simon's POV and we see he's just a normal guy.
I think the ponies are acting completely within character. I know I'd be nervous if I was in Applejack's shoes.
I'm just wondering when Simon will get his answers about humanity's fate.
3632637
Simon will get his answers after a lot of time and suffering.
I wouldn't have it any other way
3631767 That's the most annoying thing. I see it, but I don't know how to fix it. Honestly, it's clunky in the begining chapters, and smooths out at the later chapters. If I have the time I'll re-read this, and maybe I can give you something definitive I see you can fix, rather than an overall felling of clunkyness.
3633526
It makes me very sad to see someone with such a cute Avatar upset at my story...
Your avatar is adorable, by the way.
3633564 No, don't be sad. I'm not upset, pinkie promise! I don't like making other people sad. How could I have such an adorable avatar like that if I make people sad?
3633614
Your adorable avatar cheers me up. I'm not sad anymore.
3633638 Yaaay! Cute Luna prevails!
3632121 Well, I might have agreed with you here if this story was written in 1st person. But it's not. Maybe still from Simon's point of view, but regardless, still 3rd person. And there's nothing nasty about the habit of making sure your readers stay immersed in the story. Though I suppose if it came down to a choice between reader immersion and characterization, and there was no third option, then yea, maybe. Just maybe. But really, Simon hasn't rubbed off on me as being a brainiac. Maybe intelligent and educated, but not really the type to use large words all the time. Though I suppose I could be wrong. Then again, I'm an intelligent person, and you don't see me using 'apocraphal' in daily conversation. That would certainly halt a conversation, and therefore I wouldn't use it, I don't see why using it in a narrative is any different, honestly.
And on top of everything else, a story is really only as good as the readers' perception of it. Because honestly, a story that no one has read isn't much of a story, is it? Well anyway, I'll agree to disagree.
3632096 NOPE! And not antidisestablishmentarianism either! I also don't know where you were going with the -y words, but whatever floats your boat, I guess
3634649
I had about a million goals for this story, but one of them was to create one of the most intelligent humans to ever set foot in Equestria. Sure there's a lot he doesn't know, but (I hope) you'll find that he has insight and appreciation for what he knows, and he doesn't just regurgitate facts (though he does a lot of that, too).
I wonder if it's working so far
3638436 Eh... he's not coming off as a genius, but I suppose it would be hard to do that without sort of alienating the readers from him. You know you could fix that as simply as having something happen where Twilight witnesses his intelligence, and actually registers it. Because so far, she still seems in the area of 'he's barely above a wild animal.' Perhaps at about cow standards now. The last time he did anything noteworthy was when he tried to prove his intelligence with that geometric law. And Twilight all but ignored that.
So... just give him some insightful moment wherein Twilight winds up thinking 'wow, that was really smart.' That kind of a thing. Because like I said, make him too smart and then readers won't be able to identify with him anymore. But you've been doing great so far.
3639076 I don't really understand why you think Twilight sees Simon as an animal.
She invited him to dinner and has been trying to pull him out of his depression and she's openly admitted that she believes his claims about being over three thousand years old. It seems to me that she recognizes Simon as person.
3639097>>3639076
I think Twilight thinks of Simon as a problem child.
Probably because he's kind of acting like one:
This is a temper tantrum. This is something three-year-olds do.
He's acting an eleventh his age.
I think I'm gonna try harder to demonstrate his intelligence in the future.
3639097 She wasn't exactly confident that Simon wouldn't just go out and eat one of the cows.
3639119 Yea, that's not helping at all.
3640116 It says right in the first segment of the chapter that Twilight completely trusts him around the cattle.
3641370 *inhales* *SIGHS HEAVILY*
Twi said it herself, she's NOT sure. Just because she changed her stance based on a technicality, doesn't change that she, at the very least, was briefly unsure to begin with. And, in my opinion, is still unsure, but willing to bet on it, so to speak.
And there you have it. *blows bubbles from pipe while sitting in lounge chair*
3644811
I'm just happy to see people care enough about my story that they're willing to sift through it like this!
have a prime number:
331
3645977 Quite the honor, isn't it? And thank you! Pretty sure this is the 2nd I've received from you!
First time review, I'll try to keep it short.
The protagonist is unable of speech, add more thoughts(hunger for meat), reactions(when he saw the animals talking), and interactions with others(the Apple family).
Do you plan on Celestia and Luna having more prominent roles in the story? If not, I would suggest on removing the "tags". Maybe add them back later.
Take your time, don't rush. Waiting for the next chapter, keep up the good work. Up voted and favorite.
3661960
Yeah. Writing a non-speaking protagonist requires special emotional consideration. I guess I should re-read The Stand. That might help.
Celestia, yes. Luna, not so much. Celestia plays a huge role in the story, even if she doesn't appear much. I'll remove the tag for Luna.
Thanks for giving me your thoughts. I'm always glad to hear constructive criticism.
So, did you change anything?
Oh Sweet! I guess I know what I'm reading when I return to the land of the living... Stupid sleep requirements... Getting in the way of word absorption and knowledge acquirement!
3924068
3924430
I changed something then I changed it right back.
I was talking to somebody who was complaining about the chronology.
I tried to fix the issue where the chronology suddenly snaps backward. I know that part's confusing, and I tried fixing it by putting the "Pinkie Premonition" part at the beginning, and shuffling some other parts around.
Then I remembered the first two chapters are what they are because they're really important for setting the mood.
I'm really, really sorry. I was under a lot of stress last night, and I tried to take my mind off it here, I guess.
3925111
I couldn't have said it better myself. The beginning of any story makes or breaks the whole thing. And if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Glad to hear you figured that out.
You know what this needs... More chapters! :)
I just re-read the last one. I really do love the bit with the shears. Really sorta hammers it home. The bit with Bloom was adorable too!
3995742
It's coming! I swear!
I had a mad writing jam last night. I think it'll be done before the end of the month!
Don't hold me to that, though.
So if Britan is Equestria that means that the crystal empire is Scotland