After a long day of cloud busting Rainbow Dash was pretty worn out, as she strode through Ponyville on her way to Sugarcube Corner. The Cake's have had some new crazy contraption put in called a vending machine, and it can serve ice-cold drinks whenever you want from apple-cider to blueberry juice.
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haha a japan vending machine
1855018
Yea it was the first that came up.
Wow.....um, bro? Ok, first, it was vey hard to read, always, always, ALWAYS be sure to seprate when others speak such as:
"Hey Derpy, what are you doing?" Twilight Sparkle asked slowly glancing at the gray furred pegasus with her blond mane and tail who was glaring at a gray cloud in front of her.
"Having a starting contest with a cloud, shhh...don't tell it I'm going to win." the wall eyed pegasus asnwered with a glare at the cloud, not even turning her head to adresss Twilight proprely, her left eye staring at the cloud as her right slid downward.
You got it? Also make sure your ponies/other creatures are not OOC, I love Rainbow Dash/Derpy but Rainbow seemed really OOC so be very careful about that.
Try to re-edit it if poissible, other then that everything looks ok but be sure to use , in the words when it is needed, and thanks for having my favorite pony in all of Equestria in this (Derpy). I'll be awaiting to see what else you have with future stories, let me know if you need any help, ideas or advice, peace.
1855258
k thanks for the tips fixing it as i speak.
1855335 capital k LOL, and I, and glad to hear such brother, tell me when your done because would like to re-raed it and aid you if I can
1855379 Done with it now, I am going to watch a few episodes to fix the ooc issue.
1855395 Awesome, then I'll re-read now and PONIES! Don't tempt me boy
I'm just about to update Melting a cold heart and I really don't want to be tempted by an episode....or two.....or four, DAMN IT, CRASH!
Edit: Much better still some errors but not a train crash like before brother, no offense, it is your first story after I'll, you'll get used to it and I'll be here to aid you every step of the way. Also, it's a lot, not alot, I know I made the mistake before so just one more tip.
1855424
One dose not simply watch one episode of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic.
And can't wait to see the update.
A few things. I liked the idea and the concept, but the execution needs a bit of work. Specifically...
-You need to proof read with closer scrutiny. There are a lot of small typos and errors that are easily fixed, and they kinda start to pile up and drag down the quality of the story as a whole. Your verb tenses and syntax were off in several places, and there were more than a few misspelled words.
-Try to avoid over-used cliches. Pinkie doesn't need to say "Okie-dokie-lokie" so many times, as it makes her sound like a broken record rather than random and zany. It seems like she'd try to mix it up a bit, rather than say the same statement over and over. Likewise, Derpy saying "I just don't know what went wrong" seems a little bit forced, and was clearly a callback to "The Last Roundup." References are alright, but try not to make them so blatant.
-Be careful with keeping characters in-character. As you write, ask yourself "Is this what so-and-so would REALISTICALLY say or do?" Can you logically see them saying or acting this way? Does their dialogue make sense? If you're not sure about a line, perhaps it's best to just try a different line instead and see if it works better.
-Slooooow doooooown.
There were a few places where dialogue and exposition seemed to flow at a rather brisk clip. Breaking some lines and dialogue up into multiple sentences or adding more commas/pauses might help to give it a more even pace. Particularly the last few lines, with Derpy's confession. Add some commas or periods, because it sounds like they're both just quickly blurting stuff out rather than awkwardly fumbling over their words like you tried to imply.
-Dialogue punctuation. Don't end dialogue with a period and then immediately say "X said." For example... The segment "Okie dokie lokie." Chirped Pinkie, should instead be "Okie dokie lokie," chirped Pinkie. Generally, if you're ending dialogue with a period and then immediately saying "X said" or "Y stated" or any variant of that, you use a comma instead.
I'm sorry if this seems overly critical; I'm just trying to help point you in the write direction. I think if you actually know what you specifically need to fix, you'll be able to learn and improve your writing a lot faster. Just keep at it, and I'm sure you'll be cranking out awesome stuff in no time.
1855451 Don't tell me THAT!
And buck it, I'm going to watch some ponies then come back to the chapter
1855469 You and I are going to get along just fine
1855469No no criticism is good I need to improve . Also I know my grammar is is bad I really need to work on it. Thank you for the insight!
1855469
He's pretty spot on here.
It is a neat little story idea but you need to polish it up. Re-reading your story with a very critical eye several times over is key to becoming a better writer. Make sure as you read to question all that you've written and make sure every choice of action is well explained. You won't catch everything. No writer ever does. But the more you practice this, the more you'll catch mistake before you release your work.
Think the most confusing mistakes you've got going on is the lack of quotation marks. Really botches up what's being said.
Also, wouldn't this be put under the romantic tag? Really looks like it’s going into shipping.
Any who… Just keep at it! The more you write, the more you criticize yourself, the better you’ll get!
1855823 Um okay where was lack of quotation marks? I don't see it other than one or two places, and fixing it now.
not trying to be rude or anything. Just be a little more specific please.
1855823>>1855469>>1855258
All right I hope it is fixed now, let me know if it needs more work, how-ever I don't think it will be a one shot now. Also I hope Rainbow Dash is less ooc now.
1856011 I'll look it over again, and thanks to you I have watched about four to five episodes....and they...were...AWESOME!!! Seen Dragonshy again, an episode I have not watched in a very long time and I loved it. So far I'm having a really good day
Edit: Eh, I'm still noticing errors but it's all chill bro, NO ONE is perfect, some things just get by you every now and then though be sure to use ,<- these things when able, otherwise it's hard to understand it, but like I said, none are perfect, I seen the words eyes when the animal only had one eye before in a published and very detailed book so it happens to the best of us, and if this is truely a RainbowDerp then you know for a fact I'll be awaiting more.
You don't have to have many chapters, two or three is perfect though just be sure to look over it very, very carefully before posing it, ok?
1856022 You are welcome.
1856032 Bastard
Nah, I'm kidding, thanks bro, though now I'll wait for tomorrow to update that chapter, pertty tired, peace and Happy Hoildays. Have a Derpy, best pony in all of Equestria:
Looks a little bit better but there's still a lot of work to be done! I'm not the best to rely on for corrections but here's some tiny ones...
"here" refers to a place. It should be "hear" which refers to sound.
"wired" refers to wires/cables/cords. It should be "weird" which refers to being strange.
Easy fix. Might want to end "busting," with a period if "Oh" is gonna start out in caps. You also have the starting quotation parted for Derpy's line at the end of RD's.
1856328 Think you I should not edit at 5:30 in the morning, I have no clue how I missed those!
1855503>>1855469>>1855823
Right finally done with re-proofreading it.
Also for the love of God if I missed anything let me know.
I don't know why but thing like this make me happy that i'm related to the inventor of the vending machine.