InfinityKnight
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One thing I don't get about the new writers, is one of the excuses is always "written in a hurry". If you have to hurry to write something, then just find a other time to do it.
Anyway, one of the first problems is that you don't create a new paragraph when another person speaks. 2nd, it's an OC. That's an auto down vote for most users unless you have a GREAT, and I mean great back story...what we have here will not cut it. That's not even the worst part about it. I don't even know what he looks like. 3rd of all, this has been done too many times to count. We need back story in modern clopfic writing, short back story, then sex is too, I don't know, played out, for a lack of better words. An experienced author can make it work. 4th and foremost, there also doesn't seem to be much emotion in the Clop. Nowhere in the story did i know how either of them felt. It's all description and no feeling. If I were to summarize this story, I would say exactly this WITHOUT missing significant detail. "An unidentified OC moves into Ponyville, and gets to know Twilight better through means of which I don't know. All of a sudden, she has a crush on him that developed from nowhere. They head into an open area to test a spell, which is where they ultimately express each others feelings, and have seemingly meaningless, unprotected sex.
Maybe it was just the formatting that's holding this story back from becoming a bit better, I'd fix that first As a matter-o-fact, I'd get an editor, just to be safe.
It does indeed feel rushed; however, you yourself already identified that as a potential problem. I'd say stick with most of what Vinyl_Shy posted, and not to get discouraged by the "auto-downvote" comment. I don't believe people will react quite so vitriolic to an OC. Certainly not if you take some time to flesh him out a bit!
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I agree with this. Which is why I'm revisiting this story.
Though I do have a editing program. Ms office, to be exact.
Also, I am revisiting the sex scene to at least make it a bit better, I did the wrong thing and rushed that whole part of the story. And lastly, I accidentally put OC exept for Other. This is badically Pony Anon x Twilight Sparkle.
Is this anthro? Other than that (and your aforementioned errors) fairly good I would sugeest this being a middle chapter.
*reading it* da da da da da well that escalated quickly
I rushed the sex scene in a clopfic.
And is your guy a man, anthro,
Black coat and red manedor a pony? Anyway, better then most fanfictions I've read, Good job.