Prologue: A sorrowful memory...
Every now and then, there is somepony in this cruel, heartless world that finds themselves especially hard done by. Somepony who, although they had the same circumstances of birth as everypony else, soon finds that their life is seemingly unfairly blighted by tragedy, by fear, by simple bad luck. For many of these unfortunate souls, it simply becomes too much to bear…
In many ways, Germanica was one such pony. Who is Germanica, you ask yourself? Well, she was a young unicorn. Her coat was as white as the snows of the arctic north, her eyes a deep, dark brown, revealing a hidden wisdom that she has gathered throughout the years. Her mane was long and thick, with a beautiful blending of light grey and silver flowing through its locks. The same was true of her tail. And her cutie mark? That is the most interesting detail. The thing is, she didn't have one. Ever. Even today, she lives as a fully-fledged blank flank.
From this, one would assume her life would serve no useful purpose, as surely, if one has no cutie mark, then they have no known talent. But this was not the case. The lack of cutie mark was just one thing that caused Germanica torment, but would not stop her from fulfilling the one thing that all ponies have in common: their duty to fulfill their destinies…
This is why she never gave up on life. She was just forced out of normal society.
Forced out, for many reasons.
Sometimes, the fate of the world finds itself hanging on the shoulders of the most unlikely soul. And when this happens, that soul must persevere over the odds for the good of everything that they love and hold dear.
This is who Germanica is, and this is her story…
Deep inside the Everfree Forest…
We find Germanica walking, alone, through this mystical place. She often walked through its vast expanses of dense woodland, its reputation keeping many a pony away from it. This suited Germanica, as she was not one for seeking the attention of others. There were so many legends and myths that haunted this wood and Germanica had heard them all before. The word of terrifying monsters and the ponies that had entered it, never to be seen again. This was not enough to put Germanica off the place. She was eighteen years old: she had spent at least half of her life here since she was six, and so far she had never come close to experiencing any harm here. In fact, she spent so much time in the forest that it had become a home for her. But then, she had many homes. Some might say she only had one; the world. This is because since she was six, she had lived a totally nomadic life, seldom ever travelling near or inside the cities, towns and villages that dotted the landscape of Equestria.
As she was walking through this ancient place, she saw something that stood out from the ancient wood of an old Oak’s trunk. “Writing?” she whispered to herself. “But, that’s impossible! Nopony else ever comes this deep into the woods here.” An overpowering curiosity took over the white unicorn, and she edged closer to the carved scripture in the bark. Memories flooded her mind. “How… How could I have forgotten? I carved this! Yes, all those years ago when I was just a young filly. When I still had…” A sudden choke cut short her sentence. A tear rolled down her face. “When I still had, my mother!” she exclaimed. “Mother…” This was somepony she hadn't thought about for many years. “Let me read that again. “My special sitting spot. Germanica” Yes, I… certainly carved that.” With this realization, an unbearable sadness took over her body. Her limbs became weak, so weak, she collapsed. “Mother…” More tears seeped from her eyes. Germanica started to lose her awareness of the world, and her mind gradually went deeper and deeper into the backlogs of this poor mares memories. “I’m so sorry…”
The same location, fourteen years prior to Germanica’s discovery of the carving…
“Look, dear. That large tree over there would be great to have a picnic under!” The voice that uttered these words was soft and loving in nature. It clearly belonged to a pony that had something to live, to fight, for. That thing was a four year old Germanica. Yes, this was the voice of her mother. “It’s so shady there, Germanica, why don’t you find a comfortable spot under it to lay out our blanket?” Germanica, so full of life at this time, galloped off to the tree, and trotted several times around the huge trunk before she finally settled down. “This spot’s nice, mummy. Look at all the flowers and butterflies here, it’s so pretty!” A huge smile crossed the young foals face, cheek to cheek. Her mother’s heart melted like ice cream left in the sun when she saw how happy her daughter was. “Come dear, you need to move aside while I lay out our lunch. It will only take five minutes. How about you go and look at the plants while I do that?” Germanica gave no answer, but with her youthful excitement she ran a few yards to a patch of bluebells. This was answer enough for her mother. “It’s ready darling!” Germanica was back almost as soon as her mother finished this sentence. “Did you bring our favorite apples from Sweet Apple Acres? They’re so crunchy and yummy and…” Her words were cut short by her mother saying “Yes.” So, they got down to their meal.
“Mummy, do you think that I’ll be as pretty as you one day? As pretty as your white coat, your brown mane, your brown eyes?” Her mother’s eyes went soft, and she put one of her fore hooves onto Germanica’s shoulder, telling her “Sweetie, you’re already prettier than I am.” This led to another inquiry by the curious filly. “But I don’t have a cutie mark. You do. Tell me again how you found it, please?” Her mother sighed. “OK, but remember, how I found mine will not be how you find yours. Anyway, as you know, your grandmother named me Calla Lily. This is because when I was born, there were some of these flowers in the room at the time. The only flowers, actually. As our family has been archiving the different plants of Equestria for three generations now, we started a tradition of naming ourselves after various plants.” Germanica interrupted Calla Lily here. “But I have never heard of a plant called a Germanica before. Why is that?” Calla Lily let out a brief chuckle. “Because dear, your name is from a scientific title. Sometimes, the plant that suits somepony has a common name that would not work as the name for said pony. You do know the plant; there are some in your room in a vase.” “My… Chiltern Gentians?” Germanica asked, unsure if sure was correct. A slight smile appeared on Calla Lily’s face. “You’re learning! Yes, well I thought they suited you perfectly. But their common name, no. So I took the word Germanica out of their scientific name, and there you are. Germanica” “I see.” Germanica said with much wonder. “Will you go back to your cutie mark now, mum?” “Of course dear” Calla Lily said lovingly.
“I was walking in the countryside that surrounds Ponyville. I was about 6 years old. While here, I came across somepony looking for some flowers to pick. I had to stop them when I saw them, however, as I realized they were about to take some that were poisonous to the touch. Not terribly bad, but enough to cause a pony to become bed-ridden for a few weeks. I was able to redirect him to some safe plants. It was then that I realized that I would love to carry on the work of our family, archiving the plants of Equestria and knowing what’s what, and so, out of nowhere, a picture of my namesake, a Calla Lily, appeared on my flank.”
“That is amazing.” Germanica said, with an air of inspiration in her voice. Mother and daughter finished their meal together, and played a few games afterwards. Soon though, the young filly was asking Calla Lily “Can we go home now? I’m so tired.” Calla Lily told Germanica “OK dear. But first, you should make this spot ours. Why don’t you carve something into the bark of this tree?” “OK mum!” With this, Germanica floated a sharp rock, with some assistance from Calla Lily, and carved the words “My special sitting spot. Germanica” into the trunk. Tired, Germanica fell asleep on Calla Lily’s back for the journey home. “That’s my girl.” Calla Lily whispered to her slumbering foal. “We’ll be home soon.” It had been a long, exciting, interesting day. No wonder Calla Lily found herself carrying her precious, only daughter home. Her only love in the world...
Soon enough, they arrived at their cottage, which was located on the edge of Ponyville. Ever so gently, Calla Lily whispered to her daughter: “Germanica? Germanica? Wake up darling; you need to have a bath before you go to bed. C’mon, wake up.” Two brown eyes appeared from behind that silver-grey curtain of hair, as it was pulled apart by two small hooves. “Bath? OK…” The small white unicorn was floated off onto the ground by Calla Lily, who used a simple levitation spell to stand her daughter on the ground.
The two went inside.
None could foresee just how precious this memory could be. Alas. None could foresee how painful it would be as well…
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Lolwut
Actually, I ask myself why I didn’t order a Big Mac with fries, but go on.
No need for the capitalization here
We’ve got a lot of stories like this already...
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Need a comma between “wood” and “and”
Damn, she must be wearing her lucky panties.
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Better to use bold, or italics to signify this.
Alas.
Ok, so not bad. Not the best thing ever, and some of your sentences seemed awkward. Just fix the things I pointed out, and enjoy!
-Regidar, Top Commenter, signing off.
1811605 OK. Possibly the most lengthy comment I've ever seen, but OK. I'm somewhat tired at the time of writing, it's very early in the morning, so I'm not making any changes just yet. Don't get me wrong though. I am looking at what you're saying and I will of course be editing to make things work better. Thanks for reading!
*Debesh cracks his neck.*
Reidgar seems to have beaten me to the punch, but let's see if I can provide some insights he hasn't.
Story descriptions are for two things. The first is to let people know what the story is about, and the second is to get them to read your story. Anything that isn't fulfulling one of these two purposes doesn't belong in the description and should instead be in an A/N in a blog post or comment on the story. Trimmed down, your description looks like this:
The second version is a rough edit to fix up a lot of the awkward phrasing and grammar problems.
Now, there's a lot of grammar and spelling issues, so I'd suggest getting yourself a proofreader or going over your story yourself. One thing you should do is read your story out loud; doing this will let you catch the vast majority of the errors you make, even if it sounds a bit silly at first. Trust me.
Oh dear. Oh dear. Alarm bells are going off, dear author. Your name is the same as your OC... and while this is possibly harmless, it suggests that you have an unhealthy emotional attachment to your character, and it's one of the signs of a Mary Sue.
Might want some sort of decoration to make it obvious it's a transition. I've seen a lot of variants, but they can be pretty simple. For example...
Just something like that.
If you're telling us she's there, though, you don't need a scene transition like that ;P
Umm... why? The Everfree is full of monsters, from manticores to cockatrices to dragons; how has a pony lived there for years without getting attacked by a single one?
Not really much here for me to review, and I'm going to have to warn you to be careful; the stars are aligning and it seems that your character could very easily become a Mary Sue here. Get yourself a proofreader and keep on writing; I'll keep half an eye on this.
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer
1814952 Yes, thanks for your comments. The first thing I would like to say is that, while I totally see what you mean about my username, I feel that this is my choice. I'm sorry, but I simply feel that as a username, as long as there is nothing offensive within it, then it is nothing to complain about. If it turns out that ones username is the same as their OC, does this truly have to mean there is some kind of strange attachment, or perhaps merely a simple online title to serve as a means of identification? Sorry. Feel free to answer, for as long as the discussion is intelligent I have no problem with hearing any criticism. This of course is an essential thing to be able to take if I am to get any better.
As for what you say of the rest of what I currently have published, please understand that I completely agree with your points. I know that there is a lot of editing I need to do. A proofreader is a great idea! I shall try to find one.
As for that point you made about the creatures that we know live in the Everfree Forest, I am not trying to deny their existence. Quite the opposite, in fact. I know this may not sound like the case from what you read, but I'm trying my best. Another point I'd like to make here is that, if a pony can't live in the Everfree Forest, then why is Zecora able to? I know she's technically not a pony, but aside from being a zebra, what real difference exists between her and a pony? Perhaps I sound stupid here, but that is simply what I think.
Anyway, I guess to sum things up, I totally understand and indeed appreciate what you have to say. It will not be forgotten. Thank you.
1815966
There's nothing wrong with having the same username as your OC. Hell, I do too (kinda the other way around, but whatever). The problem is that when your favorite OC is also the main character of your story, there's always the risk that you'll let your attachment to her get in the way of a good story. Just keep it in mind and you should be alright.
I live to serve.
1811605....... I've seen you somewhere before...... And Debesh Unnos...... Whatever. MLP Germanica is English, by the way. But since you didn't point out the "mummy" and the "mum" you might've already guessed as much. Or you thought that this was intentional to signify Germanica's age, which could be very possible indeed. I just had to say something because you are extremely familiar..................
Cheers,
- Fellstar
1816439 I feel like an idiot! Of all the things to fail to point out, my nationality. One that plays the mightiest of havoc with Trans-Atlantic communication, at that!
1816439 I should be, for I am god.
And now for my actual thoughts and feelings associated with this story thus far...
Alright! Well I think the story is fantastic so far! The connections between Germanica and her mother, Calla Lily, is so far well written. You put an appropriate emphasis on this, and seems to be leading the reader (me/others) to get a feel of foreshadowing, which I like. And since I think you are foreshadowing, (you are, aren't you?) which is by all means a good sign. If your story has the reader thinking, then that means it is interesting. Arguing in any direction, and it has obvious reasons of interest. Now to Germanica.
I like how well you described her. It really caught me off guard with how detailed you got in your description of her. And it is a nice change that the family is centered around pholia. I mean, most of my ideas for things are magical and ancient, which are TWO things unoriginal. And finally, I must say once more, that setting the reader up with multiple cases of foreshadowing really makes him/her want to read the rest once it's out!
Keep up the imaginative work,
- Fellstar
P.S. (Using subtle instances of foreshadowing is also fun!)
1816454 'Tis a simple mistake! It's no big deal, really.
1816473 But a Knight of Irony does not believe in such things as, "gods." We believe in the realm of physical perception and mental exertion. Meaning: We only believe in what we can prove, and we love to question everything.
1811605;lol, did you put enough tim3 int0 reading over the entire story and you must also remimber that he is A STUPID BRIT THAT NO-ONE LIKES!!!(we are actualy friends lol)