To say Derpy Hooves, a gray furred Pegasus most known for her crossed golden eyes, was surprised was a bit of an understatement—okay, maybe more than that.
So much was it so that she needed a smoke and felt a headache coming on now as her younger unicorn sister, Dinky Doo, held one of the biggest smiles a filly could muster at her older sister, who had to keep from rubbing her forehead with her forehooves.
“I did great, right, Ditzy? Didn't I do great?” Dinky spoke. Dinky resembled her older sister with her short blond mane and tail and a soft shade of gray—although hers was a lighter shade—and had big yellow eyes that always made her look as innocent and sweet as she was.
The gray mare heaved an audible sigh hearing her little sister's nickname for her before looking at the stallion; an Earth Pony to be exact, with a brown saddle bag on his back that was soaked to the bone because of the large heavy downpour in Ponyville that would be happening for four days straight.
The stallion before her was quite handsome, she had to admit. His coat and short mane were both nearly the same shade of brown, as well as his long, mesmerizing eyes. With an hourglass Cutie Mark on his flank, he smiled sheepishly at the mare standing in front of him, before a hacking cough forced him to break eye contact.
Derpy scowled. She hated when her sister did something without letting her know. Of course, it would make sense to help somepony out when such awful weather was in the town and was the only sensible thing to do as her younger sister was not heartless. She had never been raised to be such, unlike herself, who learned a bit late to never just trust somepony just because they smiled at you.
She had been forced into the streets by her parents because she had hung out with the wrong crowd during Flight School.
Smoking, drinking, doing drugs, she knew that Gilda the Griffon and Rainbow Dash. along with a few other ponies that she was with, were never a good choice, but she had ignored it and paid the ultimate price because of it. Getting kicked out and almost being with a foal twice but having a miscarriage on both was her luck with her being so young—that was when she was at the age of seventeen, and now she was twenty one years old.
Of course she regrets it, but because of her crossed eyes that she had since birth, many ponies would not take her seriously. Her so called ‘friends’ never gave a shit about her, save for Rainbow Dash, who helped her get her mail job and bring her to Ponyville, but Derpy was still on edge and angry with what the cyan mare put her through and what she had allowed of herself.
Her parents had died two years before on a train ride to visit the Crystal Kingdom, and she had been forced to take care of younger sister, who while young, was very, very brave and had accepted their parents death. The same couldn't be said for Derpy, who had gotten drunk and cried her eyes out for two weeks before she had accepted it.
Now, now she had to make the choice of helping this grown stallion, who might have caught a cold or worse because he had been too stupid to stay out of the rain.
“Thank, thank you, fair lady. I did not expect such hospitably from such a young-"
“Cut the bullshit. What kind of adult goes out into the rain when this damn town's been warned it would be raining for four days?” Derpy interrupted harshly as the stallion cringe from her cruel tone.
“Um….I apologize, allow me to introduce myself. I am Doctor Whooves, you may just call me Doctor if you wish. I have just come into this town from a train ride from Dodge Junction, where I had been working with a young mare who deals with cherries. I've been saving up enough bits to move here and have not been given the chance to look at a place to stay, for obvious reasons. Though I have been out in the hard falling rain for three hours now and did not get the news until the last second, I’m truly sorry, Miss.”
Derpy blinked in a hint of sympathy before her eyes hardened. She used her right wing to grab a Diseased Stallion cigarette from her right ear and her tail to grab a lone match near her kitchen table. Lighting the match before doing the same with the tobacco, she inhaled deeply before exhaling out gray smoke from her nose then sat down on the floor.
Closing her eyes, she opened them again to see her sister and the Doctor staring at her, silently asking her to speak. She sighed then said with a fake smile, “Derpy. Derpy Hooves, and this is my little sister Dinky. Look, trust me, it’s going to be tough out there once the rain stops. Sorry about your saddle bag and your health, but to tell the truth, you only entered day one of this downpour, so you are not going to be able to get a chance at finding a house, let alone a damn job until it’s over, Doctor.” Her tone was as soft as she could before she blew a large gray cloud of smoke from her nose, to which the stallion waved away with a forehoof and coughed.
“I understand, Miss Hooves, and I do not mean to be much of a bother. But if I could be so kind to ask for a bit of-"
“No.”
“Sis…come on, look at him. He’s soaked, and he has nowhere else to go. We can’t be so cruel to just send him back out into the rain. It’s freezing,” Dinky defended the Doctor, causing him to blink in surprise from the young filly’s angry tone.
But Derpy had had enough. No one gave a shit about her when she was thrown out; no one but Rainbow Dash, though that was only to redeem herself from the guilt that clawed at her heart, and they both knew that.
So why should she lend a hoof to a grown stallion who she did not even know? For all she knew, this bastard could be a murderer.
“Dinky, that’s enough, go to your room. Let grown ponies talk alone,” Derpy growled at her younger sister while taking a longer drag of her smoke. She blew it out of the right side of her mouth.
“But—”
“Now!” Derpy shouted.
The small, scared filly ran up to her room, tears running down her face. The mare then turned her eyes towards the Doctor, who pawed at the floor nervously.
“Miss Hooves, honestly, I mean no—”
“Shut it! Listen, I know it’s a bit harsh and cruel for me to do this, but I’m having a harder time taking care of me and my sister. We don’t got enough for a damn stallion, who was too bucking stupid to not know what the weather was going to be in the town he was going to ahead of time. Life’s tough; oh well.” Derpy voice as cold as ice as she spoke. She used her tail to take her smoke out and put it out,and then she got up from the floor and walked towards the stallion. He gulped, a bit afraid of the mare with her crossed golden eyes in front of him. The left eye looked right at him, with the right sliding to the side as neither held any pity towards the male in front of her.
“Miss Hooves, please if you just—”
“And stop calling me Miss Hooves, damn it. I am not my mother,” Derpy snapped, causing the Doctor to cut off his words before he continued with a nervous breath.
“Derpy, please... I have the bits to repay you, I can help you—”
“I don’t need your bucking HELP!” Derpy shouted.
The Doctor froze again fearfully. He waited a total of five minutes before speaking again. “I... I meant no disrespect, honest. But I could get very sick out in that freezing rain. I could die from hypothermia. Please, all I’m asking is for a few days of rest, no more. I could pay you for your help, if you wish, and will only eat what you make and sleep where you wish; nothing more, I swear,” he said softly.
She turned her head away, thinking hard. Finally, she took another deep breath before replying, “Fine, four days only. No more. Try anything with me and my sister, and I’ll kick your ass and send you to the hospital, and that’s not a threat; it’s a promise. Got it, Doc?” she spat with malice as the Doctor allowed a small smile to grace his face before he nodded.
“Good. Now take off your damn saddle bag and go take a shower. You stink. But first, go get me my smokes from my room. After your shower and my smoke, we are going to lay down some ground rules. Towels are upstairs in the hallway to the left in the closet, shower is to the right, so don’t get lost. Bring me my smokes quick, Doc, which should be on my dresser to the left, my door being the same way,” Derpy instructed bitterly.
The Doctor saluted with a forehoof, trotting out the kitchen to the stairs. Derpy sighed loudly. What the buck had she just gotten herself into?
Look for errors and inform me of such if you please will, thank you friends
this gets an insta fav from me!
One word
I'll get to reading it soon, for now it's in another tab for later
1786166 How the buck did you do that? It just got posted a second ago, Thanks brother, seriously...hope you like it.
1786178 im a wizard, thats how i did it. but i know i will like it.
Damn, that's a small cover pic.
1786177 Had a feeling it was, thank you brother
1786190 Crazy brother, you know that?
1786200 True that hope you like the story brother.
1786211 yes. and also by state standards.
i don't normally read dark fics...but this...
... ... *fav's*
1786225 Good point
1786257 And I'm glad you like it brother, if you can tell me what you do and do not like or what can be changed, you know...be detailed for the sake of the story
1786272 bu state standards i am actually insane. mut i keep it in check
1786290 Just barely So have you read the story yet bro?
1786295 not yet. i am in the middle of reading...
1786519 Shall wait
1786585 i shall get to it though
I will be keeping my eye on this. Interested to see how this develops. Have a thumb up.
1786592 I believe you bro.
1786598 By the GODS! Thank you, thank you so much, honestly did not expect you to review
Rule 1: Don't eat her muffins.
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJ2MjAxMi8wOC8xOS8xNV8wMF8yOF8zMTJfNzc4MjRfX1VOT1BUX19zYWZlX2RlcnB5X2hvb3Zlc19kb2N0b3Jfd2hvb3Zlc190aW1lX3R1cm5lcl9tdWZmaW5fYXJ0aXN0X215c3RlcnlmYW5ib3k3MTgGOgZFVA/77824__safe_derpy-hooves_doctor-whooves_muffin_time-turner_artist-mysteryfanboy91_artist-mysteryfanboy718.jpg
1786735 Good point, and the second rule?
1786773
Not sure yet, give me time to come up wit more.
1786809 Will do Next chapter should be up by tomorrow, why the buck am I still awake?
1786847
I'm about to go to sleep too (dat y I don't have more rules) hopefully have some rules b4 u post next chapter.
Wow this is interesting, and I take it this is the mlp cannon Dr. Whooves aka Time Turner, not Timelord Whooves right? It was a good read can't wait to see more!
Ugh, cliffhangers!
1786878 I have no clue who your talking about but sure
1787392 Your welcome
1788183What I mean is Dr. Whooves from the My little pony. Not Dr. Who?
1788471 Ah, I hear yeah. Yes I think he is Doctor Whooves
It seems that Derpy is kinda OOC in this fic. I mean, I know you have made her a whole "hardened and gruff" sort of character, with a background to support, but I'm sure that a lot of us are going to have trouble relating to this.
Hmmmm.....
Interesting way of portraying Derpy there. Much more different than the Fandom version of her. It's refreshing to say the least.
The chapter was a little short for me tho. But it did its' job of telling the reader what is going on clearly enough. Still this story is most likely to be ignored by hardcore Derpy fans.
Other than that, it is a daring concept to take and is interesting to read.
Now going on to read more.
A Derpy that isn't all motherly and kind and stuff? You immediately got my attention! While I don't care for Derpy, I have read fanfiction with so much of her, and they all make her this sweet little thing, as expected since, well, it's My Little Pony. And she is quite adorable. And yet this darker way which you interpret her is just so different--but in an awesome way.
I guess my only critque is that in the beginning, you add in this whole introduction to the character--giving us all about their appearances--so suddenly, it's pretty much forced. It's hard and painful to read, so I'd rather just see it throughout the chapter rather than pressed into one measly sentence.
Also, I noticed something that happens a bit here (I don't know if this was noticed by anyone in other chapters, so I'm just going off what I see here):
With paragraphs like these, you have everything put in one sentence, whether using conjugation or just making run-ons. And I see this in quite a few parts. Stories need to breath, and a lot of these paragraphs don't, so separate a few parts into their own sentences, or at least with other punctuation like commas. So it would changed to look like this.
It's just much easier to read.
Other than that, I like it. I love how different this Derpy is compared to just about 99% of other fan's versions of the background character, and it takes real guts to do that. Many people would probably be like "Oh, datz not our Derpy, you stupid author! Your story is stupid, your stoopid, jump off a cliff!!!!one!!!HATE!!one!" Me? I love it. I personally don't read stories with just background characters unless I have read the authors work before or they are that good, but I'll stick around for this one. I like where this is going and wonder if the Doctor will help Derpy out of her stone cold temper.
1788507 Hmmm. Miss Dark Angel makes a ton of good points. I love the idea of the story, since everyone has her as a perfect or mistreated mother. If your first language isn't english, than I'll gladly give you a pass on the dialogue but it would definitely help to find an editor. Some of the paragraphs are just odd. They explain TOO much in a short amount of time. I understand if the Doctor had explained his situation in a conversation with Derpy, but you jammed it all into one sentence. There are also a few situations that are a bit unbelievable, such as the 5 minute period of silence the two have when they are alone in the living room. All in all it's a good story but an editor or a good tune up could make this thing exceptional. 8.5 out of 10
1912475
This paragraph is very tough to swallow. It's a minefield of commas, fragmenting this sentence into bits and pieces. 1 to 2 commas per sentence is the way I go. "She knew that drinking, smoking, and drugs would come with a hefty price, yet she ignored the obvious and stuck with a bad crowd composed of a prismatic mare and an ill-tempered griffion. To make matters worse, she had been expelled and impregnated on two separate occasions, only to be save by miscarriages and her youth."
I'm not saying that this is a better way to write up a paragraph but it flows a bit more smoothly.
Too much info in one paragraph.
This is a lot to swallow AND it can be used to expand on future chapters!
"I'm sorry for the intrusion, but I haven't found a place to stay, for obvious reasons. I'm truly sorry for taking up any of your time miss..."
Personally this would be enough info for me. I'm not saying to change it but thats alot of info from the stallion in one paragraph. Thats the kind of stuff that could have been discussed in later chapters as the two bonded.
Well while I do like my ponies a bit on the brighter side of things, I gotta say..
Ya did well. It's well-written and I enjoyed the storyline progression. Nicely done, Inferno.
Damn Derpy... Harsh much?
This style of writing... It's so unique! I might check out your other stories after this one. I've never seen writing like this, and it's fasinating!
ALLON-ZY!
3960027 i agree. man, did u read the part where she was smoking a CIGARETTE?! derpy doesn't smoke! or drink! and never cusses, because she's supposed to be a NICE PONY! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DERPY WE TRULY KNOW AND CARE ABOUT?!
Damn, she's hardcore.
Empathy is hard if you haven't see it enough.