“So, who is brave enough to trespass the darkest roads ponykind has ever seen?” Pinkie sang with an eerie voice, mimicking a ghost or ghoul. She had a blanket over head and used a flashlight to give her face a grim look. Only the timid Fluttershy cowered from the act and tried to hide herself behind her own hair.
“Darkest roads *gulp* ever seen?” she whimpered from behind her hairy hideout.
“Yes, the dark road of secrets!” Pinkie yelled jumping from beneath her sheet laughing like a maniac, but the terrifying effect quickly disappeared because of her laughter that quickly catched up.
“It’s time for truth or dare!”
Pinkie could be scary sometimes but her bubbly, cheerful attitude never allowed it to last longer than 3.14 seconds maximum. Twilight timed it.
“Now, who wants to go first? Wait! Spin the bottle!” Pinkie ranted on, answering her own questions before the other could do. She grabbed towards one of the potted plants in the room and got an empty bottle from it. Nobody even cared what it was doing there and how the pink party pony knew it, they just watched as she set on the ground and spun it.
“Truth or dare? That’s for girls.” Dash complained, she put her hoofs in front of her chest in disinterest. She would rather play something exciting, like Dungeons and dragons or some Daring Do roleplaying game. Applejack raised an eyebrow at the rainbow pony.
“Rainbow, we are girls.” she said, but Rainbow just rolled her eyes at applejacks silly statement.
“I mean prissy girls, like Rare.” The white mare scoffed at her friend and decided to ignore her as the bottle spun on and stopped at Rainbow Dash herself.
“Okay rainbow, choose someone!” pinkie instructed, and rainbow looked at their friends one at a time. She could better play along, Pinkie would eventually drag her into this when she said no, so she decided she would skip that step this time and just play. And who knows this might turn out to be fun. Which of her friends could have a secret, or from whom did she want to know something. She knew they would pick truth, they always did because clearly they aren’t as awesome as her to choose dare. They made things easy.
She thought for a second before grinning so evilly it made Fluttershy cringe and for a good reason because she would be the first victim of the game this evening.
...
It was well after sleeping time when the game had already passed its supposedly end. Most of the girls weren’t really playing anymore and just decided to skip their turns. The only one really playing was Rainbow; she just wanted to know as much as she could about the others but also wanted to do a lot of dares, the stupider, the better. It was her turn once again and this time she took the purple mare as her victim.
“So Twilight. Truth or dare?” She asked with the mean voice she had been acting up on all evening but it effect long gone. Twilight just sighed and answered with a dull truth. She was too tired and bored to actually do something; she just wanted to go to her bed and sleep.
“Okay Dash” continued, ignoring her obviously disinterested friend’s attitude. She was going to stretch this as long as she could.
“You’re and egghead right? I bet you never kissed someone or don’t even know how to do it.” The room went silent as everyone attention suddenly shifted to the purple mare, things suddenly got a lot more interesting. Pinkie let out a small ‘ooh’ at the playful jab from Rainbow Dash.
Truth or dare is a game about friendly challenging or jabbing, and this was right in the face. The others watched intently as twilight just raised her eyebrow.
“Yes, I’m an egghead. But what does that have to do with it? And, for your information, I have kissed somepony.” At those words the others just inched closer for details, sappy details Rarity thought. Rainbow just laughed.
“Yes, and I have to believe that? Tell me then, who is it?”
“Well, it was Cheerilee.” Twilight said as it was the most normal thing in the world, but even if she was so straightforward about it, she couldn’t help but blush. Luckily Rainbow was too surprised to even notice.
“Wait, wait, and wait. Cheerilee, the teacher?” Rainbow asked and Twilight confirmed with a nod. Rainbow just fell silent, not only had Twilight in fact kissed someone, it was also a mare, a much older and experienced mare. Her brain was about to be blown out of a working state when Rarity interrupted the silence.
“How scandalous of you Twilight! To share your first kiss with an older and more experienced mare. How did that happen dear? Give us the details.” Rarity looked like she was in heaven, she absolutely loved romance. She was a vided reader in the genre and clichés weren’t a thing she was afraid of. The more the better she thought because real life was often so dull but here she had what her novels often described as a fantasy in real life.
Twilight gulped, happy she didn’t tell them about the goodnight kisses she often shared with Luna. Her friends were very aware of the bond they shared as sisters.
Twilight thought a long time as she tried to collect her words, not even wondering why she was going to tell them this without question. It’s because she trusted them Twilight thought and she was comfortable with them knowing. So she started the story.
“Well, once every month Cheerilee visits the library with her class so her students can pick a book to read. Every time she visited we talked while the students looked for a book. We seemed to have a lot in common. Our conversation became more friendly and open, telling about our personal lives besides our work like our hobbies or about friends and family. It was fun and I felt like we were becoming friends.” The others all nodded eager for het to go on; rarity was listening intense holding in her breath in the fear of missing some of the details.
“Then, one day, she asked me to come to the school so I could help with an assignment she needed to prepare.
I helped her all day, and as it was nearing the evening and we were almost done I complimented her on the work she did. I told her how I liked that she was a teacher and that she did it with so much passion. She just looked at me in surprise and I suddenly noticed how beautiful she was.” Twilight blushed in silence for a moment, but the curious faces of her friends waiting in excite she quickly spilled it.
“And then it happened, I kissed her right there and then and she kissed me back.”
The other looked silently at her and Twilight gave them a sheepish grin. Nobody moved until Rainbow raised her hoof towards her.
“Nice.”
The others bombarded her with questions as twilight gave her friend a highhoof.
“What happened afterwards? Did you go on date?” Rarity asked her, she was in her prime here. She knew everything there was to know about romance and was very happy to share it with a friend.
“No, we didn’t talk about it afterwards. But I plan to do it eventually, I really like her and maybe a date isn’t such a bad idea.”
Rarity nodded approved. “Well, that’s the least you can do, I’m so happy for you.” She clapped her hoof together with a smile and Twilight gave her friend a hug.
“Wow Twilight.” Rainbow spoke out of the blue. “You really have a thing for teachers don’t you. First Celestia and now Cheerilee.”
The room fell silent as everyone aimed their glare at Rainbow. Twilight didn’t say anything as the tears formed in her eyes. Rainbow Dash immediately regretted her words, how could she be so stupid. She stepped in to apologize but before she could do anything she was blinded by a purple flash and she flew through the room and into a poor wall that did not survive the clash. Rainbow found herself in a sea of branches and leaves outside of the tree house. She was dizzy and the whole world turned around her before it all went black.
...
“Nice move there Rainbow, not only have you hurt twilight real bad but you have also got thrown out of the house in the middle of the night!” Applejack said towards the guilty mare in question, she just avoided her eyes from her friend and rubbed the back of her head. The crash through the wall had hurt her pretty badly even if she was used to crashing into things. It was more of an emotional pain she felt, of regrets, lots of them.
“I’m sorry; it slipped out before I knew it. It was just a joke.”
“Yeah, that’s what it always is.” Applejack said like she was talking to a little that had just done something wrong. “A joke is not always funny and you need to think before you speak. But enough of that, let’s just go home. We can deal with this tomorrow; there is no talking sense into Twilight when she has set her mind onto something. And tonight that’s not letting us in.” She finished with a glare at Rainbow.
The others nodded but didn’t say anything; they were all shocked by the sudden outburst their friend had shown them. Mostly Fluttershy, she was still trembling from the fear she felt that moment. To see Twilight so angry and hurting Rainbow like that on purpose was just too much for her. It was enough to make her cry. Rarity had walked by her side the entire time, whispering to her that everything would be alright.
“Well, we better say goodbye here. We’ll all come in and check on Twilight tomorrow okay?” The others nodded and went their own way. Rarity took Fluttershy with her to her shop; she didn’t want to leave the poor pegasus alone right now. Applejack turned and left for the farm, She supected that the next days were going to very hard.
Well, normally I'd point out a grammar or spelling issue, but here? I've got nothing. I can't say "It's obvious that you're trying to write a mystery, but failing in every way" because I'm not entirely sure that's what it is! Luna apparently doesn't care that Celestia is gone, since when are Twilight and Luna sisters, and what is even going on?!
Regardless of what this is supposed to be, you still fail at basic capitalization (twilight/Twilight) and spelling (ponies'/pony's). If nothing else, turn this incomprehensible mess into something vaguely understandable with the magic powers of an editor. You can find one here.
The concept has potential, it really does, but this story needs work. Hopefully, I'll be revisiting this in the featured box.
Hasta luego.
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She does but knows there is nothing she can do against it.
They aren't, they just see eachother as sisters. Twilight trusts Luna a lot and Luna wants to protect Twilight, they thought this was something like sisters so they decided to call eachother like that and they really feel that it is like that. It looks really vague now but a later chapter will have a lot of the Luna/Twilight relationship explained.
Celesta is gone and replaced by Anor, Twilight is heartbroken by it and Luna has to lie about stuff but is starting to regret it. I'm going to tell now what is going on, most stories have the antagonists or bad guys talk about their plans but I don't do that. I don't want to ruin it, people have to really wonder what the hell is going on with celestia. But the main point here now is Twilight, how she is hurt and how she is going to deal with as well as Luna and her lying. Anor's arrival will be dealt with close to the end.
I have send this story to an editor and he did great work except one thing: he clearly said what was wrong but not what was wrong about it or how It should be. Like I expect to know. If I knew it I wouldn't have made that mistake.
At the moment I am looking for an editor and I am constantly editing the chapters after I have submitted them because I said myself that the story isn't actually ready to be published. But I have no other choice, I know myself, if I don't do this I will never finish the story.
You'd say it is better to publish nothing than to piblish shit, but I disagree, because this is the way I can push myself to continue. It isn't ideal and it isn't how I want to work forever but it's a first step that I have to take.
Thank you for your reply, I truly mean it when I say it's the best I have had.
Couple of typos in the description- it's pretty important to make the story look good there.
Also made a couple of suggestions to make the meaning a little more clear. (It wasn't wrong, but it was a little akward.)
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This fic is NOT shit by any definition.
It is entertaining. All of the ponies are in character even when (RD specifically) it makes them do things that they should not do (like accidentely hurt Twilight's feelings).
So we do not know the big secret yet ... it's only chapter 4! now if it was chapter 40 ... that would be different . Heck, it has not even been two whole days story time.
Your pacing is excellent (IMHO) Your characters are excellent (also IMHO) and the story potential is AWESOME! (yadda yadda)
Keep the faith, you are doing a good job.
The story does put me in a bind though ...
I loves me some TwiLuna but for some reason part of me want to see things end with a big heaping bowl of Twilestia!
i like it it's a really good story , good luck
So, Rainbow Dash had Twilight tell everypony about her kissing experience and she told them it was with a mare... Weren't her parents there at the party? Or did they leave earlier? I can't imagine Twilight being comfortable telling this in their presence.
And blasting Rainboe Dash through the wall? Seriously? That's kinda WAY out of character for Twilight.
And what 's with Twilight and Luna calling each other sisters and then kissing each other like lovers? You have some strange definitions of sisterhood, my friend. You stated in the first chapter that Twi was ADOPTED into the family as a little sister. So if you think that this is normal behavior for sisters, I've got bad news for you, pal.
As for the story itself, it does make some semblance of sense... for now... I'll see where're you going with all that.