Ch.1 It Begins
My name is twilight sparkle or zeus as other know me It’s been three weeks since the outbreak happened. Everyone I knew and everyone I had trusted either betrayed me or were killed by my hooves. Queen Celestia had ordered the containment of Pony Ville as to not let the virus spread. That proved useless as some infected ponies had escaped and spread the disease through New Mane City. Soon everything went to hay. Ponies screamed as they saw family and friends’ being taken away by the Black Wing, it was the first time anypony saw violence, but they were going to have to get used to it. They were called in by Celestia to keep us all in here; their captain, Luna, was ruthless she ordered anyone that was believed to be infected to be killed on sight and they did just that, Celestia approved of all this, hay she was the one who gave Luna permission to do anything to get the job done, and I was lead to believe she cared for her subjects she just turned Equestria into a war zone. The Elements of Harmony my flank, none of that proved to help, hopeless and all out of options some of my friends joined the Black Wing betraying me, one actually created the virus another was used as an experiment for them. It was obvious what I had to do after that betrayal. Now they are all inside me, I can hear their thoughts in me; they have become part of me. I had trusted Celestia and now she marked me as a terrorist and a killer sadly I am those things. I tried to do right but failed and because of that this has happened.
I guess I should start from the top and tell you how all this came to be it’s a sad and gruesome tale that I will gladly fill you in on.
Two stallions were standing over a dead pony that was brought to the morgue three days ago. One of the stallions looked at the body and said into a mic. “August 21 2015 we are about to dissect the anonymous body it is a mare, purple haired, Unicorn cause of death is unknown, I am now going to cut open the chest”. The doctor looked at the other stallion “Hand me an 8” scalpel”. Just as the stallion was going to hand him the scalpel Twilight woke up gasping and suddenly sitting up. The two stallions looked at her in shock and ran out not believing their eyes. While they were running out some Black Wings Pegasus flew down from the sky hearing screams. They landed in front of the stallions screaming, “Don’t move or we’ll shoot” one of the stallion ran into a Black Wing soldier he was shot straight in between the eye his skull cracked once his head hit the pavement his brains slowly oozing out. The other groaned at the sight of his co workers brains, he was shot repeatedly on the body; he went limp and hit the floor.
Back With Twilight
I ran out of the morgue wondering how I got their when I heard gunshots and a sickening crack. I went to go check it out; when I got there I saw one of the employees from the morgue get shot by the Black Wing. I was hiding behind a chariot when I heard someone scream “There she is kill her” I didn’t know why they wanted me dead but I just started to run. I guess I made a wrong turn because suddenly I was cornered. Everything went black when they opened fire and my whole body burned. Some time had passed because I woke up with a small burning sensation I looked as the bullet wounds closed up and soon faded, the first thing that crossed my mind was oh my Celestia I’m ALIVE. I screamed at the top of my lungs "WHAT HAVE I BECOME" not believing what had just happened. I heard some Black Wing coming to check were I had supposedly died. I jumped over a wall and hit the floor hard I sat there for a while when I looked up I couldn't believe my eyes. I saw Rainbow Dash walking towards me pointing a gun at my head. I looked at her “RAINBOW DASH DON’T SHOOT IT’S ME TWILIGHT” she looked at me straight in the eyes with anger, and said something I would never forget.
“You’re dead to me Twilight how could you just go and do something like this “She paced back and forth continuing her rant, “do you know what New Mane City is like, it’s gone to hay, everpony is dying because of what you did", she quickly turned to look at me with an angry glare, "that’s why I joined the Black Wing I wanted to take you down I couldn't just let you get away with what you did" She looked at the floor with a sad face yet still with anger in her voice, “because of you I lost contact to all our friends and I can’t forgive you for that”, She quickly drew her gun to my face, “I’m just doing my duty you FUCKING SON OF A BITCH” she shot me in the face, everything went black. But I soon woke up and started to get up slowly. Rainbow Dash was talking to someone on her head piece “Zeus is down I repeat Zeus is down need a pickup”. I got closer to her making sure she didn’t hear me, rage building inside me for what she had just done not believing my friend just did that. I got close to her and grabbed her from behind wrapping my hoof around her waist she started screaming,” LET GO OF ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT YOUR DEAD I SAW YOU FALL” I don’t know what happened after that all I remember is that I punched her in the back trying to get her to stop moving but instead I punched through her back breaking her spine with a loud crack covering my hoof in blood, she started to scream in pain her eyes rolling back and blood filling her mouth and suddenly I saw her dissolve and go into me, I started to get a massive headache and soon I could see all her thoughts.
Private Rainbow Dash- Web of intrigue
Black Wing Officer: Where are all her known friends or relatives especially the mane six?
RD: Don’t know sir, I’m one of them but the rest split up after what happened never heard from them again.
Black Wing Officer: You sure Rainbow Dash we know you were close with Zeus and her dragon.
RD: Well now that you mention it Spike does live in New Mane City he moved from Pony Ville without telling Twilight.
Black Wing Officer: and you barely tell us this. Well where is he now.
RD: He’s living in a small apartment 10 miles away from Mare Tech
Black Wing: Alright well be sending a strike team to that location we need to remove all alias of Zeus.
RD: Roger Commander ill keep patrolling the area she might come by here.
As soon as I saw all this my headache was gone soon I felt like something was creeping all over my body I looked down and noticed this slug go over me it felt painful and burning, suddenly it stopped and I looked at my hoofs I was wearing the same uniform that Rainbow Dash was wearing I looked into a little puddle and looked at my face what stared back at me scared the shit out of me, “oh my Celestia…I’m…I’m..RAINBOWDASH!!!” I couldn't believe it I was in the body of my ex friend, I looked at my new body and I had to admit she wasn’t half bad looking in this uniform. Soon a Black Wing appeared and noticed that I was checking myself out I looked up a bit startled “Uhm...Uh...Nothing to report sir.” He looked at me like I was out of it “What the fuck was she just doing...ugh got to concentrate" He shook his head and looked back at me with a serious face, "I just came by to tell you were going to that dragons apartment remember you’re the one who called in the raid " He started to walk away"this is why mares shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the Black Wing to distracting". I started to panic, I couldn’t just follow the guys who were trying to kill me but I had no choice, “Oh Uhm right now I remember, we should get going then”. I looked at the ground why did I say that just play it smooth Twi you might be able to reach Spike’s apartment without them knowing it’s you, but I need a diversion in order to get out unnoticed.” I started following the soldier when I had an idea on how to leave.”Hey you come here” the BW soldier turned “ugh what does she want now, Yes what do you OOFFF...MY...MY BALLS” That was pretty much my escape plan after I bucked him in the jewels "he won't be having fillies anytime soon" I used my new found wings to fly out of their “So this is what it feels like to fly I can see everything from up here, now where could spike be I have all of RD’s memories maybe I can look into her mind.
…to be continued
Author Note: If I get any views ill keep on going. Please comment on the story I accept constructive criticism and advice for chapters. This is my first FIM FIC so I don't know if I did good or not. Hope you guys like it i'll update as fast as I can because school gets in the way
First, I guess?
It'll be interesting see where this is going, having played the game myself, several times. Personally, I can't imagine Prototype working very well in an Equestrian setting, but I suppose that's where you come in, author. Good job so far, ponifying the games events. Keep it up.
Interesting start, definitely brings back memories of [PROTOTYPE]
Hmm. Prototype crossover? I'll give it a chance.
Hmm. Prototype crossover? I'll give it a chance.
And yay for double posting!
2/5
Sorry, buddy but it was bit difficult to follow your story. You need to learn how to create new paragraphs when there's a new string of dialogue from a different character. The structure of the story seemed bunched up and it looked like you were reluctant to create new paragraphs. You need to stretch out the dialogue more, whenever a pony spoke, it was just one big line of dialogue. Try to fit signs of the character's behaviour in between. Was Rainbow grinding her teeth when she said she wanted Twilight dead? Put that in. Was she glaring at Twilight with hatred? Put that in too. Describe the scenes so that we can actually visualize them. You might want to look at other fimfictions here with higher ratings for examples. Good luck to you, man.
Btw, I'll track but I really hope that your writing will improve over the next few chapters.
126558 actually xscout this is the second MLP/[PROTOTYPE] crossover on Fimfiction. Here's a link to the first one Black Rain Which takes place all over equestria. The Redlight Virus acts similarly and there's even an antagonist counterpart to the Supreme Hunter. Although Black Rain is more an original story using elements of [PROTOTYPE] than a retelling of the story using Ponies.
On that note I am actually enjoying this story, so far it has the same set up and storyline but it's early days yet so there's time to add loads of personal touches to the story. Also having the Mane 6 break up is a nice touch, we get to see Twilight kill all her best friends in an epic story. Can't wait to see Twilight using her Blacklight powers.
So some glaring issues:
-You desperately need to call in the grammar Nazis. Commas and apostraphes are missing, not to mention it can be a bit of a wall in some places.
-Moves a bit too fast, add a bit of detail here and there
-Using more then just Italics to represent what a character is thinking would be nice, particularly with that specific Black Wing guard near the end. It's easy to get his thoughts mixed up with his spoken lines.
-You used WTF. No. Just no .
I do like it, but you need to address this fictions' problems if you want a good rating/want people to like it. I'm gonna leave it with a 3 because of its current issues.
126582 thanks for the comment these kind help me write better i guess ill go back and add more detail to the story i guess i hadn't thought of adding emotions like that...ill go back and do some minor touch ups but in general how was the story
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! I PROTOTYPE. Mercer is such a baddass! And YES PONIES!!!
I must know who did the art for this fic!
126606 look up mlp prototyoe and you find the picture along with the artist
Only one complain... Eliminate the blocks of text.
bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/2/28552-136293-prototypePNG-620x.jpg
Please keep up the good work my good sir.
Now I will go reinstall Prototype... I <3 New York City in RUINS HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
126603thanks for commenting ill be sure to fix it up and yes i will be calling in the grammar nazis..this is my first fic so im expecting mistakes ill also remove the wtf part
126604 Well, I tracked. And, usually, I only track a story if I like it or where it is going. I think you can figure out how I feel about the story from here
126631 i went and added some more dialouge and motions see if that works. ill work on comas and stuff like that later...maybe you can be the one who checks my story before i publish it cause you seem to know what needs fixing and i like that you didnt just rant about how it sucks if the changes work tell me...
126603 what would you recommend i do to tell the thinking part apart...i do know a grammar nazi and that is my friend he is always getting in my face when i mispell or make a grammar mistake
126677 Use another symbol and separate it from the spoken words.
"At least, that's how I'd do it." He said to himself as he typed his advice into the comment box.
'I really hope this helps at least a tiny little bit...' He thought as he closed the window and resumed eating delicious pizza.
PROTOTYPE MAAAAAAN!!!!
nice job
126673 I would be willing to take that position, however, if you are seriously considering this, I should warn you in advance: I'm no English teacher and I don't really write fiction that often. Also, it's exam time where I live, so I won't have that much free time. Yes, I'm still in high school.
And one last thing: I've never played Prototype. I've watched my older brother play it but I've never played it through myself. So I will be unfamiliar with the story; I won't know if a certain event is supposed to happen or not
127040 well im asking for you to look for mistakes in punctuation when you have the time and im also in high school senior to be exact
it dont matter that you havent played the game i just need like paragraphs shortened or to look more appealing i will take care of adding events or other things i will take some advice as well
126714 "it helps a lot i will definitely use this info" said the author thinking of what else to write "thanks for the advice you guys are helping make this story better i will definitely put at the end of each chapter your names as revisers/ editors" the author finished writing this happy with what he wrote going back to playing amnesia thinking about maybe writing a MLP amnesia crossover brewing in his head
Okay - the concept is brilliant. Mercer pony is best pony. Unfortunately, this story suffers several flaws.
Firstly, the first chapter. It is completely pointless. It will mean nothing to those who don't know the game, and those who do know the game have just been informed of a large number of crucial plot points. If you were to reveal this information as a normal part of the story, it would serve as a plot twist, a point of interest, or even just as an 'okay, fine' moment. As it now stands, much of the 'web of intrigue' has been rendered rather... unintriguing - we already know who the main antagonists are, so we no longer need to find out.
Next, you outright state that all her friends are either dead or consumed, right at the beginning. Admittedly, this could work - it would be incredibly difficult to pull off, but it could work. The easier route, however, lies in intrigue. Mention some of her friends are dead. Hint that she may have consumed some of them. Don't mention any specifics.
Unfortunately, I didn't read much of the second chapter (for a reason I'll go into later). However, I did notice that partway through it, RD gets consumed. The problem with this is that there was no way that there was anywhere near sufficient development to reach that point (or, if, as I suspect, she was accidentally consumed), anywhere near enough panic after it happened. As a massive plot point (albeit one you told us), it wouldn't be over developed if you spent most of this chapter just on the events leading up to, or the results of (or, if you're really good, both), RD being consumed. If she intends to kill/consume RD, Twilight is going to be a mass of conflicting emotion, double guessing her motives at every step of the fight. Almost certainly, RD (regardless of her actual intentions) is going to play on those doubts, fears, and happy memories. This can be teased out for a positively mind-boggling word count. Should Twilight accidentally consume RD, there is less room for development, but even so, once the memory integration passes, she is going to be scared, confused, sorry, there's even room for some self loathing. And all this can be written while she's trying to evade the military units who would have come to investigate the missing troops. So you've got a decent sized segment that can be written - anything else, if, maybe, not rushed, is definitely missing out on a wonderful opportunity.
Now we come to my main problem - the grammar. Your formatting, whilst definitely awkward, is readable. But there is very little punctuation to break up the sentances - for example 'I wish you were dead', and 'I wish, you were dead' both have very different meanings. But they are only one comma away from being the same thing. In this work, I had great difficult even getting to the end of the first paragraph, simply because I was trying to figure out what exactly you meant by what you had written. So please, run this past a pre-reader - or at the very least, put it through an MS word spell and grammar checker.
With all that said, this has serious potential - if handled correctly, I reckon it could be something great. So I look forward to seeing what you do from here.
ok i kicked myself reading this but i read it
1:space the dialogue
2:get into deeper plot
3:get someone to proof read it and edit. i would do it but i got to much on my plate sorry mate(im not Australian) i like saying mate cause its fun
well there you go i know better comments on what to do just hope you do better
LOL Rainbow is always first on the chopping Block
Still this could be very entertaining
One note....
Sees Former Best Friend : Consumes Without a Second Thought and then Has no feeling of Remorse
Meets random guard: LEAVES ALIVE
Rainbow In fanfiction tends to be either a RED SHIRT or INDESTRUCTIBLE
I find this Hilarious ...........not sure why
Anybody else get super hyped for Prototype 2 after reading this?
127491 well i wouldn't consider leaves alive a good statement more like leaves ball less also for the second chapter lets just say something will happen inside of RD's mind
127447 thanks for the comment at least show you read it...as for the grammar im having grammar hitler look it over stick around it will get better and like Fluttershy and discord said:
Discord:"doesn't it burn you up that your friends are always pointing out your flaws
Fluttershy: not really in fact i think i'm awfully lucky to have friends who want me to be the best i can be
Well i have partnered up with 2 people one is now the co author/ main editor the other is the co editor, he will be getting the chapter first to review and check grammar as for me and the main editor we will be working on the story and checking it after the co editor has handed it back to make sure everything is okay i feel like this story can become something great...now thats just egotistical of me. this story may of had a rocky start but i hope it becomes into something awesome
dafuq its mah profile pic XD
Oh man, poor Twilight Sparkle hopefully some of her friends will help her out. (That is if they're still alive at all) I hope this will not be too sad. This seems like it would be very exciting.
Keep it up.