Is it a crime to exist? Is it morally justifiable to end a pony's life for the sake of convenience and simplicity? Twilight Sparkle will die for her mistake.
(Okay, Imma break the atmosphere and point out that I see VERY mixed results. I'd like constructive criticism, if you all wouldn't mind, explaining why you do or do not like this content)
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I'm taking a different approach entirely, more meditative and less actiony.
1749704 Wow. I did not expect such mixed results.
Okay, let's hear it. What's your personal constructive criticism?
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, If you all don't mind. Tell me why you do or do not like this.
Extremely good. Who's the 4th character tag, though?
1750490 That would be Mare Do Well. And if you could shed some constructive criticism as to why you liked it (Notice the mixed results) I would be in your debt.
I like the idea and am curious about what is going on. I'll keep reading.
1751331 Your positive feedback is appreciated. Thank you very much.
1750300 Never demand criticism because your story doesn't do very well. It makes for a very unlikable author.
The first thing that bothers me is Applejack being two words, when it is one. Common knowledge thing. The opening was rather jarring. I assume the antagonist was thinking those things to itself and little of what it said made sense.
Albeit that was probably intentional, but it it was messy to have them ramble off about Twilight and then attack Rarity without much transition in thought. I actually was under the impression that Twilight was at Rarity's. it breaks flow.
These aren't the only issues, I'm sure that much can be done in the descriptive department and perhaps changing your approach. If you want 1500 words to get featured, those 1500 words need to compelling and meaningful. A simple revenge story with a straight forward, uninteresting set up (walks in and chokes out rarity while verbally threatening twilight doesn't scream genius) just isn't interesting enough to stand by itself.
1753573 I request criticism to improve on myself. And with that said, I appreciate yours.
Now, for Applejack, I blame brain farts on that. I have no excuse but my own lack of attention. I'll be correcting that within the minute.
And yes, the opening doesn't make sense, but it will as Phase Two and Phase Three become realized (I know Vanguard is getting mixed results, but I'm not writing for views or favorites or whatnot. It's an idea that stuck around in my head long enough to warrant the attention that I have given it.)
Now, I have a bad habit of expecting my readers to make connections. I do not mean that in a condescending manner; I mean that I just assume that the reader will make the connection. A bad habit, I know. Anyways, the connection here was that the antagonist, who shall be named in the beginning of Phase Four, wants the Mare Do Well costume. Now, here's my logic: You're looking for one of Rarity's personal designs; wouldn't the best place to search be in Rarity's own home?
And I know that 1500's barely a drop; if you look at my other work, The Creatures that Came to Ponyville, you'll find that I prefer my chapters to be in the 5k amount and now pushing 6k.
But, the Aliens/MLP crossover will be about a 35k work, whereas Vanguard will be roughly 10k divided into eight phases.
To summarize, yes, it doesn't make sense, but we're dealing with an antagonist who's mental stability isn't very stable.
Again, I appreciate your constructive criticism. Thank you very much. And now to correct Applejack.
1753706 Yes I understood that Rarity's costume would be in the boutique, but when you constantly say "Kill TS" and then break into Rarity's considering the information given to me, I could only assume that TE is in there or killer wants to kill Rarity. You never said "First part of phase one: acquire disguise."
Bam. Connection. Rarity makes clothes best place for disguises.
Not "Psychotically rant about killing TS: Break into Rarity's"
If all they talk about is killing TS and then break into rarity's. Bam? Connection? TS must be there? It's jarring. When you talked about the killer searching the drawers made less sense. Sadly it's not implied as you make it sound.
Someone breaks into Rarity's the first I think isn't that they want the mare do well costume.
1753800 I see your point. And a very good point it is. I do hope that you'll stick around, though. As you'll read in the beginning, this is all a giant jigsaw puzzle. We know what the end result is going to be, but each individual piece doesn't make sense by itself. And to be truthful, the confusion will only increase with each phase. As I said, I hope that you'll stick around, but if you're not one who enjoys THOSE types of "mystery" novels, I thank you for taking the time out of your day to converse with me at the very least.
1753800 Oh, one more thing: I meant to compliment you on your own personal library of literature that you appear to have written. Excluding Twilight's New Dress, if we weren't having this discussion, I'd say taht you look like a chap who knows a thing or two about writing. Best of luck with your future endeavors.
1753875
I can see you have some sort of master plan in your head. Perhaps it would have been better received with more chapters to "explain" your style.
1753875 lol... I could never say I'm very good, anything I say might be overturned by some actually good writer, I was just pointing out my personal confusion. Good luck to you too, maybe someday we'll fight over the feature box.
1753942 Ooooh, I do indeed possess what you'd call a Master Plan. But, I wanted to get the first chapter out to see how it would be received. I had anticipated a landslide of positives, but I now see that it would probably be in my best interest to focus on my Aliens/MLP crossover.
Vanguard shall remain at my side as a project of lesser priority.
And how about we split that feature box? Plenty of spaces for all of us aspiring authors. And I'll let you have the last comment. Doesn't seem right to turn this all into a discussion.
1750286
My "Pinkie Plural" will have a followup chapter, once I figure out a decent title and spend the time to finish it. It's based partly on the same concept you have here. It's such a big fandom that good ideas don't stay unwritten for very long.
1755168 That's not really constructive criticism, but congratulations?
And you're absolutely right. With so many of us thinking about the same idea, it's not long before certain stories will be realized.
1756790
Ah, so you were asking me. Let's see, whoever it is would need to know about the multiple Pinkies and how they were dispatched. Her friends all stood up for her against Trixie, so none of them have such a rift with her. It's probably not Big Mac or Apple Bloom, who helped with the herding. It's probably not Hairy the Bear. Careful reading gives me a hint as to who it is (or at least narrows it down to 39).
The dialogue is pretty good. The first line indent makes the story harder to read toward the top: most of the paragraphs are one line with a word or three hanging below, making it difficult to scan; I suggest combining the italicized thought paragraphs with the sneaky action paragraphs.
There are bits of grammar and ambiguous action here and there that don't quite ring true, mostly toward the middle of this chapter. It also has a bit of "the-unicorn syndrome" - where you shy away from using a character's name because you feel you've used it too much. The reader's mind doesn't notice overuse of character names, by the way; it's an invisible word like "said" - purely functional once a character's presence in a scene has been established. It's like trying to avoid using the word "the" - there's no reason to.
Example sentence: "Mask off, the pony gently placed one foreleg on the mare’s throat and began tapping the unicorn’s head." First, I had to re-read this sentence and the previous to understand the mask action; it wasn't the ersatz Mare-Do-Well's mask that was off, but Rarity's. Second, you used two different nouns for Rarity, neither of which was her name. Here's my suggestion:
She walked over to the bedroom window and opened it, gauging the distance to the ground. Then she snuck over to the bed and carefully removed the sleeping mask that was wrapped around Rarity’s head. She placed one foreleg on the sleeping mare’s throat and gently tapped her head.
1758709 I shall accept your suggestion and constructive criticism without hesitation!
interesting idea, and i was just wondering if the title was a reference to the card game vanguard
1759937 Yugioh. That's my ONLY cardgame! Well, that and Blackjack. And thank you for your support.
interesting fight, though i wonder if zecora would really let the bad pony win so easily
1795038 Two broken legs still equate to two broken legs, whether you're a grand master at the martial arts or a rookie.
1795055
true...very true...