• Published 12th Jan 2012
  • 4,924 Views, 93 Comments

Tales from the Staff Canteen - Midnightshadow



Behind the scenes at Equestria Daily, where all is professional and above board...

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Snarkle's Adventures The First

It was five in the morning when Snarkle strolled towards the imposing edifice of the Equestria Daily print offices. He ran his badge along the reader on a side entrance, and then stepped inside.

He passed by the timeclock, and ran his badge over it 'til it flickered green. The screen beside the timeclock added his name to a surprisingly long list. It seemed that either nobody had checked out the night before, or that they had been there the entire night.

Shrugging, he strolled to the foyer and the elevators. As he neared the intricate mosaic set into the floor, someone cleared their throat to his left.

Snarkle froze, startled, and then turned to look. A disturbingly sharp set of sharp white teeth sharply set in a charcoal-grey (sharp) muzzle greeted him. Blinking, he noticed the muzzle was attached to a large, imposing wolf who leaned over a counter marked 'Security'.

"Oh! Hi! Uh, good morning, that is. Keiro, right?"

"New guy?" The wolf eyed his badge, then smiled. Snarkle would have preferred he didn't.

"Yeah. Snarkle."

"Turn around, second entrance on your left, stairs to third floor. Elevator's broken again."

"Ah. Um, thanks!"

"Don't mention it."

Keiro ran security for the facility, making sure only the folks with badges and keycodes were permitted within. Perceptive, silent, and stoic, he held the perfect qualities for someone in his position. Of course, his night vision and the ablity to identify ponies by scent were prized as well. Kits had mentioned these qualities. Kits had also neglected to mention he was a wolf.

His pulse still racing from the close encounter, Snarkle managed to turn around and stumble away from the too-cheerful apex predator.

Finding the stairs, he pushed the door aside and began the trip up. Stopping at the second floor, he wheezed for a moment, then continued the trek. "I really do have to lay off the cupcakes."

He reached the third floor, rested a hoof against the door, then swallowed. "Okay, Snarkle. They invited you. You're ready." Feeling more confident, he pushed the door open and stepped out of the stairwell.

He wasn't ready.

The scene upon his arrival filled him with a bemused horror. A pair of midnight-blue hooves dangled from above the damaged ceiling tiles. A large cannon, seemingly from the floor above, rested on its side, covered in charred - and still smoldering - manuscripts. Several bottles of rotgut - and a few of higher quality hooch - were scattered here and there, most empty, and one filled with something that was most definitely not alcohol.

Snarkle quietly closed the door behind him, then looked about in wonder and mild concern. Confetti covered the cubicles, and an inflatable Celestia clung to the ceiling, apparently full of helium. A basket of live mice, all asleep in individual socks like sleeping bags, raised some disturbing - and unwanted - questions.

Delicately stepping over shattered stemware and wincing whenever his hoof made a squishing noise on the carpet, he found his way to the break room.

The chaos, apparently, had been concentrated at this point. An enormous machine - fashioned from what appeared to be a diesel engine, chrome, and purified hate - occupied the far wall. There was a small door set into its face, surrounded by hazard tape, that read 'Coffee In'. A stainless steel spigot next to the door, he assumed, would dispense the result.

Once he forced himself to look away from the caffeinated horror, he wished he hadn't. Three - possibly four - ponies lay in a knot in the corner, covered in fragments of what appeared to be cupcakes. Occasionally, one of them moaned.

The walls were festooned with streamers, balloons, strange residues, and what appeared to be very old strawberry jam. Something dark pooled on the floor nearby. He didn't care to hazard a guess.

The table had been overturned, and if there had been chairs, they were now missing. Sighing, he turned around and looked for his desk.

He passed an office, its lights dimmed, but apparently still occupied. An occasional giggle and the rustling of paper could be heard. He considered lingering a moment, but decided his sanity would be better served by finding something that made sense.

Snarkle spied a Mylar balloon that read 'welcome' floating in a disused corner of the office. The lighting there was dim, but at least the fluorescents were in their proper receptacles. Timidly, he approached it.

He stepped over a winged pony who snored into a wastebin, tiptoed around another who laid on, er, his back, and then strode down the hallway. Before he reached the desk, he nearly tripped over a unicorn surrounded by coffee cups, and covered with grinds. He snored, twitching his ears at Snarkle's passing.

"Welcome Twilight Snarkle", a small placard read. The desk was festooned with tiny origami ponies, a balloon, and a coffee mug that bore the Equestria Daily logo. A used coffee mug, apparently. He guessed the thought counted. In a corner was a large box decorated with a bow, and covered in confetti. A half-full glass of watery scotch rested next to it.

Being as quiet as possible, he leaned over, powered up his computer, and pulled out his chair. Then he settled into it to begin his day.

The chair squished. As whatever had soaked into it slowly flowed into his dun coat, Snarkle put his head on his desk and sighed.

"What have I gotten myself into?"

The box that had been resting on his desk chuckled.

"Welcome aboard."