• Published 12th Jan 2012
  • 4,924 Views, 93 Comments

Tales from the Staff Canteen - Midnightshadow



Behind the scenes at Equestria Daily, where all is professional and above board...

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The Mechanic and The Coffee Maker


The Mechanic sighed, putting his tools away. “I’m sorry, Sir. The coffee maker is no more. It has ceased to be. It has expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late coffee maker. Bereft of life, it rests in pieces. Kicked the bucket. Popped the twig. Bit the dust. Snuffed it. Brewed its last, and gone to meet the great Barista in the sky.”

“B.. but…” Sethisto started crying. “But we need that coffeemaker! If it isn’t working by the time Princess Luna wakes up she’ll banish me to the moon and imprison me in a dungeon, too!”

“At least you’re a cube. She can’t make you wear the maid’s outfit,” Noble Cause mumbled, cheeks aflame with embarrassment.

The Mechanic was a solid earth pony. He liked to think that he’d seen a lot of Equestria, and that little could actually surprise him. Today though, he’d been called to the offices of The Equestria Daily to fix a coffee machine and had seen a cube cry. That was quite disturbing in and of itself; the cube didn’t have eyes. So where, precisely, were the tears coming from?

As if a crying cube wasn’t enough, there was a mighty fine looking unicorn filly in an extremely revealing maid’s outfit that tended to ride up and expose a shapely flank at the most awkward of times in the most alluring of ways! Now, ponies might not wear clothes normally but when they did, it tended to have… quite the effect.

“Okay. Let me get this straight. Princess Luna is the epitome of a coffee snob, and you’ll get banished if you don’t have coffee,” The Mechanic asked, arching an eyebrow.

The cube sobbed, somehow managing to nod. “Exactly…”

“So, why don’t you just go to Fohl’s Department store, or Coffee Makers and Zucchini and get one? They’ve got hundreds to choose from. Why spaz about this?” The Mechanic finished puyting away his tools and slung the bag over his shoulder. “My fee alone in looking at this thing is going to be more than buying a new one.”

Noble Cause smiled slowly. She sidled over, and ‘accidentally’ bumped The Mechanic’s hip. “Oh, it’s Princess Luna. We went through hundreds of coffee makers to find this one that made… a barely acceptable cup of coffee. She keeps threatening Sethisto with banishment.”

Eyes following every bob and sway of that flank, The Mechanic swallowed. “Eh.. yeah..” He shook his head to clear it. “Wait. That unit that just died was over a thousand bits new. It was barely acceptable?”

The Mechanic’s brain nearly broke when the cube somehow nodded.

“Okay. Look. You want the absolute best coffee maker in all of Equestria? One-of-a-kind, absolutely unique, guaranteed to make the strongest cuppa in all the lands? You pay me ten thousand bits and I’ll build you a coffee machine that will remove your coffee problems.”

Nopony was ready when Pinkie Pie popped her head out of the copier and roared, “FOREVARRRRRR!” before disappearing again.

“Look. You build that machine and not only will I pay you ten thousand bits, you’ll go on a date with Noble Cause, all expenses paid.” Sethisto promised.

Noble Cause’s eyes went wide, her cheeks flushed, and she opened her muzzle to protest.

“Maid outfit included?” The Mechanic asked, glancing over.

“Maid outfit required,” Sethisto guaranteed.

"... Not that I'd terribly mind, but I'll see to it you regret this, Seth. I'll make you pay, I swear it,” Noble Cause grumbled.

“Excellent. We have ourselves a deal,” The Mechanic said as Noble Cause ran off in embarrassment. “Now then. I’m going to need a sledge hammer, an oxy-acetylene torch, JB weld, and a room, preferably against the wet wall, with a direct ventilation to the outside.”

Sethisto nodded again, much to The Mechanic’s discomfiture. “Done.”

The Mechanic nodded, brushing his green mane from his eyes. Pulling his cell phone out from his toolbag, he tapped in a number. “Applejack? Yeah, it’s me. The Mechanic. Look, you remember that problem you have? … no, that was far too much information. Not that problem. I’m talking about the green one in your barn. Yes, the one under the tarp. Look… you want that thing to disappear?” He winced as Applejack yelled, “HAY YES AH DO!” into the phone.

“Alright then. Crate it up and deliver it to EQD…”

Five hours later…


The Mechanic walked out of the kitchen with mane, face, hooves…actually, just about all of him was smudged randomly with bits of grease. Still, he had a triumphant expression on his muzzle. “It. Is. Done,” he declared.

Sethisto, Noble Cause, a new pony introduced as Polecat, and another pony named Phoe all crowded into the kitchen to gaze upon the majesty therein.

Except it looked just like the OLD coffee maker. Oh, granted… there was a key next to it, a strange metal stick poking up out of the countertop, a big red button next to the key, and… two pedals on the floor. Aside from THAT, it was precisely the same coffee maker as before.

“Um.” Sethisto said, rubbing itself against a doorframe in an attempt to scratch it’s non-existent head. “It’s… nice. But I don’t think it’s ten thousand bits of nice.”

“Oh ye of little faith,” The Mechanic snorted, grinning. “C’mere. Let me show you where the magic is made.” He opened a door that hadn’t been there before, and led them into a well-lit room. Inside was a mechanical monstrosity of epic proportions.

“What… is it?” Noble Cause asked. Plumbing and piping went everywhere, but a few lines went out to the kitchen area, and presumably, the coffee machine itself.

“THIS, my dear, is a four fifty cubic inch V-Eight engine, bored point oh-five-oh over. Three four barrel Holley downdraft carburetors. Five hundred pony-power at the crank. Six speed manual transmission to select the type of coffee you want and the number of shots of espresso,” The Mechanic said with pride.

“I feel like it’s going to kill and eat me, “ Noble Cause mumbled, backing out of the room.

Everypony piled back into the kitchen, just in time to see a bed-headed Princess Luna appear. “Coffee. Now,” she growled, eyes glowing red and sparking with malevolence.

“I.. how.. I can’t WORK this thing!!” Phoe cried, staring at the levers and pedals and such.

“Certainly, Princess Luna. Would you like an iced mocha this fine evening?” The Mechanic asked.

His only reply was a burst of fire that singed off three quarters of his mane.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” The smell of burned hair flooded the room, as The Mechanic turned to the coffee maker. Twisting the key and pressing the button made the thing in the other room roar to life. He shifted it into third, then stepped on the pedal. The roaring grew quite loud, and a viscous goo oozed from the coffee maker and into a glass of ice that shimmered into being.

Princess Luna swiped the glass from the machine and chugged the contents. She blinked, turning her flaming eyes to The Mechanic. “You!”

Sethisto, Phoe, Noble Cause, and Polecat all started backing away from The Mechanic… who was starting to sweat a little.

Luna took a step forward, sparks arcing from her hooves. Her eyes flamed brighter, and her horn started to glow. “YOU!”

Polecat leaned over and whispered to the rest, “Moon?”

Sethisto and Phoe nodded. “Moon.”

Luna roared, “YOU!!!”

Just as The Mechanic was about to make a break for it, there was a loud * POP *, and Luna suddenly appeared as immaculately groomed as ever and all smiles.

With a squeal of delight, Luna flung herself at The Mechanic and hugged him tightly. “You just gave me the best cup of coffee I’ve ever had! You’re hired! You’ll get an office, a new computer, and a raise.”

A unicorn stallion intern poked his head in. “Hey, can I grab a glass?”

Sethisto bobbed in affirmation. “Sure... help yourself, “ watching as The Mechanic recovered enough to hug Luna back.

The intern somehow managed to brew another, and sipped it. He too blinked… and began to vibrate. “I… feel…funny…”

The Mechanic grinned. “Lightweight.”

The intern exploded in a wave of strawberry jelly, spattering everyone and everything, except for the Princess and The Mechanic.

Luna looked over at Noble Cause, giggling. “Grab a squeegee and put the intern in a mason jar. He’ll be fine once the caffeine wears off.”

“Oy! You! Back in the glass, now!”

Everypony looked, and saw The Mechanic glaring at a blob of coffee that was slowly squidging its way across the floor. It paused and made a curious burbling noise.”

Luna narrowed her eyes. “You heard him.” She took a step towards the coffee. “In the glass.”

The coffee slowly squidged its way to and crawled back into the glass that the intern had dropped and made a few rude burbling noises.

Picking up the glass, The Mechanic offered it to everypony and everycube. “Anypony? No?” He shrugged. “Princess?”

Luna smiled. “Don’t mind if I do.” She gulped the coffee, and then shook herself. “Now that is the way to start the night! Alright, my little ponies. I’m off to raise the Moon!” She smiled and waved, bouncing out the door.

Everypony stared at The Mechanic as he started squeegee-ing the intern into a container.

“What? It’s just coffee…”