A guy named Gale falls from the sky and lands near ponyville. Twilight saw what looked like a falling star, then gets her friends to go check it out. Gale is a Werewolf with a good amount of control over his inner beast, but he is a Vampire as well, that can resist the thirst to a degree and feeds off of animals, other Vampires, and other Werewolves. But what will the six think of him if they find out. Oh yeah, forget to inform that his lovey dovey, easily made jealous, Vampiric little sister Reassa comes into the picture sometime as well.
first fanfiction, please be gentle. I'm new to the whole writing thing... so yeah. if it suck, tell me, if it's GOOD then please tell me.
Chapters (2)
ok interesting lets see how it goes
1766422 thanks, I'll try my best
4 dislikes if likes are subtracted. I miss the TWE
You seem to actually have a decent grasp of writing, and I can commend you on that. You have a good writing style, your sentences are formed decently, grammar is pretty good. But I'm afraid that's where the compliments end.
First, you did a big no-no here. You did the exact bare minimum to get past moderation, and unless there really is no other way, a chapter should always be longer than a thousand words.
Second, this is a rather overdone idea, some monstrous creature falling from the sky and coming to terms with his inner beast while learning about the magic of friendship. It may sound good in your head, but on paper it does not do so well.
Third, your character is a complete Mary Sue. He is a human that is also a vampire and a werewolf? And the first thing they see him do is slaughter an entire pack of timber wolves with his bare hands! Any overpowered creature like that is a recipe for complete disaster, power has to have a reason and the character has to have flaws to offset any extraneous power that you give him.
Fourth, why is he in Equestria? Why did he suddenly just fall out of the sky? What makes Equestria more desirable as a place to crash to earth rather than some other land that is more plausible?
Fifth, the Element Bearers see this creature kill a pack of timber wolves, and their first reaction is to walk up and say hello? And why is he not so surprised to see a gaggle of talking horses? I'd be losing my mind, werewolf/vampire hybrid or not.
Vampwolves FTW.
1767016 I will work on those and some of the problems you mentioned were things i was going to fix as a part of the story. But I'm sorry for the short chapters, that part was all my fault and I'll write bigger chapters next time.
1767016 I agree. He should at least add some emotional feedback to the character(s).
"Gale is a Werewolf with a good amount of control over his inner beast, but he is a Vampire as well"
Your OC is OP. It's also red and black. These are major no-nos in this and other fanfiction communities.
COMPLIMENT: "pleasure to meet you're aquanauts" was entertaining, if not intentionally so.
1766835 What the hell is twe?
anyways so far youve got my attention this story seems like it will go far,anyways keep doing what you think is right!
1769674 Train wreck explorers.
Yeah this is a complete trainwreck. I actually clicked on this thinking it would be a parody, but alas. If the author cares enough for me to go into detail, I will, but most of the major issues have been stated by other people. Namely the OC is OP as shit, cliché black/red color scheme, vampire+werewolf. Oh and the mane6 immediately taking a liking to him is absurd.
Gotta agree though, the writing style isn't bad (dialogue is stilted but still decent) and I don't see a lot of grammatical errors, so really you just need to learn how to create believable interesting characters and you should do fine. The way to do that is research. Here's some places to start: TV Tropes and The Universal Mary Sue Litmus Test
Good luck.
SORRY ABOUT MY FUCKING COMPUTER, I wrote over a thousand wards, but my computer is on a deep freeze, so it fucked up. if it makes you feel any better, this was my reaction \
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
, WHY, WHY, WHY GOD, WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
so yeah, I'll fix that.
1769674 The Train Wreck Explorers, formerly one of the biggest groups on this site. Their entire thing was finding the absolute worst stories and bashing them to hell. knighty disbanded them for excessive bullying.
1775262 Well that just seems messed up!
I read this later. (My editing schedual is killin' me) But you already earned my interest because of convalutity.
>>TechnoScratch The original purpose of the twe was to find stories like this one and try to make them better.
This is a good idea, get rid of the sex/gore tags and make it teen. You have nothing to show yet, so start with tags you know you will use and add uncertain ones when you need too. Most of the down votes are probably from people hating you for having nothing with all those tags. Start with Dark, Tragedy, Sad and Romance. And keep the romance to the ponies, or else you will get a good amount of hate for messing up. Write one-shots or a trash-bin to test yourself, so you can have a gem.
...
?
Aquanauts? That sounds like an austronaut, except for being under water instead of in space. Space space spaaaace spacespaces-
*ahem* Yes, well... did you mean acquaintance? That would fit with the sentence, if you replaced "aquanaut" with it.
Also, instead of "you're" which is short for "you are", you should have your. Just saying :D please don't get mad
Btw I like how Gary Stu the main character is. Vampire-and-werewolf-at-the-same-time-thingy is bugging me, but whatever...
So when will the next chapter be out? Great story so far...
uugh AUTHOR I REQUEST OF THEE ANOTHER CHAPTER TO READ
I'M BOOOREED D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D :D :D :D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: