Upstart Villainy

by Compendium of Steve

Skyward Jerks

Upstart Villainy

Skyward Jerks

Princess Peach was at a total loss. Not only had the vile and ever-persistent Bowser come to crash yet another of her tea parties, there was now an invader in a frightful flying machine who undoubtedly wanted to create more chaos for her beloved kingdom. The princess shivered for her safety, but Bowser stood firm and unfazed by the newcomer and his fancy vessel. More than anything, he felt more irate than before.

“Tatanga?” he asked, to which he got another obnoxious laugh in response.

“That is right!” said the little purple man within the ship. “See how I am instantly recognized? No doubt my reputation as a merciless dictator precedes me by the very width of star systems!”

“Uh, we know you because you just said it a second ago.”

“Tremble at my Greatness!” Tatanga yelled on, ignoring Bowser completely. “The shadow of destruction that befell the realm of Sarasaland graces you with his presence, so show your utmost respect and worship if you value your lives!”

“Sara-salsaland?” Bowser’s eyes widened. “Oh yeah, I remember! Mario went running off to someplace called that when it got invaded or something. It made a pretty relaxing vacation that year.” Bowser grinned open-mouthed at the memory, but got serious as he looked up to the space ship. “So you’re that guy, huh? Talk about weird: All that stuff happened years ago.”

“Yes, my absence from your world was no doubt unbearably felt given the period of time, but it was time spent readying my glorious return. Oh the looks of fear and awe as I swoop down over the dwellings of so many potential slaves, my vessel blocking out their precious sunlight. It excites me to think that my very visage shall replace their definition of terror!”

“I very much doubt it, bub,” Bowser deadpanned. “That Sarsaparilla thing is way old news. And from what I remember, you went down pretty easily.”

“Lies! Misinformation and slander!” Tatanga pounded on the cockpit’s console. “It was a tactical retreat that happened. Too many unknown variables that got in the way of my planetary conquest. Specifically, this world’s implementation of primitive single-engine aircraft. I mean, honestly, who could have seen that coming? My advanced weaponry wasn’t adjusted to deal with something so antiquated and inferior. Blindsided was what I was that day!”

“Sure, that’s ‘precisely’ what happened...”

“PRECISELY!” Tatanga bounced in his chair with glee, utterly obvious to Bowser's finger quotes. “But now that I have taken all factors into consideration, I am ready to give this planet the master it deserves through an iron, fiery fist of tyranny and destruction.”

“What? Oh, no no no no.” Bowser put a claw to his temple while shaking his head. “Look, Tang, Tango—”

“Tatanga!”

“Whatever. Listen, I already have some other guy trying to horn in on my evil conquest matters. Do you really have to do this today? And more importantly, do you have to do it here?”

“But of course it has to be here! The biggest mistake last time was invading Sarasaland first. It’s much too small a kingdom, unfit for an immediate conquering. Therefore, I’ve decided to go after the much larger, more reputable Mushroom Kingdom. Its downfall will lead to the fall of every other kingdom like so many simple-minded dominoes. And such glorious victory shall begin with the simple yet important act of:”

A mechanical arm and claw shot from one of the ship’s side cannons and grabbed Peach, reeling her back and into his clutches as he shouted, “Capturing this kingdom’s ruler! Kehehehehehe!”

Peach was dumped into Tatanga’s cockpit, tied up neatly with rope. With captive onboard, the ship began rising up out of the observatory. Bowser stood flabbergasted at the space tyrant’s ploy, which quickly turned to rage as he looked to the fleeing ship.

“Hey you spacewad, that’s My princess!”

The ship zoomed upward and blasted off into the sky, Peach screaming an obligatory “MARIOOOOO!!!” while Bowser watched with gritted teeth and clenched claws. At that moment, Sombra galloped into the room and looked to the hole in the roof.

“What happened here—” He was cut off by a quivering claw pointed right at his snout.

“This is your fault!” Bowser growled. “Peach would’ve been safely locked up in my castle right about now, but you had to show up and step all over my toes. Now she gets snatched by someone who’s almost as big a nobody as you!”

“If you were as capable as you claim to be, then you could have made off with the princess in the minutes between your departure and what I presume to be the arrival of this third abductor.”

“Shut your stupid wordy horse mouth! This mess of a day has gone on too long; I’m settling things right now!” Bowser brought his claws to his mouth and blew out a piercing whistle. A whirring filled the room as the Klown Kopter broke through a wall and hovered past the two villains. Bowser jumped into the passing copter, leaving Sombra in the dust as he sped off in pursuit of Tatanga. “Adios, Slob-ra!”

In the skies above the Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser soared through the clouds to fitting aerial chase music in his trusty craft, catching a glint of the alien’s ship not too far off. He scowled in the ship’s direction, but then noticed something amiss and looked to the side. Rising up from below there appeared Sombra riding atop a piece of roofing surrounded in a field of sparkly dark magic, looking as though he were making a historic river crossing.

When the dark unicorn was within earshot, Bowser yelled, “What the heck are you doing?”

“Going to recapture the princess,” Sombra replied, mane whipping about gloriously. “I was the first one to go after her, and it should be I who gets her.”

“I told you she’s mine!” Bowser spat out a fireball into Sombra’s platform, blowing it to pieces and dropping the unicorn into open sky. The Koopa King chortled and went back to chasing Tatanga, who was only fifty yards away. In seconds, Bowser closed the distance and kept pace with the space ship.

“Okay short stuff, the jig is up. Give back the princess!”

Looking back and seeing the overgrown turtle in the silly aircraft, Tatanga gave a startled jump. “How is this possible!? My ship is the fastest private vessel in the galaxy!”

“I’m gonna give you the count of three to let Peach go and take your sorry butt back into space or I’m crushing your clunky toy like a tin can. One!...Oh son of a—!”

Rising up to join the two came Sombra once more, now standing atop a blank-eyed hill that had been roughly torn at the base.

“Why don’t you stay down!” Bowser yelled.

“There are no bounds to what I can accomplish with my dark magic, and certainly no setbacks,” Sombra boasted.

“You look ridiculous!”

“At least I’m not riding a flying teacup!”

“Silence, you pests!” Tatanga shouted as he turned his ship around to face the two. “Flea-brained earthlings like yourselves should stay on the ground where they belong!” The alien overlord pushed a button on his console, and from the cannons on his ship two sets of triple energy balls shot out. Bowser and Sombra rose and dived respectively to avoid the shots, then returned to their original spots, sharing looks of added determination and irritation.

“How dare he interrupt our conversation,” Sombra said, just as Bowser pulled ahead of him slightly.

“Like it even matters. I’m still gonna trounce him!”

“Will the two of you just shut up!” Tatanga fired off more triple shots, forcing the pursuing tyrants to fly about to avoid taking hits. Bowser fired up and spat out successive fireballs at Tatanga’s ship, leaving singe marks on the cockpit and sides. Tatanga kept firing while slowly moving up and down in a lazy approach to alternating his attack pattern, launching out bulbous mines that exploded into dispersal shots after a few seconds. Sombra and Bowser kept dodging while keeping pace, with Bowser still laying down literal fire. Atop his flying hill, Sombra charged dark energy into his horn and fired a piercing beam of darkness at the spacecraft, scoring a direct hit on the rear fins. Within the cockpit, Tatanga bounced about with frustration and fury.

“Dieee!” Pushing yet another button, the alien launched a slew of missiles from his ship, all of them honed on Sombra. The equestrian magician bobbed and weaved his hill through as much of the barrage as he could, but the sheer numbers were too much and his hill was quickly hit, destroying it and sending him plummeting back to earth yet again. As Tatanga cackled victoriously, Bowser in his copter pulled up directly overhead.

“Now’s my chance!” With a bold leap, he threw himself from the copter and fell squarely onto the glass shell of the cockpit, his claws digging into metal as Tatanga cried in surprise.

“W-what are you doing out there!? Get off my ship, you wretched reptile!”

“Not until I get that princess!” Bowser began pounding and scratching the glass, making cracks. Tatanga shuddered both in panic and outrage over the damage being done to his ship in such a brutish manner.

“I’m warning you, there’s an electrical defense grid that can emit a ten thousand volt charge. Either let go or I’ll have you fried like bacon on the sun!”

“Not a chance!” Bowser continued to pound away at the glass.

“Fine! You can join your friend in the afterlife!” Tatanga pressed a large red button, and instantly a warning klaxon went off as the cockpit filled with red light.

*SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED. FIFTEEN SECONDS UNTIL SHIP DETONATION*

“Wait, self-destruct?” Bowser asked. “Why the heck did you do that!?”

“Self-destruct? No that can’t be; this is the button for the electrical grid... No wait... Wasn’t it this...?” Tatanga gripped his head as he bared his teeth in panic. “Why do they all look so similar!? Curse my engineers to the coldest black hole imaginable! Curse Them All!”

As the self-destruct counted down, Bowser took on a rather pouty face. “This really hasn’t been my day...”

A blink and the gleaming spaceship became a spectacular fireball of smoke and charred metal in a resounding blast. From the aerial inferno, Bowser tumbled at high speed straight toward the ground, and after about a minute of freefall he hit terra firma with the force of a wrecking ball. As the dirt settled, Bowser groaned and struggled to pull the upper half of his body out of the ground. With an undignified pop he freed himself and fell on his back. From his position he could see he was in a barren section of the Mushroom Kingdom near some mountains. He ached immensely, and felt another migraine coming on, but at the very least it was quiet.

“...Well, not the worst place I’ve found myself after an explosion.”

He took in the calm for a while, until a familiar whirring reached his ears. Tilting his head slightly, he saw his Klown Kopter floating slowly down toward him, completely intact and with... Oh no. He must be suffering from a severe concussion. There was no way that he was seeing Lame-bra riding his copter.

“Napping, I see. Understandable: all this running around can be all too tiring for a simple sluggish turtle such as yourself.”

The hallucination was talking to him, so chances were very high that it was in fact real, and was indeed riding in his vehicle.

“You...” Bowser said in a low, heavy tone as he slowly got to his feet. “What are you doing riding my copter?”

“Well, I saw that it was abandoned and decided to procure it rather than let it break to pieces down here,” Sombra said smugly. “I must say, despite the terrible appearance, this is a rather fine flying machine. Handles well, gets good speed, relatively compact and yet surprisingly spacious. Plenty of room for multiple passengers, especially delicate ones.”

With that, a familiar pretty head of blonde hair wearing a crown popped up, and at that moment every ache in Bowser’s body vanished, save the impending migraine that had become full-on. Utilizing the pain in his head to focus, the koopa stood erect and justly enraged.

“You dirty... What did I tell you about Her!”

“I couldn’t very well leave her to plummet several thousand feet to a messy demise; she’s nowhere near as thick as you to have survived otherwise. Besides, given how much you value her, I believe this will make for adequate compensation for yesterday.”

“Let me go, you cad!” Peach was promptly stuffed back into the recesses of the copter.

“It’s Sombra, my dear, and that will be enough out of you for now.”

Bowser stomped a foot. “Compensation nothing! You give her to me this instant or I’ll ripped off that pretty-boy mane and Ram It Down Your Throat!”

“Oh my, you’re quite serious aren’t you?” Sombra said with a hoof raised to his mouth. “I get the message. Give me a moment and she’ll be right out.”

“Good!” Bowser watched as Sombra ducked back into the copter, then crossed his arms with a smug grin. “Hrmf, finally some respect.” Immediately after saying that, a large metal ball crushed him with barely a sound. Up above, Sombra looked down with a snicker.

“Ah yes. Much roomier without all that clutter.”

Sombra took the copter up and flew off to more verdant plains in the distance. Once the whirring had dissipated, the metal ball started shifting, slightly at first, then more rapidly. In one deep-chested yell, the ball flew straight up from a grossly powerful lift, soaring out of sight at semi-sonic speeds. Bowser stood seething with eyes practically burning with fury, the earth around him pulsating from raw emotion. On the one hand his migraine had vanished, but had been replaced by something far less pleasant.

“I swear... I swear, you conniving horse. I Will Have My Revenge!”

The koopa roared his declaration to the heavens, to be heard by all living things in a twenty mile radius. If he were a Demigod, the sheer power of his outcry would have set the air aflame and obliterated entire fleets of starships in low orbit, but luckily for all of us he didn’t have that kind of power. Just uncontrollable anger and a newfound cause for righteous violence. It was going to be a messy evening.

---

A hundred miles away, deep within the mountain range of Mt. Rugged, Tatanga crawled out from a smoking escape pod and brushed himself off.

“How disgraceful, to lose to yet another inhabitant of this lowly planet,” he bemoaned, getting to his feet. “Well I’m finished playing games. It’s time I showed these animals the sheer ferocity of my empire!”

Tatanga pulled out a communicator and strode a ways from a pod to look at the orange-tinted sky. “First of all, I’ll have my engineers fired into the nearest sun. Afterwards, I’ll send the armada to raze the planet. Not even bacteria will be left when I’m through. It shall be written on this dirt ball’s tombstone that the Great and Mighty Tatanga was the one to finally end its miserable tenure of existence, adding it as yet another addition to the list of those to fall before My Unbeatable W—”

That’s when a giant metal ball crushed him.

To Be Settled...

Comments

[StrigidaeFan]

Sombra is a pragmatic jerk, and I love it.