Hi there, I'm Aramil Daniel Smith. I had a pretty good life on Earth: Girlfriend, both my parents, lots of friends, good grades and even money. Then I get dragged off to become a missionary for a god nobody belives even exists anymore and lose my lovely life to go try to convert technicolored ponies to a religion nobodies interested in. WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE!?
Takes place in the Chess Game Of The Gods, one of the few stories where the character isn't happy to go to Equestria.
Chapters (3)
It's fairly well written so far. may want to go over this thing with a fine tooth comb. I saw a misspell somewhere but can't remember.
in my opinion, the only things that may need a touch up on are the unreadable menu and how Aramil thinks the old guy seems like Fizban. Not everyone read that series (me included)
That's all and good luck writing
Okay, I just want to put this out there because my story got smashed within hours of it being put out to the community; can you please tell me why it is bad? It's painful enough to have your first story shot down into a smoldering ruin, but it hurts even more when you don't know why. So please, if you can spend the minute or two to post a comment on why it's bad rather than just shoot it down, would you please do me the favor?
1781170Please tell me you didn't delete those comments because they were "mean".
1782376
No, they were about the categories I put on my story, but I heeded their advice and changed the categories. With the categories changed, those comments really weren't needed, and were only going to point out something that no longer existed, so I deleted them to avoid later confusion.
1782413 I've done that sort of thing too...but on a wiki. It's best you don't do that again in the future, or people will start avoiding you, thinking that their advice wouldn't be heeded.
1782446
Thanks for the advice, I need all that I can get it seems.
1782465Eh. First stories aren't usually great. Rare are they featured on the first go or generally well received. I have, about, thirty-one stries(Ignore the thirty four. I've abandoned two and canceled one) You usually have to think of something completely new and undone before. In fact, it was my third story that got me known here on this site.
First things first. While it's not vital, using a cool looking image for your story's cover will drag curious people in.
).
Second, and this is vital, a title that says what will happen, but doesn't explain how. I always put subliminal messaging in my titles that aren't understood until someone reads my stories.(trololol
Third, your description. It must show things that will attract a reader. Like, explain who the character is by brushing on their life and tell what is happening, or go into the background and show what is brewing and what drags your main character into the situation. You don't want to spoil it all though, so, just "brush" on the surface of the story.
Fourth, the chapter titles. Most people don't bother and like to just use "chapter 1, chapter 2,...chapter potato", and so forth. Your third chapter, for example, has a bland and overused style of title. The "from happiness to horror" thing has been done so many times!
The other two convey on what is most certain to happen, but your third just throws the suspense away. Sometimes, make your first chapter unrelated to the intro of the story. Troll your readers so that they realize that the title did nothing to prepare them for what was to happen.(
) Don't do troll chapters. Once or twice on different stories in a huge span of time is okay, but constantly, it just makes 'em mad.
Fifth: and this is obvious, spelling. A few typos here and there are okay. Heck, even minor things like punctuation are okay, but when you have so many, "wall of text" things, and even fail in your description, you best prepare yourself to get your spine ripped out and used as a necklace. There are some pre-readers on this site who can help you. I forgot the name of their group though.
Sixth, avoid the "Char Aznable" disease with your characters. This generally pertains to characters usually having the same identical tastes, way of thinking, having an object that is practically the same thing (mask for Char), color similarities, exact same skills, and all around looking like a clone.
. This usually only happens to stories that are linked or in the same style of universe, like the Gundam series (which is where the disease came from. Seriously. They all have a blond guy with a white mask who loves red and is a super ace from hell and gets defeated by the main character all the time. Sometimes going nuts in the process)
1782563
I'm starting to think that I should scrap this story and try something I had on the backburner
1782597 Your choice. You can keep this as a reminder and have my comment there for future reference and see what you should and should not do with stories in the future (like my first that is strangely well received now
) by basing yourself on your first.
Sweet Christ doing a tap-dance, your introductory chapter is better than mine. Well done, mate. Well done.
In other news, I shall be tracking this and liking it. May this piece of work reach the top ten fictions.
I really hope you don't decide to just end this simply because of a bunch of assholes who hate the Chessverse downvoting you....