10,000 years... 10,000 bucking years into the future in a world entirely unfamiliar to me. My home, my castle, my life are all gone. How I got here? I wouldn't know, though I hope to find out. My name is Etherial Dawn, and the author of this story will describe the events that transpired since she arrived. A little filly alicorn, Elysia, who may be responsible for me being here in the future. My friends, I ask only for your attention as you read my tale. My story is one of a kind, and truly original. The author here will do his best to describe to you what happened, though it may be inadequate. I shall not interrupt the tale, so please, enjoy. [re-write of intro]
(Edited by EternalShadow45)
Cancelled... Will publish every chapter with words.
Chapters (3)
Hello fellow fimfiction writers and readers. I wish too ask those who like or dislike my fic to tell me why. I really need feedback guys! I know I make mistakes, but I cannot accept that fellow writers and readers who are also fellow bronies in this world as crazy as it is, would not like something and not say why, or like something and not say why. I wish too thank those who comment on other peoples stories. My fellow bronies I ask for your help, leave me your feedback.
You know what would make my day?... a comment.
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Never fear my friend! I have finally push all my things aside to sit down and read/edit/review this story! I shall return!
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Thanks!
Okay, I don't think I need my intro for you. Regardless, Official Reviewer EternalShadow54 here from Editors Dreamland to review your fic!
Errr... hmmm... Can I... point out a few spelling errors in chapter one?
The "too" in this should be spelt "to".
The same case here. "too" should just be "to".
AND here.
And here...
"curiousity" is spelt "curiosity".
"too" should be "to".
"shuttered" should be spelt "shuddered" and again... "too" is "to".
Heh, more of a suggestion. "pyramid" might sound better as the adjective form "pyramidal".
"too" is "to"...
I think you missed crossing your "t" for event there.
Errr... "shiny"? I'm not sure what you were meaning to say here. "Skinny" perhaps?
"too" is "to"...
Again... "too" is "to"...
I think you meant "walked".
"too" is "to"...
Might I suggest that it would be best to just use "to" instead of "too" for the fact that "to" is used more commonly and is less likely to be wrongly used?
You see it...
Again, "too" is "to" here...
Ummm... everywhere "too" is used, it's supposed to be "to".
You see those "too"s.
"too"... And "whom" would be more correctly used as "who". "eachother" should be spaced as "each other". "there" should be spelt "their" in the sense you're using it.
"on to" should be put together as "onto".
"what so ever" is all one word as "whatsoever". And "hoards" is spelt "hordes" in this sense.
Those "too"s are going to be the end of me... I can feel it...
"too"...
"hallow" is "hollow".
"too"...
"too"...
"too"...
Try "expecting" instead of "expectant".
"too"... And "generousity" is spelt "generosity".
"too"...
Every "too" found throughout...
"too"...
First off, numbers are NEVER used in literature. (Unless you're speaking of time. Even then, you shouldn't.) And "too" again...
"too"...
"too"...
"while's"? Could we try... "after a little while gazing..."
Everywhere you find a "too"...
"sun dial" is one word as "sundial".
"Authors" needs an apostrophe as so: "Author's". And "PostScript" should just be "postscript".
LAST THING! "then" should be spelt "than" in this sense.
Now... that's only spelling errors off what I could pick out grazing through. Ummm... would you just like me to make the necissary changes? It would consume SO MUCH LESS of my time instead of picking them out, qouting them, and telling you where they are.
Now if you DON'T, I'll come back and finish the review after a break. It'll be a nice thirty minute break and I'll be able to just focus on structure, punctuation, and storyline.
~Signed, the guy who cares, EternalShadow54...
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Thanks So much! I am making the corrections right now.
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Also, I will resume the corrections tomorrow. Seriously your editing skills are so awesome I have to resume another day. I still hope you enjoyed the read.
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I finished said corrections. And yes I would love if you would do that for me! That would make my day so much better!
"One day a man walked by a tree, and it was a hot day. He sat down for its shade cooled and shielded him from the hot sun. The tree stirred, now realizing that someone was laying down beside it for its shade. The tree asked, "What cause have you to find shelter from the sun in my leaves shade?" The man replied, "My dear friend, it is quite a hot day, and I was being cooked in the sun. I was merely seeking to protect myself from the sun and its harming rays." The tree replied, "I did not give you permission to come sit down underneath me. So go, and leave. Do not come back unless I allow you to sit underneath me." The man was about to protest, but then stopped and did as he was told. Many years went by, and the tree was alone for quite sometime. Suddenly, there was a group of people carrying axes coming. They were about to cut down the whole forest! The tree panicked, when suddenly, it recognized one of them. It was the man from so many years ago, of whom it refused protection from the sun. The tree called out to it, "Hey! I remember you! Have you come to exact revenge for something as tedious as what I have done to you so many years ago." The man looked towards the tree, apparently in recognition. The man heard it, and replied, "Our village is in need of wood, and there is plenty in those forests you see." They were still coming, the tree had to think of how to save its life. Eventually, it spoke, though in a desperate tone. "I beg of you, please do not cut me down and use me for lumber. I don't want to die!" The tree called. The man smiled and said calmly, "Maybe you should have thought about that before you cast me out of your protection. For the universe tends to favor those of which wrong has been done." He walked up to the tree about to strike when it called out again, "Is there no mercy among men?" This took him off guard. He set down his axe and spoke to the tree, "Where was mercy amongst your folk when we needed shade? Should I have assumed that you would leave me out in the heat? If this is so, let me know?" The tree was taken off guard as well. It regretted its decision and replied, "I am sorry, I should have acted better." The man simply looked down in disappointment and said, "Were I not carrying this axe, you would not be saying the things you are now. Maybe you should think in another life where compassion is due, farewell." And with that, he struck the tree with his axe, eventually cutting it down whole.
My dear fellow bronies, the moral of this tale is show mercy and compassion upon others, for it could benefit you later in life. Had this tree been kind to the man, he might of spared it. Bronies, disliking my story and not even telling me why is essentially the same thing as this tree has done. I would doubt it befitting that the man should have shown mercy for something the tree did not show him years ago. If you dislike my story, and tell me why it would benefit me, and I could improve so much as to make it better, or even change your opinion. But, never the less, you will ignore this as you always do...
How can you call yourselves bronies and yet do this to another brony?
To those ***holes who disliked and didn't comment as to why I give you at least a fourth of the blame for my story being cancelled. I posted it early eager for feedback so I could improve my story with your help... thanks jack***es. >:(
