A peaceful silence filled the air in Ponyville. From the far fields of Sweet Apple Acres, to the streets and alleys of the inner town, hardly a single sound could be heard. The sun had long since set, and the townsfolk's candles put out, leaving only the pale crescent moon to illuminate the darkness.
Perhaps the only exception was a single sputtering candle casting its gentle light across the interior of the Golden Oaks library, and the lavender glow from the horn of the unicorn writing by its light. Twilight Sparkle was standing in front of her desk beside the window, admiring the peaceful stillness of the night as she wrote a letter.
Beside her, sitting on one of the Library’s couches, was Spike, looking bored and half-asleep as he dozed off to the scritch scratch of Twilight’s quill. It was a rhythmic sort of sound, one Spike had become well accustomed to in his time as her assistant. It paused for a second, and the momentary silence caused him to open his tired eyes and gaze at his older sister.
She was looking out at the star-filled sky, brow furrowed as she contemplated something or other. Considering Twilight, it was probably an academic quandary that'd be dreadfully boring to the young dragon. But if there was one thing Spike knew about Twilight, it was that she loved to discuss her thoughts.
Preparing himself for whatever mental exercise that was sure to come next, he let out a quiet, “Something up, Twilight?” When she didn’t immediately respond he spoke a little louder. “You’ve normally got your muzzle buried in a book right about now. I thought Celestia’s next report wasn't due until Tuesday.”
“I was just thinking.” She continued to stare out the window, eyes glued to the night sky, watching the stars as they twinkled overhead. Or maybe she wasn't looking at the stars at all, but rather through them.
“Twilight, you’re always thinking. I’ve never seen you not think about something.”
The thoughtful librarian turned her head and looked at her assistant, a bemused half-smile on her face. “Oh, you know what I mean, Spike. I’m thinking about some bigger questions.” She shifted her gaze back to the stars.
There will never be a question too big for Twilight Sparkle. Spike thought.
“Well, uh, like what? Fate? Life and death? What it would be like if you were cursed and no one could remember that you existed?” That last one was from a book he had read. Easily the longest novel Twilight had ever insisted he check out. Who was the author again? Spike wondered, I always thought it was funny how obsessed the author was with fictional Princesses. I’ll have ask Twilight about it some time.
“I’ve always wondered what it’s like…"
She's pausing for dramatic effect, I'm doomed.
"To be like her.”
“…huh?” That certainly wasn't the response he had been expecting. “Be like who, Twilight?”
“Princess Celestia”
Oh… Spike let himself sink back into the couch. He should have known she was thinking about Celestia after the Crystal Empire fiasco. All that worrying she did about being a failure had left her acting pretty skittish ever since. The dragon pondered the question as he counted the knots of wood on the ceiling of the library.
“I’d imagine it’s a lot of hard work and long hours, with not nearly enough sleep for my taste. C’mon Twilight, we both know how this ends; everyone is impressed and awestruck by her royal bearing, the pomp and circumstance, but then you learn that behind it all is just another difficult job like all the rest, except with a little more glorification. It’s classic as classic can be. We’ve all seen it a million times.” Socratic exercises like this could go on for hours with someone like Twilight. Spike had learned from experience to nip things in the bud fast, before Twilight got into another one of those frenzied moods. Cerberus was still dealing with the results of her last 'raise the dead' experiment. “You’ve been around the Princess enough to know it’s true. “
“I know that, Spike, but I wasn't thinking about the Princess' job or anything else. I’m just wondering what it’s like to be her. To have lived for eons; to have so much time to see the world and learn from it, and to have the chance to pass that knowledge and wisdom down to others.” At this, she turned to look at him. Spike could see a spark of fervor in Twilight’s eyes, that look she always had when looking at a fresh stack of blank parchment. “To not only have the power to change the world, but to live long enough to see the long-reaching fruits of your labor. I know I probably wouldn’t like to be an alicorn, the disadvantages of immortality and all that, but… I don’t know. It’s just interesting to think about.”
“I guess, Twilight.” It certainly was interesting to think about. If he was immortal, what would he do with all that time? I’d probably sleep a lot, that’s for sure. “Maybe you could ask her the next time she visits. I’m sure she’d be willing to talk about it.”
“You’re right, Spike,” Twilight said with a smile. “I’ll write a letter to her tomorrow, ask her a couple of questions. Nothing big.”
Spike chuckled. For Twilight, there wasn’t anything related to Princess Celestia that was ‘nothing big’. With Twilight content to look out the window once again, Spike looked around the inside of the Library, thinking. Something had been bothering him for a while, something that this conversation had reminded him of.
“Hey, Twilight?” This wasn’t something he normally liked to talk about, but… might as well. He took a deep breath. “Since I’m a… a dragon, and dragons are really long lived… does that mean I’ll…?” He didn't want to finish that sentence.
“Oh, Spike.” Twilight gave him a gentle smile before reaching over with her foreleg and wrapping him in a warm hug. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we’re together now. The future is for future Twilight and Spike, right?” she said with a giggle.
Spike laughed with her. It was hard to forget that crazy week several months ago - especially after the tummy ache that followed after. His stomach still hated him for it; he hadn't been able to eat ice cream for a week! “I guess so.”
“Besides, even if I’m not always around out here.” Twilight promptly held Spike with her magic while she used her foreleg to gesture around the Library. “I’ll always be right here.” She poked him softly in his chest, and then on his forehead. With a yelp he was wrapped up in another tight hug. “I love you, Spike.”
“Alright, alright! That's enough of that for one night.” The lavender aura faded as Spike came to a rest on Twilight's back. “What’s that you’re writing?”
Twilight followed his gaze to the parchment on her desk. “Oh, my letter! I almost forgot I need to finish this tonight!” She grabbed a quill with her magic, dipped it in ink, and began to scribble along the parchment once again. “It’s to Shining Armor and Cadence.”
“Oh, did you already get a response from them for your last letter? Are they gonna be able to visit?” Spike pushed up onto his clawed toes, but couldn't see past her hair to read what she was writing. “I know how excited you were about having Cadence over during, as you said it, ‘sometime when the fate of the world doesn’t hang in the balance’. I was kinda getting excited too. Cadence said she’d bring me some malachite gemstones!” The Crystal Empire was heaven for a gemstone-eating dragon.
“Well, from their last letter I received earlier today, it seems like they won’t have a chance to visit for several months, as busy as they are right now.” Twilight let out a short sigh, which Spike mirrored a heartbeat later. “It’s completely understandable, of course, what with them being tasked with leading a nation that just spontaneously sprung out of the ground a few weeks ago. They’re probably up to their horns in work!” She finished writing the letter, signing her signature with a flourish and rolling up the scroll. “Still, I wish there was something we could do. Perhaps we should arrange a visit some time, see if there’s anything we can help with. If Winter Wrap Up is anything to go by, I’m pretty good at organization!”
“Yeah, don’t remind me.” Spike said as he glanced at the gigantic ‘checklist of checklists’ hanging up beside the window, only half of which was visible within the sputtering candle’s range. He yawned and hopped off of Twilight’s back. “Hey, Twilight, I think I’m gonna hit the hay. I got a long day tomorrow. Rarity is gonna take me gem hunting; we might even find some emeralds!”
Twilight yawned as well. “I guess I’ll get an early night’s sleep too.”
Spike glanced out the window, taking note of the deep sea of stars and the moon hanging directly overhead. “If this is your version of an early night’s sleep, I don’t want to know what ‘late’ is.”
~~~~~~
Moments later, Twilight reached the top of the library stairs with Spike on her back and a candle in her magical grip. As she entered their room on the balcony, the purple unicorn could already hear her Number One Assistant snoring gently.
Stepping over to the basket where he preferred to sleep, Twilight lifted him off her back with telekinesis, laying him down and covering him with blankets. Sometimes she felt bad about having him up so late to help her. Of course, that was usually before remembering that he tended to sleep most of the day anyways. She always joked that he was more like a cat than a dragon.
With the gem-eating cat tucked in, Twilight snuffed out her candle and used a soft glow spell to light the rest of the way to her bed. Once under the covers, she shifted around before finding a spot that felt comfortable. That old mattress had seen better days.
I should really look into adapting the cloud-walking spell for sustained use. I bet a cloud-bed would be wonderful on my back.
Thoughts filled with the theoretical applications of cloud-themed spellcraft, she drifted off to sleep within minutes.
******
That night, she dreamed of specters. Everything was ghosts and spirits, swirling around her in some kind of endless void. No matter where she turned or where she looked, all there was to see was darkness, and the gray shapes of those strange beings flitting across her vision. She felt a sense of urgency, like there was something she needed from them. Something important. Something essential.
“What are you?!” she called, her voice unceremoniously swallowed by the void (Was there even sound here at all?). It felt like there wasn’t a single noise anywhere.
No sound existed here; no sound had ever existed here. Yet she could feel a deep howling noise, coming from… somewhere. From the void, or within herself? She could not say.
Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity (or was it just a few seconds?), the spirits responded with a single word:
“Echoes.” There seemed to be no single source, it came from all directions.
“What do you mean? Echoes of what?!” No response.
She tried to move and found herself falling, down, down, farther into the void. All at once, the whirling void snapped into clarity once again, with the tornado of spirits still swirling above her like circling crows.
What caught her attention was the creature in front of her. It was made from sharp, ever shifting lines, like an artist’s stencil sketch come to life. The lines were pure white, like snow, forming the border of the strange being. The thing seemed to have no substance; it formed the silhouette of a pony, but she could see right through it.
It was large - larger than her. It was hard to scale anything in this place of nothing, but the thing dominated most of her line of sight.
She wanted to feel comforted by the pure-white being before her, but instead it terrified her. There was something horribly... wrong about this thing - there was just no other word for it. It was not necessarily evil, nor was it chaotic or disorderly. It was simply wrong.
The lines began to move in a new pattern, revealing a slowly opening mouth. A single word emanated from its maw, deeply powerful and horrifyingly but unidentifiably familiar.
“Echoes.”
She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t even breathe (did she ever breathe in this place?). She began falling down, farther and faster than before. The darkness was becoming suffocating now, closing in around her. Looking up, she could see that the silhouette was still facing her as if she had never moved, and now it had a pair of gigantic wings spread out behind it. The horn upon its head glowed, releasing tiny tendrils of the whiteness out into the void, before being swallowed whole by the same darkness that was covering herself.
She could feel her mind falling too, into deeper sleep. Just before she finally lost consciousness, she thought she heard another voice, laughing. It, too, was familiar, but she was too far gone to know why. The darkness took her, finally, into bliss.
Darkness was all she knew.
~~~~~~
Early morning sunlight filtered through Twilight Sparkle’s closed eyelids as she slept soundly, tired despite her ‘early night’ of rest. As the insistent light began to burn her eyes, she shifted and turned her head the other way, sighing with peaceful bliss as she became comfortable once again. Her ears twitched gently as the sound of angelic birdsong drifted inside. The familiar tweets and trills were a beautiful melody to wake to, and she found herself smiling contentedly.
Twilight's bed felt more comfortable than she had ever remembered it feeling. Almost as if she was sleeping on a cloud, rather than her old mattress. It was the best night of sleep she'd had in ages.
As she drunk in the bliss of utter contentment, the sun’s glare continued to creep across her, until its insistent call could wait no longer. Groggily, and with a slight frown upon her face, she turned to face the offending window, eyes shut tight against the sun as she extended her magic. After a moment of confused searching, she gripped the curtains in a field of telekinetic energy and attempted to pull them shut.
Instead of comforting darkness, however, her eyes were assaulted by even more blinding sunlight, accompanied by the sound of ripping fabric and the clatter of the curtain rod being torn from the wall. Startled into an upright position by the sudden attack on her senses, Twilight had to raise a forelimb to protect her vision from the glare until her poor eyes could adjust. Wincing from the pain, she slowly lowered her hoof and opened her eyes, taking in the sight before her.
“What the…”
Instead of being met by the wooden walls and bookshelves of her balcony room on the upper level of the library, magnificently adorned stone walls surrounded her. She was in some kind of bedchamber, almost as spacious as the entire main level of the Golden Oaks Library. However, what caught her eye were the colors and uncanny design scheme. The sides were covered in rich purple and lavender tapestries, and across the ceiling a massive star chart could be seen. Several beautiful oak dressers and cabinets sat along the walls, each covered in strange crystals of every hue and shape, pulsing with magical energy.
Just stay calm, girl, Twilight thought to herself. There has to be a logical explanation for this. It must be some kind of prank! Yeah that’s it, Rainbow Dash’s newest prank.
Before she could investigate the room further, her ears once again pricked up at the sound of familiar birdsong coming from outside. But something was off about the trilling, she realized. Twilight had always loved listening to birds since she was a child, and she had come to recognize the distinct sound of the local flocks in every place she had lived. Fluttershy's bird choir had certainly helped with that.
I know I’ve heard those birds before, but not in Ponyville. They sound like…
“Canterlot!” Twilight exclaimed, jumping from the bed and moving towards the window. She tripped over her own legs, however, and fell on her face, tangled up in the blankets of her bed. After a moment of struggling, she freed herself from the offending covers and bounded towards the window, gazing out upon the breathtaking sight before her.
Canterlot, in all its regal glory; the shining city was laid out before her in every direction, huge and beautiful and awe-inspiring. She could make out the tiny specks of ponies moving across bustling streets below, and spot the large crowds where the merchant districts must be. Everything was the same.
And yet… different.
There were crystals she had never seen before fixed upon towers she didn’t recall existed. Transport routes and train stations in different positions than the last time she had visited. Where had these things come from? What was going on?
Her wings fluttered subconsciously from the agitation; there was certainly something strange going on- HEY WAIT A MINUTE.
No… no… no no no no.
The wings were shifting quickly now. She could feel them, squirming and quivering like they had a mind of their own.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
As she turned her head and looked at the foreign, unwelcome appendages that had attached themselves to her spine, she caught a fleeting look through the mirror propped against the far wall behind her. Within the reflective glass stood an Alicorn as large and powerful as Celestia, staring at Twilight with a look of complete, unmitigated horror.
No.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Princess Eos, what’s wrong?!” two guards burst through the oak doors at the end of the room opposite the bed, wearing glimmering purple and gold armor on their backs and resolute expressions on their faces. They saw Twilight huddling in front of the mirror, holding a lavender primary feather in her trembling hooves as she looked deep into her own eyes.
“Wh-wha?! But I, I-I what?! Who are, who is, whabuthat’s-” don’t panic don’t panic TOO LATE ALREADY PANICKING.
“Your Highness, please, what is the matter?” they had already surrounded her on both sides, poised for danger.
“I’m not a princess, why do I have wings?! Who are you?!”
They exchanged worried glances. After a moment of silent discussion, one of them, a unicorn stallion, kneeled down before her and gently grabbed the feather with his magic. Her gaze followed the thing as it gently floated next to the guard’s face. His fur color was a very light brown, almost tan.
“Princess Eos, you know me. My name is Stalwart Vigil, and I am one of your guards here at the palace.” He removed his golden helmet, setting it on the marble floor with a soft thunk. He gave her a look of calm, and while they looked at each other Twilight could see through the enchantment designed to make all royal guards visually identical. He had a light green coat and blue hair, but what caught her attention was the scar across his muzzle. It seemed he expected her to recognize the feature, as if it bore significance to her.
In all her years living in the palace as a student, she had never seen nor known of this guard.
Shaking her head, Twilight backed away from the stallion, bumping into the mirror and startling her wings into action again. They began to flutter and flap out of instinct, completely out of her control. It was unsettling, to say the least. She could feel them there, assaulting her mind with sensations she had never felt before, yet she had no idea how to move them. Yelping in distress, she rolled away from the mirror and tried to pin the wings down with her hooves, magic temporarily forgotten.
“C’mon you stupid things! Stop moving!" with her wings pinned down for the moment, she looked up at the ponies with fear in her eyes. “Where is Princess Celestia, is she in the castle? She must know what’s going on, please!”
Their only response was confusion. After a moment, the stallion spoke again, “Princess… Celestia? Your Majesty, who is this Celestia?”
“No… no you can’t be serious! This doesn’t make any sense!” Twilight no longer cared about the wings. None of that mattered, not compared to this.
“I don't believe she's in her right mind. Should we take her to the Infirmary?” the other guard had spoken up, helmet still on. By the sound of the voice, she was a mare. By her wings, a Pegasus.
“Yes, and quickly.” He stood, leaving his helmet upon the ground where he had placed it. After a moment of silent motions to his companion, he began to approach Twilight once again, speaking softly so as not to startle her. “Princess, please, we’re not going to harm you. We have to take you somewhere where we can help you. Please, it won’t take long.”
“Why do you keep calling me that? Nothing is making any sense.” Twilight had curled into a ball, gently trembling.
“It’s okay, Eos. We’ll take you home.” The unicorn extended his hoof to her. After a moment of hesitation, she grasped it, and allowed him to pull her unsteadily to her hooves. With a slight nod, she motioned for him to lead the way. Her wings had decided to rest, at least for now.
As they began to gently hold her and pull her towards the door, Twilight looked towards the mirror once again. Her mane and tail were a disheveled mess, and her eyes were glistening from fresh tears. She looked absolutely insane.
I probably am.
~~~~~~
Once outside the bedchamber, they moved through several secondary rooms and antechambers before entering a larger hallway. Twilight began to feel slightly calmer as she exited the confines of those royal living quarters. The guards moved briskly, their speed only dictated by Twilight’s unstable feet.
Aagh, these darn legs! They’re too long, I feel like a newborn foal! She was tired of tripping, tired of having no idea what was going on. Twilight took a deep breath to calm herself. Just calm down, I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for this. It’s still entirely possible I’m dreaming. Yes, that’d be nice. All just a dream.
A dream, a dream! Ha! All of a sudden, the prospect felt so funny that she burst out laughing, and had to stop for a moment to catch her breath. The guards, meanwhile, exchanged more worried looks.
“Your Majesty? Is… is everything alright?”
“M-Me? Oh, hehe, oh yes. Everything’s fine, it’ll all be fine!” her voice drifted off from there, giggling in a not entirely sane-sounding way. They could still hear her muttering under her breath in between giggles, something about dreams.
“Please Princess Eos, we have to get moving again.” The unicorn gently pulled her forward by her hoof. They moved around several corners again before the guards began to speak to each other. Twilight, at the time, was still chuckling to herself as she looked at the beautiful palace tapestries.
“Imbrium, do you recognize her affliction?” the stallion spoke to the other guard, apparently named Imbrium. The question was not one born of ignorance; it was a quiz.
“Yes, sir, I think so.” The mare looked back towards Twilight, watching her. “Though I’ve never seen it this close before. ‘Delirium Induced by Magical Exhaustion’, right?”
“Apparently in its advanced stages, yes, and I’ve only seen her like this once before. I had hoped I’d never be in this position again.” The stallion shook his head. Now was not the time for such thoughts, Eos was vulnerable. “We’ll be passing through the Throne Room. I want you to fetch Spike and the Captain. They’ll meet us there.”
“Spike? Spike is here?! Where is he, I want to see him!” at the mention of her assistant’s name, Twilight had suddenly jumped back to where the guards stood in quiet council, tripping over her forelegs and nearly rolling the entire distance to where they were. Imbrium was already galloping down a side passage.
“Don’t worry, your Majesty. We’ll be meeting him in the Throne Room, just a little distance away.” With that, Twilight immediately jumped to her feet and took off in the direction of the Throne Room. She knew the way through the castle; she had spent much of her life within these walls. Even in this strange dream world, the hallways were much the way they had always been, with only the occasional alteration.
In what seemed like no time at all, Twilight was standing in front of the grand double-doors of the Throne Room. Her unicorn escort was already speaking to the four guards in front of the door. Each guard was wearing matching purple and gold armor, just like the first two ponies to have met her during this nightmare. These guards, however, were bearing strange spears inlaid with runes of power, which glowed with faint lavender light. Twilight took a moment to admire the craftsmanship of the weapons. Even without a proper scan, she could tell that each held impressive amounts of magical energy, even though the guards did not seem to be powering them. Apparently the devices were self-sufficient.
Whatever her escort was saying to them, the guards nodded with grave understanding. Striking their spears upon the ground, the mighty doors swung inward, opening into the room. She rushed forward, passing between the doors before they had even opened all the way.
The Throne Room was even larger than she remembered it. It was veritably cavernous now, with giant purple standards hanging from the vaulted ceiling. Beautiful morning sunlight was shining through the stained glass windows, creating splashes of color all across the floor. The most conspicuous difference, however, was the massive doorway to the side of the throne, as large as the main entrance itself. That certainly hadn’t been there before.
Stepping forward with her escort beside her, Twilight came steadily closer to the grand Throne, observing the guards flanking each side of the room. Approaching a random group as hastily as her new legs would allow, she said, “Excuse me, sirs? Is Spike here yet? Where is he?”
Before any of them could respond with more than confused bows, the large secondary doorway she had noticed earlier began to open. From its mouth dashed another guardstallion, this one clothed in the garb traditional of high authority. Before she could ponder this new pony further, he had already approached her and given a sweeping bow. He was a unicorn with a pure white coat and short blonde hair. His cutie mark was covered by the armor he wore, but she knew she had seen this pony before.
“I am so sorry Princess. Spike is coming, he’ll be here momenta-”
“Wait, wait,” manners forgotten for a moment, Twilight couldn’t help but interrupt. “Are you… Prince Blueblood?!”
“-rily and wh- I beg your pardon?” that voice! It was definitely that good-for-nothing Prince from the gala! Before Twilight could respond, her escort had stepped forth and given the prince a solute.
“Captain Blueblood, sir, I take it Imbrium filled you in on the situation?”
“Yes, I came here as soon as I heard. Thank you for staying in control of the situation, Stalwart Vigil. Your actions in this debacle have been commendable.”
“I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t care anymore, where is Spike?!” Twilight could practically feel the hairs on her mane springing up. ‘Captain’ Blueblood began to say something, but just as quickly stopped and paused for a moment, looking back towards where he had entered while holding his hoof up in a sign of requested silence. He smiled.
“Well, there he is now!”
Twilight could feel something. Something deep, a rhythmic bass that reverberated through her entire body. It was slow, but steady, like a heartbeat.
Thump thump, thump thump.
It was getting closer, she knew it. She could feel the vibrations moving through the floor.
Thump thump, thump thump.
Her teeth chattered from the raw, earth-shaking power. She could practically see the vibrations now.
Thump thump, thump thump.
She could remember very few times in her life that she had ever felt something like this, and they weren’t the most peaceful of memories to contemplate.
Thump thump, thump thump THUMP. After a final, heart-throbbingly loud beat, there was no more. It took several seconds for the reverberations to finally come to an end.
A giant purple dragon head, larger than her entire body, poked around the corner of the entrance. It peered about the throne room with huge green eyes, taking everything in. After a moment of searching, his eyes fell upon the trio, staring directly into Twilight’s own. His face brightened upon seeing her, and he immediately began moving more of his massive body through the door. The entire room shook with his movements.
“Eos, it’s good to see that you’re okay. Relatively speaking of course.” He chuckled, a sound akin to an avalanche.
“S-Spike?” why do I get the sinking feeling that this isn’t a dream…
His face showed only the briefest flicker of concern before the warm smile returned. “Well, of course.”
“Oh. Good.” With that statement, Twilight let the last of her sanity fade. “Then I have nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.”
She fainted.
Author's Notes stealing the first comment spot? On MY Fimfiction?
It's more likely than you think!
Anyways, well, here it is! I'm really excited to officially be writing my first MLP fanfic. I've been meaning to make one for a long time, but never really got around to publishing one until now. I've read quite a lot of fanfiction during my time here, but I'm rather new to the writing process, so by all means give me criticism. In particular, how was the sentence structure? I tried to keep things fairly concise, provide plenty of imagery and description without beating you guys over the head with massive paragraphs (because I've found that I'm a little verbose at times, if I'm not careful). That was the part I was most worried about (and spent the most time managing) so tell me how I did!
Also one more thing: dialogue. How was it? I have virtually zero formal experience with writing dialogue, so I kinda just tried what sounded natural and hoped it worked. If you guys want to give your criticisms, please do!
i.imgur.com/hHYEh.png
EDIT: A/N now with capital letters! Just for you, Derpmind.
:3
First thing's first, I suppose. Congratulations would first be in order; you've taken an old tale and put your own spin on it. Jolly fine and all that. On to the criticism, then. The most important one is that your paragraphs are much too short. While breaks in acts and scenery are acceptable, you've devolved the whole thing into one-shot continuations on a per-paragraph basis. There's not much essence stated within each of the bodies of words, even less action than one could expect. While correct use of diction would be something to be praised about, you've mercilessly used them to the point that each entry feels only slightly more than the level of a "See Spot Run" book. No one is asking you to put in a whole block of text, but the mode that you have executed the story in with regards to this particular adventure leaves quite a bit to be desired, even if the premise is entertaining.
Formatting aside, you might want to put a little bit more emotion in each action that accommodates your paragraphs. They feel very wooden, like string puppets, although I can see that you've attempted to do so on a few of Twilight's particular interactions. As it is still early days, I hope to see improvements, especially some introspect in future additions to the story. I won't be clicking "like" or "dislike" just yet, because we've only seen the tip of the iceberg. Good luck in the future and I hope to see improvements in regards to your writing.
narwhaler.com/img/sr/z/neck-stretch-computer-reaction-SRZGbY.jpg antleragency.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/VKN34.png
Ah-hah, now there's an attention-grabbing start! Parallel universe, memory loss or mental virus? Taking all bets! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
Oh.
Ohhhhh.
AWWWWWW YEAH.
I like this. I like this A LOT. I don't think I've seen anyone touch on this kind of concept for a twilight alicorn story.
Tracking the hell out of this. This is your first fic on here? JESUS man whatever magic you're doing keep doing it.
As for comments on the story, it's very easy to read and twilight's reactions are all very appropriate for this
strange world she's in. I have no complaints so far with the writing structure. Can't wait to see more!
Oooh I like. Rather different take on the normal "BANG - wake up with wings" - routine. Proceed.
For being "new to the writing process," you're doing better than many more-established writers, I think. I suppose you might want to consider giving in to the verbosity just a little; the writing now works well enough (And is rather above-average, at least as fan-fiction goes), but some more emphasis on certain aspects, and carrying a bit more continuity over multiple paragraphs, rather than handling them strictly as discrete events, might make the flow of the story more appealing. It's a minor criticism at most, as the writing is already pretty competent.
I'd mention the fact that the main visible aspect of the story so far (Alicorn Twilight) is a pretty well-established trope, but I don't think that's a hindrance here. You've already got it going in an unusual direction (And new is good), with the alternate-universe deal, and it can be a lot of fun to see a story that does new things with an old cliche... and considering my own first story, I wouldn't have much ground to complain about cliches! In any case, it comes across as a story that uses the trope, but isn't just the trope, and that's a good place to be. A good story can use an established trope or cliche and make it feel fresh, and so far this looks to have a good shot at doing that.
It's a bit early to tell, but the dialog is looking good so far, and more importantly, it felt right for the characters involved. I'd have to see more to say for sure, but what you've got so far is good.
Anyway, I'm very interested to see where this goes!
This is... Interesting. I'll follow for now.
Ok! I think you should deserve an award for:
THE MOST WTF OPENING CHAPTER IN ALL OF EXISTANCE!
This literally made me laugh so hard that I fell off my chair. I don't know if it was supposed to. Though you should win an award my friend, for the best opening paragraph ever. 5/5 Moustaches Love it!
Interesting indeed! As far as I have read it's quite a unique way to start a alicorn Twiligt story, definitly worth tracking!
You, Sir or Madam, have caught my interest
Alt. Title: I Wasn't Prepared To Cry For Eternity.
Color me Interested
I'd tap this.
In fact, I am tapping this. Hard.
It's hard to say much at this early stage of the fic, of course, but I am quite weak to fics involving Big!Spike for some reason.
In any case, remember that the best way to please your readers is FAST AND QUALITATIVE UPDATES! :D
Carry on.
eyyup
“Princess Eos, what’s wrong?!”
Eos. See what you did there. Greek goddess of dawn, right? You stole that name from me for my Twilight-is-Nightmare Moon story. Good job, now it'll look like a ripoff. (For the record, I do know it IS a popular Twilicorn name. And I'm not complaining, just stating that this name was on a list I'm in the process of choosing for said fic. Please, I'm not a whinyass My Immortal writer)
Also, on another note, good so far. Though I noticed it should be capitalized in some places, it's nothing you'll get hated for.
"What it would be like if you were cursed and nopony would remember you existed?"
I see what you did there
Captain Blueblood.
Fuck the what.
LOL
Alicorn Twilight? Downvo-- Wait, what? Holy shit, this is actually pretty cool! Liked and faved. Don't disappoint me. You wouldn't like me when I'm disappointed.
1725016
You do realize that Eos is the most used name for alicorn Twilight, right? It's used in quite a few stories, not just yours.
1724585 Put me for parrallel universe, 5 trollestia bet!
This almost ruined it for me. Weather reports. Do not use them to begin your story. You saved it by not having the day be bright and sunny, but its just not an interesting way to begin.
The section with the dream is all in italics, but preceded and followed by a scene break. This is unnecessary. You flat out state its a dream, the italics add nothing and detract from the readability.
The use of capitals should really be restricted to the royal canterlock voice. Twilight's thoughts should be panicked yes, but she is not really "shouting in her own head.".
Minor points really, but I wanted to share them. Nice opening.
I am completely confused.. don't mean I won't keep reading but I am not sure I enjoy it... I take pride in having read or am reading every single story in the Alicorn Twilight catagory... even if that means reading whart I don't like.
I. I don't know what I just read... But I like it!
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlpfanart/images/a/a4/Luna_saw_what_you_did_there.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20121219171810
I came, I read. And I love it. Congrats making to the fracture box! Lot of fresh potential in this. Well, keep them up and don't rush it.
I like, alternate universes always get me.
Oh dear.
Improper comma usage sprinkled here and there. Comma's aren't suppose to be used as pauses so some thing like [With that statement, Twilight let the last strand(or equivalent) of her sanity fade] should have no commas. On the other appendage commas are used as separators.
All in all looking forward to more.
ONE WORD: moaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar
>Twilight's face when
pleazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz add more this is one of the best ones i have read and it was goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood
She never asked for this...
1725016
The fact you came here to complain about it makes you look like a petty writer to begin with, just doing it for validation. Even a ripoff would be better than that.
... Wow. Now this is a hell of an opening chapter.
Sir, you had my curiosity. Now, you have my attention.
Favorited and upvoted!
More please!
Well feck. Someone beat me to it. Same cover art as well. Oh well, hakuna matata as they say. Quite a good opening if I do say so.
Do you plan on a sequel with fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/66582.png?1354208330 this?
Wow, thats interesting story I have to admit, I wonder how Twilight as Eos managed her kingdom in this probably alternative universe, who replaced Nightmare Moon, who is Twilight faithful student, what are curent mane 6 in her world, what kind of threats are there, do she will have to send her faithful student to deal with super villan like Celestia did with Twilight ( Celestia send Twilight uninformed and without support, risking her student life and Equestria was at stage, in Twilight as Eos case, Twilight know so little about this place, that she may probably also send her student to deal with critis without giving her/him any informations and support, but in her case she realy know nothink about threats and is not experienced to use her new powers and not know her military to assist or send any support.
But yea, I will be looking foward to next chapters.
What was done surprisingly well. Good work, keep it up!
1725016
AH ha ha ha! Good one.
But we all know that Ciroton was the first to use the name Eos in his "Sunset".
AUTOMATIC UPVOTE ALICORN TWILIGHT YAY BEST FIC
1725273
You bastard. I was about to do that!
great start to the chapter cant wait to see what happens next.
1725651
Don't troll stories you don't have to. It's like every rom-com, yet nobody stops THEM from being made.
I liked the concept, but you need an editor. There is a plethora of grammatical errors...
Good story though!
1725791 you must not know me very well.
1724585
I go for option four: Time Travel.
I suspected that from the beginning
i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag83/TrollestiaSubject/A%20Cute%20Folder/Nomnom/tumblr_me81e6Pk7A1r5803qo1_1280.gif
1724585 *sees AU tag* I put my money on parallel universe.
1725016 Oh don't worry, it IS a rip-off. You ripped it off from Greek Mythology. Seriously? You're going to try and claim ownership of an concept from ancient Greece? Bad form, bad form.
wow! thank you for all the views and comments!
this just makes me so much more excited to continue writing!
1724559
thank you, and duly noted!
i don't think there's much i can do to seriously change up the paragraph structure of this chapter right now, but i'll definitely try and take that into account for future chapters.
1724599
thanks! i'm glad you loved it
1724618
yeah, i tried my best to try something new with the Alicorn!Twilight story. i've always been really into that genre (one of the first fics i read on this site was kinda the reverse, Sunny Skies All Day Long. without spoiling anything, we'll see something like that later), so i really wanted to give something back to it with my own take on the concept. also, i love it whenever i see someone using the word 'Trope'.
1724926
hmm, Cry For Eternity is on my Read-Later list.
i should really go read that...
1725016
i've never read any of your stories, so any stealing of ideas was on complete accident.
i will be honest though, the idea of "Eos" as the name for Princess!Twilight came from the fic Sunset. i loved the idea so much that i decided to use it myself. i don't feel like it's stealing though, since it's just a name out mythology anyway. i think it fits perfectly.
1725497
hmm, for the unlikely distant future i did have a couple ideas....
but i like that image, that'd be super fun to write.
1725519
the next couple chapters will explain a lot of the backstory, though of course i won't be giving everything away at once in some giant exposition dump. i kinda feel bad that i left this chapter with virtually no explanation for anything yet, but i was worried it was already getting a little long for an intro chapter already, hehe.
1725857
that image.
HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG - *dead*
my ghost: great, now you guys'll never get an update.
I fucking enjoyed that, it's rare when you get a fanfic so interesting as this. When's chapter 2 coming out?