[Note: Italicized text is a dragon's journal entry]
"LAST CALL FOR CLOUDSDALE!" a PA voice boomed.
Through the sea of ponies hopping trains to and from who knows where raced a purple and green blur speeding through every opening, sprinting to catch his train. As he came to a halt in front of the 9:17 Cloudsdale train, he took the closest of too many available seats for a day this crowded. He reached into his bag and pulled out a curious-looking journal. He pulled out an old, used-up pencil and began writing in neat, italic print:
Random thoughts for Hearts and Hooves Day, 2004:
-Today is a holiday invented by childish fillies and greeting card companies... to make ponies and dragons alike feel like crap.
-I left Twilight’s house to hop a train today before she woke up. Took the train all the way up to Cloudsdale.. I don’t really know why. I’m not usually an impulsive dragon.. I guess I just woke up discombobulated this morning and decided to leave before she woke up.
-I gotta get so much work done soon.
"ALL CALL FOR CLOUDSDALE CLIFF!" the conductor shouted.
-Sweet Celestia, is Cloudsdale cold this early in the morning. Cloudsdale in February.. Nice going, Spike.
-I just noticed there are pages ripped out from my journal. That’s funny.. I don’t usually do that. Apparently, this is my first entry in two years. Better get to it.
-I’m standing on the edge of Cloudsdale Cliff and I’m thinking.. clouds are really overrated. All they are are little wisps of water. Kinda makes you wonder why so many pegasi would set up a home here. What’s even holding them up, anyway? Magic? I’m not so sure I can believe in that anymore...
Through the fog in Cloudsdale Cliff, the dragon noticed another figure, a mare, walking along the edge of the city.
-If only I could meet somepony new... I guess that’d be quite a challenge, seeing as I can hardly make eye contact with any pony I don’t know, let alone talk to anypony I don't know, let alone overcome the fact that I’m the only dragon I know, whether or not I’ve grown up a bit.
-It’s a good thing Twilight taught me friendship so well before I grew into the monster I was supposed to. I don’t know.. Maybe some dragons aren’t meant to be monsters.
-Maybe Rarity and I should get back together... She was generous. Generous is good. She cared for me. She still has my fire ruby.. I wonder if I should try to ask her if I could get it back.. After all, it’s probably the only thing I have that would make a pony look my way anymore.
The peculiar-looking dragon made his way towards town and went into the nearest cafe. It wasn't very crowded inside, and after a few minutes, the dragon looked up from his writing to notice the mare from Cloudsdale Cliff canter in and take a seat at a table a few feet from him.
It’s such a ridiculous phenomenon... Why do I have to fall in love with every mare I see who shows me the least bit of attention? I don’t even know this crazy-looking rainbow pegasus...
Hey man, its Austin Jacobs, from SCV Bronies
So, I like it so far, a few things I could say, though, would be that I found myself a bit confuzzled when reading the "journal" entries...
I'm not entirely sure whether he was writing these things or reading them. And if he was reading them, why are they significant? These are things you should attempt to focus on.
ONE MORE THING! (http://tinyurl.com/alwtfb7)
"It’s such a ridiculous phenomenon... Why do I have to fall in love with every mare I see who shows me the least bit of attention? I don’t even know this crazy-looking rainbow pegasus..."
This read very unnaturally to me, especially because one can assume that "I don't even know this crazy-looking rainbow pegasus" is the most BLATANT foreshadowing I have ever seen lol
Foreshadowing is meant to be noticed only when the prophecy comes true, not when it is prophesied...if that makes sense!
If i could summarize, I would say that this chapter comes across as only slightly...forced...
If you could...put yourself into a mental position where you can VISUALIZE exactly how YOUR thought process would go in situations like this.
It will make the reader become more attached to the character, especially a tragic character, into which Spike (I assume) will soon be developed .
That's all I've got for this chapter...I will happily give more as i read on
Feel free to PM me or Facebook message me if you need me to clarify anything!