What is this place?

by eridan_ampora

Accepting Your Fate

"Oh Angel, do you need it that badly?"

Fluttershy sighed. Angel stomped his foot and pointed to the giant recipe book Fluttershy had positioned on the table.

"I don't want to fly all that way just for one thing."

Angel slipped his paw across his neck and dramatically fell to the floor.

"Oh, alright. I'll do it this time. But I need to pack first."

Fluttershy trotted to her room and as she started to pack her things, she began to think of the dangers of visiting the dark city where she would find the ingredient. Memories of Discord flooded her thoughts; His evil laugh, his glowing eyes, and his keen eye for excellent chaos.
He was the reason Fluttershy shuddered at the thought of that evil city...Saddleton. Years ago, Discord had destroyed Saddleton in an attempt to take over the throne of Princess Celestia, it was now quarantined. Fluttershy questioned Angel's urge for her to go to the empty town, but she knew Angel wouldn't have bad intentions.

In her bags she packed a few bottles of water, warm clothing, some energy bars and a few veggies, in case any hungry animals showed up. She sighed loudly, so Angel would hear her, and left her room.

"Ok Angel, I have to go now. Applejack will be coming by later to feed you all..."

She hesitated for a moment before saying goodbye and waving to everyone and leaving her cottage. She flew tirelessly for a couple hours, she was crying the whole way there. She really didn't want to do this, she knew something could go wrong, and something would.
She landed in a dusty, dirty street filled with abandoned vendors carts, most of them tipped over on their side. Fluttershy slowly walked down the road towards the back of the city where she could find the forest in which the thing she needed grew in. She then heard a rustling coming from the back alley next to her. She jumped up in the air like a land mine had exploded under her. She tiptoed toward the alley thinking it could be an animal.

"H.... Hello?" Fluttershy stammered.

It was silent again.

"Oh... Uh... Heh... It um.... Must have been my... Imagination!....." Fluttershy thought looking around nervously.

She backed out slowly of the alley. She heard another loud noise from behind her. She jumped again, then turned around. She saw a dark grey tail dissapear from her vision as it escaped into a building.

"Oh my goodness, I.. I think I'm so worked up that I.... I'm seeing things!"

There was a long, silent pause.

"Get out of here!"

Fluttershy jumped for a third time. This voice wasn't coming from her head. She looked around for a second, not seeing anything, but then, a grey male pegasus with royal blue hair was running out from an alley a few feet away from her. She noticed that he was charging... to her. Fluttershy squealed in surprise as the grey pony landed on top of her. She had no idea what was going on. Was that stallion trying to hurt her, or save her?

The mare was so frightened that she curled up in a ball. The grey pony over top of Fluttershy was breathing heavily and trembling. He picked up Fluttershy, who was still in a ball, and carried her off. Fluttershy opened her eyes when she felt the ground beneath her again. She was startled to find herself in front of an old, torn down shack. She got up and streched her stiff limbs. How long was she there? No pony was around, it was silent again. She slowly walked to the door of the shack and opened it slightly.

"Uh... Um... H.. Hello?"

"Ah, there you are" said a voice coming from inside.

"Come on in."

Fluttershy hesitantly flew in. She saw the pony from before, that was over top of her, sitting on a cushion playing with the fluff that had fallen out.

"Please, sit down."

Fluttershy sat on a cushion, it went flat once she sat on it. She noticed rips in the side of it.

It was gloomy in the shack. The windows were bordered up and the door was falling off it's hinges. There were strips of dirty wallpaper with little raindrops on it. Fluttershy looked at the grey stallion, he looked back.

"I'm... I'm Stormy. What's your name?" Asked the grey pegasus.

Fluttershy ran her hoof across the floor staring at the dust that rose up from her gentle touch.

"I... I'm Fluttershy..." She whispered.

"Why... Why did you bring me here?" She added.

"Well... A long time ago, Discord, the draconequus destroyed our city. He took over and turned everypony chaotic... Except for me. I escaped from discords... well... "hooves" and then came back, to find that everypony I loved..."

Stormy stopped to wipe away a tear

"Was gone."

Fluttershy's eyes watered.

"Oh my. That sounds so horrible. I know I'd be devestated if everypony I loved... vanished."

Just then, they heard a loud knock at the door. Stormy's eyes widened as he sat frozen staring at the door. Fluttershy cocked her head to look at the door. She saw a tall unicorn stallion standing at the door. He had a very dark grey mane, a lighter shade of grey for his coat... And then, she noticed the strangest thing of all. The unicorn standing outside, had black eyes.

"Fluttershy. You have to get out of here" Stormy said in a low tone.

There was another knock at the door, even louder this time. Then, they heard a gruff voice coming from outside.

"Come out. We know you're in there."

Fluttershy was staring at Stormy, startled at what he had just said.

"Fluttershy, please. Those ponies out there are going to kill you if you don't leave. Please do it for your safety."

Fluttershy was not sure what to do. She wanted to stay, and help Stormy, but on the other hand she knew she would get hurt.

And she wasn't going to take the chance.

Fluttershy crouched low and snuck out the back door. She flew up to the roof to watch what was going to happen. Just before Stormy opened the door, he thought to himself...

"Wow. Fluttershy is the most beautiful pony I've ever seen. It's a shame we'll never meet again."

Author's Note:

I've completley revised and redone my story. It's way better now. If you read it before I fixed it and didn't enjoy it, you might want to read it again ;)

Comments

[eridan_ampora]

My first fan fiction!! Sorry it's so short, I will be adding a new chapter as soon as possible!

[eridan_ampora]

stll waiting for approval!!

[Regidar]

1664570
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_margofyeXv1rsq0wr.gif

[Xx_vennalaya_xX]

it needs more spacing hun

[KlutzJellyfish]

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcoab2jfVJ1ql5yr7o1_400.gif

[Cheer]

ok

For the title

From bad to worse

- From Bad to Worse

For each new character speaking start a new line. It's hard to read as it currently is with the diolauge starting in the middle.

You started it with

One beautiful, sunny day

this is not a good idea. very cliche. You could instead change it up to explain how Discord escaped and such cause otherwise he's just out there doing whatever while the elements do nothing. It's a bit of a logic foul up.

You said you wanted to add another chapter but the story is labled as "Complete" might wanna fix that.

It rushes things a little. Try to build more tension with walking through town.

A VAN ...yeah. no. vans and Equestria don't tend to get along well since ya know. Cars don't exist there.

Space it out better

Pace it a little more

More description of the places would make for a more in depth experience.

You just throw us into the story. You don't describe the characters (while I understand this since we most likely know Flutters and angel. but still it could make for better reading to explain a bit.

Maybe try to think of a better way to say that everyone is getting discorded instead of being made chaotic since it just sounds rough. It just feels too ... I dunno exactly how to word it but reading them saying things like

turned mostly everypony chaotic

it felt like metal against metal squealing.

While it is fast you manage to make it just blah. I mean it seems like a good idea. The story needs to get spiced up a bit. Cause it's pretty bland as is.

These are my suggestions. Take them, leave them or whatever. It's your story.

Good luck and have a good life.

YBG Out -

[eridan_ampora]

Ok, well thanks for the help everypony! I'll try to fix it as soon as possible! You know, school work and stuff comes first!
-Love and tolerate

[eridan_ampora]

And, there can be vans if you use imagination

[Tsubasafangirl]

Hurry up and post the next chapter, fil!!!!!!!!!!!! Ur killing me!!!!!!

[Tsubasafangirl]

I love this site!! But really. Hurry the heck up!!!!!!!!!

[Tsubasafangirl]

Im gonna write my own fanfic, man!!!!

[eridan_ampora]

Ok then Lannachu

[eridan_ampora]

Hi everypony! I'm still working on the story bit by bit so it will be done as soon as possible

[dracoantares]

I like the story so far But...it's to short. I can't be into the story unless there's more. Good job and keep it coming!

[KatAllergies]

Oh my goodness! I love how you completely revised this. I can really tell you're putting your time into it now. I'm so proud of this story... I'm sure the next chapter will be just as awesome! (But don't forget to take your time, like you did with this one!) SO. PROUD.

Yaaaaay!

[eridan_ampora]

1765158 yeah, I'm working on it right now!

[eridan_ampora]

1772787 thanks andifoo!

[Tsubasafangirl]

Yeah. It looks WAAAAAAAAY better now. My fanfic is coming along.....

[eridan_ampora]

Thats good

[Tsubasafangirl]

I read it! Stop nagging me! Sheesh!!!

[eridan_ampora]

1788573 whatevs

[eridan_ampora]

Okie Dokie Lokie! The first chapter is done!! I'm writing the next chapter right now!