Barter (Part 3)
"Clarkson, what the bloody hell are you thinking?" James yelled across to the tall man, who was finally content to let his engine die down to a purr. "This is an alien population center, not a Top Gear live show!"
James unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the door and stepped from the cab, his fellow television hosts doing the same. Now that they were finally here, it seemed like a scene from medieval England. Thatched cottages seemed to be the primary form of housing, but in the distance James could clearly make out a larger building in the centre of town with what appeared to be a tiled roof. And then there was the marvel of a building that stood only metres from them, one that seemed through some great feat of engineering or biology to be carved out of a live tree.
James was just beginning to ponder how such a tree could possibly live without the structural support necessary to stand under its own weight when he was interrupted rather abruptly by the appearance of yet another biological marvel. Moments after his attention had been called to the tree in question, a small door had swung open, and the three men were treated to their first glimpse of sapient non-human life.
"Oh my word" James whispered, gazing at the small, purple quadruped.
"It looks like something from one of my daughter's television shows" Richard murmured back.
"Why does it have a cock on its face?" Jeremy asked. All three men were silent for a moment before bursting into laughter.
---
Twilight Sparkle was confused. Here she was, about to begin the subtle art of diplomacy between races so far unknown to each other, and these three humans were acting more like foals than grown stallions. She didn't know what a 'cock' was, but whatever joke the taller one had made was obviously not suitable for a first-contact situation. Still, she swallowed her indignation and strode forward.
"Greetings humans. I bid you welcome to our town of Ponyville, and hope that..."
---
Richard, James and Jeremy stood stock still, their laughter dying on their lips.
"Maybe now isn't really the time for jokes" Richard said softly, as the purple unicorn made her long winded speech.
"Oh relax" Jeremy replied. "As far as I'm concerned, I'm just glad they're not the face-hugging type of alien."
"Hang on, I think it's almost done" Richard said, directing their attention back towards the pony, which had finished its greeting, and was looking expectantly back at the three humans.
"Hello" May replied, panicking. The sounds of two hands and a hoof meeting their respective faces echoed through the silent streets.
"My name is Twilight Sparkle" the pony tried again. "What is your name?"
"Well" Clarkson began before Hammond and May simultaneously shushed him.
"My name is James May, and these are my friends Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson" James took the lead, grateful that he could at least begin to salvage the situation.
"And just what is your intention in Equestria?" Twilight's eyes narrowed slightly. As great as her intellectual drive was, her friends and their safety came first.
"We're filming a..." Jeremy began before being rudely interrupted yet again.
"What my friend is trying to say, is that we bring you items and knowledge to trade, so that we may further explore your world" James replied carefully. At the mention of knowledge exchange, Twilight's pupils dilated, and the three men took a step back as one of her eyes began to twitch.
"I must know EVERYTHING" she whispered.
"Well actually, I happen to have highly accurate and comprehensive documentation of most of humanity's greatest scientific, social and historical achievements" Clarkson said, homing in like a shark on its prey. Now she had only to take the bait.
"The princess has offered me the funding to acquire any available information on your species" Twilight replied, barely keeping herself together. "Name your price."
---
While the most irresponsible member of their party sold hundreds of years of scientific knowledge to an alien race for personal gain, Richard and May were busy setting up shop. Stacked up on their two fold-out tables were most of their wares, though some were stowed out of sight.
"I still can't believe I have to sell a porno mag and condoms to ponies." Richard fumed, sitting behind his meager offerings. "At best, I can sell the newest in writing implements and get an alien addicted to Tim Tams, but I'm hardly going to get across the country on the profits."
James shrugged as he watched the streets for potential customers. As the men had conversed with the pony who had introduced herself as Twilight, others had become more bold. Several had approached out of curiosity, but none had been brave enough to stop and talk.
"Humans, how quaint" came a voice from James' right. A brown stallion strode forwards, the hour glass on his side clearly visible "And what is it you're selling... oh my."
"Advanced human technology from..." James started, before being cut off.
"Solar cells, how delightful. I happen to be in need of some solar-grade silicon, and I'm afraid to say that I've simply had no luck here in Equestria. I will give you twenty-five bits for two cells."
Rather taken aback, James glanced to Richard, who shrugged.
"Alright then, I suppose it's a deal" he replied, and the brown stallion smiled.
"Excellent. At last, I can begin repairs on the perception filter. You have no idea how hard it is to hide a telephone box in this world." Tucking the cells into what appeared to be thin-air, the brown stallion departed, whistling merrily.
"Ookay" James said shakily. "One sale down, one hundred and thirty six to go."
"Excuse me mister" a high pitched voice attracted James' attention, and he felt a slight tugging on his jeans. Looking down, he met the eyes of a small orange pony, accompanied by her friends, who stood back a little.
Recognising the children for what they were, James knelt, a smile on his face.
"And just what can I do for you?" he said, carefully controlling his voice to sound as non-threatening as he could.
"Um, we were wondering" the filly gestured to her friends as she spoke "well, if you sold anything fun?"
Looking over at Richard, who had a thoughtful look on his face, James shrugged.
"Well, I'm afraid that..."
"I have just the thing" Richard interrupted hastily, drawing the young pony's attention.
"What is it mister?" the young pony asked eagerly.
"This" Richard said, pulling out one of the condoms, and ignoring James' shocked look. "Is a human balloon."
"Whoa" all three fillies gasped in unison.
"Why is it all wrapped up?" the orange one asked.
"Because" Richard checked the packet, blanching. "It's strawberry flavored, and otherwise the taste wouldn't be as nice."
"Wow!" one of the other two ponies, a yellow filly with a red bow exclaimed. "I love strawberry!"
"And this one..." Richard hurriedly checked the second packet. "Is chocolate"
"Awesome!" the young orange pony chimed in. "But there's three of us, do you have any other flavors?"
Richard was just about to shake his head when James chimed in.
"Erm... yes actually" May opened his wallet and pulled out another packet, dropping it on the table.
"Cool!" the orange filly exclaimed. "But why do you have a balloon in your wallet?"
"In case of balloon emergencies" James said, straight-faced.
"I'll take all three!" the young pony said, scrambling for her bits. "I'll give you 5 bits for them."
"Done" Hammond agreed, just wanting this train wreck of a sale to be over.
As the three young ponies rushed off giggling, Hammond turned to May.
"So what flavor was that?" he asked, smirking.
James glared at him before looking away sharply. "Blueberry" he finally answered, his lip twitching upwards.
"We are so going to hell for that" Richard sighed.
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...I'm laughing way more than I should at the end of this.
Two words Richard...
Anatomy textbook.
Why do I enjoy this so?
>>>James was just beginning to ponder how such a tree could possibly live without a viable nutrient and water transportation system..>>>
Alondro reads James' mind and pops into the story! "Ah! Allow me to clear this up! You see, only the cambium of a tree has living tissue! The interior wood is quite dead and primary serves as structural load-bearing support for the main body and branches of the tree. I'm sure you have seen examples on Earth of trees that were quite hollow and still alive? Yes, the same botanical concept applies. Now, so long as some horizontal cambium remains intact from top to bottom, the tree will survive. It need not be perfectly vertical as long as its wide enough for some vertical channels to remain intact until the living tissue can form new connections of xyllum and phloem. Looking at the library tree, I can clearly see that there's more than enough intact to keep the tree alive. What you never want is complete 360 girdling. A mere strip of bark 1 cm wide around the entire circumference will quite kill the tree, as the gap is too wide for the tree to bridge the gap before the top section runs out of water and dies. A razor blade-wide girdled cut may be survivable by many species of tree, depending on climate conditions and growing period, as the cells will quickly grow to repair the narrow slit." He takes a bow as the humans and ponies just stare at him with utterly bewildered expression, then zips away again with no further word.
No, Richard. Not hell. Tartarus.
And i would not put it past those assholes for a second.
My Internets, take them all. You deserve them, oh glorious bringer of the LOLs.
Heh, reading this while stoned was the greatest idea I've ever had.
Wow yeah they are going to hell.
I think I might enjoy this more if I were British Keep it up though, it's totally in-character!
Bah!
If that's hell-worthy then Hammond's going to have a lot of company when he gets there.
human balloon
such genuis.
The best part is that it's easy to imagine them doing this.
1828978
FINALLY SOMEONE WITH KNOWLEDGE OF BIOLOGY
Geez, I never understood why people seem so amazed by a hollow tree.
1828978
Fixed, because my high-school biology class was a long time ago
Next chapter out soon guys.
pfffffffffffff....
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
That was so, so wrong. "In case of balloon emergencies", indeed!
"Why does it have a cock on its face?" Jeremy asked. All three men were silent for a moment before bursting into laughter.
Faith in Humanity has been restored.
selling condoms to the CMC as human baloons?
Seems legit
Holy cock. This story is bloody BRILLIANT!
1830137 I'm a research biologist! I CAN NEVER ESCAPE!!! *is dragged back into the lab by the Shadows* SAVE YOURSELVES BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!
images.encyclopediadramatica.se/thumb/9/9e/HA_HA_HA,_OH_WOW.jpg/500px-HA_HA_HA,_OH_WOW.jpg
1831069 Get back in the lab. NOW.
1831328 *Alondro is already there, performing horrific experiments of unspeakable evil* Why... why are we being forced to make... JUSTIN BIEBER CLONES?!?!?
This story IS THE BEST TOP GEARS CROSSOVER I'VE EVER READ! keep up the good work ^^
There is no face for when one of the hosts of Top Gear sells a condom to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
There just isn't.
I am enjoying this story too much, if such level is possible to achieve.
Blue berry flavor....oh my god.
x'D
1831417
For target practice, of course. Wouldn't want us to miss when it's for real, would you?
1831417 WE ARE PLANNING AN INVASION AND WE WILL USE THE WORST WEAPON KNOWN IN THE UNIVERSE.
Damn it Richard. This is why you can't have nice things.
Next chapter won't be out for a couple of weeks guys. I was hoping to have it posted by today because I'm leaving on a trip, but couldn't quite meet the deadline while maintaining the quality I want to keep.
In the meantime though, a very merry Christmas to you Christians, and happy holidays to everyone else.
I died inside, i died of laughter, you monster.
Honestly, out of all the crossovers I've ever read, this one works so...well. Perhaps since we know they're all ready horrible at diplomatic relations, we're not expecting much to begin with.
"I'll take all 3! I'll give you five bits for them."
I can remember when I was like that.
Not knowing what a Human Balloon is.
This is quite possibly one of the stupidest things I've ever read yet I cant help but enjoy it so freaking much!!!!
This is absolutley brilliant I love this story!
Hoping this isn't abandoned, it's great.
... .... pf...pfff....PFFFFFFFF AAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHaaaaa
*GASP* AAAAAAAAAHHHH
you are evil! EVIIIIL!! where is NSFW tag? everypony in the office are looking at me
I hope the CMC don't find out the items' real purpose
So glad I am able to contain the laughter. That was so wrong, but so damn funny!
James May, selling flavored condoms to the cutie mark crusaders... oh dear gods, that is the most inane thing I can imagine and I can't stop laughing at it.
Did anyone realize who James May sold his solar cells to?? Here's a hint :
hey tim tams are amazing and i don't think any fics has EVER made me laugh this hard
"Why does it have a cock on its face?" Jeremy asked. All three men were silent for a moment before bursting into laughter.
^You know, I wondered how exactly Rainbow Dash pulled off that famous laugh of hers, and that line right there made me experience it.
Did...did James just sell...CONDOMS as BALLOONS...to the CMC!?
2849844 Doctor Who.
2854595 Yes. Yes he did. But to be fair, Hammond started it.
lol
Barter isn't the exchange of goods for currency.