After a loud noise upstairs, i decide to investigate, little do i know this will change everything. there is an alicorn in my house, a princess is dead, and i am the only one that can save her. This is the tale of Psyche Royale and Ryan, and how they saved the night.
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First!
And nize story!
Needs some work, Vitamin. Mostly, you need to press the return key more often to break up those walls of text. Also, there are some capitalization errors.
Other than that, it's entertaining. I won't upvote or downvote.
Oh God, Dead Princess?
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
Don't use "Little do I know" or "Little does he know" or any kind of "Little does x knows..."
It ruins any possible surprise for the reader and just makes the first part of any story terribly boring.
I am rather new to this site, and fan fiction in general, so please take what I say with a grain of salt.
As Patient X said, you have a few good walls of text that need to be addressed. Indentations should also be made in each new paragraph. Remember, when it comes to conversations, a new speaker should always be signified with a new paragraph. Your use of punctuation in certain scenarios is also a bit... Excessive.
As for the story itself... To be honest, it reads rather generically. Alicorns, along with the colours red and black, seem to carry a stigma on this site. Also, while going back in time to save someone has the potential to be good if handled properly, here it just feels like a phoned in, contrived way to get a human in equestria.
Please continue to write and get better at your craft. As I said, I am by no means a distinguished author, and you never stop learning.
1628986
Hey, that wasn't bad advice. Don't say anything self-deprecating; you at least have the decency to make a substantial comment.
Though, I too wish to address some things. Punctuation, when used correctly, is good, so it is probably better than lack thereof. Also, while instantly using r&b Alicorns is usually bad, there have been very many good Alicorn stories--just take a squiz at the Featured box every once in a while. However, the author clearly needs to improve. And stop mangling causality. Science has feelings, too...
IX, founder of SCI, your
friendlyscientific literacy advocate conglomeration of artisans of the written wordPostscript: Now to wash my eyes out with fluoroantimonic.
1628986 You should check out The Train Wreck Explorers We review and critique stories that need help. You seem like the kind of person that we're looking for. Pop on in and give the mods a nice hello, they'll point you in the right direction.
1629340 I appreciate your praise, my friend. Still, I've got some way to go yet.
You are correct when you say that too much punctuation is better than none, as it shows at least a willingness to utilize it. I didn't mean to make it sound like the author was wrong in the attempt. I'd quote a segment of the story to show the author where he can improve his usage, but I still haven't figured out how half the damnable features on this site work. I equal slow.
I agree that there are good alicorn stories to be found, but it's the clever writing, the quality characterization, and the breaking of readers' preconceptions that allow those stories to shine.
Vitamin..... A charcter, especially an OC, should be more than a vehicle to drive the plot onward. Breathe life into them as best you can. Mastery can only come from practice.
As for causality, IX, why worry about simple things, such as consequence, when you can have SPACE MUFFINS! Also, when in doubt, blame the drow.
Edit: stupid ass kindle, inserting words where they don't belong.
1629540 I've seen some of TWE's work, both review and story-wise. You all are quite good! That said, I doubt I'd be able to do what TWE does. Me telling someone how to write would be the pot calling the kettle black.