Queen Chrysalis had seen first hand the power of the Elements of Harmony, so it was only natural that she attempted to create her own. However she failed to grasp what it actually took to be one with Harmony, no matter. She took her six daughters and cherished them, not as a feat of her power, but as an actual family she didn't know she could have. The six acted like the other Changelings, feasting upon love, devouring the emotions to fill themselves. They all have a part of the Original six with in them. Queen Chrysalis didn't think that would be a problem, that is.. until Changeling Fluttershy found Ponyville. She has been gone for nearly a month now, and her sisters are worried. So they nominate Changeling Dash to go forth and locate their lost sister. When Dash finds her will all be set right in the family, or will everything she knows crash down around her as Fluttershy seemingly abandons her family in pursuit of her new found friendship?
For some reason I'm attached to the picture...
gyazo.com/58826ae1b3f3b092a8fdfcb91f4e8749.png?1353012443
1625017
It's what inspired me to make the character, and this story.
This seems like an interesting concept, but that tragedy tag.....tragedy tags on Changeling-centric fics make me wary. I don't want spoilers or anything, but how tragic is this tragedy tag going to be? Are we talking a "bad shit happens, but it all pretty much works out in the end" kind of tragedy tag, or is this gonna get a "School Days" ending?
1625135
Tragedy tag of you will see bad stuff happen. Maybe even darker if one is not careful.
1625135 Wanderer D keeps saying that by definition a tragedy doesn't "work out in the end". If it did, then it wouldn't be a tragedy. Of course, no one listens to Wanderer D. He's just a very intelligent and knowledgeable man and one of the nicest moderators of this site. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
1625159 The definition of tragedy doesn't change the fact that it, along with the dark tag, is a very commonly misused tag. I'm well aware of the kind of stories that are supposed to get tragedy tags, and I usually avoid them. There have been a very very few tragic stories, published or otherwise, that I was able to enjoy. They're just not my thing.
But since it gets misplaced so often, if the concept of the story is interesting enough, I like to make sure whether or not it's a true tragedy or just a story that's really sad along the way. I always hate missing out on a good story because of an erroneous tag.
Well you see, the tags to me do not necessarily pertain to the ending. It could mean that along your journey to the conclusion you meet up with a tragic even. The Dark tag is for moments that will appear the darkest, either for the hero, or one of the other character you meet along the way. In all reality I kinda use those tags to give you a heads up on what to expect and what to anticipate. Now I will admit it here and now.. that by the time I end the story, I will probably remove some of the tags that no longer apply to the story. In advance I would like to apologize in case I mislead any of you.
1625299 Right. That's the big problem with the tags system. Here they are supposed to refer to the story as a whole, the intent of the author, or how it ends (and yes that would be a spoiler). Most people on the net are used to using tags like on YouTube, where if Nicolas Cage appears for 1 second, you tag it. The "tags" here are really supposed to be categories. That's what I've been told anyway. I've heard that a whole new system is planned for the future, but I don't know if it's actually in the works yet.
Helpful blog post: How to use Story Categories
Linked in case you missed it. There's been plenty of discussion on the topic since that blog post, but it's still worth reading.
1628377
Thanks, I will go read it once I finish up the 3rd chapter.
only complaint i have is you're rushing the chapter and leaving information out I was almost completely confused plus where were twi and pinkie pie in all of that garbage?
Critique time! There were three fairly big errors I could see in this chapter and the first one:
1) There were a lot of grammatical errors. Proofreading is a good thing.
2) Put more detail into the environment. That chase scene between the two Dashes was pretty good, but it would have been much better with more detail about the path they were taking through and around the town as well as where they were in relation to each other. There were several times where you would mention some large, obvious aspect of the environment that just kind of came out of nowhere. Like that cloud Changeling Dash was standing on right before she transformed. Until it was pointed out in RD's internal monologue it was never mentioned anywhere and it's sudden appearance was rather jarring.
3) the last thing I noticed was that RD seemed to be really, really out of character. The fact that she didn't like or trust Flutterbug and her reaction to her copy were perfectly fine and fit nicely with what we see of her character in the show. But some of her internal thoughts and everything that happened after the Sonic Rainboom was completely off. RD in not anywhere near that vicious. She might hurt things by accident because she doesn't fully think through the consequences of her actions, but I have a very hard time believing that she would ever intentionally set out to beat a defenseless creature to death, even one that she doesn't like.
Oh, one last thing. You might want to put in some kind of time reference so the readers know roughly how long after the events of the Royal Wedding this story takes place. Nit picking aside, you have an interesting concept here and I look forward to seeing what you do with it.
1633100>>1634292
I just want to apologize right now, that I was half asleep when I made this chapter's ending. I plan to make revisions and add more details. As for the RD, she is based upon the character played by a friend of mine on a chat site. I wont be changing her attitude anytime soon especially since it is all going to be shifted later. As for detail I was beating my head off the wall once I hit publish and re-read what I put out there. I guess I was far more tired than I thought. However if you can forgive my mistakes and gaps I will improve.
1634292
Actually RD is very vicious. Remember, she wanted to attack Nightmare Moon for just showing up and looking mean. If it wasn't for AJ holding her back, well you get the point. As well for when the Shadowbolts just mentioned her name. Her first reaction was to virtually challenge them to a fight "I ain't scared of you, show yourself!" To her the changelings are evil and this is in her mind, and since the fic is moving into a more mature like setting (I.E. moving out of what would be in a kid show). it does seem reasonable that she would want to kill a threat such as a changeling.
I think the conflict here is the fact that RD is moving out of what would be permitted in the show, and going to a bit of an extreme, but it is entirely not out of the realm of possibility. Even more so when she believes her friends' lives are at risk.
1634658 I suppose you could justify it by saying the story, overall, has a darker tone and therefore the personalities of the various characters can take on darker elements, but aside from that nothing in your post justifies RD's reaction to Changeling Dash. Yes, she wanted to fight Nightmare Moon, and yes, she tried to challenge the Shadowbolts, and she did the exact same thing to her copy. She treated her as an enemy, a challenge, and attempted to fight her. That's perfectly fine, and having her take it to the point of leaving the changeling with potentially crippling injuries would fit with having the characters pick up darker personality traits.
But attempting to beat her copy to death while it's helpless? Since this is based off an RP scenario, I'll put this in D&D terms: If I were the DM of a campaign where a character tried to do that, their alignment would take a very definite shift towards evil. There's absolutely no way a "good" character would ever be able to justify beating someone to death while they're completely helpless and their only crime is "making me look bad". Beating them into unconsciousness and capturing them? Sure. Injuring them so they can't escape? For someone like Dash, believable. She still sees the changelings as a threat so attacking her copy on sight isn't the issue, it's that even after rendering her copy helpless, making it incapable of threatening anyone, she STILL tries to kill it. Particularly given that she knows it's the sister of someone that is a fellow citizen of Ponyville and is living with two of her closest friends. That is a decidedly evil act. Granted, there could be some background information that I, as the reader, don't have yet that will make her actions there understandable, but given what has been told in the story so far I fail to see any justification for it.
1634439 It's all good. It's your first story so you've got plenty of room to improve in, and I wouldn't have bothered leaving a critique if I didn't think you could do it. As long as you're always looking for ways to improve, no matter how good you get in the future, then you're on the right track.
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I assure you all will be explained with the RD thing. All I can do is ask you to trust the author and the one helping her. I assure you there is a very VERY good reason she is behaving this way. Also thank you for the support, I feel I am going to need all the help I can get. Soon I will be making stories that are featured, that is a ways off however.
1634658
That and, you know, apparently abducting Celestia. "What'd you do with our Princess?" and all that.
She's always been ready for a fight, sure, but she's never been vicious about it. There's a difference between fighting someone, and beating an already-helpless person to death. It's possible that there is a reason to explain the change in behavior, but... well, it'd have to be a pretty good reason.
I'm still interested in seeing where the story goes, but Dash's behavior does give me some concern.
1725088
Actually that just kind of shows how brash she really is. She assumed Nightmare Moon had done something to the Princess without even a second of thought. Here would pretty much be the same. She is assuming the Changelings are up to something, and given the wedding she has very much more of a reason to do so. Which this need to protect her friends is driving her to be a bit more over the top. Think of it like this if someone was threatening your friend would you just sit by or try to eliminate the problem? Then put that in RD's perspective and given how brash, fierce, aggressive, and loyal she is I think it is safe to say she would want to beat them up.
EDIT: I'm not saying RD's behavior is out of her norm. I am saying I feel like it is pretty justified given the situation. As in it isn't a far leap of character to have her be pushed to this degree. Kind of like how she was shaking in fear before she went on in the Best Young Flyers Contest. Normally She is super confident and has this take on the world attitude, when doing stunts, but when conflicted with something outside she went in a complete reverse. Do remember all it took there was the thought of failure. Apply that here and it would be the thought of losing her friends, at least that is the way I see it. I know just about nothing I can say will sway opinions of those that agree with you and of course yourself, this is just how I have taken the change and feel like it might be something to keep in mind.
*Minor Spoiler Below*
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And from what I just read I think the reason kind of became clear for her over aggressive side. Not to mention RD never actually does deliver the 'final blow' even though she has the time to do it. I feel like she is not able to bring herself to it. Then again that is just what I see. I could be very wrong.
1746203
Being brash, aggressive, even leaping to (obvious) conclusions and starting a fight with someone who appears (for good reason) to be a major threat, doesn't equate to vicious. We've seen her pick plenty of fights, but I can't think of a single time she's tried to seriously hurt someone who's already been taken down. The thought that she could be a threat to Rainbow's friends is hardly unusual; they've faced far more immediate and clear threats many, many times in the past, and it's never provoked a response even close to this. Fight them until they can't fight back, sure, but considering their behavior in the show, even if the target had been a legitimate threat, beating an already-downed opponent would almost certainly be seen as abhorrent by her friends and ponies in general.
This isn't comparable to charging in to fight Nightmare Moon because she looks (for good reason) to have abducted Celestia. This is comparable to flying at Luna after the elements purged her, and beating the crap out of her while she's still barely conscious.
1746609
I said I know it is out of the norm, and I said why I felt like it was justified as such. Like every hero, RD would have a tipping point and this was it. At least in the story and apparently the RP this was the breaking point. Whenever a hero hits this ledge is when the most drama/action/plot twisting stuff occurs. I find that part to be interesting, and the fact we are seeing her in this different kind of setting is far more intriguing at least to me. I would have a problem with it if it was TOO far out of RD's character (Ex. RD gives up her daredevil license. Unless the story called for it...somehow.), but like I said before it is the stuff I mentioned that I don't see this to be that big of a push to make her land in this zone that almost every hero ends up dealing with. When I read a story like this I try to pull the characters out of the 'Kid Show' element and once you eliminate that it is easy to give the characters flaws. I know MLP:FiM does a pretty good job on that as far as 'kid shows' are concerned, but of course they tone it down because of the targeted audience.
All I am saying is this. I am reading the story in this different kind of view, and when I see people not liking the actions of a character based on them being 'non-canon' it might be best to step back and just look at from outside the show's general perceptiveness.
1747867
I could see it in a "darker and grittier" kind of setting, but everything else in the story seems to stick close to the style of the show, which makes it feel like it clashes. It gives the impression that it's keeping the entire style of the show, except for this one change. It's somewhat jarring when it appears to be the same characters that we're familiar with (And I would point out, they have plenty of flaws already), but then one of them shows some major difference, with little to no explanation. I think the example of a change you would find too far (Giving up the daredevil license) is rather less of a change than making Dash suddenly willing to outright murder a defenseless sapient being. I didn't get the "breaking point" feel because there was no significant lead-up, or anything to emphasize any emotional conflict, either before or after. She seems more upset about the one changeling imitating her and waking her up than she did for them being a "threat." Remember, despite Flutterbug being in town for a while, it wasn't until her changeling duplicate buzzed her that she went off and tried to kill her.
If it's supposed to be a breaking-point kind of deal, it could really use a lot more insight into the process, both before and after.
But like I said, I'm willing to wait and see. For the most part, I'm liking the story. It's just the one aspect that seems out of place.
And there is no comments
Great chapter gonna read more
HEY SHE"S RIGHT BEIHIND YOU!!!!
1634825 techncally for the crimes thing Changelings are considered dangerous, because they litterally suck the love out of you until you're dead. that's why most intelligent ponies would attempt to get rid of them plus, this is rainbowdash, she doesn't really think things through all the way sometimes.
I've been wondering how long until it will be that you update. I do like it so far. and before someone asks, i'm pretty much going to all of the unfinished changelign stories to ask how they're going. i'm getting to antzy!
I would Like to apologize to everyone, I was having computer issues and now that those are resolved.. I AM BACK TO WRITING. I will do my best to keep improving this story and making it better for all of you!
Well, this is a new record. I find a new story, and there's something I need to point out in the very first chapter.
You cannot have more than one character speaking in the same paragraph. If someone else needs to speak, a new one must be made, no matter what. There are also numerous grammar and punctuation errors, such as your misconceptions about how dialogue is supposed to be formatted.
Read FiMFiction's writing guide and/or find an editor.
EDIT: Since I see it actually gets worse as the story goes on, I think I'll offer to fix it myself for you.