Cancelled

MLP: FiM

Source

I've decided to cancel this because it's going downhill.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 4 )

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Potato Pride

Potato Pride #1 · Nov 18th, 2012 · · · Tough Love ·

No offense, but you are being WAY to descriptive, pretty much everypony is over reacting, your idea of magic is horrible and you might want to express a larger vocabulary is places such as 'a fire red mane (which looked like fire)' would be better as something like 'a bright red mane that resembled fire' I'm being overly pedantic but I REALLY like the concept of this story and overall this could be MUCH better. Also instead of explaining what the teacher said, you could just say that she explained the process. Hope this helped!

Cranberry Muffin

Cranberry Muffin #2 · Nov 18th, 2012 · · · Tough Love ·

There Sombra law, curled up in bedsheets in his house, or should I say, his parents house.

Man, just from that first sentence, you've got trouble.

I'm assuming that's supposed to say "lay," not "law." There are other spelling and grammar errors that pepper the writing ("shined" instead of "shone"; "learned" instead of "learning") and some of the dialogue seems a bit...stilted, but other than that, you're not doing so bad.

And the "or should I say" was really off-putting to me -- It seemed out of place.

I'm glad you're describing characters, but comparing them to other characters instead of fleshing out a good description seems almost lazy. Aren't there other ways for his mane to look ragged, without it resembling RD's? Can't his mother be beautiful, without looking like Fluttershy?

I think the thing that bothers me most, though, is his teacher. If he's been attending school for some time, wouldn't she know that he struggles with magic? Why would she just assume that his exploding the frog was on purpose, if it's already established that his magic fails?

I think it's a fun idea to play with the concept of unicorns whose magic doesn't quite work; I'm in the process of writing something with an ever-so-slightly similar concept myself. I think if you reworked this and put a lot more thought and description in to the prose, it could be something interesting and unique.

Also, you seriously need to get rid of that second chapter until it's complete.

badassgrunt