No More Tears

by Nexuskld

Hope

Water... After what seemed like an eternity of walking through the dark tunnel, Dewdrop could hear the distinct sound of running water. Unable to contain her excitement, Dewdrop ran towards the sound. She eventually found the source after about five minutes.

Curious as to where the water was coming from, she reached out with her hoof and felt along the wall to her left. Finding nothing, she tried the wall on the right. Still finding nothing, she carefully reached forward, until she was barely able to keep her balance. She finally felt a wall with a moderate rush of water running down it.

Suddenly, Dewdrop started panicking. "Oh no! What if there's no exit?" When she searched the wall with her hoof, she found a ladder. She calmed down, and thought to herself, If I'm trapped in here, then where is the water going?

Dewdrop searched the ground for any holes or cracks, more curious than worried. Feeling satisfied that she had found a rather sizable lack of cement between the left wall and the ground, she turned her attention towards the ladder. Grabbing hold of the first wet rung, she let out a short squeak of joy at the soft light shining down through the storm drain cover above her head.

Melody walked down Mane street, the light rain slowly getting stronger and soaking her to the bone. She took a right down an alleyway between two apartments, resting under one of the buildings overhangs.

"That stupid jerk can kiss my flank," she said as she lay down. "He wouldn't even take the bucking book! ‘No earth pony lives here’ my flank!" she mumbled. "Ugggggh, I hate those pompous flank butlers that always think they are better than me!"

"Well," she sighed, "I guess I'm stuck with this stupid book now." She lay there for a while listening to the sound of the rain as the storms intensity slowly grew.

As she rested on the cold stone, she couldn't help but hear some noises coming from a nearby storm drain. She dismissed it as some rats down below and tried to put her mind elsewhere, but, for some reason, her thoughts kept floating back to the sounds. Now that she was paying attention, she thought they sounded more like somepony crying.

Curious, Melody stepped out from under the overhang and into the freezing rain. "Hey!", she yelled into the storm drain, "Anypony down there?"

In response, she heard a very upset pony yell back, "Yes! Please, I'm trapped! The cover is too heavy, I can't lift it!"

"Hold on a second!"Melody responded. With her adrenaline pumping, Melody focused all of her attention on the grate in the ground, as a brilliant blue aura enveloped it and her horn. *Grabbing the grate with her hooves as well,* she started to lift with all her strength. The cobblestone around the grate made a loud "crack" as the grate was torn out of the ground.

Melody backed up quickly until she hit the wall behind, her staring at her hooves with a horrified look on her face. "No no no no NO!" She said to herself. "Why did I do that? I know I shouldn't use my magic... Buck, this is bad. This is soo bad!"

She turned to run off, but was immediately pulled into a hug by a light blue earth pony. "Ooh thank-you thank-you thank-you!" cried the filly.

"Get off of me!" yelled Melody, pushing off the *offender.* "Just stay away from me, OK?" she yelled as she ran out into the wet, empty streets of Canterlot.

“Wait!" Dewdrop yelled after her savior. "I just want to talk to you!" Her efforts were futile as the dirty grey unicorn ran off into the streets of Canterlot. Suddenly sad, Dewdrop mumbled to herself, "Mother was right; nopony likes an earth pony."

Having nowhere else to go, Dewdrop walked dejectedly down the street, fearing what awaited her at home when her mother found out that she had unintentionally left the house. Nearing the end of the alleyway, something glossy caught her eye.

"What's this?" she asked herself, picking up a book from the ground under an overhang. "How did she get my book?”

She looked down the street where her rescuer had fled. For the first time in years, Dewdrop felt something change in her heart; she felt hope. Determined to hold onto that feeling, she made herself a promise: she was going to find that unicorn and, when she did, she was going to make a friend.

Author's Note:

Hey everypony,

I told you I would release this before Christmas! Now before anybody goes ranting about this chapter I am going to inform you that if you believe some part should be changed slightly to make the story more clear or for pretty much any other reason i will be willing to change or clarify it for you if you send me a polite message with you're complaint.
Secondly am letting you know that there will be a "Memories" chapter for Melody before the next full chapter.
Lastly I would like to apologize for the short length. I have been working on this for a while and could only come up with this much without Delving into an extremely complex plot twist (which will be in the next full chapter). Well that's it for now I cant wait to hear some feedback!

Comments

[Nexuskld]

Comments please? it Would REALLY help if i knew what everybody thought about the story so i could make it better

[Hingard]

This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors

Name: No more tears

Grammar: 4/10

Pros: The concept behind this is intriguing,
I like your OC's

Cons: Grammar(big time)
was hard to read at times due to spacing issues

Notes: This is interesting, I like the concept behind it, but I'm sure you know your grammar needs work, you also should separate your paragraphs more so that it doesn't look like a block of text. Now I have an offer for you, I'm no editor but I can try and fix some of the errors in your story and help to break it up more so that it looks nice. just send me a link to either a gdoc or you can email me the files (you can find my email address on my page).

Hope you liked your review don't forget to check out my story Guardian of the Hearthfire.

Signed
Hingard

[NeoNagasaki]

Okay. You shouldn't have multiple speakers in the same paragraph. You need to capitalize the word "I" and you have work to do on capitalization. Shifting viewpoints often seems confusing and unnecessary for me, between paragraphs is a little ridiculous. It would make more sense for you to learn to write in third person omniscient or to stick to one person's viewpoint for as long as you can, preferably with chapter breaks.

My "Find all the errors Nexus made!" playing card for this chapter.

Rested is an adjective, not a verb.
The beginning of quotations need to be capitalized.
Wrote "suck out" instead of "stuck out"
Put a question mark and a period on the wrong side of a quotation mark.
Didn't put a beginning quotation mark for the sentence "That stupid jerk can kiss my flank."
The word "I" needs capitalization.
You didn't capitalize the beginning of at least one of your sentences.
Double spaced between "squeak" and "of"
You capitalized the word "trapped" for no reason.
You didn't capitalize a character's name at one point
(Not sure if this counts because it's in the author's notes, but you wrote "you're" instead of "your.")

Well, that's all for me. Good day sir. *Raises glass of fake whiskey*

~NeoNagasaki~

[Nexuskld]

1909175
Thanks I really appreciate that. I'll get to work on fixing those mistakes right away!

[FrontSevens]

Hi! I saw you needed a review from Authors Helping Authors, so here you go!

Name of Story: No More Tears

Grammar score out of 10: 4

Pros:
You have an interesting story :)
The OC's backgrounds are relateable, and believable
The story is moving at a good pace

Cons:
Grammar
Formatting (the paragraphs are a bit too long)
A bit of awkward storytelling

Notes: I'm about to get critical, so please don't take this the wrong way!
As you are probably already aware, grammar is an issue here, and that's a turnoff for some readers, because it can get distracting. I see you're looking for an editor, and so I can edit for you, if you like. I specialize in grammar and such, and would be happy to help. Send me a pm if you're interested. :)
Formatting: you probably know this too, but the paragraphs are a bit too long. Even in the third chapter, where you fixed this a bit, I think you could split them up even further. Each paragraph should center around an idea, an action, a thought. When your paragraphs get too long, you might lose the reader.
About the awkward storytelling: for example, when Dewdrop discovers the passage, she immediately relates it to the griffin war, and that seemed a little... sudden. This happens in other places, too, where you want to tell us about something and tell us in a slightly awkward manner. In my opinion, you should think about ways to show some things, rather than just tell them. Maybe she read about the passages built during the griffin war in a book at school, or something. This is just an example, though; you don't have to change it if you don't want to.

And that's my review. If you don't have time to review mine, don't bother, but here is a short story by me: Keeping Out the Cold