Slenderpony

by Xie MONK3YZ ieX

credits

ok you sould know this is not part of the
story so this is just if your curious on how i made this and how to see more of me.

Youtube: TheGodsCastMC
Xbox live: Xie MONK3YZ iex
Tumblr: TwatlightSparkle

anyway goodbye for now

Comments

[Sorren]

One, this story isn't even a thousand words and it should have never passed moderation.

Two, this story is terrible. It's a big mash pit of bad grammar and spelling errors prevalent enough to kill a college English teacher.

I certainly hope this is a trollfic, because if it isn't...

I would really hope that the, do-not-post-this-story-because-it-sucks-and-I-know-it-and-people-are-going-to-hate-it effect would fall into effect, but in your case it hasn't. At this point I can not even offer you help. You kind of need to go read up on how to make those 26 letters in the alphabet work correctly.

P.S. Your cover image, it's a man!

[PonyholicsAnonymous]

img198.imageshack.us/img198/1049/thisthreadagain.jpg

[Regidar]

MAH GAWD

ITS SO BOOTIFUL

I cried tears of gold. PURE GOLD, mind you, not that fake shit Nunchucks tried to sell me the other day.

You, my good author, are truly an example of awesomeness. Don't listen to 1603290 because he's just jelly that everyone hates his fics and he's never been featured, ever.

Oh wait, that's not right. I'm sorry, I must have suffered brain damage from the absolute shitiness of this fic. Now here's a video to sum up my reaction to this.

[Xie MONK3YZ ieX]

dont forget i do mention im only young and i have terrible grammar. and it is my first fanfic that has been puplished. so ill be tring to get better.

your really bad author- Xie Monk3yz ieX

[HyperRandomness]

Four chapters, overused and usually-badly-written fic idea, barely a thousand words, first comment is composed of hate, dislike bar is higher than like bar.

Let me get my hat.

*puts on hat that says: "Official TWE Nitpicker"*

Alright, time to read.

...

denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw746_Twitableflip.png

I'm not sure I can even give this a proper review...
so I'm just going to show you what you did wrong.

Color code!
Red - Spelling error.
Blue - Grammatical/punctuation error.
Green - Revision suggestion.
Purple - Replacement suggestion.
Orange - Reviewer's notes.

denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3406-13282074473265.gif

SlenderPony
Chapter 1: encounter...
(missed capitalization)One day... let's (insert apostrophe) just say night... Carrot (Capitalize both parts of a name) Top was finishing watering her plants in her back garden, (continue the sentence) (remove capitalization) when she heard a noise coming from the (Capitalize names of places) Everfree forest. (Okay, wait, what? She's in her back garden, then suddenly hears a noise from the Everfree? How close to the Everfree is she? Be sure to explain key things such as that.) The noise wasn't natural; (remove comma and replace with Apostrophe) it sounded more like another pony... (continuation of sentence) (remove capitalization) but it wasnt Zecora(remove extra space); she's at her home in Ponyville for the night. (WHOA WHOA WHOA, stop the presses! Zecora (tense change) was at her home in Ponyville? Do you even watch the show? Zecora lives in the Everfree, not in Ponyville. Also, how does Carrot Top know where Zecora is, anyhow? Does she have telepathy? You need to explain how she knows these unusual things.) Carrot top thought to herself, (You usually need to put commas before dialogue or thoughts) '[color](Capitalize the start of a sentence) I'll just have to investigate!'

Suggested paragraph break

So she set off towards the Everfree forest... ("Well, better head out for the Everfree where I heard something that isn't Zecora but could likely be some kind of murderer or crazed creature without preparation or further thought!" That's what I draw from this. Why did she set out in the first place? Does she even have a reason?) Lyra and (Capitalize names) Bon-Bon (Bon-Bon is not one whole word) tried to stop her from entering. (end the sentence) "(Capitalize the start of a sentence) Don't (insert apostrophe) do it! (Capitalize the start of a sentence)You don't (insert apostrophe) know what is in there!" Bon-Bon (name fix again) said, (insert comma) encoraging her to stay, but her mind was set. Lyra made no effort to stop her and stayed quiet like her normal self, (continue the sentence) knowing her mind was set there was no stopping her.

Suggested paragraph break.

(Capitalize the start of a sentence) As she entered the (Capitalize names of places) Everfree forest, (insert comma) it all seemed quiet. (Wait, what?! She's suddenly in the Everfree with no further motion from her friends or other ponies? Not even a transitional walking period that builds up tension by describing how creepy the forest looks? You really ought to include a few details here about what she's feeling, seeing and the like for other ponies around her.) (Capitalize the start of a sentence) It made it (Read these things out loud and see if they make sense. 'more scarier' does not make sense. Replaced 'more' with 'even.') even scarier than ever. (end the sentence) (Capitalize the start of a sentence) As she walked ('farer' is not a word.) further, (insert comma) there (unfinished word. turned 'the' into 'there.') was a note stuck on one of the trees. (Capitalize the start of a sentence) It was hard to read, (insert comma) but it made out:/, (insert colon OR comma) 'TURN BACK NOW. (end the sentence)' She didn't understand. Thoughts ran through her mind[color]; (insert semicolon) 'Turn back now? (add space) But from what? (Capitalize the start of a sentence) What could be there?' (Capitalize the start of a sentence)She ignored it. (end the sentence)

Suggested paragraph break

Up (insert space) ahead was a house of some sort. (Jeez, would you slow down? One second she's walking, another second she sees the note and completely ignores it with no regard for fear or intimidation, and now she's at a house. You could REALLY use some filler here describing her surroundings, feelings and thought in more detail.) It was (Again, read things aloud to see if they make sense.) nothing like (Capitalize names) Zecora's; (replace with semicolon) more like a bathroom or something. (end the sentence) (Capitalize the start of a sentence) Not knowing what it (tense change, then add comma) was, she entered. "(Capitalize the start of a sentence) Another piece of paper?," she asked to herself. (I'd be asking that too, since the reader has no idea what's inside the house, regardless of those who have played the game. How did she find the paper? Is it dark? Does she have night-vision goggles? What does the paper say? Is she scared? These key details, along with others, could sure use addition into your story.) "Why here?!" but she kept it. ("but she kept it." Was there some reason for her to not keep it? Rather, why did she keep it in the first place?) (Capitalize the start of a sentence) Suddenly she heard a loud static sound... she ran out of the bathroom and exited with a left. Suddenly, (insert comma) another pony with no face and a suit was staring at her... That's it? Just a pony with no face and a suit? No description of what's around him or the scenery in any way, no description of Carrot Top being frightened, no description of shocked reactions, nothing. Seriously? You need to describe things. You really do.) she felt like she was dying ('dieing' is not a word.) but with a stroke of (are you serious? Honestly, please read these things aloud to be sure they make sense. If they don't, then revise it.) luck she ran through the forest not looking back. (Never, and I do mean NEVER, do a three-parter sentence. This only works in ONE situation, so don't do it here.)Death was upon her. (Capitalize the start of a sentence) The sunrise, (insert comma) which Celestia brought up was blinding. causing the thing to dissapear. (How does she know this? Why does sunrise come so early? How did she manage to escape? YOU NEED DESCRIPTIVE DETAILS HERE!) (Capitalize the start of a sentence) She ran to (Capitalize the names of places) Ponyville passing other ponies. she slowed down, dreading to look behind her.

Oh my. That... hurt to read. I'm sorry, but I have absolutely nothing positive to say about this story.

The idea is overused, it's poorly written and you need an editor, it is beyond rushed, and you ought to take your time to describe what characters are seeing or feeling.

2/10, would not read again.

/HyperRandomness, Official TWE Nitpicker and general slayer of hopes and dreams.