Long ago, in the city of Sodom, there lived a unicorn named Lyra. She walked amongst humans, which wasn't particularly unique, as it was commonplace in those days for people to see unicorns. As was the case with most members of her species, Lyra possessed a wild and independent nature. It was rare to see a domesticated unicorn, and Lyra was no exception. She enjoyed her freedom, even if it made her life more challenging.
The region round about Sodom was suffering from the worst drought it had seen in decades. Due to a lack of rain, many local plants were drying up, which meant Lyra often went to bed hungry. Without an owner to care for her, Lyra had to fend for herself if she wanted to eat. Fortunately for her, Lyra's marefriend was more than willing to share her food.
Bon Bon was a domesticated earth pony who pulled a wagon for her owner, an olive oil merchant. In Sodom, as well as the neighboring city of Gomorrah, olive oil was a serious commodity. As a result of the drought, any sort of lubricant was big business, and business was certainly booming for Bon Bon and her owner. It was dinnertime as Lyra trotted through the grove of olive trees towards Bon Bon's holding pen. Lyra hid behind a tree and watched as a human set some hay out for Bon Bon.
"Eat up, pony," the man said, "Tonight's your big night."
He then tussled Bon Bon's mane affectionately before going back inside to prepare his merchandise for tonight. Over the years, Bon Bon’s owner had become quite a skilled packer. When she was sure that they were alone, Bon Bon motioned for her marefriend to come closer. As Lyra cautiously approached the fence, Bon Bon brought her dinner over for the two of them to share.
"Thanks," Lyra said as Bon Bon pushed some hay under the fence, "I'm starving."
Bon Bon made sure to give the larger portion of the food to her marefriend, as she knew how scarce food was for wild unicorns. Lyra hated feeling like a mooch, so she always tried to bring a little treat for Bon Bon whenever she visited.
"I have something for you," Lyra said, "I know eating hay every day must get dull."
Lyra used her unicorn magic to levitate what looked like a large, almond-shaped, brown raisin into Bon Bon's pen. Bon Bon curiously sniffed at it before taking a bite.
"Mmmm," Bon Bon said, happily, "It's so sweet. What is this?"
"A date," Lyra said, "A Sukkari date, to be more specific. It's the sweetest kind there is; Sweets for the sweet."
It was a cheesy line, but it made Bon Bon smile just the same. Lyra levitated a second date and popped it into her mouth. For a moment, neither pony spoke. They just chewed quietly and enjoyed one another's company.
"Well, I like these dates," Bon Bon said, smiling, "We should have dates together more often."
Once she had finished her treat, Bon Bon lowered her head to take a bite of hay. Lyra had yet to touch her dinner. She was too nervous to eat. Lyra was having difficulty gaining the confidence to propose her idea to Bon Bon. After a lengthy pause, she just blurted it out.
"Run away with me, Bon Bon," Lyra said, "Leave your wagon behind you and live a free life together with me." Bon Bon lifted her head quickly and stared at her marefriend. Lyra had hinted at running off together before, but this was the first time she had been so bold as to speak plainly about it.
"You know I can't," Bon Bon said, looking away embarrassed, "I could never abandon my owner. He raised me from a foal. He’s like a father to me."
"But he doesn't love you like I do," Lyra said, "You're just a beast of burden to him. If you left, he'd replace you without a second thought. Nopony could ever replace you in my heart."
The two ponies were silent as Bon Bon considered her options. She looked back at her soft straw bed and warm blanket. Bon Bon loved her marefriend, but she’d also grown accustomed to the life of a domesticated Earth pony. After a moment of quiet contemplation, she turned back to stare at Lyra, who looked passionate and determined.
"I love you, Bon Bon," Lyra said, "I can take care of you."
"I love you too, Lyra," Bon Bon said, wincing, "but you can barely take care of yourself." This unabashed statement of truth cut Lyra to the quick. She blushed with embarrassment and fell momentarily silent.
"We're barely surviving on my owners' hay as it is," Bon Bon said, "If I were a wild pony like you, I don't know how we'd find enough food to eat.” Lyra stared at Bon Bon without saying a word.
“You could always see if my owner would take you in,” Bon Bon said, “We could pull his cart together." The thought of trading her freedom for a harness was not something Lyra was willing to consider. Never one to shrink or admit defeat, Lyra was ready with a heartfelt, if somewhat vague, rejoinder.
"I'm working on a plan," Lyra said, "I... I'll figure out a way for both of us to be free. Isn't that what you want?" Bon Bon stared at Lyra pitiably before looking away and closing her eyes.
Feeling rejected, Lyra pressed her forehead against the wooden fence and stared at the ground. She let out a depressed sigh. Bon Bon saw her friend's despondency and felt sympathy towards her. Using one of her forehooves, Bon Bon lifted Lyra's head and gazed lovingly into her moist eyes.
"Chin up," Bon Bon said, smiling, "Of course I want to be with you. We just need to wait for the right time."
"When will that be?" Lyra asked, longingly.
"You'll know when you see it," Bon Bon said, reassuringly, "and when it comes, I'll be right there with you."
"I suppose good things are worth waiting for," Lyra said, complicity. The two marefriends nuzzled their noses before kissing each other through the fence. After breaking the kiss, Lyra realized that she wasn't going to convince Bon Bon to leave any time soon, so she decided to change the subject by asking Bon Bon about her day.
"So, how's Two Legs doing?" Lyra asked. Two Legs was Bon Bon's nickname for her owner. It wasn’t very original by pony standards. It would be comparable to calling a dog ‘Fido’ or ‘Spot.’
"He's doing well," Bon Bon said, "We've been busy traveling all over Sodom delivering oil. Both scented and unscented."
"Anything exciting going on in town?" Lyra asked.
"There's a big event happening in the high places this evening," Bon Bon said, "The city guards put up a roadblock. They wouldn't let Two Legs in, at first. He left me standing with his wagon while he bribed the guards behind a bush."
"Sounds like he had to grease a few palms before they let him inside," Lyra said, shrewdly.
"This isn't the first time Two Legs has had to conduct business under the table," Bon Bon said, knowingly, "Sometimes he has to bend over backwards to make a sale, but the payload is always worth it in the end. He’s really good at finding the best places to flaunt his merchandise. It seems like everywhere we go, someone's eager to give him a hot tip for the right price."
"Two Legs sounds like a real hardened professional," Lyra said, "So, what's the event tonight?"
"Well, the humans are having a dance to honor their fertility god, Baal." Bon Bon said, "It's the annual Baal's Balls Ball."
"That's quite a mouthful," Lyra said, chuckling.
"Two Legs managed to secure a booth at the event to sell his oil,” Bon Bon said, “Apparently, this year's Baal's Balls Ball will go down in the annals of Sodomite history."
"Sounds like something I should check out," Lyra said.
"You might even see me there," Bon Bon said, winking, "While he was setting up his booth, Two Legs arranged for me to participate in one of tonight's ceremonies!" Lyra's face lit up and she beamed with pride.
"Little Bon Bon, the center of attention," Lyra said happily, "In that case, I'll definitely be there! So, what are you going to do exactly?"
"I don't know," Bon Bon said, nervously, "I hope I don't embarrass myself." Just then, Bon Bon’s stomach rumbled. Lyra winced as she looked down and saw that her marefriend had already finished her meager portion of hay.
"I'm sure you'll do fine," Lyra said. Her face flushed with guilt, Lyra pushed the rest of her hay back through the fence for Bon Bon. Lyra couldn't bring herself to eat when she knew that Bon Bon was still hungry.
“Lyra,” Bon Bon said, in an objecting tone.
"Eat up," Lyra said encouragingly, "You'll need your strength for whatever the humans have planned." Bon Bon was about to insist that Lyra eat her share, but before Bon Bon could interject, Lyra backed away from the fence.
"I'm heading for the high place," Lyra said, "I’d better leave now if I want to get a good seat for your big debut. Look for me in the front row." Lyra gave Bon Bon a wink before walking into town. As Bon Bon watched her marefriend leave, she gave a wistful sigh before finishing her meal.
Lyra's stomach growled as she trudged through the open markets of Sodom. Merchants bartered and squabbled over the price of obscene novelties. As Lyra passed by the humans selling their wares, she noticed several other ponies on her trip. Some were tied to hitching posts, while others were pulling wagons. The Earth ponies who had difficulties carrying out their tasks were subsequently whipped by their owners. Lyra felt sorry for the domesticated ponies, and reflected on the relationship she had with Bon Bon.
"I'll show Bon Bon that we can provide for each other," Lyra muttered under her breath, "She'll be free soon enough."
All the humans around her were bustling with excitement in anticipation of tonight's festivities. Baal's Balls Ball was on everyone's lips, with one notable exception.
In the midst of the market, an old man stood on a box. He was bald on top, but had long, silvery white hair and a flowing beard. He carried a shepherds' crook and spoke as one having divine authority. The man was speaking urgently to anyone who’d listen. Many people chose to ignore him, but the few Sodomites who gathered around were openly mocking him.
"Repent!" the man shouted over the jeering crowd, "Repent, ye wicked and perverse generation! For the Lord has said He will surely destroy man from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air!"
"What a nut," Lyra thought. Beside the ranting man was a small white rabbit in a little red vest who was running around, while attempting to hand out flyers to people. The papers described how Baal was a false god and that salvation could only come by worshiping the Lord. The sheets of parchment were larger than the bunny who carried them. One strong breeze would be enough to send the rabbit and his papers flying away.
The Sodomites ignored the jumping rabbit as they passed him on the street. After it had become apparent that no one was interested in reading his message of salvation, the rabbit angrily threw the flyers on the ground and stood there scowling while folding his little arms.
When the bunny saw Lyra walking down the road, his face lit up. He hopped over excitedly and stopped in front of her. Lyra watched as he reached into his vest pocket and produced a business card. She was surprised to see the rabbit, but that didn't stop her from levitating his card and reading it aloud.
"Angel Bunny," Lyra said, reading from the card, "Assistant to the Prophet Noah." Lyra looked over at the old, bearded man ranting about a flood, while a small group of Sodomites heckled him.
“Repent of your sins and be baptized in the name of the Son of God, who shall surely come in the meridian of time,” Noah said, “If ye do not this, then the whole Earth will be baptized; yea, even by water!”
"Funny," Lyra said, turning back to look at Angel, "I didn't know deranged people needed assistants. He seems to be capable of acting crazy just fine by himself." Angel furrowed his brow at her blatant disrespect. He was tempted to just let Lyra go, but time was running short, and Angel feared that this might be his last chance to make contact with a unicorn before it was too late.
He pulled out of his vest pocket an impossibly long piece of parchment and showed it to Lyra. It was a list with every species of animal on earth. Virtually every box had a check mark beside it, with one exception near the bottom.
"Unicorns?" Lyra said as Angel pointed to her genus on the list, "What do you need with unicorns?"
Angel then proceeded to do a pantomime. He arched his right hand like a huge wave of water and smashed it on top of his left hand, which was clenched in a fist. He then wiggled his fingers while raising his arms to indicate that water was rising.
"You want to save me from a flood that will wipe out all life on earth?" Lyra said, dubiously. Angel nodded excitedly. He then made an O-shaped hole with his left hand and repeatedly inserted the index finger of his right hand into the hole to simulate coitus.
"And you want me to bring along a unicorn stallion so we can preserve our species?" Lyra said, with mild disgust. Angel nodded his head eagerly. Lyra leaned close and stared at him.
"You're just as crazy as the old man," Lyra said, “Besides, I don't swing that way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a festival to attend.” Lyra put Angel's business card behind her left ear and continued on her way to the high places. When she was several paces away, Angel flipped Lyra the bird before crossing unicorns off the list. He then gathered his flyers and returned to Noah. Having made their final petition for repentance, the Prophet and his assistant somberly left Sodom and returned to the ark to await the Great Flood.
Lyra was far from the market as she continued east on her trek towards the high place. The old man and the rabbit were still on her mind. She looked back down on the city of Sodom. The sun was slowly setting in the west. From the high elevation, Lyra could make out the tops of the buildings. Beyond the borders of Sodom, an enormous boat had been built in the wilderness. It looked comically out of place amidst the vast expanse of desert.
"What fools," Lyra thought, "It's been years since this land received a decent rain, let alone a flood." As Lyra continued her walk towards the high place, she didn’t notice the thin, wispy clouds that began to swirl around in the evening sky.
As she drew nearer to the festival grounds, Lyra could hear the sounds of joyful music echoing throughout the hills. When she arrived at the mountainous pass, Lyra ducked behind a bush to avoid being seen by the two human guards.
"Now, time to orchestrate a plan to get me in there," Lyra thought, "with no strings attached." Lyra cast a spell which produced golden-colored musical notes that fluttered in the air like butterflies. These served as a momentary sparkly distraction for the guards, who abandoned their post to chase after the pretty music. When the pass was left unguarded, Lyra whistled happily to herself as she trotted around the barricade. From there, it was only a short distance to the Baal's Balls Ball.
As she walked amongst the humans at the festival, Lyra could feel the warmth of a large fire in the distance. Sodomites in strange costumes were dancing perversely around the fire, singing praises to Baal. Off to the side, other humans were running around a maypole with colorful ribbons tied around their waists. Lyra didn't know who Baal was, or why these humans found him so fascinating. All she knew for certain was that the Baal worshipers certainly knew how to party.
The weather became more severe with the setting of the sun. The sky grew dark as lightning crackled throughout an enormous storm cloud. The sounds of thunder rumbled throughout the mountain pass. The Sodomites cheered, as they viewed the tumultuous thunderstorm as acclamation from their god.
"Baal is pleased!" a man shouted, "Bring out the pony!" Lyra looked up expectantly, hoping to catch a glimpse of Bon Bon. Four strong men were carrying an earth pony on a portable couch, known as a lectica. At first Lyra thought it was Bon Bon, but as the men set the lectica down beside the fire, Lyra could see that it was another mare.
"Bon Bon must still be on her way here," Lyra thought anxiously.
The pony laying on the lectica was a magenta-maned pony with a faded pink coat and a perpetually flushed face. A crown of laurels had been placed upon her head. She seemed to have gotten a little too into the festivities, as she was already slobbering drunk.
"More wine!" the pony shouted, "Bring me (hic) more wine!" The humans were incapable of comprehending the mare's speech. It wasn't just because she was drunk and slurring her words. Ponies weren't capable of communicating with humans; so to the Sodomites, the words she made sounded like gluttonous neighs and drunken whinnies. In spite of her obvious inebriation and inability to converse in human speech, the Sodomites seemed to know exactly what she wanted. Scantily-dressed women were fanning the mare with palm fronds while other women eagerly poured more wine down the pony's throat. They worshiped the mare like a goddess and showered her body with kisses. Lyra stared at the wanton hedonism on display as excess wine dribbled down the pony's coat.
The crowd erupted with applause as a human clothed in expensive robes emerged from a tent and made his way towards the mare. Those who had been pleasuring the pony bowed reverently as the robed man approached the fire. Lyra didn't know what to expect. The women who had been fanning the mare turned around and began fanning the flames. The stoked fire illuminated the robed man’s face. Lyra's eyes grew wide when she saw him produce a golden dagger, which he held over the inebriated mare. Lyra stood transfixed as those in the crowd started to chant.
"Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal!" the humans shouted in unison.
"Blood for Baal!" the drunken mare chanted obliviously, "Blood for (burp) Baal!" After raising his golden weapon high over the animal sacrifice, the priest of Baal plunged the dagger into the mare's chest. She screamed as hot blood washed over her wine-stained coat. Lyra’s face went pale as the mare was slaughtered right in front of her eyes. It suddenly dawned on her that Bon Bon was in serious trouble.
"That's not a bonfire," Lyra thought, "That's a Bon Bon fire! I've got to warn her!" Turning around quickly, Lyra ran through the crowd towards the entrance as fast as her hooves would carry her. No one paid any attention to the wild unicorn as she ran through the festival. The Sodomites were too busy dancing licentiously as a fresh burnt offering for Baal was added to the fire.
In a rare stroke of luck, Lyra found Bon Bon tied to a tree just outside the entrance to the high place. She was wearing her harness attached to the cart full of olive oil, but her owner was missing.
"Bon Bon!" Lyra said breathlessly, "Thank goodness you're alright." It was only then that Lyra noticed the laurels atop Bon Bon’s head, which were identical to the crown worn by the drunken mare. Lyra looked around nervously when she realized that they were alone.
"Where's your human?" Lyra asked, "And where are the guards, for that matter?"
"Over there," Bon Bon said, gesturing towards the bushes. Lyra looked over towards the rustling bushes. She could tell by the sounds emanating from the other side that Two Legs was in the middle of a heated negotiation. It sounded like the two guards were giving him the business.
"Apparently, his previous payment only secured him space for a booth,” Bon Bon said, “The guards are demanding another bribe before he's allowed to bring his merchandise into the festival."
Lyra saw the leaves rustle ominously, as though the humans would finish their business negotiations at any moment. Lyra knew that if she wanted to save Bon Bon, they would have to act while the guards were busy hammering out a deal with Two Legs.
"Do you want to live?" Lyra asked. The question came as a shock to Bon Bon, but was easy enough to answer.
"...Yes," Bon Bon said, warily.
"Then come with me," Lyra said, "It’s not safe. We've got to go. Now." Bon Bon took a cautious step backward.
"Why?" Bon Bon said, worried.
"There's no time to explain," Lyra said, urgently, "All I know is, our lives are in danger and we need to find a good place to hide."
It was dark as Lyra and Bon Bon ran through the deserted marketplace. All of the shops were closed so the merchants could sell their products at the festival. Torches on either side of the road partially illuminated the market. Thick, black clouds rumbled with thunder as bolts of lightning crisscrossed throughout the sky. Lyra had just finished relaying everything that had happened at the festival to Bon Bon. Her face grew pale as she listened to the grisly fate of the drunken mare.
"And then they killed her?!" Bon Bon said horrified.
"There was nothing I could've done," Lyra said, "I'm just glad that we found each other before you became the next sacrifice to Baal." Bon Bon felt as though she was going to be sick. The human who had fed her and raised her from a foal had been willing to offer her as an animal sacrifice. As far as she was concerned, there was no bigger betrayal.
"So, what do we do now?" Bon Bon asked, panicking, "We can't stay in Sodom when we're surrounded by bloodthirsty humans!” Lyra was desperately trying to think of a solution. As the two of them ran through the streets, it slowly dawned on Bon Bon that the simple life she knew was over.
“I can't go back home!” Bon Bon said, hysterically, “I don’t want to be a burnt offering!" Even though the streets appeared deserted, Lyra was worried that Bon Bon’s hysteria might potentially invite unwanted company. Lyra led Bon Bon into an alley where they could stop and think. Bon Bon removed the crown of laurels from her head and threw it on the ground, before stomping it flat. Unable to hold her emotions back any longer, Bon Bon began to cry. Lyra slowly approached her marefriend and sat beside her. Ever since she met Bon Bon, Lyra had been held back by the fence which separated them. All previous attempts at intimacy had been awkward and cumbersome. Without a fence to stop her, Lyra was able to wrap her hooves around Bon Bon and hold her close. Bon Bon gasped as she felt herself become enveloped by Lyra’s tender embrace. Lyra nuzzled Bon Bon’s neck and tried to comfort her.
“You’re not alone,” Lyra said, “I’ll never leave you. It’s going to be alright.” A lump formed in Bon Bon’s throat as she felt her marefriend’s warm breath on her neck.
“I love you, Lyra,” Bon Bon said.
“I love you, too,” Lyra replied. Bon Bon turned her head and stared into Lyra’s eyes. It was dark, but a flash of lightning briefly illuminated their faces. It slowly dawned on the two lovers that, for the first time, nothing stood between their love. No fence. No owners. Nothing remained except their mutual affection, which burned brighter than ever before. Overcome with desire, Lyra and Bon Bon leaned in for a kiss. After breaking their overly-long osculation, Bon Bon wiped away her tears. There would be time to grieve later. As for now, Bon Bon was determined to put on a brave face for Lyra.
"I suppose we should look for someplace to hide," Bon Bon said, “Where's the last place people would think to look for a pair of lesbian ponies?” Lyra's eyes lit up as lightning illuminated the dark sky.
"I have an idea," Lyra said, "There's at least one human left on earth who's concerned about preserving animal life, and I say we take advantage of his generosity." Lyra levitated Angel's business card out from behind her ear and looked at it. Flipping the card over, she read the back of it to Bon Bon.
"Tired of the everyday routine?" Lyra said as she read from the card, "Ever dream of a life of romantic adventure? Want to get away from it all? We offer you escape! This card is valid for a forty day and forty night pleasure cruise for two aboard Noah's Ark. Free food. Romantic setting. Offer good for one male and one female of the same species."
"It sounds wonderful," Bon Bon said, "There's only one problem. Neither one of us is a stallion." Lyra gave a devious smile.
A short time later, the deception was complete. With a little ingenuity, Lyra had managed to disguise her marefriend as a unicorn stallion. Bon Bon looked into a rain barrel so she could see her reflection.
"There you go," Lyra said, "You're own mother wouldn't even recognize you now."
"I should hope not," Bon Bon said, blushing, "I look ridiculous."
Bon Bon's mane had been cut short and styled to look like a stallion's. She ran her forehoof along the length of a cream-colored shaft that was strapped to her forehead. The color blended nicely with her coat.
"It certainly was convenient that you found this fake unicorn horn behind the counter of that novelty shop," Bon Bon said.
"Yeah..." Lyra said, while making a bad poker face, "A fake unicorn horn. Let's go with that." Bon Bon used her tail to cover her gender-specific parts. To the casual observer, Bon Bon looked just like a unicorn stallion.
With her disguise now in place, Lyra and Bon Bon made it out of Sodom. Above their heads, the sky was black as pitch. As they climbed up a hill, the loud sounds of thunder caused the ground beneath them to quake and tremble. When they reached the crest of the hill, a human-sized figure was standing in front of them, which caused the two mares to jump in surprise. Lyra illuminated her horn in a threatening manner, just in case the stranger was hostile. When she cast her light on the figure, Lyra saw that it wasn't a human. It was just a block of salt carved to look like a woman.
"How very odd," Bon Bon said, "Why would humans leave such a bizarre sculpture just standing around facing the city?"
"I don't know," Lyra said as she broke off the hands of the statue with her magic, "All I know is, I could go for a snack. Salt lick?" Lyra levitated one of the salt hands over to Bon Bon, who started sucking on the fingers. Lyra licked the palm of the other hand as the two mares continued moving towards Noah’s Ark.
This is Bronystories wishing everyone a peaceful Good Friday.
Please enjoy the story and thanks for all the feedback!
I see in no way which this could go wrong.
Commence read.
A new adventure sets sail.
You win.
Bible parody, gay ponies.
Could this get any better?
This is fucking beautiful.
twimg0-a.akamaihd.net/profile_images/565111594/jesus.jpg
~Have a good one.
New bible headcanon. I'm going to take a crayon to all the bibles in my church to fix them.
New christian influenced story = INSTANT WIN!!
Oh yeah. This is gonna be awesome!
Wow... uhh,,, this was.... this was pretty good, despite my original thought. Take all my faves!
Suckling on Lot's wife? Classic!
As a Christian....I shouldn't need to explain the dislike....
Bronystories....I am disappoint.
Oh well, no use crying like a baby or wishing that God strikes you down or something. Believe me, he's got better things to do then strike down anybody who disagrees with me.
I now will go. Goodbye.
*leaves thread and ignores story*
Very good read, Mr. Bronystories, very good read indeed. Solid under-the-table adult humor, excellent portrayal of old world hedonistic pagan rituals, and your comprehension and induction of various aspects from this particular chapter of the bible (especially that ending portion) were just straight up ingenious. Every downvote you get is surely wrongfully cast upon you by people so tasteless, if I were to cook them they'd taste exactly like Hawaiian poi. A fine example of this, is the buzzkill of an uptight twat above me. Clearly didn't even take the time to read this beauty. But I have to ask: won't you melt if you don't write something loaded with smut? Anyhow, this is looking to be marvelous, I definitely like!
Loathe,
Your Antagonist
Hoboy. You've got some balls, writing about this. Early this month, I got into a huge flame war for writing a grimdark story with religious themes. Thing is, I caught hell from atheists, not theists.
This one looks promising, quality-wise, but I can see it being hated by both. Brace yourself...
Haven't read it, but is this supposed to be a knock on Christians?
2340361 Funny. As a Jew, I find this hilarious.
2340431 Eh to each their own I guess
As a Christian, I find this hilarious.
Go on. Hit me.
Before I even read the story itself, that was the best story summary I have ever heard.
As an atheist I find this interesting!
Does that mean all the other ponies drowned?
2337762 oh good god a fic from you that doesnt make me wish brain bleach existed!
The EFU niggers are back!
I haven't even started reading this and I already know that it is going to be the best thing ever just by reading the description.
2340403 As an Atheist, I found this clever, funny and worthy of a thumbs up.
Anybody who calls stuff like this blasphemy needs to take a chill pill. This story isn't being offered as anything other than a work of total fiction
2340431
Wait until chapter three...
2340327
What can I say? Ponies love their salt licks.
You, sir, have not been reading the proper source material. (Or, in this case, listening)
2340361
Trust me. This isn't meant to bash Christians, gays, Jews or anyone else.
I believe in Jesus Christ. As the story progresses, you will be able to feel my deep and abiding love for my Savior.
This spiritual reflection is just intermingled with the antics of cross-dressing unicorn lesbians.
2340398
Thanks for the feedback! If you enjoyed my details in this chapter, you're going to love my descriptions on the inner-workings of the ark in the next chapter.
Look for it on Easter Sunday.
2340593
Not the seaponies.
Yes... YES!!! YEEESSSSS!!!!
Finally! Someone figures out how to put religious themes in a pony story but do it right!
Cue the holy chorus!
What.
Okay i can just imagine bonbon with her mane cut short and that 'disfigured unicorn horn' strapped to her forehead, if they get by noah they are either masters of disguise or noah had his share of wine that day. I love this story and I find it hilarious that this would happen, plus it explains why there are no more unicorns on this planet, maybe the earth ponies and unicorns can cross-breed to save their species...
2340929
Bon Bon's hair is short and curly, but still long enough to conceal the straps of the strap-on "horn."
4.bp.blogspot.com/-8K-LkGP3owo/TfOicsj4yVI/AAAAAAAAAD8/3cVdjmFrHkE/s1600/12941%2B-%2Bew_gay%2BLyra%2Bmegasweet.jpg
Wait wait wait. So Lyra is the reason I can't have a unicorn?!? Damn you, Lyra! Why couldn't you just take one for the team and get nailed by some stranger!
As a Christian I was a little hesitant to read this, but...I'm going to give this a shot because after reading the comments I find that the author is a Jesus fearing Christian as well.
Also, I thought I would put these scriptures that any brony (Christian or otherwise) would find extremely interesting.
Each one of these passages mentions a beast called "Re'em" which translates into "Unicorn"...So, according to the Bible, Unicorns existed.
Must... resist temptation... to point out... massive moral and physical problems with... flood story.
:deep breath:
Ah, phewew... there we go. Right. Now then, I like what you did with the setting somewhat. I'm not sure how to take the whole "sacrificing animals to Baal" thing, especially given that the Abrahamic God was a-okay with that itself. But then again this story is a fictionalized account of a piece of mythology that still influences the world's two largest religions today, so the hell with that kind of nitpicking.
In any case, I suspect that at some point (Day 39) the two get outed and are about to get tossed overboard when God decides to show up and check on how Noah was doing...
God: "Yo, Noah what is up-what are you doing too those two ponies?
Noah: "My Lord! This Unicorn and ordinary pony are lovers!"
God: "And?"
Noah: "Well, their female."
God: "Yeah, I see that. And that justifies you killing them because..."
Noah: "Well, Leviticus-"
God: "Oh, medammit! Leviticus again?! Look, that guy was a deafer then a box of rocks. I say my greatest dream is a world without booze and he puts down "world without Jews". I mean, I made sure I got that piece of scripture burned but I just know the angel I had editing left some stuff in. That's why he is now the operator for the telephone with hell and believe me that is a very hot line!"
Noah: "So... what you are saying is..."
God: "I'm saying I don't have any problem with gays! Love is love and if I never intended males to sleep with males or females with females then why the hell would I have added the genetic and biochemical factors that influence sexual orientation? So, look... just let the two stay on the boat."
Noah: "But... My Lord, now there is only one Unicorn!"
God: "Oh, hey that's right. Well that pushes a few things ahead of schedule, so don't worry about it. I'm saved some awkwardness when I finish the book, although that doesn't really say much all things considering. Anyways, keep them on."
Noah: "... Yes My Lord."
Bon Bon: (somewhat bewildered) "Lyra... what just happened?"
:pauses:
I just wrote that, didn't I?
Anyways, one thing that leaps out at me: what about the pegasus? I mean, should be pretty easy for them to avoid the flood. Hell, the Big G is even providing the clouds for them to wait the flood out on!
This story sort of breaks a few Christian Morals.
Great start! Faved!
I have nothing of value to add here.
HOWEVER.
I do finally have a scenario where I can use this...
As a Catholic, I find this a pretty neat idea, also, learning of the Re'em is also cool. Plus, I was like WHAT? when you mentioned the salt lick. By reading the segment of the story before it, and remembering what happened with Sodom and Lot, I realized thet started licking on Lot's wife's (I don;t think we ever learn her name in ANY Scripture) salt hand. BronyStories, sir/ma'am. you are a mad genius.
2341551
I don't plan on having any Monty Python-eque God who speaks to Noah by parting the clouds.
skepticmoney.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/God-monty-python.jpg
As for the animal sacrificing... you'll just have to wait and read the rest of the story.
2341735
That's never stopped you before.
But seriously, that song was pretty hilarious.
"Hey Noah, we understand you're trying to preserve animal life..." Lyra said.
"And we do have experience working in a sperm bank..." Bon Bon added.
Nah, that's not gonna happen in this story.
2341436
Wait......REALLY?!
*scoots over to bookshelf....*
*pulls down old, heavily abused book.....*
*Flips through pages*
*Mutters..."job 39.....verse...9..."
"'..will the wild ox consent to serve.....' ummm, nuu....."
*flips a few more pages*
"Deuter...33...17...." "'Magesty he's like a firstborn bull, his horns are the horns of a wild ox....'" "hehe, joseph's an ox....why do i find that funny? God called both Esau and saul an ass..... Off topic.
*flip**flip**flip**flip*.....
"Numbers....23....whatsitagain? Ah. 22." *flip*
"'...God brought them out of Egypt.....they have the strength of a whild ox....' Dammit. I'm seein a pattern here."
Hey, um, what translation you have? I've had this NIV for years, and need to do some cross referencing.... this ol' thing's starting to fall apart anyways.
2341754
Ironically, Lot's wife was named Pepper.
0.tqn.com/d/comicbooks/1/0/m/s/pepperhelmet.jpg
2341785 And you say that I rant all the time.
Besides, I really don't matter here. I'm just a tourist.
Never even read the bible either, but I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
2339808
I've seen cupcakes, watched squidward's suicide, played amnesia at 2:00 in the morning..... But you.... you scare me.
2340716
And truly, what is more Christian than that?
I only have one question: Are there any other MLP species like pegasi, alicorns, and griffins?