The Beginning of the End
“Come on, we don’t want anypony else to see us, now do we?” came a voice from the darkness.
“I said I was sorry, didn’t I? It’s not my fault that those ponies are everywhere at all times of the day,” another voice replied, irritated this time.
“Shh, come on, the big tree library is just ahead, let’s just be quiet until we have what we came for, alright?”
“Fine.”
In the middle of the night without Luna’s moon, the only light on the street was from a lone lamp post in the middle of the square, and in the distance shone a lone candle in the window of the two mysterious strangers’ final destination.
The residence of Twilight Sparkle.
The door opened with a slight squeak, causing the two to freeze for a moment and pray to their Queen nopony heard anything.
The snoring upstairs continued uninterrupted, and the two strangers breathed a sigh of relief. Their cover wasn’t blown. Continuing into the library, they stop in the center of the main room, the main foyer that houses all the books.
The bigger one looked over at the other. “Grab the books pertaining to the Queen’s interest, and only books that she specified.”
Clearly that one was in charge. As the leader walked over to the window, he spoke, his voice low and cold.
“And then we go on to stage two of the project.”
“Stage two? I didn’t hear anything about stage two.”
“And you still haven’t. You’ll participate in it, but you won’t be able to tell anyone. Ever.”
“Ah, so the Queen is in direct control of this then?”
“Yes.”
All of a sudden, the room went black as the candle in the window got blown out.
//|b0d|\\
The baby dragon was still asleep. Good. That meant one last witness for this.
“Come on, we need to get the spell placed,” came the order, whispered, as they were directly next to the target.
“Okay, just let me get into position,” the second stranger said, moving to get a better place next to the bed. As this happened, his front leg brushed up against the purple dragon’s leg.
“Woah!” came the muffled yell. The leader pushed the other off of the purple leg.
“Idiot! What happened to no touching?” the bigger one whispered tersely at the other.
“Sorry boss, but that was an accident. And that surge of emotion was just so intense!”
“Uh, AJ? Rainbow Dash? Why are you in my house in the middle of the night?”
Twilight, the resident of the library in a tree, Ponyville, had woken up to the two strangers, that Twilight identified as Applejack and Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, uh... Oh buck this. Tange, just convert.”
“Got it Reaj”
And in a flash of purple light, the two transformed into one of three more feared creatures in Equestria.
Changelings.
“Wha? But, we banished you to the badlands! What are you doing here!” Twilight exclaimed sleepily, her mind still behind on the fact that they probably meant her harm, or just something as horrible.
“We’re here for you, my dear. Orders of the queen herself,” said Reaj.
“Me? Why?”
“Because she sees it as your fault that she failed in her attempt to capture Equestria. She would’ve gotten us food, and shelter without any problem, and any bloodshed.”
“What are you talking about? What happened that day was completely in self defense of our country!” Twilight’s mind seemed to have finally caught up with the stream of information that her senses were sending.
“Spike!”
“Restrain her!”
Tange’s horn, which was basically a counterpart of a unicorn’s horn lit up with a green aura as it surrounded Twilight, preventing her from moving.
But she didn’t need to move to cast a spell. Or two.
“Could you hurry up with that sleep spell? I thought that those were your specialty!” Tange said to Reaj, no longer bothering to keep their voices down to whispers. It looked like the baby dragon, Spike apparently, wasn’t going to wake up anytime soon.
“They are, but she’s fighting back!”
“Just drop the marker and let’s teleport back! The other’s will take care of her once we get there. We’re going to get caught if this keeps up!”
Indeed. The magic of the changeling called Tange, mixing with the magic of Twilight, made for quite a light show from the library windows, and Spike was beginning to wake up.
“Mmmh, Twi, please turn off the light. It’s midnight for pete’s sake.” Spike said, pulling his blanket over his head.
“Reaj, now!”
“Hey, you don’t call the shots here! I do!”
“Well, then, what are we going to do?”
“We’ll drop the beacon, and let the others take care of it.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Giving up on tranquilising Twilight, the changeling turned it’s attention to his saddlebag, pulling something out with the same green glow that all changeling’s have, and dropped it to the floor.
With one final flash of a brilliant white light, all three of them teleported out. All that was left in the library was one purple and green baby dragon.
“Thanks, Twilight,” said Spike, snuggling down deeper into the blankets. He was completely unaware of all that had just transpired in the bedroom.
And no one would know where Twilight went in the middle of the night. Or, at least, that was plan, and a plan that would’ve gone perfectly, if there hadn’t been a wildcard in the deck. The wild card was Twilight, who had done something that nopony would’ve thought to do under extreme duress. But Twilight wasn’t just an normal unicorn, and had used one of the most simplest spells, and had managed to write four single words, ones that would change everything about that perfect plan, and a piece of paper on the other side of the room.
“The changelings have returned.” it said, although it wasn’t Twilight’s normally perfect writing, it was still identifiable as hers.
//b0d\\
Meanwhile, at the Canterlot Castle
“Mind if I join you sister?”
“Of course, Tia. But shouldn’t thou be asleep?”
“Yes Luna, I should be. But It’s been awhile since we’ve just sat together and looked at your beautiful night sky together.”
“You never do that, unless something is wrong.”
“You wound me. But yes. I can’t shake a feeling that something terrible is happening.”
“Happening? Not happened?”
“No Luna, I fear that something is going to come and test this kingdom to it’s limits.”
“Then we will face that threat together, okay Tia? Now go get some sleep.”
“Love you too, Luna,” Celestia said, laughing and turning to return to her quarters.
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Only spotted one error (Equestri instead of Equestria,) and the rest was a pretty good read. Will favorite to see where it goes.
And thanks for giving me my new profile picture as well.
Now normally I tend to avoid avoid stories with a Dark and Sad Tags but I am going to put that aside and check out this story because the premise interests me. I will post up another comment giving my opinion of the story soon.
I like it so far and will follow it!
That been said I must ask that you dont disapoint. Also if you dont already have a proofreader, find one.
A deck would be more useful here.
I've read quite a few, Twilight becomes a changeling stories and I do want to see how you play this out. I also do need to point out that the changelings themselves didn't try to use any means of deception. They went straight to "cap and go" tactics, they could have used Twilight's sleepy state to try and... oh I don't know, trick her to going into the everfree forest under the pretense that a friend (fluttershy) needs help, then take a simple club to the back of her noggin.
It could use a little work. Some words are misspelled, in some areas you could use a better word, some sentences could use a little tweak. However, it is overall not bad. I an curious to see how you handle the next chapter now that Twilight is missing. I would recommend some revision(below are some examples) to make the chapter a bit...more.
" praying to their deity or whatever the two pray to." Try to avoid lines like that. It break immersion.
" two strangers breathed a sigh of relief." Be careful for sentences like these. While breathing is inward and sighing is outward, making them opposites, the two actions together sound redundant.
"The baby dragon was still asleep. Good. That meant one last witness for this.
“Come on, we need to get the spell placed.” Came the order, whispered, as they were directly next to the target."
Try to stick with one view per story break, it'll sound and flow better. ie:
"It looks like the dragon is still asleep."
"Good. one less witness for us to worry about. Now hurry and get over here, we need to place the spell."
Misc critiques:
-Slow down the chapter. While it is an infiltration chapter, add some description. Maybe add some more to the beginning(ie Changelings enter Ponyville and have to search for the library).
-Don't have the Changelings reveal the plan. A simple "My orders don't require me to know" can add a lot. A) makes since since the Changeling seem to be just drones for the most part. B) can add character development later if you want to add a scene where the 3 are en route to the Hive (Twi questions why they are blindly loyal)
-Use something like Sleep or Stun spell rather than tranq spell. It just rolls off the tongue easier.
Not bad, not bad at all. I will keep an eye out on this one.
Please for the love of all that is holy please tell me when you will update. If you do i will give you three adorable gifs
Just one question. Is that meant to be aurora, or just aura? I just want to check, to make sure I understood/read it right.
needs work but theres enough here for me to follow this story
Awesome, love the Twilight changeling stories, although the lings responsible for the kidnapping were kind of amateurish in a funny way.
Great job writing it. I will be looking forward to see how you take the story in your way. Good luck
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Hmm.
I'm liking this.
Will see where it ends up.
Knew
Also, the dialog seem too revealing, makes this feel almost like a comedy; not at all what the tags advertise. I like the premise, but it will take more to get a "Like" from me. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png
1575924>>1575977>>1577297>>1576044
Thanks for the mistakes, I'll edit them in a moment. I'll see if I can get my friend to PR this thing for me.
1576096
*laughs* Can do, kind sir, kind do.
1576110
Botched that up should be aura.
1576812>>1577297
Eh, The next chapter *should* be darker. This is my first shot at a sad/dark fic.
'
And the master mind behind all of this is! That guy!
1577884 Here are your gifs then24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m121w0OURn1qm02wmo1_400.gif
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/208/183/90298%20-%20animated%20artist%253Atomdantherock%20artist%253Avalcron%20celestia%20filly%20gif%20luna%20spinning.gif?1322379782
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/9/22/yrf5IBYtdUm8rMAH8IAevg2.gif
Hrmm... while there are quite a few technical mistakes, the story itself seems interesting... you have my eye, sir/madame.
While the writing can undergo a little improvement and some spelling and grammar errors are hidden in there, this is looking up to be a pretty good story. Having a story with this sort of concept myself, I can't pass this one up. I'll be watching this one.
1577984
Oh gosh, where did you get these? :D
1578192>>1579276
Thanks. I'll work on the mistakes, and hopefully I'll have a PRer in a few.
very interesting, Pray and hope that this doesn't die with a whimper, but with a bang!
hehe... sorry got caught in the moment of myself. anyway... keep it up, and have a few moustaches (or 5
(notetoself: stop using ... in every single thing i post >.<)
1579301
1 http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m121w0OURn1qm02wmo1_400.gif
2 http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/208/183/90298%20-%20animated%20artist%253Atomdantherock%20artist%253Avalcron%20celestia%20filly%20gif%20luna%20spinning.gif?1322379782
3 https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/9/22/yrf5IBYtdUm8rMAH8IAevg2.gif
1579589
Thank Ye!
1579301
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8281-131769487477.jpg
1579589
EDIT: never mind, I should have looked at the conversation before posting.
great first chapter! looking forward to more
Only saw one major spelling mistake.
It's a cool concept, and one I would like to see expanded upon. Good job on writing this chapter!
1580205
Fixed!
Yes, this is good... more Twiling fics! Soon there will be more Changeling! Twilight stories than Alicorn! Twilight stories!
Ahem, can you tell I like Twiling fics? Also, fav'd and upvoted.
1584403
... I hadn't realized until know I had made one of the most cliched stories on FIM...1584514 You're saying that like it's a bad thing.
I meant it when I said that this story's good, you know.
Look, I'm sorry if I offended you with my comment. I just really like stories where Twilight is/becomes a Changeling and I'm glad to see that they're gaining ground on Alicorn Twilight stories. Yours is one that I truly enjoy and I really want to know where you'll go from here
1584738
No, not mad. I'm glad that I'm taking this in a way that people enjoy. Hopefully that's all the cliches in the story.
And well, i sorta missed the notification that I had a reply. Sorry!
Thanks!
1584750 I've had some issues with that too. Someone would write a reply and I get no note of it. Seems to be happening at random, since I did get a note of your reply... must be a bug or something.
I don't think this is the first time I've seen that picture on a story here.
Hmm ... interesting and somewhat original story.
However I cannot give you a like until I see more.
In the meantime you get this!
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Sounds kinda like Starcraft story with Kerrigan (not exacly copy-paste : p but has a resemblance)
1588620
Okay? I haven't read/heard of that one, so no resemblance is meant. Hopefully the two diverge in the next chapter.
1589162
its nothing to be afraid of, its just the overall idea is kinda like that "Powerfull unit capable of alot turned by some kind of insect-like swarm into abomination of its own to "lead" "
its a cool idea and the story as for now is really nicely wrote.
ugh, also sry for my terrible english i hope im somewhat understadable (short story short: I like this)
1590366
No problem. And yeah, I'm going to try and avoid that type of scenario. But time will tell!
1590536
aww...to be honest I was hoping for that kind of thing xD (I love corruption themes)
1590551
Like I said, Time will tell. I've only got about the first arc planned, and the other two are vaguely planned. Corruption may happen, but it probably won't be a major theme.
One question...
What does bod mean?
But anyways this is amazing...
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/154/a/b/gif_applejack_moonwalking_by_the_lexus_guy789-d524jwa.gif
And to all those haters... That penguin on the left is you... The penguin on the right is me...
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/203/d/f/funny_gif_by_luckygay-d41azey.gif
This story is relevant to my interests.
I will be watching
I love this story... this is so cool!
But Twilight wasn’t just an normal
I think you mean "any normal"
Also I wasn't so sure about the changlings explaining to Twi about the whole "why" bit in the middle of kidnapping her... personally I think that's something they'd do AFTER they'd gotten her... that is if they even bother to explain it at all to her.
1669127
Eh, where would this be? I can't seem to find it.
And about the 'lings explaining it to her, this fic wasn't supposed to get this big. Not that it didn't pleasently surprise me, it's just that it was just a "fun" fic for me to do. The first chapter is full of holes that I'll someday edit out.
1584514
True enough. On the other hoof, there isn't NEARLY enough Scootaling, Sweetibot, Appleblank, "Cutie Mark Crusaders Abamanations before Faust! Yay!" stories out there. In fact, the closest I've seen was "Curiosity Maintenance Crew", except Scootaloo hadn't been outed as a Changeling yet, and it seems to have vanished off the face of the interwebs. If you know of any "Story of the Blanks"/"Friendship is Witchcraft" crossovers, with or without Scootaling, let me know.
his/her/it’s You should just replace it with it's or their, using these -> / kinda breaks the narrative and it or they is enough to get the point across that their gender is unknown.
There's a gaping wound in this chapter for me, and that's the pacing. Am I to believe that Twilight leapt out of bed and starts debating the ethics and morality of the changeling incident on just her second line of dialogue? Considering that they were supposed to be banished, I think her astonishment would be deeper than that. So this scene in the bedroom should be drawn out significantly, in my opinion. Twilight stammers and demands explanations for at least a paragraph or two, which is useful for two other reasons:
1) the reader is likely confused as to how they managed to re-infiltrate Equestria, and this is a prime opportunity to at least give them some hints, and
2) assuming that your two changeling black ops aren't simply throwaway characters used to transport Twilight to Changeling-land, now would be a good time to characterise them a bit, show whether they're malicious and sadistic or sympathetic to their prey (or, better, show the different traits for each of them).
Now, onwards we march!
Finally got to read this!
Kewl opening Chapter!
If this is the just the beginning.... I......
Ya know what..... I'll just read more......
Wait, what? This isn't anthro, right?
Re-reading this story to help with any problems it might have.
)
(because I love it!
“You wound me. But yes. I can’t shake a feeling that something terrible is happening.”
“Happening? Not happened?”
“No Luna, I fear that something is going to come and test this kingdom to it’s limits.”
(that sounds kinda clunky. Might not want to be so specific. If she just had a bad feeling, she wouldn't know that it would "test the kingdom to It's limits." You might want to keep her feeling vague. It makes the story sound better.
“Then we will face that threat together, okay Tia? Now go get some sleep.”
(You missed an awesome dialouge moment here, you could have said something along the lines of:
"You know we can face anything together, my sister. You will never have to worry about facing anything alone ever agai. You do understand that, right Tia?"
Celestia smiled fondly at her sister. "Of course Lulu, of course."
(that was terrible, but you get the idea, ending the chapter on a sister bonding moment of some kind would be a better hook to keep new readers going on to the next page.)
I love this story. moving on to the next chapter. If I missed any grammar errors, I'm sorry.