The Everfree Monster

The thick canopy of the Everfree Forest barely let any light through to the ground. The wicked underbrush scratched and stabbed into my uncovered flesh, almost as if the forest were trying to devour me. Few, if any, of the trees bore any kind of non-poisonous fruit or nut. How any creature was expected to live here was beyond me. I grimaced as I pushed through yet another wall of brambles and thorns, my gambeson provided a ward for my body against the painful lacerations. My legs and face were not so lucky.

The forest opened up to a large clearing. A flood of relief hit me as I took in the wonderful sight. There were beautiful lilies and lilacs, a crystal clear pond, even the sun and sky were clearly visible. This truly was a paradise in Tartarus. The sun radiated a warmth that could only be matched by the kindness radiated by Celestia herself. I walked over to the water as I unbuckled my gambeson and tossed it to the side. I closed my eyes and lowered my head into the pool. The coolness of the water felt wonderful as I greedily swallowed mouthful after mouthful until I could hold my breath no more. The serene ripples of the pond hosted the reflection of a unicorn, one I hardly recognized.

His once brilliantly kempt amber mane was now a matted, haggard mess. Sap, dirt, and a small amounts of blood marred the natural beauty of his light gray coat. Two weary blue eyes stared back into mine. This is hardly a fitting image of the noble Blueblood name. I should be glad I was the only one sent, it would be a scandal if anypony were to see me in such a disheveled state.

A slight breeze brought a nearly unbearable stench from behind me to my attention. The smell was one that I quickly recognized. It was the characteristic scent of rotting flesh. I quickly pulled my gambeson back on and went to investigate. A short trek led me over a hill. At the edge of the forest there was a large manticore. Instinct compelled me to turn and run away from the dreadful beast before it could devour me. My body had different plans as I found myself paralyzed to the spot. Even as skilled a warrior as I was I barely stood a chance against such a monster by myself. It could take an entire squad of seasoned veterans to kill one.

I stared on in horror, fully expecting the beast to raise itself from the ground and be ready for a hunt. It never moved. Its chest never rose or lower. A small smile spread across my face as I realized that it was dead. I sighed to myself in relief and turned to leave. A sudden thought prevented me from leaving and I advanced towards the body. After searching through this dismal forest for the better part of a week I may have finally stumbled upon some evidence in support of the rumors. Excitement coursed through me, the thought of affirming the rumors renewed the vigor I had had at the beginning of my search.

My stomach churned as I crept closer to the rotting corpse of the once mighty manticore. The incessant buzzing of the flies was almost impossible to ignore. I quickly circled around the body to determine a cause of death. The head, or what was left of it, looked like it had caved in on itself. Its mane had been dyed crimson with dried gore. My stomach redoubled its efforts to empty itself of my breakfast. For a few brief seconds I closed my eyes and collected myself. I sent a quick prayer to Celestia, thanking her that my willpower was stronger than my stomach.

It looks like something crushed its head, so that rules out a natural death. Oh Celestia that stench is horrible. There aren't many creatures in Equestria that could kill an adult manticore. So whatever did this is strong. The body can't be more than a day or two old...I think. Regardless of whether or not the rumors were true, there is certainly something strong enough to kill a manticore here. That alone should be enough evidence that something is here.

I turned away from the body and started trotting back towards my camp, with the intent of heading back to Canterlot. For the most part, I was relieved that I hadn't seen many of the Everfree's dangerous denizens, however a small part of me was also disappointed that I hadn't seen the creature. To be honest, the Everfree had failed to live up to my expectations. I hadn't run into any large animals in the fabled forest. The dead manticore had been the first evidence of any creatures I had seen that was larger than a pony.

There were two versions to the rumor. The marginally more popular version was that the creature was a metal golem that wandered the forest. Supposedly created by a rogue wizard. The less popular version was that the creature was "some weird cross between a Diamond Dog and a Minotaur but not" and had almost always been spotted near the river that ran through the Everfree. In my opinion the second version was just plain silly.

I personally wanted the first version to be true. It's the entire reason I had volunteered to come here. Nopony had constructed a golem in centuries, magic like that had been lost for centuries. The thought of studying it and finding the unicorn responsible for its creation was exhilarating. Despite the fact that I have no real skill with magic beyond the common spells, I loved studying magic theory, it was one of my favorite past times.

o.0.o

The trek back to the camp had taken the better part of a day, I had strayed off the path a few times to investigate some odd tracks that I didn't recognize or an odd sound. The frequency of the unknown tracks only increased as I neared the camp. Which was more than just a little disconcerting.

I quickly packed up my camp, I decided to leave the tent behind, as it would slow me down. I only wanted to return to Canterlot. Earlier in the day I had been excited to find evidence of this creature, now my mind insisted on returning to the image of the devastated skull of the manticore. What if the golem were hostile? If a manticore couldn't defeat it then what hope did I have against it?

I travelled through the forest for the better part of the night. Celestias' Moon somehow penetrated the dense tree-line and provided enough light that I could see where I was going. Towards the edge of the forest I could see a campfire. The journey out had been more exhausting then I thought it would be.

A part of me told me to keep going and ignore the bonfire, the new town of Ponyville lay ahead and I could rest at an inn there. It would be at least another hour or two until I reach Ponyville though. Maybe I could just rest at the campfire for an hour or so and then I'll continue to Ponyville. That sounds fine, these peasants shouldn't recognize me anyway.

The thought of socializing with somepony, even a commoner, excited me, I had been wandering alone in the forest for a week. "Hello? Is anypony there?" I called out to greet anypony that was near the camp. No answer. That's disappointing. Well they'll probably be back soon. Maybe they went to go look for more firewood. I sat down near the fire.

While I waited, I took in the campsite around me. It didn't seem like a normal pony camp, the camp was clearly improvised. The tent was far too large for just one pony. Next to the tent was an odd metal thing, I hadn't seen one before. I didn't really care though. Above the fire sat a metal pot, probably iron. It had an odd scent emanating from it. Curiosity eventually won out over manners; I levitated the lid off of the pot to look inside.

Before I could look inside, the distinct thump of something hitting the ground came from behind me. It's probably the campers, I need to make sure they know I'm no threat to them. I spoke as I slowly turned to face my new compatriots. "I apologize for being so rude as to visit your camp uninvited, however I have been trav-" I trailed off as I took in the monster before me.

The creature before me was unlike anything I had ever seen. It stood on two legs like a minotaur, easily near the same height. The beasts body was thinner and leaner. It seemed to be entirely made of metal, with intricate designs and patterns all over it, except for its head. The monsters head had a short black mane, the face was mostly free of fur. Next to the bottom of its legs was the broken body of an Earth Pony mare.

What the buck is that thing? Oh Celestia, please save me! Celestia is this...this thing what the rumors are about? My heart beat quickened as the monster walked over to the nearby tent, never taking its brown eyes off of me. It reached down and grabbed the odd metal thing near the tent and set it over its head. The monster advanced cautiously towards me, lifting a large mace with its right arm.

It was now just a few paces away. A million thoughts raced through my mind. I need to run. I could fight back. Is that poor mare dead? What is this thing? Where did it come from? Does it understand me? Can I talk it down? Will I get to see my son agai-

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Comments ( 11 )

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Unfoundedfall

Unfoundedfall #1 · Nov 6th, 2012 · · ·

I wanted to try something a bit different with the Human in Equestria genre. Hopefully my idea isn't too unoriginal. I haven't seen any Human stories like this one, but I also don't really look for Human stories.

I left it unedited. (Except for a quick read-through by myself) If (There will be) there are any mistakes or flaws with my writing please let me know so that I may improve. (Reviews and Critiques are strongly desired.)

Sandman

Sandman #2 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

So it's a knight of some kind that's been stranded in Equestria.
Interesting.

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #3 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything. Since you're asking for reviews, I'll be happy to oblige.

i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg

Rated "Teen" for mild violence and death.

The first thought that occurs is "What's mild death?" Seriously, that description is fine; it's just that my mind works in odd ways sometimes.

First impressions are very favorable. Spelling is good, grammar is good, no wall-o-text, capitalization, punctuation; all fine. No obvious, major problems here.

The wicked underbrush scratched and stabbed into my uncovered flesh, almost as if the forest were trying to devour me. Few, if any, of the trees bore any kind of non-posionous fruit or nut.

You misspelled "poisonous."

Maybe I'm wrong, but the Everfree isn't portrayed as any sort of hell-jungle in canon. It's dangerous, but the ponies seem to freak out more over the fact that it runs itself, without any pony oversight. Then again, considering who the protagonist is, I'm willing to believe he's exaggerating the danger.

Speaking of which: the protagonist is Blueblood? How is he an OC? Unless this is meant to be a relative, not the actual Prince Blueblood, in which case it needs to be clarified. If that's not the case, what the derp is he doing trekking through the Everfree in quest for a monster? That seems very out of character.

Even as skilled a warrior as I was I barely stood a chance against such a monster by myself. It could take an entire squad of seasoned veterans to kill one.

I dunno, five untrained fillies went up against a manticore without a second thought in Season 1, Episode 1. Then again, if this is Blueblood . . .

It's is the contraction of it is. Its (no apostrophe) is the possessive form of it.

That ending was certainly abrupt. I read it twice before I realized what had happened (that, and the fic's "completed" status).

Overall . . . good. Very good. A few minor issues, but you know how to put words together; the story flows logically, is interesting, and is nicely tense. I recommend clarifying who the protagonist is, and elaborating on the final scene a little bit.

Final Grade: Four out of five Trixies.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant

Detective Chmilewsky

Detective Chmilewsky #4 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

This is an excellent story. Shame it didn't last any longer.

Unfoundedfall

Unfoundedfall #5 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

1575056
Thank you, I thought it was a rather unique idea myself.

1575070

Well first I'd like to thank you for reviewing the story. Also, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to respond to this extent...so if I wasn't let me know, I just wanted you to know that I've taken everything you've said into consideration.

You misspelled "poisonous."

Honestly, that's how I thought you were supposed to spell it. Spellcheck, however, insisted that "posionous" was the correct spelling. Until now I've never really had a reason to distrust spellcheck. (Except the Gdoc spellcheck, that one doesn't even have "knight". How sad is that?)

Maybe I'm wrong, but the Everfree isn't portrayed as any sort of hell-jungle in canon. It's dangerous, but the ponies seem to freak out more over the fact that it runs itself, without any pony oversight. Then again, considering who the protagonist is, I'm willing to believe he's exaggerating the danger.

I think you're actually right here. As much as I want to say it was entirely the protaganist...it wasn't. (I still wanted him to exaggerate a bit) It's been awhile since I watched any episodes containing the Everfree...and I guess I assumed it was a hell-jungle.

Speaking of which: the protagonist is Blueblood? How is he an OC? Unless this is meant to be a relative, not the actual Prince Blueblood, in which case it needs to be clarified. If that's not the case, what the derp is he doing trekking through the Everfree in quest for a monster? That seems very out of character.

It was either Prince Bluebloods Grandfather. Ever since I've started thinking about the Blueblood family, I've liked the idea that they used to actually be something noble and righteous. That the Family used to stand for something good. Over time the Bluebloods have slowly deteriorated into what Prince Blueblood is now; a spoiled snob with few (if any) redeeming qualities. I had tried to make it clear by stating that Ponyville was a newly founded town. I guess that was a failure on my part. I know that in the show it's only one to two generations old, but I'm not really sure when a town stops being new.

I dunno, five untrained fillies went up against a manticore without a second thought in Season 1, Episode 1. Then again, if this is Blueblood . . .

That's true. My only counterpoint is that they were not trying to kill the manticore and it was kind of playing with them. Animals always become much more dangerous when their lives are in danger. At least that is the vibe I got from that episode. (I'm not sure if that sounded rude, if so I didn't mean to. I'm paranoid about being rude to people.)

It's is the contraction of it is. Its (no apostrophe) is the possessive form of it.

Thank you, I've been wondering that for awhile. I never had a decent English education so there's quite a bit of basic knowledge that I don't know.

That ending was certainly abrupt. I read it twice before I realized what had happened (that, and the fic's "completed" status).

Yes, it was. There were three reasons for that. First this was the first story I've ever written an ending to, so I wasn't sure how to go about it. I'm still not. While inexperience isn't an excuse, I'm just not really sure how to go about it yet. I'll figure it out soon.

Second, one of my favorite short stories is "Dagon" by H.P. Lovecraft. It ends very abruptly. While I'm not trying to say my story is like his, I couldn't think of an ending to right in time and remembered that now all stories are very clear about that. It was basically a copout.

Third, and perhaps most important was that I ran out of time. I originally planned to write this in a single two hour session before my classes started. What I had intended to be a single writing session soon turned into a four day project. I'm a really really slow writer. (Hence why I still only have the intro chapter of my other story out.)

I'll certainly try to go back and do a better job soon.

Overall . . . good. Very good. A few minor issues, but you know how to put words together; the story flows logically, is interesting, and is nicely tense. I recommend clarifying who the protagonist is, and elaborating on the final scene a little bit.
Final Grade: Four out of five Trixies.

You've made my day, thank you so much. I've been afraid that my writing is extremely subpar and boring. As soon as I get a chance I'll go back and fix the mistakes you mentioned and flesh out the final scene a bit.

1576305

Thank you very much. I had plans for it to be longer, but college essays and midterms reared their heads. I'm not sure if this is looked down upon but I may rewrite this or write another story with the same premise and have it follow my original plans.

I hope this comment wasn't too long.

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #6 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

1577774
Respond as much or as little as you like; I'm just glad I was able to help! I always appreciate a "Hey, thanks for the review!" if nothing else.

posionous
Stupid spellcheck.

It was either Prince Bluebloods Grandfather. Ever since I've started thinking about the Blueblood family, I've liked the idea that they used to actually be something noble and righteous. That the Family used to stand for something good. Over time the Bluebloods have slowly deteriorated into what Prince Blueblood is now; a spoiled snob with few (if any) redeeming qualities.

Makes sense, and it fits with my headcanon of the Blueblood line. I have a similar idea in a fic I'm writing (completely unlike this one, though).

I had tried to make it clear by stating that Ponyville was a newly founded town. I guess that was a failure on my part. I know that in the show it's only one to two generations old, but I'm not really sure when a town stops being new.

You did say that, and I just missed it. Hm. Maybe make some reference to Celestia being sole ruler of the kingdom, or Sir Blueblood being unsure about his spoiled brat of a grandson? Even consider changing his coloration.

That's true. My only counterpoint is that they were not trying to kill the manticore and it was kind of playing with them. Animals always become much more dangerous when their lives are in danger. At least that is the vibe I got from that episode.

True enough. I could counter that the manticore was wounded and in pain, and had every reason to believe it was in danger, but it's ultimately a minor point.

(I'm not sure if that sounded rude, if so I didn't mean to. I'm paranoid about being rude to people.)

You're perfectly fine, brony. Respectful disagreement is never rude.

Thank you, I've been wondering that for awhile. I never had a decent English education so there's quite a bit of basic knowledge that I don't know.

. . . what?

If you've never had a decent English education, you have my utmost respect for writing as well as you do. I am officially impressed.

Yes, it was. There were three reasons for that. First this was the first story I've ever written an ending to, so I wasn't sure how to go about it. I'm still not. While inexperience isn't an excuse, I'm just not really sure how to go about it yet. I'll figure it out soon.

The main problem is that we cut from the knight standing there to Blueblood being cut off in mid-sentence. Have the knight step forward, raising his mace. Have Blueblood back into a rock and panic. Have something happen to indicate that time is passing.

Second, one of my favorite short stories is "Dagon" by H.P. Lovecraft. It ends very abruptly.

One of mine as well.

"God, that hand! The window! The window!"

Mother3Forever

Mother3Forever #7 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

1577774Hmmm...Blueblood....Maybe the father of the Blueblood we know?

Unfoundedfall

Unfoundedfall #8 · Nov 8th, 2012 · · ·

1578887

You did say that, and I just missed it. Hm. Maybe make some reference to Celestia being sole ruler of the kingdom, or Sir Blueblood being unsure about his spoiled brat of a grandson? Even consider changing his coloration

So I went back last night right before bed to add that and re-read the story to find a spot to put that. I apparently did do something and forgot about it, I wrote something along the lines of "Celestia's moon lit up the night" I guess it was a subtle enough sentence that I even forgot about it. You are right about the coloration, perhaps I should change it.

. . . what?
If you've never had a decent English education, you have my utmost respect for writing as well as you do. I am officially impressed.

Thank you very much.

The main problem is that we cut from the knight standing there to Blueblood being cut off in mid-sentence. Have the knight step forward, raising his mace. Have Blueblood back into a rock and panic. Have something happen to indicate that time is passing.

Ah, that makes sense. I'll go back in a bit and fix that.