Of Trials and Monsters
Cleon stared at the green stone. His talon moved gingerly along its engraved surface, brushing against the crimson and hold cloth. How can I wear this? How could I take your place?
He was fully aware when the door creaked open, but he gave it no heed. It was not until he heard the timid mare clear her throat that he turned towards her. She looked dreadful, as he probably did himself. Her mane and feathers were muddy, her eyes red, and her face wet. She only said three words, but they had more force than he would have imagined.
“What was that?”
Is this how you would handle it?
“I’m afraid you’ll have to be more specific,” he flatly replied, placing the pendant back on his desk. “If you mean this, it has quite the story. Would you like to hear it?”
“No.” She looked angry. Perhaps this wasn’t my best plan. “What I want to hear is why you left me in a dark cellar and invaded my dreams.”
Or maybe not. “As far as the cellar,” he spat, “is concerned, it’s part of a thousand-year-old tradition to purge your psyche of interfering influences. The dream, however, requires a long and boring story. You truly wouldn’t want to hear it.”
“Stop. I don’t care how it happened, Cleon.” Fluttershy stamped forward, her ears flattening. “I want to know why”
Drat. “Very well then. Not so long ago, I passed these same trials. Because I did rather well, my late mentor took me under his wing. For years I helped in his studies, hardly leaving his side. Then, about three years ago, we discovered a curious phenomenon: Chaotic magic was growing at a much more rapid rate.
“He took this on as his legacy; he grew obsessed. Eventually, he got so depraved that I fled to my own researches, if only to get away from his madness. Soon afterwards, he passed on. That was three months ago. I never got to tell him that I found a possible lead. He died a hopeless soul.
“Then you appear, an Element of Harmony, incarnation of Aerial Magic herself. That same night I had been drafting a letter to Celestia, requesting immediate assistance. Even with our Houses’ feud, she could hardly refuse. I never sent it. I took it as a sign from the heavens that you had arrived; I thought you were going to help me restore balance to this world. Then the defense grid went berserk, and the Element of Magic lost her powers. Now, one of the few who could help me is a magic-deprived lunatic. Does that answer your question?”
Fluttershy blinked. “No.”
“Strange. Perhaps that will give you something to think on during the next Trial.” Cleon put the pendant over his neck, draping the loose ends behind his shoulders. “For now, though, you sleep.”
Cleon felt the familiar surge of magic flow outwards—from the gem out into his talons. He touched Fluttershy’s forehead, releasing a burst of green light. The mare collapsed.
I hope I’m right to trust her... Can you see me, Archelaus?
I knew they wouldn’t like it.
Pinkie glanced from friend to friend. Each of them looked shocked, though their reactions did vary.
Spike and Dashie both had looks of pure rage on their faces. Neither took her idea kindly, but they could not find the words to deny its validity.
Then there was Rarity. Her steadfast gaze locked onto Pinkie, sadness only showing in the tear-tracks down her face. Pinkie was unsure if she was merely steeling herself, or if she had gone into some sort of shock.
Applejack was the only one who looked accepting of it. Perhaps she’d had the same thoughts herself, but in the end it didn’t matter.
“Come again?” asked Rarity.
Pinkie sighed, feeling her mane begin to droop once more, as it was so often doing these days. “I said we can only help one of them at a time. We know where Fluttershy is, more or less. So why don’t we go after her first?”
“We have no idea where she is,” stated Dashie.
“But we do,” Pinkie countered. “Twilight was taking notes during the spell. With Spike’s background knowledge and a little intuition, I’m sure we can figure it out.”
“And if we can’t?” asked Spike, hope dancing in his eyes.
“Then we help Twilight as best we can.” I just know that I’m right. Trust me, girls.
“Ah think that’s a great idea,” Applejack put in.
“Well it’s a good thing somepony likes this. Or are you just abandoning Twi?” accused Dashie.
“Why Ah nev—”
Suddenly, the group heard a knocking at the door.
“Coming!” Pinkie yelled, bouncing over the table.
Why couldn’t I have bought an umbrella?
Empty Sound was soaked. It had been raining for the past few miles, and she needed to rest. The lights in town were the only thing keeping her going. The thought of a warm fire drove her forward the entire way.
Eventually she found herself near the town’s square. Looking around her, there were relatively few places with the lights on. It had looked so much brighter from the hilltop. I suppose this one will do, she thought, walking up to a strange looking home. Maybe not... What right-minded person makes their house out of candy anyways?
No. I have to stay somewhere, so it might as well be with other madponies.
She raised her hoof and knocked at the door.
Then she waited...
and waited...
and waited...
Why are their lights on if they won’t answer a door? That’s just common decency!
Empty Sound tried again, knocking a bit louder this time. Almost immediately the door slammed open revealing a pink blur. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust, but then she saw it wasn’t a blur —even if it was moving fast enough to be one—but a pony.
“Why are you outside so late?” the pink blur asked. “Don’t you know that it’s dark and raining? Besides, I’ve never seen you in town before, so that means you’re new, and if you’re new then you must not have any friends, and if you don’t have any friends that must mean you’re lonely; oh my gosh you should come inside! Where are my manners? My name is Pinkie Pie.”
Pinkie pulled the older mare in as Empty Sound tried to wrap her head around what had just happened. Someone cared... She wants to help me...
The next thing she knew, Empty Sound was in a large room. A single table lay in it’s center, the rest having been put away. It seemed to be some sort of bakery.
Three ponies sat at the table. A white unicorn with tears still flowing, a blue pegasus with a crazy rainbow mane, and an orange earth pony with a strange hat.
Pinkie planted herself in between the lonely mare and the small gathering. “These are my friends, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack,” she said, pointing to the unicorn, pegasus, and earth pony respectively. “Girls, this is... I’m sorry, what was your name?”
“I’m Empty Sound.”
Then the pink blur moved again. “OH MY GOSH! That’s such a sad name... I know, can I call you Melody? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?”
Empty Sound flinched, unsure of what to say. It’s been so long. How am I supposed to react to this?
As it turned out, she didn’t have to. The blue pegasus—Rainbow Dash, remember that—stood up. “Pinkie, get away from her.”
“But wh—”
“I said, get away from her,” the pegasus yelled. “Get away from that monster!”
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Okay, so it seems to me like you've gotten the characters right, given the emotional responses from all of them, but it feels as though this chapter had lacked in duration. But please do disregard that in the case that you've purposely made this a rather shortened chapter.
2075847 Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad I got through that well enough. I did make it short on purpose, but that's because I wanna give Dash a chance to cool off first.
2075897
Ahh, wonder how they'll be able to calm her down, given that their blood don't boil when she tell them the story of what had happened. For she quite clearly knows about Empty Sound, being Flutters best friend and all....
2075910 As I said, the plot thickens. I did originally intend to have the Royal Pony Sisters get one more chapter in before this, but I couldn't find a way to make it work. My real concern is with Cleon. I just can't get a feel for his motivations as well as I used to. Maybe if I went and found his mentor's name again, it might help. I have it written down somewhere...
EDIT: found it, and made a one-sentance edit to the chapter to include it.
2075925
Well, with going from what you said, the only problem, if any, was his anger. I mean, yea things didn't go as planned for him, but it's like he snapped, not a lot mind you, but in a way that was not hinted at. That was what I gathered from it anyway.
2075943 Well, if you look at it from his point of view, his idol, teacher, master, father-figure, and leader dedicated his entire life to finding out how to fix this inherent problem, and died just before the biggest breakthrough was made in it. He's desperate to finish Archelaus's work, but he can't do it without assistance. In this case, from someone who is inherently knowledgeable about Elemental magic.
Because this is pre-Discord-being-"cured"-canon, his fear is that the increased Chaotic magic will cause Discord to overpower the Elements. Quite a reasonable fear if you ask me. That's not all, though. He's also given the unnprecedented oppurtunity to observe and interact with a rare, dangerous type of magic, and possibly utilize it for the greater good of Equestria. Because of that, I think he's more than willing to take some risks, even if it means violating traditions and doing a small amount of wrong onto others.
Does that not sound fair?
2076020
*Looks Sheepish* Well, when you put that way........
lol, I see what you mean. Yea, now I'm happy I added that "If any" in my previous comment, but I didn't put what he had said into context with my thoughts at the time(Which is a huge mistake on my part), I'd have to get my feels back in touch. thanks for the info.
2076048 Actually, this one's on me. I'm thinking about going back to redo this chapter (or making the next chapter along these lines) so that it has a flashback or two for him. Of course, I don't know if I should do that or a quick one-shot. Either way, it will be called The Death of a Master.
What do you think I should do? Next chapter, this chapter, or one-shot?
2076453
I think you can go on ahead with the next chapter. you've got the mood set right with this and all, but if you feel as though you have more to add on to this chapter, then feel all obliged to do so. It may be best to wait, how long have you had this up, I'm expecting more feedback from others.