first, I do rather like the idea of this fic, but you really need to wait before posting a chapter then read through it and proofread it (wait a day or two, then proofread it)
Secondly, if you're not sure how something is spelled, go find a dictionary and look it up, it will help a lot.
Such as scio-path...could be psychopath, or sociopath. I'm not quite sure.
Third, when making a new paragraph, press enter two times instead of one, it is more pleasing to the eyes and helps a lot with breaking up the 'wall' of words, it makes it so that people don't want to read your story, then they start skimming.
Fourth, try to make descriptions in a new paragraph, every time you shift the reader's focus, make a new paragraph. AND ESPECIALLY when someone new speaks (or thinks for that matter) make a new paragraph.
Fifth, SHOW the story, don't TELL it. It makes it much more interesting to set up a scene where instead of saying ' I'm 5' 6'' ' you could have your character check their height. Bad: I am blonde and swallow my toothpaste when I'm done with it.
Good: I combed my blonde hair back and slicked it with shelack, then I brushed my teeth, swallowing the toothpaste like I usually do.
And finally, to break up the monotony of 'he said, she said' try describing actions before, after, and in the middle of someone's speech. Ex. "Ugh," Celestia groaned and she put a hoof to her splitting head, "what the heck happened last night?" Also try using more expressive words, like 'exclaimed' or 'screamed'.
Overral I'd give this clopfic 2 spikes This fic has plenty of glaring problems that prevent us from enjoying the story at hand, but if you fix these then your story can earn many more.
You did character voices rather well, but the characters themselves are A, too friendly (pheromones from no pants? Did you put your pants back on at all when nightmare tries to rape you? I wasn't sure until the point where molestia started a lusty contest of outlast the other) and B a bit over the top, maybe you could tone them down a little, maybe have some bucking happen in the few days that molestia is busy, maybe with fluttershy? If you fix the problems with your writing then this fix could earn 4/5 'stached spikaroons
first lol
I like it so far
first, I do rather like the idea of this fic, but you really need to wait before posting a chapter then read through it and proofread it (wait a day or two, then proofread it)
Secondly, if you're not sure how something is spelled, go find a dictionary and look it up, it will help a lot.
Such as scio-path...could be psychopath, or sociopath. I'm not quite sure.
Third, when making a new paragraph, press enter two times instead of one, it is more pleasing to the eyes and helps a lot with breaking up the 'wall' of words, it makes it so that people don't want to read your story, then they start skimming.
Fourth, try to make descriptions in a new paragraph, every time you shift the reader's focus, make a new paragraph. AND ESPECIALLY when someone new speaks (or thinks for that matter) make a new paragraph.
Fifth, SHOW the story, don't TELL it. It makes it much more interesting to set up a scene where instead of saying ' I'm 5' 6'' ' you could have your character check their height.
Bad: I am blonde and swallow my toothpaste when I'm done with it.
Good: I combed my blonde hair back and slicked it with shelack, then I brushed my teeth, swallowing the toothpaste like I usually do.
And finally, to break up the monotony of 'he said, she said' try describing actions before, after, and in the middle of someone's speech.
Ex. "Ugh," Celestia groaned and she put a hoof to her splitting head, "what the heck happened last night?"
Also try using more expressive words, like 'exclaimed' or 'screamed'.
Overral I'd give this clopfic 2 spikes
This fic has plenty of glaring problems that prevent us from enjoying the story at hand, but if you fix these then your story can earn many more.
You did character voices rather well, but the characters themselves are A, too friendly (pheromones from no pants? Did you put your pants back on at all when nightmare tries to rape you? I wasn't sure until the point where molestia started a lusty contest of outlast the other) and B a bit over the top, maybe you could tone them down a little, maybe have some bucking happen in the few days that molestia is busy, maybe with fluttershy?
If you fix the problems with your writing then this fix could earn 4/5 'stached spikaroons
This was a cute and spicy chapter.